Saturday, February 20, 2010

From My LOLcats -- extra big edition

Note frum Proody -- I haf been gone too long. Mai gift to u, dubble LOLcats! U mai worship me nao!

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!

Normal and laikin it

Dir Normal,

Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.


Dir Proody,

Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?

I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward

Dir Awkward,

Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao  u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.


Dir Proody,

Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?

Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid

Dir Paranoid,

Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!

Dir Proody,

I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?

Purina, u got it in ur teeth

Dir Purina,

U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.


Dir Proody,

I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?

No Viagra Necessary

Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),

When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.


Dir Proody,

I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?


Dir Cupidiot,

U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.


Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?


Dir Smarticat,

Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?


Dir Catbot,

If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!


Thursday, February 11, 2010

From My Orbit

As per usual, read the letters here.

LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.

I'll give you a one word answer: No.

This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.

But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.

Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?

Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.

And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.

LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.

So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.

LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.

Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?

Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.

But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.

LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?

How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.

But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.

Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")

Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.

BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

From My Orbit

You know that if you need original letters, you can read them here.

LW#1: Man, what to do about this one? You have an argument with your wife where you point blank ask her if she's slept with your brother, she says yes, albeit years before you got together, and you think, had you but known, your whole relationship would have never happened. Oh yeah, and you hate your brother for his ability to "manipulate" women into bed and also them for falling for what I presume you think is his line of b.s.

At the same time, you don't want to "negatively impact" your three kids by divorcing the woman you now think is tainted.

To start, I'll say this: Virtually every woman has slept with your brother, or some variation on him. Why do we do this? Because we make mistakes. Why do we make mistakes? Because we're not perfect. Some of us have low self esteem and think if someone wants to boink us, that is great no matter who exactly it is. Some of us don't know the people we boink very well when we boink them, and then further down the road they turn out to be boneheads or worse. Sometimes we are just horny and your brother is available. There are a million reasons why women boink men like your brother, but the underlying reason is that we are not perfect. We are human.

So let's back off the taint thing. She had sex with your brother, but it was way before you got together. She could not have known about you two.

Now, you kind of have this fantasy that had you known, you would have rejected her altogether and your life would be great. You probably got a nice fantasy going on.

But let's get back to reality. You have a disintegrating marriage for many reasons that have nothing to do with your wife's having slept with your brother. You have pegged this as the reason you feel so much contempt for her, but really, you just feel contempt for her. You don't communicate with her. You have these feelings, and she probably feels them too, which is why she threw her fling in your face.

At this point, you two have to decide if you're willing to work on your marriage or not. Either you are or you aren't, and you need to put the kids aside for a second. If you and your wife can't cobble together an awesome relationship, a life of happiness, your sons will feel that every day.

And whether or not you can find yourself willing to do the necessary hard work — with a marital counselor — you will be doing yourself a favor if you can release your wife from your anger over this one incident. Because she was, and is, human. And to forgive, it's divine.

LW#2: I wouldn't call this an actual indiscretion, even. The fact that you quit your job speaks to me of your flair for the dramatic, in spite of your protestations that it was to avoid drama.

And let's say your husband is actually completely serious and some fooling around from years ago would actually make him blow like Krakatoa. Well, carrying around a secret copped feel would sure feel like a big thing. If he's that jealous, this nothing thing takes on an enormous weight of its own.

So here's the thing: Without him being such a jealous person, this thing means nothing. The whole context of his jealousy puts the import on a drunken mistake. It probably even encouraged you, the dramatic drama-avoider, to get a little drama.

Forget the sham talk. Forget it ever happened, and get some positive attention in your marriage. Valentine's Day is coming up. If he won't wine and dine you, get a babysitter and do it to him.

LW#3: Unless the counselor and pills have not been to address his ongoing, relentless negativity and loss, you can't say you didn't do everything.

Obviously, it's not an easy thing to say, "Cheer up or I'll leave you," but it sounds like that is what you are about to say. And if you are there, then you are there. And if you are a decent, ethical, loving human, then you awful about it, and probably don't want to be there. But it seems you are.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.

LW#4: He should speak up. This is completely wrong.

If the boss gets fired, that should be okay. He has a lot of people who owe him a favor. And if he can't find help now, he has earned some reward. It may just be in heaven, is all.