Sunday, March 21, 2010

From My LOLcats

Dir Proody,

When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?

Scaredy Cat

Dir Scaredy,

Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.

Dir Proody,




Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.

Dir Proody,

Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?

Replikating a pattern

Dir Pattern,

Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?

Dir Proody,

I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?


Dir Clueless,

No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

From My LOLcats

From here, of course -- Spacey

Dir Proody,

I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.

I declayr jihad on her?

Dir Jihad,

Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.

R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?

Dir Proody,

I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)

Young and in LUV

Dir Young,

Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.

Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."

That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.

Dir Proody,

I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?

Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike

Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,

If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?

Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.

Dir Proody,

Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?

Movees, I kno them

Dir Movees,

If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.

I alreddy kinda haytes u.

Proody owt.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Massive LOLcat Attack threatens to collapse Teh Internetz

Wut I can say? I can haz a meowment to pawntifikate.  -- Proody Cat.

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?

I not put loshun on skin!

Dir Loshun,

So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.


Dir Proody,

I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?

Split cat-sonality

Dir Split,

Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!


Dir Proody,

I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?

Dawg owning cat

Dir, um, exkyooz me?

I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.

WTF, Proody

Dir Proody,

Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!

Math pedagogee book writer

Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,

Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.


Dir Proody,

I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?

Cat scratch fever,

Dir Fever,

It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.

Think abowt it,


Dir Proody,

Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?

P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???

I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing

Dir psychokitteh,

If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.

Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.

Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?


Dir Proody,

I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?

Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?

Dir no job,

It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.


Dir Proody,

I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?

Spazzin owt over here

Dir Spaz,

Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.