Monday, September 20, 2010

Frum Mai LOLcats


Dir Proody : I haz a Rabbit at temple. He shepperd me thru ruff time. Nao he want to do it I think? Thing iz, I no want to and I got a hubbicat and kitteh. Hao I tell him I no want to bone but I laik hiz frenship?

Dir U: At rute, all rabbits want to bone. Espeshully wen in proximit kontact with anything warm. Next tyme he tuch ur leg, u sai, "NO RABBIT THAT A BAD BUNNEH!" Then u swat in fayce with claw out. He will get pikchur and not cross boundary again.


Dir U: U r cat, u no wear clothes.

Dir Proody: When we haf kittehs? I want kittehs NAO, mai hubbicat, eh, he not so shur.

Dir U: U haz teh hubbicat, but do u haz teh money? If so, that when u haf teh kittehs. Also put ur grajiate degree to wurk before u put ur uterus to wurk.

Dir Proody: If i uze anonymous email to send note to coworker that he suck, iz that completely ballz-free?

Dir U: Yes. Uze anonymous ninja instead.

Dir Proody: Peepul say retard an it hurtz mah feelings! Mah kitteh is autistic!

Dir U: Autism is not retardation, numba wun. Also, no matter whut retarded peepul iz called, that wurd will be an insult until there is full ekwalitee for all. Az long az peepul is afraid they iz low on food chain, they need somewun lower than them, so they will act retarded and be insulting.

Dir Proody: Mai mommicat is stalking me. I kill her?

Dir U: If u want to. Mebbeh u find her a gud boitoi?

Dir Proody: Me an mai hubbicat go out, see peepul we knew wen we wuz younger, but cannot remember their names! Hao we handle this?

Dir U: Fish oil and embarrassment. "I FOHGOT! WE IZ SO OLD!" alwayz a good exkyoose.

Dir Proody: Creepy dood is creepy.

Dir U: If he haz not been told, tell him. Oh snap!

Dir Proody: I iz preggers, and I want to enjoy wine. IN PUBLIC. IN RESTAURANTS. IN SMOKY BARZ. Hao I deal wif judgmental peeps?

Dir U: If u r bownd and determined to defy peepul's persepshuns of whut is appropriate beehavyor for pregnant catz, u best come strapped wif ur best "I DARE U 2 FUK WID ME" look and the inkumbint attitood.

Dir Proody: Wedding kewtchin: We go to outdoor hippi bonfire wedding wif mud and stuff. Mai dress, it got rooind. Hoo pay nao?

Dir U: I bet ur not the only wun wundering. Next time u see mud and smowk coming, u just taik off ur dress in advance.

Dir Proody: Du tomcatz get a hall pass?

Dir U: Feelz laik it sumtimes. Tell brotherz they gots sumthing to do or u will kill them.

Dir Proody: mai kitteh's frend's boifrend bit her after drinking. Her frend nao all laik, "Whut ur problem, biatch?"

Dir U: Peepul bites wai moar dangerous than cat bites. Also, he nutz and when kittehs bite for no reezun they get put down.

Dir Proody: I haz a blooming career an I getting mai Pee HD! Mai boifrend lives wif hiz mommicat and daddicat an sees no reason to leave ever. Also hiz parents think it okay if I liv wif them an have kittehs. We haz fyoocher?

Dir U: I'm going to say no.

Dir Proody: Mai grown kitteh had a bizniss suck-sess and moved to teh woods to be alone in candy howse. For realz. This iz normal?

Dir U: Mebbeh U visit and find owt? Cuz sometimes it startz all happy hippie and ends in unabomer. Generally, happy hippies form happy hippie comyoonity and share veggies. This sounds unabomery.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

From My Orbit

Originals here:

LW#1: Lady, you need to TELL SOMEONE. Like your husband. Any time anyone makes me feel uncomfortable, you know what I do, right after giving them the hairy eyeball? I tell my husband. It's part of our solidarity thing. And if any man, no matter what his relation to me was, spent an inordinate amount of time "tucking his shirt in" around his burgeoning boner I would first say, "My goodness, aren't you a little creeper!" and then run straight to my husband to let him know I am on troll patrol and I need his hedge clippers.

Okay, but here's the thing about your little creeper in law to be, he has probably just been sussing out your boundaries, which are inexplicably not existing. Any twerp who is frottaging on his MIL to be and exposing himself at this level to his MIL to be is not only a creep, he is probably going to escalate it.

So how do you not cause pain? Well, it's beyond that now. You kind of have to tell your daughter. And you're going to have to rephrase this in your head to, "I'm not the one who started this, HE did." This is not run-of-the mill "I think he's a nice boy but his table manners are atrocious!" or "Do you think he'll give up on his dream of being a professional wakeboarder and become a doctor someday?" This is, "Honey, you know how comfortable I am talking about sex with you, that it basically makes me want to die inside, so you have to understand that when I tell you your fiance has rubbed up against me sexually and exposed himself to me -- I think the internet calls it 'frottage' -- the last thing I want to do is share this violation with anyone. But you're thinking of marrying him, and if I didn't say something about his making his future MIL a part of his sexual whatever it is, I'd be doing you a disservice." Then, in as much detail as you can handle, recount some incidents for her ("It was Thanksgiving. I was bending over the bird, which I had just pulled out of the oven to baste. Suddenly, I felt something up against my bottom, rubbing. I turned around and it was him").

I would hasten to add to all that if you have children, when they are getting to the age where they are going to act sexual (and I don't just mean having intercourse) it's probably a good time to start a conversation about good relationships, consent, boundaries and how you are only talking about this because you want them to have a happy, healthy sex life.

LW#2: No, just don't do anything. Leave her alone. Unless you run into her in some circumstance whereby you can't get away from her (carpooling or something?), then say, "Y'know, those years ago, when I was such a huge douche to you? It's not like it helps or anything, but I was bullied myself, and it took a regrettably long time for me to actually learn from it. Being such an asswipe to you, personally, has been pretty much the thing I've carried around as the most shameful thing I've ever done, and I couldn't be more sorry for how I treated you." But if some asswipe from my past tried to tell me they had changed since middle school, I probably wouldn't be in the apology-accepted mood, unless it was done sincerely, face-to-face.

LW#3: When my friends with a timeshare can't use theirs, they offer it to their friends so long as the acceptors also pay a "maintenance fee." Then the friends don't go to the timeshare. Because if they did, they would basically be using what is theirs and charging someone else and, hey, didn't they offer other people a vacation i.e. a place that will be fun and not where other people are?

But you knew BIL was part of the vacation equation, so I'm guessing he's paying the maintenance fee, right? And at least he's flying down there on his own tab. So as long as he doesn't mind not eating out every night and you recognize that everything is cheaper in the Caribbean once you're there, maybe you might not want to pay your two-thirds of the maintenance fee because it will be about the same in the end?

On the other hand, if his being sneaky is what is making you mad (as it would me, much more so than paying for stuff), you might just have your husband ask if he can front bro some cash on the front end so it isn't "You're paying for all this stuff you can't put a value on."

LW#4: OMG no wonder you're in therapy. Just say, "I'm hoping this will be therapeutic for me to say this and an indication of progress, but you constantly misspell my name on my bill and don't seem to notice it when I send you a check with my actual name on it. OMG PLEASE DON'T HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS!!!! SOB!!!!" I'm sure she'll find a way to drill down on this for the next two years as she sends you new, accurate bills.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

From My Orbit

Originals are HERE.

LW#1: Is this sexual harassment? He's just rubbin' one out, under his desk in his own office, when you come in early and unexpected and have to notify him to your early birdiness by sticking your head in his door to show him what an ... I was going to say "eager beaver" you are, but let's go with "eager legal eagle." So no, I can't see as how he intended to make you feel uncomfortable. Sexual harassment? Not so clear cut.

HOWEVER! When you decide to rub one out at work, no matter the hour, you are taking fate (and your fireman) into your own hands in a risky little game! However, as you may have discovered, to be a successful attorney means needing to take some risks, having an enormous ego and unquenchable desires. There are a lot of lawyers with personality disorders out there, and it is those personality disorders that help to fuel their success. And, as we see here, can be their downfall. It's a Greek tragedy thing. Seriously, those Athenians figured all this out.

At any rate, I'm supposed to be helpful here, so I'm going to say you write this up in your "just in case" journal, act like nothing ever happened until he gives you reason to act like something happened, and if you absolutely, positively HAVE to show off that you're doing something work-related in the future, make it an ostentatious 2 a.m. email to all the partners about what you "just" did.  

LW#2: When you snoop, you lose. Also, when you overshare and lie, you lose. Sigh. The only thing I can tell you is that now you know what you're facing with your ex. And you'll probably have to fess up to your son that you snooped, and that you want him to know what you know, which is that yes, his father is his father. But if you can't straight up fess up, I have an alternative plan: Get your son in the car for a drive, then mention that he hasn't said so much as "boo" to you since he got back from his dad's house and YOU THINK THAT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING. You can disclaim that you don't particularly care to know what the particulars of what you think his father might have told him, but that you sense a rift, and you love him too much to let it go on.

And you have GOT to talk to your kid. Because a boy who calls his mother a "dumb slut" is a boy who badly, badly needs some feminism in his life, who badly needs to see that women make the best choices they are given at the time they have to make those choices. There are contexts that people live in, and have to take into account, whether they are men or women.

But think about it like this: His father is not doing himself any favors by painting you in a slutty, nasty light. And he's making himself look like an ass for being hooked up with a woman he says he was not sure was carrying his child. He's really digging himself in a hole here. Because obviously you live with a certain standard of integrity, right? And your son is going to see this as he grows up, right?

The other tip I'd give is don't say a thing to the ex. Don't bring it up, don't do anything. He's an ass and either karma will get him or it won't. But the last thing your kid needs to do is for you to turn an act of craptastic parenting on your ex's part into interpersonal drama. And any phone call you make to your ex is only going to be used against you. It's rough, but just stay who you are, above this nonsense.

LW#3: Well, you should get your own stuff back, if not necessarily the stuff you gave her back.

But okay, here's something that I don't fully understand, having seen it up close, and which you can't fully understand either: Parents whose child dies are totally not the same as they were five minutes before their child died. There is a hole in their heart and soul, and it's bigger than the child's presence. When a child dies, especially a young person who was not yet able to show the world who they were, the parents will lose faith, optimism and perspective.

So this friend of yours, her parents are not going to be as you knew them. And you have no idea what effect you, the passenger with their daughter in the car on the night she died, will actually be having on them.

Anyway, you probably don't mean to sound so obsessed with stuff, but this letter is maybe a lot more to the point than you should be. These folks are grieving, not just sorting stuff out. And you need to approach them like you know that.

You need to be able to talk about their daughter to them, you need to be able to ask to look at her things not because you want them, but because you miss her and want to make that connection. And I'm sure that the gifts you gave her are probably much more meaningful than you're getting across, so work on your delivery. Because you're already going to feel awkward enough around these devastated people. At least, I kind of hope you feel awkward enough to not worry about whatever it is that you're looking for in those objects so you drop it.

LW#4: How I'd handle it: Rude person: "Are you a veteran?" Me: "Yes, in the war on not attracting attention." "Yes, and I lost my leg to an IED -- an incidentally extraneous disease." "They sent me away to that hellhole, and for what?! (Insert shockingly unexpected opinion here about the wars -- i.e. pacifist ones. People freak the heck out when they hear a vet saying something pacifist. I think it messes with their ideas about what Norman Rockwell stuff you're supposed to believe.)" People are really weird about vet stuff, though. It may just be better to let it roll. Especially to old guys.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Proody: For when u need a poorly spelled smackdown

Dir Proody,

Mah mommicat is sick, in pain and cannot hold down a job. So she bekum a foster mommicat to a litter of messed up kittehs. She adopt wun, too! Dis kitteh, she trubble wif a capital T. Her tyme in teh pownd, it was not so gud, and nao she biting peepul, getting the po-po called on her and spending tyme in hospital for head-shrinker reezuns. Mai mommicat can't really deel wif all this kittehdrama to begin wif, much less this psychokitteh stuff.

Anniwai, mah auntiecat, who married a fatcat, sai, "Hey sistercat, wai not come wif me to Europe for three weeks? Leeve ur trubbles behynd!" Trubbles meaning the litter and the psychokitteh. The litter, the state will place. The psychokitteh ... well, she need a place to go for two weeks. Mah sistercat sai, "Here? No wai hoe-zay!" Mai hubbicat? "No wai!" But I think I can wear heem down eeven tho we haz little, fragile kittehs of our own.

I wear heem down and help psychokitteh or stand furm up to mommicat?

Hao I survyve mah childhud, I not ever kno.

Dir Survyve,

Lotz of drama up in ur joynt. Haz rich auntiecat considered paying for sleepaway camp? R all psychokitteh's vaxinayshuns up to date? And also, r u owt of ur mind? Help psychokitteh frum teh owtside, as interested adult, but proteckt ur kittehs.

Dir Proody,

I use to teech this younger guy in strange forrin land I livez in nao. Feelings, we haz them, tho we never, ever disclose them to each other except by the most forlorn glances. If we not date, everything continue inclooding pain in mah heart. If we date, wurld come crashing down, but we haz eech other. What I do nao?


Dir Luv-struk,

U never talk abowt ur feelings? How u not know he just have angstee eyebrows and weerd bowndary ishoos?

Do whut u want, u r cat. But mebbeh u need to get owt moar.

Dir Proody,

I got bad diagnosis and teh medical buks all sai I die in five yirs. It haz put a damper on mah abilitee to enjoy daily life wif mah hubbicat and little kittehs. Hao I just embrace the nao with the grace of peepul in moovees?

So effing sad over here

Dir Sad,

In moovees, peepul who r gonna die r played by actors who r not really dying reeding scripts ritten bai peepul who r not faycing impending doom. So, grayn of salt there. Get help. U needz it.

Dir Proody,

I am yung and strong and a boicat. So when teh water dish run dry, teh wimminz sai, "Strong yung boicat, can u refill it wif big water jug?" Wai they not do it themselves? Isn't feminism abowt me not being inconveeniensed by teh needz of teh laydeez every week for a minute or too? I bring mai own water in from home, BTW.

Boiling over water

Dir Boiling,

As catz, it iz troo, we duz not laik to haz to do chores for others. But if u no can tell they laik to see ur muscles straining a little, u need to realyze, in loo of soshul skillz, this is all u haz to get teh laydeecatz. Also, u appir to not haz ballz or brain. Purrhapz u shud go into water jug delivery and get ur mowth stitched shut. Yes, that abowt right preskripshun to mayk ur life purrfekt.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Listen to the cats

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh and a hubbicat, who is not the kittehdaddeh. The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey. We get hubbicat to adopt kitteh or we let heem have playdates wif kittehdaddeh because, well, he's teh sperm donor?

Iz embarassed to haz slept wif the kittehdaddeh

Dir embarrassed,

Of coarse u r.

But nao we ask, "Duz u want to protekt ur kitteh or, alternativelee, let him mayk his own choices after he iz put in bad posishun wif rapey felon?" I tend to err on teh side of leeving well enuf alone.

Dir Proody,

I can haz job? Iz years nao and I iz kind of ... frusstrayted. Want to kill peepul who is asking me, "Wai u not wurk for such a long time?" I can kill them, rait?


Dir Frusstrayted,

U R cat, so yes, you may come at them ninja-style. Alternative solooshun: Maybe you get self-employed so u can get an underling to do all teh work?

Dir Proody,

Mah sister in law, she gradjiating! She salotatorian! But her mommicat iz going to go to teh head of teh skool and bitch for sum rilly dum reesons abowt these other kittehs being ineligible to speechify in front of teh class.

Teh delikat point iz that I want mah kitteh to go to this skool sumday, and I haz relatives that werk there. Whut I do nao?

Prowd of SIL

Dir Prowd,

I think ur SIL iz abowt to get owt frum under one cattiwumpus of an apron string, that whut I think. Cud u videotape ur MIL in action? I think that wud be a killer UTube viral video. Sumtimes peepul haz to lern teh hard way. Mebbeh not ur SIL, but her mommicat? Take that bitch to skool.

Dir Proody,

Mah boifren, he haz a frend he will room with at a conference. Problem? She iz gurl! I totallee trust they not be having teh secks, even teh drunken "accidental" secks or "have u ever wundered" secks. I rilly do. I am so unconserned about it that I am obsessed wif other cats seeing them go back to their shared room thinking that they are having this not-at-all-happening-ever-in-a-million-years-or-Cuervos secks. That whut mayk me sad. But she iz laid off and he iz compashun itself. Whut I do nao?

I trust heem implisitlee. Rilly.

Dir Rilly,

Well, if he were a smart cheeter he wud not hav told u. OR IZ HE THAT SMART THAT HE CAN DO THE DOUBLE BACKSTAB?

Onlee one opshun: Find an excuse to go to this conference wif him, or in separate room. If posible, haz her boifren be ur roomie. Mayk sertin that hijinks ensue. Sell transcript of entire awkward weekend to become a pilot for awkward sitcom. Mayke tons of money. Leave ur boifren u no trust.

Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Proody, sociopathic LOLcat advisor

Man, I gotta start getting this stuff DONE. But you know what? It's like these problems just build and build and build, and then my work as LOLcat to the rescue is a little overwhelming. But better late than never: Here is Proody, unleashed!

Dir Proody,

I iz a yung kitteh. I haz a job! In radio! But there is this wun old leddicat who act laik kitteh. It repulse me. Nobuddy stop talking abowt how she nasty, pretending to be yung and hawt when she dried up and disgusting! Hao I maik her feel wurst abowt this, confronting her as hawter and smarter kitteh whilez I givez her denchure kreem and senior pet fud, yeah?

Mah poo, it haz no smellz

Dir Poo,

A wurd of advice: Any leddicat who haz a career and lifestyul invested in luking yung and hawt laik that haz not only amassed enuf power to get u fired for bean a little dum-dum, but likely also haz a pact with the devil and iz maybe a little evil. Evil enuf to kill, certainly. I wud think she haz killed befor. I wud also think mebbeh ur coworkers are setting u up to do something rilly dum for their own amyoosement. But u know whut, this sound laik it rilly bother u, so u go up to that old biddie and u sez, "Whai u act so hawt when u an old creaky cat?"

(Anywun who werk with Poo, pleez call me and let me know when this go down so I can watch.)

Dir Proody,

A year ago I caused an accident, sort of, and nao I feel shame and gilt. Whut I do?

Granpa Sunday driver wif horse trailer

Dir Granpa,

I think u r cat, so shame is not natural. I also think ur horse ownership iz not natural. I kind of think u r pathetic and needz to cat up. Realize kittehs taik their lives into their own handz all teh time, for stoopid reasons, u have no control over it. All u haz control over is ur accellerator pedal foot, and if u were being sooper careful of the law just to see a fast-livin kitteh get her comeuppance, well, stop being ashamed of it and start being prowd she fall in ur trap.

Dir Proody,



Dir Walked,

Sounds laik u had a successful partee. U can put that on Spacebook.

Dir Proody,

I haz a husbandcat. He haz hobbeez. Many, many hobbeez. Boring fukking hobeez. And no frends so he ask me abowt his fukking fixee. I kill heem nao?

Desparate Housecat

Dir Desparate,

Oh hellz yes u killz heem nao. U kill any cat that show slitest need for opinion of others and put it owt of its mizery.

Dir Proody,

I haz a great boss, but she cry sometimes. And create lots of drama. Whut I do nao?


Dir Uncomfortable,

Whut, u can't complayn to Feline Resources? Okay, then u start feeding her informashun abowt who hayte her, who say mean things about her, hao her bosses no trust her and u are onlee wun she can trust. U build her up into tizzee of emoshuns. When she abowt to go postal, u call security on her. Then u r  hero who get to be new boss. Simpull.

Dir Proody,

Mai fren got a dawg an keep it in a tiny cage all teh time. Wai he so cruel? Whut I do nao?


Dir Sympathetic,

Altho I generallee have no use for dawgs, teh best wai to deal with them is not caging them. This onlee mayke u look weak. Hissing, scratching, suddenly puffing up into furball, this teh wai to deal wif a dawg. U can offer to let ur frend know he is doing sumthing that will onlee lead to dawg tearing the stuffing out of heem, or u cud just sit back and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren/fiansay, I LUVS HEEM SO MUCH! But he drinks a lot. Usually we fite and I haz to apologize becuz I get judgy, but this tyme he pee himself when drunk. Whut I do nao?

Litterbox, plz

Dir Litterbox,

If u apologize for being judgy then this relashunship is dun. He iz a drunk. U r a cat. Judgy is whut u r. And drunk iz whut he iz.

Dir Proody,

Mai old gurlfren from obedience school died. I greeve and morn in silence. But I want to cause some drama. Laik, reality TV scale drama. I send card to her husband so he know I thinking abowt his wifeycat? Will he tell mai wifeycat and get her angry? Is this a gud plan?

Lost love and mind

Dir Lost,

U do whut u want, u r cat. But to be honest, if u r wanting to connect wif this flayme so bad u are mebbeh hoping to maik owt wif her hubbicat, mebbeh u need to lay off the catnip.

Dir Proody,

Mai life as a kitteh was purrfekt. Laik "Leave it to Beaver." But nao mai parents tell me big seekret: Mom wuz a pussy-showing porn star! Her work on the intertoobz! I so shocked I think I sai sumthing crazy angry to them!


Dir Devastated,

Isn't it terribull to lern ur parents not onlee laik secks, but mebbeh are having moar fun at it than u? She posed for sum pickchurs? So whut. Get a grip and do whut u r supposed to: Rebel. Wif crazier secks than u ever dreamed possibull.

Dir Proody,

I haz a dreem to do gud werk in the nashun's capitol. Mai mommicat, haoever, haz a cancer that needs insayne treatment. She not live in nashun's capitol. Whut I do? Follow mai dreem or help mai mommicat?

Ackshually Devastated

Dir Ackshually,

U r abowt to embark on a new lyfe annywai rite nao, but it sad that ur mommicat iz going to go thru all the keemo and have a hard tyme while u r mixing it up wif ambassadors from faraway lands. Mebbeh u taik the train home wunce in a while?

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat is a mess. Literully! Her lyfe is a shambles of bad desishuns, self-inflicted poverty and a trail of untaken and unwerking medicashuns and doctorcats. Nao I have agreed, with mai sister, to foot the bill for a place for her. But for mommicat to get to that place her apartment had to be cleaned. Her apartment is basically a living simbol of the mess she has mayde of her lyfe, so I wuz all, "Hellz no I does NOT WANT to clean it!" Nao mai sister is mad I not kleen apartment wif her. Hao I heel this wound?

Sloppy seconds

Dir Sloppy,

Ur mother sounds awful. I suggest getting some barely competant ninjas to take her owt. Then u and ur sister will have to avenge her sweet, sweet release from the mortal coil by killing them. And since they r barely competant u will be okay. And then the day is saved and the breach is spanned.

Sumtymes I surprize myself with hao amayzing mai advice is.

Dir Proody,

I raise mai dottercats to be naice. But they not laik dorky kittehs or mean kittehs. I beat this kindness into their headz, right?

Popularity for teh burdz

Dir Burdz,

U raise kidz, they will disappoint u. By, in ur case, being well-liked and popular. I kno I am definitelee not too soshul. But some kittehs laik peepul. It weerd but true. And sumtymes u haf to accept that, and slink back into ur corner and stare at teh wall and strike owt at anywun who dum enuf to interrupt u.

Speaking of which, I haz a corner to get to nao.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bigtime cattin' around

When teh dog is away, teh catz will play!


Dir Proody,

I go on teh internetz, get some roommates. Az we are cat, we iz anti-soshul with each other. BUT nao wun of them got herself nocked up wif a kitteh and iz smoking. She dumcat and also teh kittehdaddeh? Invisibul. I tell her she bad in note under teh door, rite?

Cregslist is for teh berdz

Dir Cregslist,

Uh, no u don't. U say, "If u need moar help wif teh aborshun I push u down stairs, okay? Half pak of smokes a dai is just enuf to get kitteh wif problems, not teh miscarriage u iz needin."

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh is speshul, in a leetle bit speshul Olimpix way. Teh Assburgers, she gots it. In spite of this, she is just like normal gurl wif teh birfday parties and the skool. But she was only kitteh in hur class who not get invite to this wun girl's birfday party. I go kill this rude kitteh and her dipshit parents nao?

Cougar mama

Dir Cougar,

Yes. U mai kill them nao. Why develop coping skillz, that whut I alwais say.

Dir Proody,

I am 30, married and I IZ IN HEAT SO BAD. But onlee for this one tomcat at werk. It okay if I lift my tail and show him my engorgements? PLEEZE HE SO KYUTE I WANNA DO HEEM ON TEH ZEEROCKS AND IN TEH OFFICE SUPPLY CLOSET! Also, wai he not coming on to me wen I am so obviouslee purrfect fur heem?



U r asking mai permission for sumthing? U r cat, do whut u want if uther cat want. If ur husband no like it, he can go find sumone else to make it with, since he probably young and dumb laik u, too.

Dir Proody,

Mai frend do sum bad stuff, she in teh pound nao. Before she put in slammer, she give me two shoogur gliders to look after. And I did, lord hao I did. For a year. Tehn I ated wun. I told her it sick, but getting better. If I keep lying until she come owt, she won't wring my neck and have to go back in?

Shoogur gliders, not sweet akshually

Dir Not Sweet,

You iz dum. Tell her while she iz in teh slammer so the inishul wave of anger passes and u no have to wurry about that. Onlee have to wurry abowt teh building up of rayge over time.

Dir Proody,

I need an opurashun to haz teh secks, but teh dockters and mai mommicat keep saying: "Get a boifren and haf heem poke at u till u both get sick uv it." Hao I supposed to get poked by a tender lover when teh onlee wai peepul mai age get tender lovers iz to have teh hookup secks with them furst? And duh, I have been trying with all these different tomcats to get it going on. Duh.

Very small pussy

Dir Pussy,

I cannot beleeve those peepul r still alive. Wai u not gone all ninja on them? Find real pussy dockter, too! Get whut u know u need and quitcherbitchin to me!

Dir Proody,

Mai daddicat had a stroke and nao cannot do hardly anithing but sit around and wayte to die. Obviusslee, it is hard to make conversatshun with him. Espeshully since he can't rilly talk too gud. I think mai visits are painful enuf for heem wifout talking abowt teh gud old days when we could chill. Whut nao?

Awkward cat

Dir Awkward,

Just becuz he can't talk too gud not mean u can't talk to heem. Tell heem abowt ur life, hao things going fur u, and so on. Keep heem in teh loop. Quit being such a wuss. And don't be a scaredy cat, afrayed of talking abowt teh past. Teh past is a comfort, let it blanket heem.

Dir Proody,

I am fat gay cat attracted to hawt gay cat. In spite of fact that we click reel gud, he can never luv me and I should give it up and sleenk back to teh closet of self-loathing, rite?

Big Gay Cat

Dir Big,

Owt of that fucking closet. Owt of that self-loathing. Owt into teh real world of hurt and fear and ambiguity. Owt into teh real world of excitement, fun and resiprokal affeckshun and unantissipated frizzons. Owt, owt and away from that fucking TeeVee.

Be u. Be gay. Be big, fat, byootiful cat.

And when ur banging that hot gay boicat, take sum fotos and hook a LOLcat advice columnist up, okay?

Dir Proody,

I am in the army. But this is not abowt me. It is abowt this other couple, also military. Mostly "Fluffy," teh wifeycat. She tell mai wifeycat abowt hao simple it iz to be robbing teh store she werks at. Everybody there duz it! Fluffy too! Maybe ... mai wifeycat wuz on a listserv and saw Fluffy selling stuff, frum teh store! We rat her owt, rite?

Since I'm military I must enforce all laws, rite?

Dir military,

I kno teh temptashun to play Team America: Werld Police iz killing u. But think of it this wai, u have an idea of her cat-rackter, that she cannot resist temptashun. So u kno to lock up teh silver bowls when she come to visit. If u want to fuck wif her, call teh owner and tell them they are getting ripped off and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,

Mai grandfather is so sick! Has teh Alzheimers. Grandmothercat sai, "It too bad for all his kittehs in the genetic downstream. No fear fur u or ur daddicat, though! Hee hee hee!" Whut teh fuck, Proody?

Who dat is? Not my grandpacat?

Dir Who dat?

Mebbeh ur grandmothercat just losin it herself. Or mebbeh there is story to tell, of milkman and illissit secks and garbage cans by teh moonlite. Fact is, there is a trooth, but it not owt there. It in ur heart, in ur grandparentcats and unclecats and auntcats hearts. If u can hold to that trooth, u can ask qweschuns. If u lose site of that trooth, u will have problems. Nao mayke ur choice.

Dir Proody,

Mah ex-wifeycat is a psychokitteh and nao she stalking mah new gurlycat. Do I go to all teh naybors teh ex wrote anonymuss letters to and apologize personally or is that crass?

Etticat conchuss

Dir Etticat,

Mebbeh u both tayk owt restraining orders and get conseeled carry permits.

Dir Proody,

Mah sister, she haz a kitteh! But nao she want to leave teh home and go owt to an event. She will stay wif mah uther sister on teh wai. But a kitteh? In teh house? Mah sister need hur byootee sleeps! We wonder, hao u sai, "No way Jose" to sister wifout letting on that we don't want hur kitteh around evah?

No idea abowt kittehs at all

Dir no idea,

Wun friggin' nite, nuckleheds. Besides, are u not nockturnal?

Dir Proody,

I am young and spry, but I werk wif old farts who keep grabbing their guts and patting their bald hedz saying, "This whut happen when u finally get old!" Also mai mom got me mai job.

They all hayte me

Dir Hayte,

Yeah. Probably. Until u buy them alcohol at next office mixer. Trooly, u must buy off their hayte, if not buy their luv.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

From My LOLcats

Dir Proody,

When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?

Scaredy Cat

Dir Scaredy,

Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.

Dir Proody,




Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.

Dir Proody,

Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?

Replikating a pattern

Dir Pattern,

Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?

Dir Proody,

I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?


Dir Clueless,

No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

From My LOLcats

From here, of course -- Spacey

Dir Proody,

I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.

I declayr jihad on her?

Dir Jihad,

Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.

R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?

Dir Proody,

I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)

Young and in LUV

Dir Young,

Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.

Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."

That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.

Dir Proody,

I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?

Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike

Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,

If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?

Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.

Dir Proody,

Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?

Movees, I kno them

Dir Movees,

If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.

I alreddy kinda haytes u.

Proody owt.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Massive LOLcat Attack threatens to collapse Teh Internetz

Wut I can say? I can haz a meowment to pawntifikate.  -- Proody Cat.

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?

I not put loshun on skin!

Dir Loshun,

So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.


Dir Proody,

I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?

Split cat-sonality

Dir Split,

Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!


Dir Proody,

I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?

Dawg owning cat

Dir, um, exkyooz me?

I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.

WTF, Proody

Dir Proody,

Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!

Math pedagogee book writer

Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,

Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.


Dir Proody,

I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?

Cat scratch fever,

Dir Fever,

It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.

Think abowt it,


Dir Proody,

Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?

P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???

I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing

Dir psychokitteh,

If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.

Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.

Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?


Dir Proody,

I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?

Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?

Dir no job,

It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.


Dir Proody,

I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?

Spazzin owt over here

Dir Spaz,

Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.


Saturday, February 20, 2010

From My LOLcats -- extra big edition

Note frum Proody -- I haf been gone too long. Mai gift to u, dubble LOLcats! U mai worship me nao!

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!

Normal and laikin it

Dir Normal,

Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.


Dir Proody,

Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?

I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward

Dir Awkward,

Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao  u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.


Dir Proody,

Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?

Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid

Dir Paranoid,

Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!

Dir Proody,

I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?

Purina, u got it in ur teeth

Dir Purina,

U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.


Dir Proody,

I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?

No Viagra Necessary

Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),

When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.


Dir Proody,

I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?


Dir Cupidiot,

U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.


Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?


Dir Smarticat,

Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?


Dir Catbot,

If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!


Thursday, February 11, 2010

From My Orbit

As per usual, read the letters here.

LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.

I'll give you a one word answer: No.

This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.

But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.

Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?

Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.

And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.

LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.

So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.

LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.

Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?

Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.

But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.

LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?

How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.

But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.

Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")

Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.

BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

From My Orbit

You know that if you need original letters, you can read them here.

LW#1: Man, what to do about this one? You have an argument with your wife where you point blank ask her if she's slept with your brother, she says yes, albeit years before you got together, and you think, had you but known, your whole relationship would have never happened. Oh yeah, and you hate your brother for his ability to "manipulate" women into bed and also them for falling for what I presume you think is his line of b.s.

At the same time, you don't want to "negatively impact" your three kids by divorcing the woman you now think is tainted.

To start, I'll say this: Virtually every woman has slept with your brother, or some variation on him. Why do we do this? Because we make mistakes. Why do we make mistakes? Because we're not perfect. Some of us have low self esteem and think if someone wants to boink us, that is great no matter who exactly it is. Some of us don't know the people we boink very well when we boink them, and then further down the road they turn out to be boneheads or worse. Sometimes we are just horny and your brother is available. There are a million reasons why women boink men like your brother, but the underlying reason is that we are not perfect. We are human.

So let's back off the taint thing. She had sex with your brother, but it was way before you got together. She could not have known about you two.

Now, you kind of have this fantasy that had you known, you would have rejected her altogether and your life would be great. You probably got a nice fantasy going on.

But let's get back to reality. You have a disintegrating marriage for many reasons that have nothing to do with your wife's having slept with your brother. You have pegged this as the reason you feel so much contempt for her, but really, you just feel contempt for her. You don't communicate with her. You have these feelings, and she probably feels them too, which is why she threw her fling in your face.

At this point, you two have to decide if you're willing to work on your marriage or not. Either you are or you aren't, and you need to put the kids aside for a second. If you and your wife can't cobble together an awesome relationship, a life of happiness, your sons will feel that every day.

And whether or not you can find yourself willing to do the necessary hard work — with a marital counselor — you will be doing yourself a favor if you can release your wife from your anger over this one incident. Because she was, and is, human. And to forgive, it's divine.

LW#2: I wouldn't call this an actual indiscretion, even. The fact that you quit your job speaks to me of your flair for the dramatic, in spite of your protestations that it was to avoid drama.

And let's say your husband is actually completely serious and some fooling around from years ago would actually make him blow like Krakatoa. Well, carrying around a secret copped feel would sure feel like a big thing. If he's that jealous, this nothing thing takes on an enormous weight of its own.

So here's the thing: Without him being such a jealous person, this thing means nothing. The whole context of his jealousy puts the import on a drunken mistake. It probably even encouraged you, the dramatic drama-avoider, to get a little drama.

Forget the sham talk. Forget it ever happened, and get some positive attention in your marriage. Valentine's Day is coming up. If he won't wine and dine you, get a babysitter and do it to him.

LW#3: Unless the counselor and pills have not been to address his ongoing, relentless negativity and loss, you can't say you didn't do everything.

Obviously, it's not an easy thing to say, "Cheer up or I'll leave you," but it sounds like that is what you are about to say. And if you are there, then you are there. And if you are a decent, ethical, loving human, then you awful about it, and probably don't want to be there. But it seems you are.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.

LW#4: He should speak up. This is completely wrong.

If the boss gets fired, that should be okay. He has a lot of people who owe him a favor. And if he can't find help now, he has earned some reward. It may just be in heaven, is all.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

From My Orbit

As you all know, original letters are here.

LW#1: There are a lot of red flags on this play. You read a lot of self-help books, and yet you realize that you're a controlling, judgmental, unloving, abusive creep when you're in a relationship. You want to change, obviously. And I bet you've been flamed to kingdom come by all the right people.

Well, this is a serious problem so I have two tips from you. Number one, get a shrink. Seriously. Like NOW. There should be one on campus, if not some sort of referral service that can help you find a cheap or no-cost alternative.

Number two: Read up on feminism. I swear to God, this is a framework that will lift so many scales from your eyes your mind will blow up. At its bottom, feminism says that women are people, too. Women who are allowed to have the failings you yourself work so hard not to have (like occasional casual sex -- where no one gets hurt -- is a bad thing? Come on, dude!). Women whose worth is not measured solely by their conformity to your ideas of what they should be, but by the profoundness of who they actually are. Women who have histories that you don't have to know because you can know the personality that has sprung from those histories, and cherish that personality.

A special note on jealousy: You need to let the idea that a woman is tainted by her previous relationships go, because guess what? She did not belong to those men and she does not currently belong to you. You have nothing to be jealous of, because she as a person is not yours. You should consider yourself two people who are lucky enough to have the time you have together. Because really, all you have in this world is time, your brain, your body. And that's it.

I'm also totally freaked out by your feeling that you and your girlfriend have to be perfect in all ways. I know you're young, but you're a human being, and as such, you have failings. Denial of your personal failings leads to some really awful, wacked-out behavior that is actually always way way worse than those human failings.

Anyway, get thee to a shrink. A feminist one, at that. And for the love of little baby tree frogs stop doing this ridiculous "we fell in love like superfast" without recognizing that those dopamine drops and instantaneous attractions are clear and present warning signs that you're about to fall into old, destructive patterns.

Good luck!

Special to Orbiters: Isn't it interesting that the inverse of "He's great but he wants me to drop 20 pounds and all contact with my family" is "She's great but she had teh secks before she met me and for reasons of which I disapprove even though I was not a partner to said secks"? That is, that it all boils down to the same problem but from two different perspectives?

LW#2: Hon, you don't owe Ted anything.

That was your mother's money to spend (so to speak), and so she did.

Sounds to me like Ted could use a little tough love from Michelle Singletary (and really, who ARE these people who think a job that requires, max, a high school degree can support a family? What are they smoking? Why do so many Americans totally fail to recognize that the dream of a working father, SAHM and 2.5 kids has only been a reality for a very small group of people for any significant time at all? That it is not a birthright, either?). She would totally call him out for being triflin'.

I would withhold any hush money. Otherwise he'll just become a whiny pain every time he needs something, but to you instead of your parents.

Also, send him a copy of the letter.

The thing you do owe someone is a break, for yourself! You have done everything right, and against the odds. So pay down your mortgage/put a down payment on a home, put some away for college for the kids and use the rest to get that new appliance you need and save for the car repair bills you know are coming eventually.

LW#3: This is a crazy, crazy lady. Just give her a hairy eyeball and walk on.

Look at it this way: She isn't going to stop burning bridges with just you. Eventually, she'll have to go to a whole new neighborhood to wreak her special crazy havoc.

LW#4: Unfriend her. Duh.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

From My Orbit

As per usual, original letters are here.

LW#1: It's kind of hard to know what to say here since two couples, one vacation rental, two weeks kind of sounds like a Bob and Alice and Ted and Joan (or whatever that movie or book or whatever was titled) situation.

On one hand, you guys all totally get along and like each other, but the limits of that like were tested. Most people end up sick and tired of the other couple's habits. But apparently you guys got along so great that unexpected sex occurred, driving the limits in the opposite of their usual direction (ie towards too much intimacy).

I've been trying to think what I'd do if I were in your shoes, and the answer is this: Let the friendship fade. If you truly and honestly believe that this was a one-off on both their parts, then you know that the closeness between your family and theirs can get a little crazy.

I also think you need to work on your boundaries as a person, your husband's boundaries as a person, and your boundaries as a couple. There are appropriate intimate relationships, and there are icky ones, and this friendship got all icky all fast, and obviously both you guys and they have something going on that trips all y'all's triggers in inappropriate ways.

LW#2: The solution is to take her out to eat more or start cooking yourself. "I am a partner in a large law firm" says to me that maybe you can even HIRE someone to do the cooking for you!

Also consider getting yourself tested for allergies. And having your wife's iron gut tested for what it can do for military sciences.

LW#3: It is time for your yard to become just your yard again.

Sure, the death of a young man is a pretty big event for your yard to have been the scene of. But your yard is also where kids play, dogs scratch dirt and newpaper delivery boys (who are woefully undertipped) leave your papers by accident on occasion.

So go ahead and reclaim your yard. Take the stuff that has accumulated to his family's, and say that you want them to have these memorial items. His memory is now for them to maintain, you can't bear the burden of it being in your yard anymore. Make it clear that you are trying to be as respectful as possible of the things that have accumulated, of their sensitivity. Because they are probably extremely ceremonial people, try to collect the things in as ceremonial a way possible, perhaps going so far as to rearrange everything on a pallet. I am dead serious.

You may want to throw in something (true or not) that their son's death was a wrenching experience for you, and it is hard to see these memorials up day in and out.

BTW, if you find a drunk, dying green spacelady in an orange bikini in your yard, having crashed her saucer on the way back from an intergalactic disco boogie, don't let people put clutter in your yard in my memory. I think it's a distraction, tacky and frankly it's just a bunch of clutter.

LW#4: These friends of yours are going to lose a lot of friends fast if they demand their money for multilevel (ie pyramid) marketing schemes. So tell them that if they're after your money, you're not interested. But when they want to be friends, you'll be around.

As for your customers, I'm going to say listen to the P-dawg here. Stay tactful and upbeat, but for the love of all things holy, there is no reason on this earth to get that $40/bottle Mona Vie.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

From My Orbit

As per usual, originals can be found here.

LW#1: You say you watch scantily-clad neighbors through their curtains, and you wonder if this is a form of cheating on your wife, to whom you are happily married even though you're in your 20s.

I suppose it's a lot easier to ask, "Am I a cheater?" than, "Am I a creepy peeping Tom?"

Because the answer to the cheating is no, you're not. But as to the question about whether or not you are gross is a definitive yes.

You also ask if you should reach out to these neighbors and tell them they've been putting on a show for months and to please draw the curtain. I'd phrase it as "I saw you through your window by accident the other day."

Some may say that the girls have no reasonable expectation of privacy, or that they probably don't even care and don't mind flashing the neighborhood because they're sluts. But unless they are spending lingering amounts of time posing in front of their windows like red light district prostitutes, they are counting on coincidence and neighborliness to keep them safe from prying eyes.

Apparently they couldn't count on yours. And that's a lesson to us all, says the alien who had a large window (though somewhat high) facing the street and a mini trampoline she used to bounce around on in her T-shirt and undies after a long day to loosen up while the blinds were up.

Special to Prudie: When two people make a date to violate the privacy of another person for sexual titillation, that's even creepier than one sad horndog caught off-guard.

LW#2: OMG. You should have just declined when you learned it was about work. Take it from me, there is some crap that goes on that you just flat out do not need or want to know.

You are all bad actors, and this is a dumb situation. Can all three of you not learn from it and move on like adults?

LW#3: You are terrified of spiders, yet for him you bought a tarantula. And though you nightly have (somewhat unjustified) terrors of the thing, you have lived with it for two years.

While your husband has open eyes about the lack of safety hazard caused by tarantulas (although I'd hate to think of a curious toddler putting it in his mouth), he is apparently completely blinded to his duty to be mindful of your needs, including your need to feel safe. And now you're reproducing with him.

What else is there about him that you have learned to ignore, much like you ignore that tarantula in that corner of the room?

For the record: Getting a pet that is a predator and undomesticated, like a tarantula or a snake, means not only taking on certain risks, but taking on an animal that will never love you. Do not enter into this sort of pet ownership with a light heart and an easy mind.

LW#4: Just ignore the creep. Presumably, if he doesn't lessen his creeper ways, you'll know the legal avenues to take to deal with him.

Friday, January 8, 2010

From My Orbit

As per usual, original letters are here.

Hey there gorgeous people.

I have been a bad alien. I have neglected you. It hasn't just been this week, but several where I have been late.

Out here, in space, I have had some new work assignments. They are permanent. And while I am so far liking to loving them, they are keeping me way busy. It is a terrible thing, but it is Friday evening your time and I have just now begun to read the Proodster.

I hate to tell you that this may be a new reality we may have to adjust to, but ... there is no way with this new work situation that I'm going to be able to sneakily do an FMO, much less sign into my top secret blogger account. And it looks like I will have to take a more ringside

I hope that you can be strong. For me. >8-)

On to the letters!

LW#1: Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.

I think you handled this as well as could be expected. I am very skeptical of the idea that nervous boys, about to be called out on their not knowing something, reach to make sure their balls are still attached to their bodies. I mean, I suppose this is possible, but I am really hoping Prudie's daughter's male classmates are actually getting some of this taunting she is talking about, because I don't remember boys adjusting themselves in class when I was little.

Insert "parents today/kids today" rant.

Frankly, if you are calling them out on being nasty, that is obviously something they need to hear. Don't bother getting some older dude to "rap with them." Just short and sweet say, "Dude, your hands were around your sweaty twigs and berries! Get away from my computer until you have Purelled yourself into next Wednesday!" then move on. That should suffice.

And, for the record, why are teenage boys so gross? It seems such a shame considering how horny they are, too.

LW#2: Are Prudie and I catching up at the very same time on "The Sopranos" season three? The most interesting effect about watching that show is I curse like a f*cking mobster for about three hours after I watch it. And I start thinking about how nice some gabbagool would taste.

Anyway, "My dad was this totally awesome guy who never made any rules or set any boundaries because he was passed out on the couch pretty much all the time" is not going to cut it. It's not only going to upset your mother, it's pretty much calculated to upset everyone.

Now, I am going to step back a moment and say that I think it's very interesting that you have created such a passive image of your father. You're acting like he's already dead! You even talk about him in the past tense! I mean, passing out may be all he did when you were a kid, but dysfunctional alcoholics rarely are so completely disengaged from their family. Usually they're manipulative, especially to their enablers. Like your mother, who clearly was one.

That is to say: There is a world of crap beneath what you have said. And I think your throwing up your hands to your mother is a very passive, almost your-father-like way, of dealing with the situation.

Not that it's a bad thing to not want to dig if you're getting along just fine in your life. Sometimes digging can only lead to more trouble. On the other hand, look at "The Sopranos". Tony's therapy illuminates only the fact that he hates his mother, and is so disgusted by her sexuality (which was only apparently aroused by meat his father got through violence) he passes out when he sees meat. The fact that he hates his mom kills him inside. And she hates him back, telling Uncle Junior to put out a hit on him.

Although Tony's therapy never seems to work (I mean, it's sort of the framework around which the show's concept was built), the stories you tell yourself about your father, and the stories you avoid remembering about your father, are significant to you. I think if you go through these stories with clear eyes and a forgiving heart (to yourself at least, to your mother if possible, to your father, who is still alive, if you can bear to), you may make some breakthroughs that will help you, if not your parents.

I'm not saying you have to dredge your memory for something positive about the man, I'm saying that as much as you reject the man, he appears to have an influence on you. I'm not saying that a eulogy is a place to confront this, much less make him out to be some kind of heroic person, but you should start somewhere, and hopefully before your father dies.

Good luck!

LW#3: I think you're going to have to be honest with your friend. It's what friends do. And also, if you know she likes you for you and not your piano money, you know it is real.

LW#4:  I suppose it takes a certain amount of balls to just text someone "u want 2 go out? Got tix 4 Avatar 2nite" instead of calling. So you could look at it that way.

Plus, it's just a date. Let me reiterate. It's JUST. a. Date.

Besides, the asking via text may not be showing a certain lack of confidence. You may have to actually go out to Avatar to see Mr. Textypants in action, showing a pretense of complete lack of awareness of other people as he texts through the movie. Those may not be the balls that you are looking for, but the thing is, you never really know how confident a person is until after a few dates. We're all on our (alleged) best behavior for the first few dates, and we're all kind of nervous.

Besides, imagine a life in which you are tired of not ever being asked out in any way shape or form, you lucky little ducky.

Besides, there is a cute, flirty way you can handle this. Text back, "If u call me to ask I'll say yes."

I find it less offensive to text for a date than to dismiss a semi-flirty text with a huff instead of responding with a semi-flirty text. Unless you know the texter is a ball-adjusting passing out drunk piano teacher or something.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

From My Orbit

I am so late on this, I apologize. Needless to say, I have been making a report back to the home planet, and showing it and its exotic ways (like black eyed peas for New Year) to the Astronaut.
LW#1: She really wants a job there? She will have to find a way to get it. Although it may have been kind of gnarly of you to keep this job application all top secret, the idea that she is saying SHE thinks YOU would HATE IT at that place is pretty weird posturing on her part.

If she were smart she would look at you as a means to her preferred end, job skills alignment/needs or not. You know, as her mole/source for employment there in the event you make the cut at all. But it sounds like she's not really that smart. I mean, really.

My only advice for you is to look at this job on its own merits and your own plans for the future and let her recuperate from her own mistakes. Just because she's jealous doesn't mean you need to walk all carefully around her, or even go after her. Her timing is off, and she is going to have to do more to get what she wants than hoping for a particular opening for her in the place she thinks she wants to work.

LW#2: As long as you're not a little too constant in mentioning your mother (you know, like, friend to waiter: "I think I'd like a Coke." You: "Mom loved Coca-cola."), then just remember that other people don't know how to address loss in general, much less the specific, tragic loss of a mother at a young age.

Maybe you can interrupt their silence with, "Sorry if that's awkward. I'm doing okay."

LW#3: Ah, the open adoption and the myriad social awkwardnesses opened up by incorporating yet one more branch of an extended family into your own.

Well, I think both you and your wife have valid points. It's perfectly natural for her to want her child to be her child. It is perfectly natural to accept a gift to benefit him from someone that you kind of sort of had some kind of contact with, and that you know cares about his welfare.

There is a huge gulf between "worm their way in" and "take away," and you seem to be blind to it. So first, put those eyelids up. How much privacy do you and your wife want in the way you are raising your son? How much do you want him to be part of *your* family, ie not having more grandparents than your and your wife's parents? How does she feel? (Sometimes, I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn, people don't even like their own parents telling them what to do to properly raise a kid.)

At this point, there's no telling what, exactly, the biogrand was hoping for (could have been a farewell gift), but it sounds like this is a boundary you and your wife will have to set and maintain. As a unit. That you aren't really aware of the whole family dynamic — of the biomom, the biograndmom, etc. — and what their expectations of their relationships with the baby and you and your wife, says to me that you may not be in a very good position to decide what to do with the gifts in a sensitive way. (Apologies if you post to the Fray, I haven't seen anything there yet and I know I'm totes late.)

Anyway, this sounds less like a letter for the internet lady and more like a nice, long talk with your wife, and then with the biograndmother.

LW#4: Okay, that first sentence was confusing. I was all, "Your teen is dating a man your age???? DOUBLE YOO TEE EFF??"

So all your needs are being filled except this one? And it has moved you to write to the internet lady? Really?

Either come back with the real problem that is nagging at you or be grateful for what you have. If this lack of flowers is the hill upon which you want to die, I think that is a problem the Fray would be happy to help you understand their point of view with.