From My Orbit

As per usual, original letters are here.

Hey there gorgeous people.

I have been a bad alien. I have neglected you. It hasn't just been this week, but several where I have been late.

Out here, in space, I have had some new work assignments. They are permanent. And while I am so far liking to loving them, they are keeping me way busy. It is a terrible thing, but it is Friday evening your time and I have just now begun to read the Proodster.

I hate to tell you that this may be a new reality we may have to adjust to, but ... there is no way with this new work situation that I'm going to be able to sneakily do an FMO, much less sign into my top secret blogger account. And it looks like I will have to take a more ringside

I hope that you can be strong. For me. >8-)

On to the letters!

LW#1: Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.

I think you handled this as well as could be expected. I am very skeptical of the idea that nervous boys, about to be called out on their not knowing something, reach to make sure their balls are still attached to their bodies. I mean, I suppose this is possible, but I am really hoping Prudie's daughter's male classmates are actually getting some of this taunting she is talking about, because I don't remember boys adjusting themselves in class when I was little.

Insert "parents today/kids today" rant.

Frankly, if you are calling them out on being nasty, that is obviously something they need to hear. Don't bother getting some older dude to "rap with them." Just short and sweet say, "Dude, your hands were around your sweaty twigs and berries! Get away from my computer until you have Purelled yourself into next Wednesday!" then move on. That should suffice.

And, for the record, why are teenage boys so gross? It seems such a shame considering how horny they are, too.

LW#2: Are Prudie and I catching up at the very same time on "The Sopranos" season three? The most interesting effect about watching that show is I curse like a f*cking mobster for about three hours after I watch it. And I start thinking about how nice some gabbagool would taste.

Anyway, "My dad was this totally awesome guy who never made any rules or set any boundaries because he was passed out on the couch pretty much all the time" is not going to cut it. It's not only going to upset your mother, it's pretty much calculated to upset everyone.

Now, I am going to step back a moment and say that I think it's very interesting that you have created such a passive image of your father. You're acting like he's already dead! You even talk about him in the past tense! I mean, passing out may be all he did when you were a kid, but dysfunctional alcoholics rarely are so completely disengaged from their family. Usually they're manipulative, especially to their enablers. Like your mother, who clearly was one.

That is to say: There is a world of crap beneath what you have said. And I think your throwing up your hands to your mother is a very passive, almost your-father-like way, of dealing with the situation.

Not that it's a bad thing to not want to dig if you're getting along just fine in your life. Sometimes digging can only lead to more trouble. On the other hand, look at "The Sopranos". Tony's therapy illuminates only the fact that he hates his mother, and is so disgusted by her sexuality (which was only apparently aroused by meat his father got through violence) he passes out when he sees meat. The fact that he hates his mom kills him inside. And she hates him back, telling Uncle Junior to put out a hit on him.

Although Tony's therapy never seems to work (I mean, it's sort of the framework around which the show's concept was built), the stories you tell yourself about your father, and the stories you avoid remembering about your father, are significant to you. I think if you go through these stories with clear eyes and a forgiving heart (to yourself at least, to your mother if possible, to your father, who is still alive, if you can bear to), you may make some breakthroughs that will help you, if not your parents.

I'm not saying you have to dredge your memory for something positive about the man, I'm saying that as much as you reject the man, he appears to have an influence on you. I'm not saying that a eulogy is a place to confront this, much less make him out to be some kind of heroic person, but you should start somewhere, and hopefully before your father dies.

Good luck!

LW#3: I think you're going to have to be honest with your friend. It's what friends do. And also, if you know she likes you for you and not your piano money, you know it is real.

LW#4:  I suppose it takes a certain amount of balls to just text someone "u want 2 go out? Got tix 4 Avatar 2nite" instead of calling. So you could look at it that way.

Plus, it's just a date. Let me reiterate. It's JUST. a. Date.

Besides, the asking via text may not be showing a certain lack of confidence. You may have to actually go out to Avatar to see Mr. Textypants in action, showing a pretense of complete lack of awareness of other people as he texts through the movie. Those may not be the balls that you are looking for, but the thing is, you never really know how confident a person is until after a few dates. We're all on our (alleged) best behavior for the first few dates, and we're all kind of nervous.

Besides, imagine a life in which you are tired of not ever being asked out in any way shape or form, you lucky little ducky.

Besides, there is a cute, flirty way you can handle this. Text back, "If u call me to ask I'll say yes."

I find it less offensive to text for a date than to dismiss a semi-flirty text with a huff instead of responding with a semi-flirty text. Unless you know the texter is a ball-adjusting passing out drunk piano teacher or something.

From My Orbit

OMG it's been so long! I will try to never be away from you all that long again! Okay! Here we go!

As usual, read it all here first.

LW#1: Sister wants YOU to take time out and pay to ship her gifts? I see why you are upset. No need to pile on the "we are professionals" here, just when your sister says something patently crazy, call her out with a laugh and a "that's crazytalk." If she repeats herself, say, "Look, the post office? We'll give you a ride there on Dec. 26." Yes, they were open.

Telling her that you're willing to share the inconvenience that way is about as good as you can do, and that she's awfully demanding, isn't she?

LW#2: Well, you only started seriously dating her a month ago. Look, is this the kind of person you want to be with? And moreover, is this the kind of person you want to be? Suspicious, jealous and trying to make her give up gifts that are just lotion and perfume (hey, the fact that he knows what she likes probably means bupkis, if that means anything to you. These are superbasic gifts for chicks). Sure, she's kind of weird about these gifts, and that means, I think, more than the whole tension you're creating around them in and of themselves.

I don't get what all her church talk or "he's married" talk is about, but let's face it, you've been in this thing a month and already you sense she has checked out. Nothing at all you can do about that, dude.

LW#3: So they breached etiquette, that's what a-holes do.

Now you are both totally aware that they are big a-holes. I don't see why you need to go all crazy doubling down on the number of a-holes in the family by refusing to see them for Christmas.

Besides, these are an aunt and uncle, fairly peripheral to the people you will be seeing. And EVERYBODY has an a-hole relative they don't want to see. Just ask around the Fray.

Your best bet is to shrug your shoulders, realize that you cannot control nor reform these a-holes, and move along in your own lives with as much dignity and grace as you personally can muster and not take things so personal.

LW#4: She hates you out loud, and you act your hatred of her out passive-aggresive style. Great.

I mean, as long as you realize that what you are doing is an act of malicious spite, as long as you realize that what you are doing will do nothing to thaw out your frosty relationship with this woman and do everything to make it colder. As long as you realize that your special someone is going to have to be the filter for this negative two way hatred, a position I'm sure she'll just freaking love, then go ahead, put your feelings in that locked metal box.

I mean, don't feel obligated to be the better person just because you want to show your honey that you aren't going to let her mother hate you for foolish reasons only, and not any actual behavior on your part.

Sheesh.

I doubt you'd call this wrapping a "masterpiece" if you hadn't heard some cartoon villain use it before.

Besides, she isn't in on the longstanding years of prank wrapping.

Give people a break. They may give you one in return, awesome rich prankster dude.

From My Orbit

As usual, original letters can be found here.

LW#1: Your ex is kind of an a-hole, I will give you that, if your version of events is correct and, totally unprompted by the child, he just decided to take a dump on the fantasy that is Santa Claus.

On the other hand, by age 8, I think it's appropriate for kids to start discovering the boundary of fantasy. That is, at some point, they can't be thinking there are fairies and unicorns and Santa and his merry band of toy-making slaves, er, elves, and flying reindeer. But that's not all! There is the dark side of fantasy! Witches, evil powers, the devil, goblins and demons. Learning that those creatures don't exist, and that mankind basically creates its own hell with no supernatural prompting, is a lesson that is important, sad and at the same time reassuring one.

Think back on your own Santa revelation time. Mine was pathetically late, as I had "heard Santa's deer" on the roof during a period of skepticism/hypothesis testing one Christmas Eve and I was good until about 11 or 12, when finally I had to face the fact that elves did not make Fisher-Price toys, Fisher-Price did. Also, the time I didn't tell my parents I lost a molar and the Tooth Fairy didn't come and I threw a fit at the breakfast table, blubbing and declaring, "YOU LIED TO ME!!!" I was the sort who was not one to let the fantasy go, you know?

The point is, we all put this in context eventually. Usually within a few hours or days. Kids are actually quite resilient, and are better at taking in news than people give them credit for. What they really want to hear is that you will protect them, that they are safe, and that their trust is not completely misplaced. And I'm pretty sure that all of us who had loving parents were able to get over the blow, especially if our parents were sensitive about it and not caustic (like your ex) or mocking.

Also, I suggest that your last q: "What's there to live for when you don't believe in all the things that make a moment special?" Needs to be readjusted. I mean, you hear it all the time: Santa is not the be all and end all of Christmas. It's about family, love, religious faith, seeing light return to the world after a dark period, knowing that the worst is over. There are so many things that make every moment special, and the more your child knows about those things, and values those things over something make-believe and materialistic, the better off he'll be.

Best of luck!

LW#2: Everyone chips in $75 to buy the boss a present? What? Isn't he the one making the bank here?

Honey, I feel your pain. This sounds like a crazy situation. I suggest you find someone more experienced who you consider reasonable at the office and say, "Here is my problem: I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't pony up $75 for the boss. I'm not even ponying up $75 for my own mother. I don't want to be looked at poorly for this, but I am, in fact, kinda poor." I mean, first, get your arms around this thing and see if you're not reading overly-dramatic expectations into it. Because Jeebus, there is a recession on and I can't imagine the boss is really such a dingleberry that this is the kind of thing he expects at such a time, especially knowing his own workers' salaries. (OTOH, he has been accepting this, so that puts him in a messed-up light, too.)

Another recommendation I'll make for you is to read Elizabeth Warren's "All Your Worth." It is a book about budgeting that makes it *real* simple. And I'd tell you to start reading Michelle Singletary's comments on the Washington Post website. She is the "Color of Money" columnist, and although her philosophies are occasionally on the religious side, she has good advice in general. Because it sounds like you need some budgeting help in general.

LW#3: Give him a gift card from here out and he can use it to buy gifts for others. He's obviously got some kind of compulsion that you can't help at all. The only thing you can do is quit giving him meaningful gifts, because it turns his rejection of them into a rejection of you. So stop making your gifts to him about you, like the charity donations Prudie talked about.

Also, maybe you could ask him to research the best couples counselor in town, because obviously there is some chip in his brain he is bypassing and he could use someone professional (of his choice) to help him access it.

LW#4: Your mom sure sounds like some shrink. One wonders about the damage she may have inflicted on her non-straight patients. In fact, the whole drama of avoiding any personal questions to you basically undermines all her claims of competency.

But back to you. I think there is nothing wrong with spending the holidays with people who accept and love you for who you are, and I think there is nothing wrong about putting it this way to your family. It sounds like they are not ones for candor, but it is badly, badly needed in this circumstance.

That said, there is no reason to stir up drama about it. In fact, approach it as a logical conclusion of their rejection of you, say that you, too, wish your relationships could be closer, but you just can't get there because they don't want the truth from you, and until they accept who you are, they'll always be at arms length. Keep it brief, then step aside and let THEM make their own choices.

You are in one sucky position, but let's be honest — you didn't ask to be put there, and the people who did can undo it.

Best of luck.