Proody, sociopathic LOLcat advisor

Man, I gotta start getting this stuff DONE. But you know what? It's like these problems just build and build and build, and then my work as LOLcat to the rescue is a little overwhelming. But better late than never: Here is Proody, unleashed!

Dir Proody,


I iz a yung kitteh. I haz a job! In radio! But there is this wun old leddicat who act laik kitteh. It repulse me. Nobuddy stop talking abowt how she nasty, pretending to be yung and hawt when she dried up and disgusting! Hao I maik her feel wurst abowt this, confronting her as hawter and smarter kitteh whilez I givez her denchure kreem and senior pet fud, yeah?


Mah poo, it haz no smellz

Dir Poo,

A wurd of advice: Any leddicat who haz a career and lifestyul invested in luking yung and hawt laik that haz not only amassed enuf power to get u fired for bean a little dum-dum, but likely also haz a pact with the devil and iz maybe a little evil. Evil enuf to kill, certainly. I wud think she haz killed befor. I wud also think mebbeh ur coworkers are setting u up to do something rilly dum for their own amyoosement. But u know whut, this sound laik it rilly bother u, so u go up to that old biddie and u sez, "Whai u act so hawt when u an old creaky cat?"

(Anywun who werk with Poo, pleez call me and let me know when this go down so I can watch.)

Dir Proody,


A year ago I caused an accident, sort of, and nao I feel shame and gilt. Whut I do?


Granpa Sunday driver wif horse trailer

Dir Granpa,

I think u r cat, so shame is not natural. I also think ur horse ownership iz not natural. I kind of think u r pathetic and needz to cat up. Realize kittehs taik their lives into their own handz all teh time, for stoopid reasons, u have no control over it. All u haz control over is ur accellerator pedal foot, and if u were being sooper careful of the law just to see a fast-livin kitteh get her comeuppance, well, stop being ashamed of it and start being prowd she fall in ur trap.

Dir Proody,


OMG I HAZ PARTY AND THESE TWO CATZ WERE HAVING TEH SECKS ON MAH COWCH OMG OMG !!!!!11!!!!1!!!!!1ELEVENTYMILLION!!!!!! I PUT ON SPACEBOOK NAO, RAIT???


I WALKED IN ON IT

Dir Walked,

Sounds laik u had a successful partee. U can put that on Spacebook.

Dir Proody,


I haz a husbandcat. He haz hobbeez. Many, many hobbeez. Boring fukking hobeez. And no frends so he ask me abowt his fukking fixee. I kill heem nao?


Desparate Housecat

Dir Desparate,

Oh hellz yes u killz heem nao. U kill any cat that show slitest need for opinion of others and put it owt of its mizery.

Dir Proody,


I haz a great boss, but she cry sometimes. And create lots of drama. Whut I do nao?


Uncomfortable

Dir Uncomfortable,

Whut, u can't complayn to Feline Resources? Okay, then u start feeding her informashun abowt who hayte her, who say mean things about her, hao her bosses no trust her and u are onlee wun she can trust. U build her up into tizzee of emoshuns. When she abowt to go postal, u call security on her. Then u r  hero who get to be new boss. Simpull.

Dir Proody,


Mai fren got a dawg an keep it in a tiny cage all teh time. Wai he so cruel? Whut I do nao?


Sympathetic

Dir Sympathetic,

Altho I generallee have no use for dawgs, teh best wai to deal with them is not caging them. This onlee mayke u look weak. Hissing, scratching, suddenly puffing up into furball, this teh wai to deal wif a dawg. U can offer to let ur frend know he is doing sumthing that will onlee lead to dawg tearing the stuffing out of heem, or u cud just sit back and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,


Mai boifren/fiansay, I LUVS HEEM SO MUCH! But he drinks a lot. Usually we fite and I haz to apologize becuz I get judgy, but this tyme he pee himself when drunk. Whut I do nao?


Litterbox, plz

Dir Litterbox,

If u apologize for being judgy then this relashunship is dun. He iz a drunk. U r a cat. Judgy is whut u r. And drunk iz whut he iz.

Dir Proody,


Mai old gurlfren from obedience school died. I greeve and morn in silence. But I want to cause some drama. Laik, reality TV scale drama. I send card to her husband so he know I thinking abowt his wifeycat? Will he tell mai wifeycat and get her angry? Is this a gud plan?


Lost love and mind

Dir Lost,

U do whut u want, u r cat. But to be honest, if u r wanting to connect wif this flayme so bad u are mebbeh hoping to maik owt wif her hubbicat, mebbeh u need to lay off the catnip.

Dir Proody,


Mai life as a kitteh was purrfekt. Laik "Leave it to Beaver." But nao mai parents tell me big seekret: Mom wuz a pussy-showing porn star! Her work on the intertoobz! I so shocked I think I sai sumthing crazy angry to them!


Devastated

Dir Devastated,

Isn't it terribull to lern ur parents not onlee laik secks, but mebbeh are having moar fun at it than u? She posed for sum pickchurs? So whut. Get a grip and do whut u r supposed to: Rebel. Wif crazier secks than u ever dreamed possibull.

Dir Proody,


I haz a dreem to do gud werk in the nashun's capitol. Mai mommicat, haoever, haz a cancer that needs insayne treatment. She not live in nashun's capitol. Whut I do? Follow mai dreem or help mai mommicat?


Ackshually Devastated

Dir Ackshually,

U r abowt to embark on a new lyfe annywai rite nao, but it sad that ur mommicat iz going to go thru all the keemo and have a hard tyme while u r mixing it up wif ambassadors from faraway lands. Mebbeh u taik the train home wunce in a while?

Dir Proody,


Mai mommicat is a mess. Literully! Her lyfe is a shambles of bad desishuns, self-inflicted poverty and a trail of untaken and unwerking medicashuns and doctorcats. Nao I have agreed, with mai sister, to foot the bill for a place for her. But for mommicat to get to that place her apartment had to be cleaned. Her apartment is basically a living simbol of the mess she has mayde of her lyfe, so I wuz all, "Hellz no I does NOT WANT to clean it!" Nao mai sister is mad I not kleen apartment wif her. Hao I heel this wound?


Sloppy seconds

Dir Sloppy,

Ur mother sounds awful. I suggest getting some barely competant ninjas to take her owt. Then u and ur sister will have to avenge her sweet, sweet release from the mortal coil by killing them. And since they r barely competant u will be okay. And then the day is saved and the breach is spanned.

Sumtymes I surprize myself with hao amayzing mai advice is.

Dir Proody,


I raise mai dottercats to be naice. But they not laik dorky kittehs or mean kittehs. I beat this kindness into their headz, right?


Popularity for teh burdz

Dir Burdz,

U raise kidz, they will disappoint u. By, in ur case, being well-liked and popular. I kno I am definitelee not too soshul. But some kittehs laik peepul. It weerd but true. And sumtymes u haf to accept that, and slink back into ur corner and stare at teh wall and strike owt at anywun who dum enuf to interrupt u.

Speaking of which, I haz a corner to get to nao.