Tuesday, January 31, 2012

FMO Shorties


LW#1: It is very common for people who have been raped to try and assert control over the situation by calling it a "one night stand" or even by having sex with their attacker later. It sounds crazy if you're a distinctly black-and-white person, but it's true.

Realistically, this chick is not going to get very far in the criminal justice system even though, if she was drunk, she actually was not able to consent.

Stop blaming her for getting blackout drunk (although it sounds like she needs help) and start being mad that there was a guy who took advantage of her in that state.

LW#2: Children is one of those "deal-breaker" situations. And if you're both totally clear on what you want, then there's not really an option, is there?

FWIW, there's wanting to have kids and there's the reality of having them. Wanting them doesn't always make children happen. Prepare yourself for that possibility, too.

LW#3: "Oh, hai, his sister, who introduced us and died of cancer, was named Mia. You owe her an apology for stealing her name." Yes, let's play "Top That." Or "Highlander." There can be only one.

LW#4: First of all, your brother is awesome.

Second of all, you need to have a sister-to-sister talk with your dumbass sister. Surely she is aware there are aspects of her looks that are beyond her control? And that she would probably not appreciate being judged, mocked or belittled (ugh, sorry) for them? And that anyone who did so was probably immature and stupid? Well, then why does she treat a person who deserves respect like anyone else so badly, especially behind her back?

The thing is, you'd need to be *the one* to have this talk. That is, your sister needs to respect you at least a little, or else mom and dad are the right ones for the talk. Otherwise, a well-placed (as in, right after you hear a smart-mouthed comment) "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Grow the fuck up." might suffice.

LW#5: Both of you are nuts. Get professional help. Five kids and two destroyed marriages is not the answer.


LW#6: Act like it never happened. You got called out, your weaknesses and insecurities laid bare before your ex and his new girl. You gave them a gift, not a humiliation. Tuck that tail.

LW#7: If in your imagination, you see yourself with a bio kid and an adopted kid, I would say see where the bio end takes you first. Not to please your husband, although it will settle him down a bit, but because that's a lot more iffy than the adoption situation. There will always be children, and especially older children, who need adoption. Your ovaries, however, won't always be around.

But if he truly has "no interest" in adoption, you may need to respect what he says. It could be that his heart will open to the idea over time. It could be that it won't.

And again, you're left with finding out if you two are definitely on different life paths, or if there's one you can both comfortably and happily go down together.

LW#8: While I do not mean in any way to give legitimacy to the idea of a choreographed "court" (WTF, srsly?) dance, I also think that you're overanguishing this thing. Just do it and don't stress it.

Honestly, why can't people just have fun at weddings any more?

NAQ: Yeah, the "both are wasted" part is where I kind of wonder where the responsibility lies. But I'm not cool with Prudie's moralizing on how drunk one may get before you can't take responsibility for another's raping you.

LW#9: I think there is a suitably large gap between the plebes and celebrities that you don't need to worry about this dude stealing your girl. However, you just may need to worry about him banging her, since celebrities often display honey badger-like tendencies to take what they want.

But it wasn't nice of her to include someone she knows, however impersonally, and it was immature of both of you to start this "joke."

Oh, who am I kidding. I'd totally do Peter Dinklage if he threw himself at me.

LW#10: Go ahead and tell your friends that you'll need your stuff back. "I douched with Mountain Dew real quick this time," you tell them. "I guess next time we'll have to do it standing up, too." No one will ever ask for your baby stuff again.

LW#11: Sounds like your son is kind of an asshole. I'm sorry about that.

I suppose you can write your DIL a card or something to say how much you like and appreciate her, and while you don't suppose that continuing a relationship will be easy, you are inclined to try if she is.

And please do your best not to alienate your son or his gf so you can have a relationship with the grandkid. That may be able to help you get over your anger at him.

LW#12: You might want to tell them both that while Mia is a great employee when she's there, she needs to be there. It sucks that you have to give her this first lesson, but it will do her a world of good down the road. Hopefully both she and her mother will see it this way, and be glad a trustworthy person was able to convey it. Don't let the potential awkwardness overwhelm you, treat it like you're a mentor and she needs to learn.

NAQ: How do we know they were "both" drunk? So many assumptions.

LW#13: Next time you'll know to call the cops. Don't beat yourself up, it's a shocking and confusing thing to see, and there's no way you could have made the situation better by planting yourself in it.

LW#14: You may want to privately explain to your coworker that although your dad isn't dead, he may as well be to you, and it's really not anyone's business why. You can say you're sorry your drunk mom yelled at her, but you don't want to tell the office the story of your terrible father.

P.S. it's not that she's mad about being lied to with "critical information," it's that she wants some dirt and to be one up over you. Don't cede that ground.

P.P.S. Prudie's right about a canned response. Get one.

NAQ: "A rape accusation, false or not, can ruin a man's life." You know what can ruin a woman's life? Rape! If you don't want to be accused of rape, be careful about how you are having the sex! Is she wasted? Maybe you can take the gentlemen's way out and just leave your number! Is she asleep? Don't put your penis in her! Is she your hotel maid? Chances are she wants to clean the bathroom and not fuck you! Instead of hoping you have consent, make sure you have enthusiastic, sober consent -- especially the very first time you are boinking!

Imagine the world we'd have if we flipped this rape culture on its head, where women are presumed to be in a constant state of consent until they are fighting their attacker off -- and sometimes even then they are considered to really be consenting! What if we made it so that the default was no, women are not consenting to boink the world until they actually give consent to an individual?

Why do we have to parse where the "no" is? Why not parse where the "yes" is? What if the burden was on the rapist instead of the victim?

If you don't want to be accused of rape -- don't act like a rapist!

Friday, January 27, 2012

From My Orbit


LW#1: Your question: "Can I take a lover as, for the past decade, I have been the caretaker for my husband, who suffered brain damage that has left him a perpetual 11-y-o?" My answer: Yes.

You are doing your duty to him and your children by taking care of him. Even your shrink says you need a break. You need to do your duty for yourself. And it is possible to be a good wife and mother who seeks relief and affection when she can't get it from her husband.

The one caveat I'd throw out there is what happens if you find someone you really click with? And if both of you want to pursue something more? This is obviously a longshot/distant kind of thing, but while you still have the freedom to, chew that over.

LW#2: What. A. Bitch. You act as a surrogate, put on weight, and all the sudden she's telling you what you should or should not eat?


It's possible that bitch is just crazy and has some twisted stuff in her head about femininity, fecundity and needing to feel like some sort of winner when nature has shown that she has rocky soil where no seed can find purchase. That is, she feels "less than" you and has to make up for it. But the thing is, this is not what adults do, and is not behavior you should have to put up with.

That said, when the next opportunity arises, you need to have a talk with her alone. (Maybe you can suggest she go swimsuit shopping with you? You know, to give her an obvious opening?) Although maintaining a level, non-angry approach is the way to go, it will be hard, but I think starting with, "When you make comments about my weight, I feel like you're disrespecting me, and you don't appreciate that it was gained by having your child," is a good way to go.

Whatever excuses she makes, or, worse, if she continues to point out flaws, from here on out your tact is, "My body and what I do with it is my business, and if you make cruel remarks about me, you estrange yourself from me. Is that your intention?" If she has any self-awareness, she might realize that this is what she's been doing all along. But let's not give her that benefit of the doubt. She's going to say no. And you're going to say, "Great. Going forward, I expect no more negative commentary about my body."

See, you're allowed to set the boundary for yourself, and you're not allowed to throw her infertility in her face, either ("I worry what you'll tell your daughter about her body" also is uncalled for, though I'm thinking it). That will just estrange you from her.

LW#3: Can't you shift "Rick" into another department? Have a talk with the other staffers (you've vacationed with) one-on-one about handling his more egregious personality issues (as in, ignore gossip and drama)?

LW#4: Geez, you sound like a buzzkill. No hotdogs and hamburgers? For your kid? I mean, this doesn't sound like an allergy issue, just a control issue.

Can't you people take turns for the responsibility of dinner? Can't you go out to eat a couple of nights?

Can't you be an adult about this and not be controlling?

Monday, January 23, 2012

From My Orbit Shawties

Letters are from here.

Divorcing would-be biz partner: I think we can agree that while certain interpersonal traits are desirable in a person-to-person relationship, the same pressures don't exist in a business relationship as a marriage. Though I suppose he could think he's bored and be tantalized away with the come-ons of a sexy younger business (hey, wait, isn't that what you two are proposing to do together?). And a little deception and underhandedness is a bonus in today's market. So what I'm saying is: I think you're overthinking this. But if you find yourself not liking the guy, that might become an issue for your business.

Embezzling Bride: Insert "cost of average wedding is so high" joke here. I think she's not expecting any coworkers to show up at this point, though, to answer your question, so you don't need to worry about etiquette and not showing up. I mean, that's hardly a huge transgression at this point. If she calls (what gall!) to see if you're still on, just say, "You're kidding, right?" or maybe, "No, we don't really feel good about going right now." No justifications, just the facts.

Bulimic Teeth: Get them fixed. People know you've got a messed-up mouth anyway, by your own description, and there is nothing sadder than a 24-y-o who won't smile. I hope you don't have to have dentures (its own nightmare -- implants may be an option, and even though they're probably expensive, you're 24 years old and it's a long-term solution), and if people ask what was up with your old teeth, you can either tell them if you want or tell them it's not their business. Also, any dentist will want to help you get the best smile you can. You've got some self-confidence to shore up, baby girl. Get to it.

Friend married an old guy: LMAO!! Apologize to the friend. But honestly, you marry someone that much older/younger than you you develop a thick skin. I have a relative (my relatively youthful age) who married a guy who remembers WWII, and you think she hasn't heard it all (if anyone is an ass in this Facebook dustup it is the brother who liked your comment -- and you can rest assured by his assaholism that your mistake is hardly the worst she faces)? You're probably okay if you just send a message saying, "OMG, I'm sorry. I hope you two are happy."

Sister schtupping her Prof: The way you're writing this note makes me think you're the wrong person to say something to her. Why are you so het up about her sex life? I know, I hate to see good people schtupping the undeserving too, but seriously. To be honest, all you can do at this point is say, "Muffy, I am upset that you're having sex with a married man who is also your professor for all the reasons you have probably already thought of. You're going to do what you're going to do with your life, so that's the last time I'll say anything." Then for the love of God don't get dragged into her justifying stuff. Just keep saying, "I can't change you, you can't change me, let's just move on." Or you could totally butt out. But I say sisters have the option and obligation, in a close relationship where they want each others' opinions, to say their piece.

Ditched at the altar: Send an email to your manager explaining the situation and asking that people please don't make a big deal out of it because you are NOT in the mood to discuss it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But really, this is a simple question.

Feelings for BIL: Yeah, you are either both flirting with disaster or you're making up some drama in your head. If you love your husband you will put yourself on lockdown around BIL. Don't be alone with him. Don't obsess over the fantasy in your head about him -- just let it go. Let him go. Hold tighter to the one you really love and who is there for you.

Schtupper's sister again: Okay, this is a different context you've provided. Let your sis know that the grapevine is alive, and you're worried about the consequences for all involved, and you're worried about her. Do your best to bite your tongue about her dumb actions and get your concern across -- for her.

Baby daddy?: Oh man, this is the kind of q that got the Men's Rights Assholes out on the Fray board. Female covert inspermination, leading to duped male, the worst male there is to be, and it's all her fault and she needs to pay and he should never ever look at the kid and he shouldn't put one penny towards its growing up and not the other one, either, so she SUFFERS. EVERY DAY I'M SUFFERING. Anyway. Moving on. I would say that you need to quit obsessing because your baby has a father. I'm not sure what being honest with him about your past infidelity and current suspicions would bring to the table besides actual suffering, and not just by you but your children and your husband. Focus on what will make your family happier and healthier, which is letting this drop.

Naked teacher: Okay, wow, this makes that time I saw a teacher in the grocery store mundane. Look, some people your age are assholes, and would like to see a naked, hated teacher just to tell everyone about her saggy old person boobs and cottage cheese ass. But you are a locker room denizen, so you're cool and know that what happens in the locker room stays there. However, there is a difference between saying, "Hey, that was awkward. You know the locker room code?" and "I will get you." So tell your parents about her threatening behavior. And be cool, don't tell people at school what she looks like naked.

Allergic to everything: That sucks. Maybe there is some way to coordinate with hotels ahead of time so they use 7th generation or whatever? At least you can call them and have them note that you'll bring your own sheets if not.

Dog murderers: I feel enough doubt that people are willing to off a dog because it barks incessantly to say act like you know nothing. Really, it's the owner whose offing would accomplish what you need accomplished ...

Or you could just be sensible and do what Prudie says.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Make out queen, mental in-laws, mustard attack and Miss Jean Brodie

LW#1: You say your gf of six months has made out with three of the groomsmen in her friend's wedding. That begs the question, how many groomsmen are there? Is this a high or low percentage.

Just kidding.

Sounds like your gf is a drama queen. "I'm just trying to prepare you" in this case is "I just want to see how wound up you'll get over this." Apparently it is working well according to plan. Since apparently it has you twisted in knots, she has you where she wants you. Evade her trap not by checking out of the wedding, but by checking out of these games all together.

LW#2: "Squandered millions." I'm imagining having millions to squander. I'm imagining squandering more than $50.

Look, you have the right to say, "No way, you guys are toxic freaks and you're going to have to make do for yourself." Which is kind of mean. Or you could say the pere needs to put his assets in some sort of trust that your husband disburses regular payments to him from before allowing him to move in.

Basically, you have some serious crap here. But don't allow people to bring their crazy into your home: Set limits and boundaries before the first Samsonite appears on your doorstep.

LW#3: How old is your husband? God, they are both idiots. Frank didn't need to punch anyone. Did he expect anyone to know he's allergic to mustard? But mostly you are right, your husband is an immature moron.

I think, as far as your marriage goes, if you're still angry (and lordy do I get that), that's one thing. But if you're harping on him and being blamey, you're not helping yourself.

I kind of get the feeling that you've been thinking your husband is an asshole for a long time and that this prank has disrupted his livelihood, put you at risk (and could have killed Frank), and caused potential litigation has shone a new, vile light on someone you already thought was a nitwit. You are feeling contempt, a marriage-killer. He is feeling defensive, which is not conducive to growth. And to be honest, he needs to take a hard look at himself and change his ways. If he doesn't feel bad, stupid or mean for what he did, that's not good.

What does this mean for your marriage? It's a bad omen. Can an immature man and an angry woman make it? It would take a lot of work on both their parts. Are you up for that or just fed up? That's your call.

LW#4: Document, document, document. Talk with your advisers.

I'm as shocked as you -- who treats fourth graders like this? How mean! -- but the fact is you need to come clean about her behavior to, at the very least, the people in charge of your program.

It sounds kind of Mike McQuary-ish, I know, but are you even expecting her to write you a positive evaluation at all? She seems like she'd be happy to throw you under a bus, considering how much larger the stakes are for you than for the fourth graders.

Good luck!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

From My Orbit

LW#1: An island suburb of a major Pacific NW metropolis. Could it be Mercer Island? Fox Island? Or are you stretching with Bainbridge Island (bridge goes the wrong way) or even Whidbey Island? Seriously, what is the point of mentioning islands here?

Okay, this is going to sound very uncool, but you're both "thrilled" about being parents without being similarly thrilled with each other? You two realize that having a kid is a stronger bond than having a marriage, right? I know babies are exciting and all, but they are not things to trifle with! God, I sound so old and conservative. Maybe I'm just old and smart. I seriously don't get single parenthood. It's all the responsibility and half the money (or the same amount, but with all the responsibility of a job and a baby). It seems like THE WORST. (Paired with what I suppose some of you single parents will say is THE BEST: KIDS!!! to which I reply: conditions is what I speak of, not the actual kids.)

As to your question about moving to a non-tropical island: You are under no obligation and indeed, I would consider the people you're going to lean hard on (because you may be taking on more than you can handle), which is apparently not the baby daddy, to be the people you should want to be closest to. Consider his eagerness in a stark light: Lots of people love shiny new objects, but not when they have to deal with their poop or emotional needs.

LW#2: You wash your hands after you urinate because it's a good habit to be in. Or you don't because you want to give the world your own special "eff you." Your call.

LW#3: A good lawyer will tell you the chances of your case paying off. It is an assy thing of them to do, but it is also an assy thing for you to do to not tell them you have some sort of apnea, no matter how mild. You are behind the wheel of a potential death machine. Also, your lawyer friend may want to get it untwisted: This is not a HIPAA violation as your friend snitched, not a nurse or doctor treating you (unless he is treating you). Please, do your due diligence and make sure you're safe to be on the road. Someone's life may depend on it.

Speaking of liability, imagine the case against the company if your sleepy butt hit and hurt/killed someone!

LW#4: Eww. Your BIL sounds totally gross. His family should tell him that he has to fess up before he gets married or one of them will. You, however, stay out of it. He may have extenuating circumstances which you're not privy to, hence your word selection (like "pay off"), but his not telling her is not indicative of good things. You don't get to keep this kind of secret from your intended.

LW#5: You don't need permission to make your own decisions. That's your prerogative.

LW#6: Someone's uncle is all about the drama! The way I see it, he needs to shut it. You get the inheritance, and your brother no longer gets to control what you do with it. How you share it with your sister will make a difference, too. It's not just about fairness, it's about making sure that your brother does not extend the grudge beyond the grave, looping you in as his permanent ally.

Don't tell your sister you're sure he'd have wanted her to have some: He didn't! Own your feelings -- that the grudge isn't worth perpetuating!

LW#7: "I guess you think the manager was difficult because you're a total bitch, Anna." Say she's been outvoted, and she can stay down the street if she wants. If this is going to ruin her vacation, and she's going to ruin yours, reconsider ever traveling with her again.

NAQ: A parenting class will not help LW#1 or her baby daddy.

NAQ: No, you're the dumb one here. Sleep apnea = grogginess, lack of concentration and other terrible side effects. With a C-PAP machine he should be alright. Frankly, it's probably a good investment for his health and work.

NAQ: Yeah, you're right. Where did this joker get his JD?

NAQ: "It's not about you" should be what is framed on bathroom walls.

LW#8: Here's a class action lawsuit in the making. Read up on the Lilly Ledbetter Law. Not today, because there is a blackout of Wikipedia. But your company could be in violation of Federal Law. This is the sort of thing that demands a legal interdiction, not an individual request by a young woman for a raise who is likely to take the "bad economy" excuse. This is not your individual problem, this is against the law.

NAQ: What an asshole. Good on your dad and uncle.

LW#9: Yes, you may not-like anyone sometimes. When you start feeling a great more contempt and not-like than love and compassion, however, get to a shrink. And take the kid.

LW#10: I think you need to be honest with your dad. I'm going to tell you a little secret about men. Sometimes, they have an emotion, and it is so overwhelming to them that they let it run away with them. They get it all up in them that this is the biggest, brightest, most meaningful feeling they've ever had (until they have the next one). Their emotion has so much hold over them, they can't see their actions in anything but a positive light, no matter who is left reeling or hurt.

At this point, I think you need to forgive your grandfather for playing into your dad's big emotion revelation. But you need to be honest with your dad. He was a cad to your mother, who was left reeling, and you felt his wedding was disrespectful to her and, by extension, to you, and it hurt.

But here's the thing: Don't expect him to learn or even feel shame.

I have a friend who was in basically your exact situation. Her father, who had always had an undercurrent of the selfish, let it grow and swallow him whole. He left her mother, who was reeling. He married an annoying woman in a ceremony that can only be described as something out of a ... well, they wore robes and there was a dance before the vows. Not like a ballroom dance.

My friend's father, I would wager, has even fewer redeeming qualities than yours, but she managed to forgive him. She manages to forgive him time and again. And her mother is doing way better now. There were a lot of pieces to pick up, but they got picked up.

You're going to have to let your father live his life, and not let it affect you too much. You're going to have to forgive him his selfishness. You're going to have to let your mother feel her grief for herself. You're going to have to have an honest relationship with him, but not tie your ship to his without fenders.

LW#11: She's abusive and maybe retarded. She's in over her head, and letting the state know is a good thing.

LW#12: Well, anyone of us could get hit by a bus ...

Do what parents do, tell him everything is going to be all right. He'll deal with his fears better when he's older. Just let him know you both love him and you're here and not going anywhere.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

From My Orbit

LW#1: You know this is a normal fantasy, but you got freaked. Then Prudie started talking about electrodes on Alvin and the Chipmunk's nips. Say wha? I think she's trying to make you feel lucky or something.

Well, you wanted to make his fantasy come true, and it was weird for you. And to be honest, the whole "don't tell mommy" thing would put me off too, because although there is this fantasy sphere, if you're in a serious relationship with him, you are potentially a future "mommy" who is not being "told."And what aren't you being told? That "daddy" is molesting "daughter." Not that he would, but this being his ultimate sexual fantasy plants a seed. Thingies within thingies, people. I mean, why couldn't it be something simple like pirates and wenches? Or even My Little Pony? Those are so far from reality they are non-threatening.

Look, we chicks are highly conditioned to BEWARE, and for good reason. I think you and I both agree that this guy is probably not an actual pedophile. But his fantasy is one step beyond what you can really deal with, and I don't blame you a whit. It is not sexy to feel creeped out while boinking. And while you can ask him if he can put that power dynamic of powerful man/innocent naif to work in another, non-incesty scenario that works for him, if this is his bag, both of you may have a choice to make: Can you live with his scenario of choice? Can he live without it?

Good luck!

LW#2: It may be that your stepdaughter can take RU 486 (the abortion pill) at home, so it's not like she'd have to have a procedure that involved walking in front of her mother.

It is wonderful that your step-daughter trusts you to this degree. And while I understand your concern about your husband's not knowing, think about it this way: Have you ever entrusted some sort of information to one of your parents, begging him or her to not tell the other? Most of us have, at one point or another. And why? Because our problems and our solutions belong to *us,* not to people we don't want to include or who would trample on the decision-making.

In answer to your question: What is best for her is for you to let her make her decisions, and to not judge her, and to not pressure her in any way. What is best for her is for you to put her needs first, and to check your concerns and second thoughts at the door. What is best for her is for you to let her know you are there for her and her choices, and that you're letting her own them. What is best for her is none of her mother's or her father's business, especially as both of them sound like they have too much anger with this particular issue.

That's not to say that you can't tell her some variation of, "We both know your folks are anti-choice, and that this would be a big deal to them. That's why you're here. I feel terrible doing this as if it's behind your father's back, but I'm doing it because this isn't something he has control over. I'm not doing it because I have any control over it. I'm doing it because this is up to you, and I don't want to see anyone get in your way."

LW#3: Thumbsucking is not a good thing for an adult to do, and not just because it creates a bad impression. Her direct supervisor is not doing her any favors, and I don't expect if you tell her, "Hey, when you suck your thumb it creates a bad impression, especially around clients," that she'll up and change. But it doesn't hurt to ask. And if she's really an up and comer she'll try to break that bad habit.

I'm just going to add that Freud has some ideas about arrested development that are probably not all that inapplicable here. I wouldn't really expect a single conversation to "solve" anything. Girl has issues.

LW#4: "Look, lady, I can't be responsible for your forgetting your boots. So no." Say it in a tone of voice that says, seriously, bitch?

Then pre-emptively tell this story to all your book-clubbers, casting her as the crazy person she obviously is. But don't say she's nuts, let the others draw that conclusion. Be subtle, for Pete's sake.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

From My Lolcats

Dir Proody,

I haz a boifren! We date fur sevin hyooman yirs. Last nite, we had teh sex and fell asleep an then I woke up passin' gaz! I wuz fartin laik a PUPPEH it so bad it woke me up! I try to plai it off all normal an all teh next dai. He did too so natchurally I iz suspishuss. It so horribull I DIE INSAYDE! Hao can our luff survive?

Dir Speshul cat,

I haz an advice for u. Butt furst, teh PUNZ! Gassy, fartnocker, stinkbom and whut dat smell? Okay. Nao. Mai advice iz: WTF. U R CAT. U DU WHUT U WANT. Also, bai nao, u shud hev thrown up, had kittehz and licked ur own butt in frunt uv dis tomcat. Get a grip, puritan cat.

Dir Proody,

Mai fren haz a cancer! It gonna kill hur soon! She tell me after we smoke sum catnip, an nao she don't wanna talk about it no moar. Also, we iz in biznatch together and if she dye, we get in trubble mebbeh. Whut I do nao?

Dir Scaredy Cat,

Dis is a tuff sitchooashun. She iz in denial, u r looking fur akshun to bring about a resolushun. I say, call in a ninja to kill her preemptivly. Then hur death be a shok to all, but she look gud becuz she not pussy-futting around the trooth.

Dir Proody,

When I wuz kitteh, mai daddicat lose me in custody fite. Yesterday he kum to mai house and say, "SURPRIZE, I IZ UR FATHER!" But then he see mai Burkenstox, mai komposting litterbox, mai organic catnip garden an mai gurlfren an droo teh obveeyuss conclushun: I iz a lesbicat. He HAYTE lesbicats, also black kittehs, but he call them the n-wurd. I droo obveeuss conclushun: He is ickee, wif no diagnosus of mental incapasitee to exkyoose himself. But mai gurlfren, she feel gilt becuz she haz a family that is close and thinks I should also have a family of sum less distance than I am thinking I want, which is six feet of sod, if u kno whut I mean. Whut I do nao?

Dir lesbicat of disurning tayste,

U kno whut to do. Call in teh ninjas. An tell ur gurlfren to get over it. She iz cat! U iz cat! U no mayk nais to animuls that want to control u! That iz whut a stoopid doggeh duz! U fix ur glare on any hint of dissaprooval, an u killz it in spirit or body, whichever u haz energy for at that partikular moment! Plus, she is lesbicat, she kno patriarkee bad, rite? Also teh energeez, she kno negative racist homofobic energeez iz bad, rite? Tell her u don't put up wif hiz shizz just beekuz u kum frum hiz jizz! I cud go on but u get teh gist. 21 hyooman years of her luv is better than 1 afternoon uv hiz approval, blah blah blah.

Dir Proody,

I went to teh ultimate, most elegant obeedeeance skool in all teh wurld, and nao I screen appli-cats fur it as part of teh extensiff digging into theyr backgrownd to see if they iz sootibull. I interview a lovely young kitteh! And she sai she poor, but I Google-mapped her haouse an did a surch on the awwditor's website (told u it wuz ultimate skool) an it wurth a lot uv teh monies. I rat her owt nao?

Dir Mr. Elegenz,

Exkyooze me, ur purshun fur iz getting all up in mai perspektiff. Kwit wif teh humble brag. Nao: Don't wurry, I have it on gud authoritee that ur skool is so selectiff there is NO WAY, indeed, NONE AT ALL, not EVER IN A MILLYUN YIRS, no NUNKA, SHAMAYZE, NINE, NEE-YETSKI that she cud ever fool anywun in the multi-layered admishuns department. ::eyeroll::