Monday, May 24, 2010

Listen to the cats

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh and a hubbicat, who is not the kittehdaddeh. The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey. We get hubbicat to adopt kitteh or we let heem have playdates wif kittehdaddeh because, well, he's teh sperm donor?

Iz embarassed to haz slept wif the kittehdaddeh

Dir embarrassed,

Of coarse u r.

But nao we ask, "Duz u want to protekt ur kitteh or, alternativelee, let him mayk his own choices after he iz put in bad posishun wif rapey felon?" I tend to err on teh side of leeving well enuf alone.

Dir Proody,

I can haz job? Iz years nao and I iz kind of ... frusstrayted. Want to kill peepul who is asking me, "Wai u not wurk for such a long time?" I can kill them, rait?


Dir Frusstrayted,

U R cat, so yes, you may come at them ninja-style. Alternative solooshun: Maybe you get self-employed so u can get an underling to do all teh work?

Dir Proody,

Mah sister in law, she gradjiating! She salotatorian! But her mommicat iz going to go to teh head of teh skool and bitch for sum rilly dum reesons abowt these other kittehs being ineligible to speechify in front of teh class.

Teh delikat point iz that I want mah kitteh to go to this skool sumday, and I haz relatives that werk there. Whut I do nao?

Prowd of SIL

Dir Prowd,

I think ur SIL iz abowt to get owt frum under one cattiwumpus of an apron string, that whut I think. Cud u videotape ur MIL in action? I think that wud be a killer UTube viral video. Sumtimes peepul haz to lern teh hard way. Mebbeh not ur SIL, but her mommicat? Take that bitch to skool.

Dir Proody,

Mah boifren, he haz a frend he will room with at a conference. Problem? She iz gurl! I totallee trust they not be having teh secks, even teh drunken "accidental" secks or "have u ever wundered" secks. I rilly do. I am so unconserned about it that I am obsessed wif other cats seeing them go back to their shared room thinking that they are having this not-at-all-happening-ever-in-a-million-years-or-Cuervos secks. That whut mayk me sad. But she iz laid off and he iz compashun itself. Whut I do nao?

I trust heem implisitlee. Rilly.

Dir Rilly,

Well, if he were a smart cheeter he wud not hav told u. OR IZ HE THAT SMART THAT HE CAN DO THE DOUBLE BACKSTAB?

Onlee one opshun: Find an excuse to go to this conference wif him, or in separate room. If posible, haz her boifren be ur roomie. Mayk sertin that hijinks ensue. Sell transcript of entire awkward weekend to become a pilot for awkward sitcom. Mayke tons of money. Leave ur boifren u no trust.

Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.


  1. Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.

    Full of WIN!

  2. Once again, I cannot hide my love for the Proody Cat's wisdom. It's not frequently that I shoot soda from my nose (thank God), but, I always appreciate it when it does happen. :-)

    I can haz job? (pretty classic, and a nod to the original original--nicely done). ;-)

  3. "The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey."

    Kind of rapey.

    Kind of GENIUS, Spacer! ;)

  4. Chikken of the See iz rite. "Kind of rapey" iz awesum! Breellyunce, you haz it!