Saturday, May 29, 2010

Proody: For when u need a poorly spelled smackdown

Dir Proody,

Mah mommicat is sick, in pain and cannot hold down a job. So she bekum a foster mommicat to a litter of messed up kittehs. She adopt wun, too! Dis kitteh, she trubble wif a capital T. Her tyme in teh pownd, it was not so gud, and nao she biting peepul, getting the po-po called on her and spending tyme in hospital for head-shrinker reezuns. Mai mommicat can't really deel wif all this kittehdrama to begin wif, much less this psychokitteh stuff.

Anniwai, mah auntiecat, who married a fatcat, sai, "Hey sistercat, wai not come wif me to Europe for three weeks? Leeve ur trubbles behynd!" Trubbles meaning the litter and the psychokitteh. The litter, the state will place. The psychokitteh ... well, she need a place to go for two weeks. Mah sistercat sai, "Here? No wai hoe-zay!" Mai hubbicat? "No wai!" But I think I can wear heem down eeven tho we haz little, fragile kittehs of our own.

I wear heem down and help psychokitteh or stand furm up to mommicat?

Hao I survyve mah childhud, I not ever kno.

Dir Survyve,

Lotz of drama up in ur joynt. Haz rich auntiecat considered paying for sleepaway camp? R all psychokitteh's vaxinayshuns up to date? And also, r u owt of ur mind? Help psychokitteh frum teh owtside, as interested adult, but proteckt ur kittehs.

Dir Proody,

I use to teech this younger guy in strange forrin land I livez in nao. Feelings, we haz them, tho we never, ever disclose them to each other except by the most forlorn glances. If we not date, everything continue inclooding pain in mah heart. If we date, wurld come crashing down, but we haz eech other. What I do nao?


Dir Luv-struk,

U never talk abowt ur feelings? How u not know he just have angstee eyebrows and weerd bowndary ishoos?

Do whut u want, u r cat. But mebbeh u need to get owt moar.

Dir Proody,

I got bad diagnosis and teh medical buks all sai I die in five yirs. It haz put a damper on mah abilitee to enjoy daily life wif mah hubbicat and little kittehs. Hao I just embrace the nao with the grace of peepul in moovees?

So effing sad over here

Dir Sad,

In moovees, peepul who r gonna die r played by actors who r not really dying reeding scripts ritten bai peepul who r not faycing impending doom. So, grayn of salt there. Get help. U needz it.

Dir Proody,

I am yung and strong and a boicat. So when teh water dish run dry, teh wimminz sai, "Strong yung boicat, can u refill it wif big water jug?" Wai they not do it themselves? Isn't feminism abowt me not being inconveeniensed by teh needz of teh laydeez every week for a minute or too? I bring mai own water in from home, BTW.

Boiling over water

Dir Boiling,

As catz, it iz troo, we duz not laik to haz to do chores for others. But if u no can tell they laik to see ur muscles straining a little, u need to realyze, in loo of soshul skillz, this is all u haz to get teh laydeecatz. Also, u appir to not haz ballz or brain. Purrhapz u shud go into water jug delivery and get ur mowth stitched shut. Yes, that abowt right preskripshun to mayk ur life purrfekt.

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