Thursday, March 4, 2010

Massive LOLcat Attack threatens to collapse Teh Internetz

Wut I can say? I can haz a meowment to pawntifikate.  -- Proody Cat.

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?

I not put loshun on skin!

Dir Loshun,

So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.


Dir Proody,

I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?

Split cat-sonality

Dir Split,

Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!


Dir Proody,

I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?

Dawg owning cat

Dir, um, exkyooz me?

I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.

WTF, Proody

Dir Proody,

Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!

Math pedagogee book writer

Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,

Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.


Dir Proody,

I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?

Cat scratch fever,

Dir Fever,

It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.

Think abowt it,


Dir Proody,

Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?

P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???

I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing

Dir psychokitteh,

If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.

Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.

Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?


Dir Proody,

I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?

Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?

Dir no job,

It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.


Dir Proody,

I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?

Spazzin owt over here

Dir Spaz,

Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.



  1. Lolcat, such fine advice! We should listen to our four legged felines more often...

    It's so true that it would be worse for a cat to be owned by a dog, the cat would have to spend her life on top of the fridge or on a tree...

    "shadenfroida" belongs in the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language! Lolcat is a genius!

    woof woof

  2. "Spazzin owt over here"

    Like, omigod! ;)

  3. "I not put loshun on skin!"