Thursday, February 4, 2010

From My Orbit

You know that if you need original letters, you can read them here.

LW#1: Man, what to do about this one? You have an argument with your wife where you point blank ask her if she's slept with your brother, she says yes, albeit years before you got together, and you think, had you but known, your whole relationship would have never happened. Oh yeah, and you hate your brother for his ability to "manipulate" women into bed and also them for falling for what I presume you think is his line of b.s.

At the same time, you don't want to "negatively impact" your three kids by divorcing the woman you now think is tainted.

To start, I'll say this: Virtually every woman has slept with your brother, or some variation on him. Why do we do this? Because we make mistakes. Why do we make mistakes? Because we're not perfect. Some of us have low self esteem and think if someone wants to boink us, that is great no matter who exactly it is. Some of us don't know the people we boink very well when we boink them, and then further down the road they turn out to be boneheads or worse. Sometimes we are just horny and your brother is available. There are a million reasons why women boink men like your brother, but the underlying reason is that we are not perfect. We are human.

So let's back off the taint thing. She had sex with your brother, but it was way before you got together. She could not have known about you two.

Now, you kind of have this fantasy that had you known, you would have rejected her altogether and your life would be great. You probably got a nice fantasy going on.

But let's get back to reality. You have a disintegrating marriage for many reasons that have nothing to do with your wife's having slept with your brother. You have pegged this as the reason you feel so much contempt for her, but really, you just feel contempt for her. You don't communicate with her. You have these feelings, and she probably feels them too, which is why she threw her fling in your face.

At this point, you two have to decide if you're willing to work on your marriage or not. Either you are or you aren't, and you need to put the kids aside for a second. If you and your wife can't cobble together an awesome relationship, a life of happiness, your sons will feel that every day.

And whether or not you can find yourself willing to do the necessary hard work — with a marital counselor — you will be doing yourself a favor if you can release your wife from your anger over this one incident. Because she was, and is, human. And to forgive, it's divine.

LW#2: I wouldn't call this an actual indiscretion, even. The fact that you quit your job speaks to me of your flair for the dramatic, in spite of your protestations that it was to avoid drama.

And let's say your husband is actually completely serious and some fooling around from years ago would actually make him blow like Krakatoa. Well, carrying around a secret copped feel would sure feel like a big thing. If he's that jealous, this nothing thing takes on an enormous weight of its own.

So here's the thing: Without him being such a jealous person, this thing means nothing. The whole context of his jealousy puts the import on a drunken mistake. It probably even encouraged you, the dramatic drama-avoider, to get a little drama.

Forget the sham talk. Forget it ever happened, and get some positive attention in your marriage. Valentine's Day is coming up. If he won't wine and dine you, get a babysitter and do it to him.

LW#3: Unless the counselor and pills have not been to address his ongoing, relentless negativity and loss, you can't say you didn't do everything.

Obviously, it's not an easy thing to say, "Cheer up or I'll leave you," but it sounds like that is what you are about to say. And if you are there, then you are there. And if you are a decent, ethical, loving human, then you awful about it, and probably don't want to be there. But it seems you are.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.

LW#4: He should speak up. This is completely wrong.

If the boss gets fired, that should be okay. He has a lot of people who owe him a favor. And if he can't find help now, he has earned some reward. It may just be in heaven, is all.


  1. Good advice Spacey!
    I too felth that LW1's marriage was already in trouble..

    As for the caregiver, I suspect it's not just that her husband is negative, it's that many time a stroke makes you say hurtful things and even though you might be aware that it's not really him (or her in different situations) it still hurts...

  2. When you said "get a babysitter and do it to him" I thought that was the best advice for a great Valentine's day I've ever heard of!!

    Spacey? More like SPICEY!! ;)

  3. Yo, I'll tell ya what I want, what I rilly rilly want! So tell me what you want, what you rilly rilly want! I'll tell you what I want, what I rilly rilly want! So tell me what you want, what you rilly rilly want! I wanna (huh) I wanna (huh) I wanna (huh) I wanna (huh)! I rilly rilly rilly wanna zig-ga-ziggah!

    I'm Cadet Spice, I guess.

  4. Spacey, I know that you don't know me well, and that you may find out later that I'm a bonehead, but, after having read your advice to LW#1, wanna boink? ;-)

    Truth is, I have a feeling that the brother is not a bad guy at all, and probably, actually, a pretty decent guy. And our LW is suffering from all manner of feeling inadequate and jealous of big brother.

    And yea, sounds like LW#2 is in the final stages of becoming the complete and total whipping post for her hubby. :-( Classic signs of victim there.

    Great stuff, as always, Spacey!

  5. Seriously, Smag, if the brother has the balls to ask, he's ahead of the game. Particularly in the particular Pacific Northwest region of space I inhabit. Just staking out a position of "I would like to bone" gets results, because so many guys are afraid to do just that.

    As for #2, I can't decide if her marriage is truly controlling or if she's thinking of calling a possible bluff. You know, for kicks and giggles. I should have brought up the concept of Thanatos, or Sartre's take in Nausea, but those concepts seem a little heady for her situation.