Saturday, May 29, 2010

Proody: For when u need a poorly spelled smackdown

Dir Proody,

Mah mommicat is sick, in pain and cannot hold down a job. So she bekum a foster mommicat to a litter of messed up kittehs. She adopt wun, too! Dis kitteh, she trubble wif a capital T. Her tyme in teh pownd, it was not so gud, and nao she biting peepul, getting the po-po called on her and spending tyme in hospital for head-shrinker reezuns. Mai mommicat can't really deel wif all this kittehdrama to begin wif, much less this psychokitteh stuff.

Anniwai, mah auntiecat, who married a fatcat, sai, "Hey sistercat, wai not come wif me to Europe for three weeks? Leeve ur trubbles behynd!" Trubbles meaning the litter and the psychokitteh. The litter, the state will place. The psychokitteh ... well, she need a place to go for two weeks. Mah sistercat sai, "Here? No wai hoe-zay!" Mai hubbicat? "No wai!" But I think I can wear heem down eeven tho we haz little, fragile kittehs of our own.

I wear heem down and help psychokitteh or stand furm up to mommicat?

Hao I survyve mah childhud, I not ever kno.

Dir Survyve,

Lotz of drama up in ur joynt. Haz rich auntiecat considered paying for sleepaway camp? R all psychokitteh's vaxinayshuns up to date? And also, r u owt of ur mind? Help psychokitteh frum teh owtside, as interested adult, but proteckt ur kittehs.

Dir Proody,

I use to teech this younger guy in strange forrin land I livez in nao. Feelings, we haz them, tho we never, ever disclose them to each other except by the most forlorn glances. If we not date, everything continue inclooding pain in mah heart. If we date, wurld come crashing down, but we haz eech other. What I do nao?


Dir Luv-struk,

U never talk abowt ur feelings? How u not know he just have angstee eyebrows and weerd bowndary ishoos?

Do whut u want, u r cat. But mebbeh u need to get owt moar.

Dir Proody,

I got bad diagnosis and teh medical buks all sai I die in five yirs. It haz put a damper on mah abilitee to enjoy daily life wif mah hubbicat and little kittehs. Hao I just embrace the nao with the grace of peepul in moovees?

So effing sad over here

Dir Sad,

In moovees, peepul who r gonna die r played by actors who r not really dying reeding scripts ritten bai peepul who r not faycing impending doom. So, grayn of salt there. Get help. U needz it.

Dir Proody,

I am yung and strong and a boicat. So when teh water dish run dry, teh wimminz sai, "Strong yung boicat, can u refill it wif big water jug?" Wai they not do it themselves? Isn't feminism abowt me not being inconveeniensed by teh needz of teh laydeez every week for a minute or too? I bring mai own water in from home, BTW.

Boiling over water

Dir Boiling,

As catz, it iz troo, we duz not laik to haz to do chores for others. But if u no can tell they laik to see ur muscles straining a little, u need to realyze, in loo of soshul skillz, this is all u haz to get teh laydeecatz. Also, u appir to not haz ballz or brain. Purrhapz u shud go into water jug delivery and get ur mowth stitched shut. Yes, that abowt right preskripshun to mayk ur life purrfekt.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Listen to the cats

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh and a hubbicat, who is not the kittehdaddeh. The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey. We get hubbicat to adopt kitteh or we let heem have playdates wif kittehdaddeh because, well, he's teh sperm donor?

Iz embarassed to haz slept wif the kittehdaddeh

Dir embarrassed,

Of coarse u r.

But nao we ask, "Duz u want to protekt ur kitteh or, alternativelee, let him mayk his own choices after he iz put in bad posishun wif rapey felon?" I tend to err on teh side of leeving well enuf alone.

Dir Proody,

I can haz job? Iz years nao and I iz kind of ... frusstrayted. Want to kill peepul who is asking me, "Wai u not wurk for such a long time?" I can kill them, rait?


Dir Frusstrayted,

U R cat, so yes, you may come at them ninja-style. Alternative solooshun: Maybe you get self-employed so u can get an underling to do all teh work?

Dir Proody,

Mah sister in law, she gradjiating! She salotatorian! But her mommicat iz going to go to teh head of teh skool and bitch for sum rilly dum reesons abowt these other kittehs being ineligible to speechify in front of teh class.

Teh delikat point iz that I want mah kitteh to go to this skool sumday, and I haz relatives that werk there. Whut I do nao?

Prowd of SIL

Dir Prowd,

I think ur SIL iz abowt to get owt frum under one cattiwumpus of an apron string, that whut I think. Cud u videotape ur MIL in action? I think that wud be a killer UTube viral video. Sumtimes peepul haz to lern teh hard way. Mebbeh not ur SIL, but her mommicat? Take that bitch to skool.

Dir Proody,

Mah boifren, he haz a frend he will room with at a conference. Problem? She iz gurl! I totallee trust they not be having teh secks, even teh drunken "accidental" secks or "have u ever wundered" secks. I rilly do. I am so unconserned about it that I am obsessed wif other cats seeing them go back to their shared room thinking that they are having this not-at-all-happening-ever-in-a-million-years-or-Cuervos secks. That whut mayk me sad. But she iz laid off and he iz compashun itself. Whut I do nao?

I trust heem implisitlee. Rilly.

Dir Rilly,

Well, if he were a smart cheeter he wud not hav told u. OR IZ HE THAT SMART THAT HE CAN DO THE DOUBLE BACKSTAB?

Onlee one opshun: Find an excuse to go to this conference wif him, or in separate room. If posible, haz her boifren be ur roomie. Mayk sertin that hijinks ensue. Sell transcript of entire awkward weekend to become a pilot for awkward sitcom. Mayke tons of money. Leave ur boifren u no trust.

Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Proody, sociopathic LOLcat advisor

Man, I gotta start getting this stuff DONE. But you know what? It's like these problems just build and build and build, and then my work as LOLcat to the rescue is a little overwhelming. But better late than never: Here is Proody, unleashed!

Dir Proody,

I iz a yung kitteh. I haz a job! In radio! But there is this wun old leddicat who act laik kitteh. It repulse me. Nobuddy stop talking abowt how she nasty, pretending to be yung and hawt when she dried up and disgusting! Hao I maik her feel wurst abowt this, confronting her as hawter and smarter kitteh whilez I givez her denchure kreem and senior pet fud, yeah?

Mah poo, it haz no smellz

Dir Poo,

A wurd of advice: Any leddicat who haz a career and lifestyul invested in luking yung and hawt laik that haz not only amassed enuf power to get u fired for bean a little dum-dum, but likely also haz a pact with the devil and iz maybe a little evil. Evil enuf to kill, certainly. I wud think she haz killed befor. I wud also think mebbeh ur coworkers are setting u up to do something rilly dum for their own amyoosement. But u know whut, this sound laik it rilly bother u, so u go up to that old biddie and u sez, "Whai u act so hawt when u an old creaky cat?"

(Anywun who werk with Poo, pleez call me and let me know when this go down so I can watch.)

Dir Proody,

A year ago I caused an accident, sort of, and nao I feel shame and gilt. Whut I do?

Granpa Sunday driver wif horse trailer

Dir Granpa,

I think u r cat, so shame is not natural. I also think ur horse ownership iz not natural. I kind of think u r pathetic and needz to cat up. Realize kittehs taik their lives into their own handz all teh time, for stoopid reasons, u have no control over it. All u haz control over is ur accellerator pedal foot, and if u were being sooper careful of the law just to see a fast-livin kitteh get her comeuppance, well, stop being ashamed of it and start being prowd she fall in ur trap.

Dir Proody,



Dir Walked,

Sounds laik u had a successful partee. U can put that on Spacebook.

Dir Proody,

I haz a husbandcat. He haz hobbeez. Many, many hobbeez. Boring fukking hobeez. And no frends so he ask me abowt his fukking fixee. I kill heem nao?

Desparate Housecat

Dir Desparate,

Oh hellz yes u killz heem nao. U kill any cat that show slitest need for opinion of others and put it owt of its mizery.

Dir Proody,

I haz a great boss, but she cry sometimes. And create lots of drama. Whut I do nao?


Dir Uncomfortable,

Whut, u can't complayn to Feline Resources? Okay, then u start feeding her informashun abowt who hayte her, who say mean things about her, hao her bosses no trust her and u are onlee wun she can trust. U build her up into tizzee of emoshuns. When she abowt to go postal, u call security on her. Then u r  hero who get to be new boss. Simpull.

Dir Proody,

Mai fren got a dawg an keep it in a tiny cage all teh time. Wai he so cruel? Whut I do nao?


Dir Sympathetic,

Altho I generallee have no use for dawgs, teh best wai to deal with them is not caging them. This onlee mayke u look weak. Hissing, scratching, suddenly puffing up into furball, this teh wai to deal wif a dawg. U can offer to let ur frend know he is doing sumthing that will onlee lead to dawg tearing the stuffing out of heem, or u cud just sit back and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren/fiansay, I LUVS HEEM SO MUCH! But he drinks a lot. Usually we fite and I haz to apologize becuz I get judgy, but this tyme he pee himself when drunk. Whut I do nao?

Litterbox, plz

Dir Litterbox,

If u apologize for being judgy then this relashunship is dun. He iz a drunk. U r a cat. Judgy is whut u r. And drunk iz whut he iz.

Dir Proody,

Mai old gurlfren from obedience school died. I greeve and morn in silence. But I want to cause some drama. Laik, reality TV scale drama. I send card to her husband so he know I thinking abowt his wifeycat? Will he tell mai wifeycat and get her angry? Is this a gud plan?

Lost love and mind

Dir Lost,

U do whut u want, u r cat. But to be honest, if u r wanting to connect wif this flayme so bad u are mebbeh hoping to maik owt wif her hubbicat, mebbeh u need to lay off the catnip.

Dir Proody,

Mai life as a kitteh was purrfekt. Laik "Leave it to Beaver." But nao mai parents tell me big seekret: Mom wuz a pussy-showing porn star! Her work on the intertoobz! I so shocked I think I sai sumthing crazy angry to them!


Dir Devastated,

Isn't it terribull to lern ur parents not onlee laik secks, but mebbeh are having moar fun at it than u? She posed for sum pickchurs? So whut. Get a grip and do whut u r supposed to: Rebel. Wif crazier secks than u ever dreamed possibull.

Dir Proody,

I haz a dreem to do gud werk in the nashun's capitol. Mai mommicat, haoever, haz a cancer that needs insayne treatment. She not live in nashun's capitol. Whut I do? Follow mai dreem or help mai mommicat?

Ackshually Devastated

Dir Ackshually,

U r abowt to embark on a new lyfe annywai rite nao, but it sad that ur mommicat iz going to go thru all the keemo and have a hard tyme while u r mixing it up wif ambassadors from faraway lands. Mebbeh u taik the train home wunce in a while?

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat is a mess. Literully! Her lyfe is a shambles of bad desishuns, self-inflicted poverty and a trail of untaken and unwerking medicashuns and doctorcats. Nao I have agreed, with mai sister, to foot the bill for a place for her. But for mommicat to get to that place her apartment had to be cleaned. Her apartment is basically a living simbol of the mess she has mayde of her lyfe, so I wuz all, "Hellz no I does NOT WANT to clean it!" Nao mai sister is mad I not kleen apartment wif her. Hao I heel this wound?

Sloppy seconds

Dir Sloppy,

Ur mother sounds awful. I suggest getting some barely competant ninjas to take her owt. Then u and ur sister will have to avenge her sweet, sweet release from the mortal coil by killing them. And since they r barely competant u will be okay. And then the day is saved and the breach is spanned.

Sumtymes I surprize myself with hao amayzing mai advice is.

Dir Proody,

I raise mai dottercats to be naice. But they not laik dorky kittehs or mean kittehs. I beat this kindness into their headz, right?

Popularity for teh burdz

Dir Burdz,

U raise kidz, they will disappoint u. By, in ur case, being well-liked and popular. I kno I am definitelee not too soshul. But some kittehs laik peepul. It weerd but true. And sumtymes u haf to accept that, and slink back into ur corner and stare at teh wall and strike owt at anywun who dum enuf to interrupt u.

Speaking of which, I haz a corner to get to nao.