Frum Mai LOLcats

Original: http://live.washingtonpost.com/dear-prudence-0920.html

Dir Proody : I haz a Rabbit at temple. He shepperd me thru ruff time. Nao he want to do it I think? Thing iz, I no want to and I got a hubbicat and kitteh. Hao I tell him I no want to bone but I laik hiz frenship?

Dir U: At rute, all rabbits want to bone. Espeshully wen in proximit kontact with anything warm. Next tyme he tuch ur leg, u sai, "NO RABBIT THAT A BAD BUNNEH!" Then u swat in fayce with claw out. He will get pikchur and not cross boundary again.

Dir Proody: HAO I HANG MAI CLOTHES THIS VERRRRRYYY IMPORTANT

Dir U: U r cat, u no wear clothes.

Dir Proody: When we haf kittehs? I want kittehs NAO, mai hubbicat, eh, he not so shur.

Dir U: U haz teh hubbicat, but do u haz teh money? If so, that when u haf teh kittehs. Also put ur grajiate degree to wurk before u put ur uterus to wurk.

Dir Proody: If i uze anonymous email to send note to coworker that he suck, iz that completely ballz-free?

Dir U: Yes. Uze anonymous ninja instead.

Dir Proody: Peepul say retard an it hurtz mah feelings! Mah kitteh is autistic!

Dir U: Autism is not retardation, numba wun. Also, no matter whut retarded peepul iz called, that wurd will be an insult until there is full ekwalitee for all. Az long az peepul is afraid they iz low on food chain, they need somewun lower than them, so they will act retarded and be insulting.

Dir Proody: Mai mommicat is stalking me. I kill her?

Dir U: If u want to. Mebbeh u find her a gud boitoi?

Dir Proody: Me an mai hubbicat go out, see peepul we knew wen we wuz younger, but cannot remember their names! Hao we handle this?

Dir U: Fish oil and embarrassment. "I FOHGOT! WE IZ SO OLD!" alwayz a good exkyoose.

Dir Proody: Creepy dood is creepy.

Dir U: If he haz not been told, tell him. Oh snap!

Dir Proody: I iz preggers, and I want to enjoy wine. IN PUBLIC. IN RESTAURANTS. IN SMOKY BARZ. Hao I deal wif judgmental peeps?

Dir U: If u r bownd and determined to defy peepul's persepshuns of whut is appropriate beehavyor for pregnant catz, u best come strapped wif ur best "I DARE U 2 FUK WID ME" look and the inkumbint attitood.

Dir Proody: Wedding kewtchin: We go to outdoor hippi bonfire wedding wif mud and stuff. Mai dress, it got rooind. Hoo pay nao?

Dir U: I bet ur not the only wun wundering. Next time u see mud and smowk coming, u just taik off ur dress in advance.

Dir Proody: Du tomcatz get a hall pass?

Dir U: Feelz laik it sumtimes. Tell brotherz they gots sumthing to do or u will kill them.

Dir Proody: mai kitteh's frend's boifrend bit her after drinking. Her frend nao all laik, "Whut ur problem, biatch?"

Dir U: Peepul bites wai moar dangerous than cat bites. Also, he nutz and when kittehs bite for no reezun they get put down.

Dir Proody: I haz a blooming career an I getting mai Pee HD! Mai boifrend lives wif hiz mommicat and daddicat an sees no reason to leave ever. Also hiz parents think it okay if I liv wif them an have kittehs. We haz fyoocher?

Dir U: I'm going to say no.

Dir Proody: Mai grown kitteh had a bizniss suck-sess and moved to teh woods to be alone in candy howse. For realz. This iz normal?

Dir U: Mebbeh U visit and find owt? Cuz sometimes it startz all happy hippie and ends in unabomer. Generally, happy hippies form happy hippie comyoonity and share veggies. This sounds unabomery.