Friday, October 23, 2009

Ice cream-crazed office drone needs help!

Since I don't have the adult-content warning, I'm going to have to censor this letter. You wouldn't believe the power-trip I'm on about it, either! ;)

Dear Spacey,

Lately when I'm at work, and not daily, so I can't just pack something with my lunch, I get a strong urge to (have an ice cream cone). I mean REALLY strong. Like, if it weren't for having a smidgen of self-control I would have propositioned my smelly boss, strong. I have no attraction to him at all, but the urge is so strong and his is a somewhat available (ice cream cone), what with being unmarried, so that's why I put him forward as the "I would have propositioned him" person.

There is one guy at the office who doesn't technically work for my company who I wouldn't mind at all propositioning, except I'm pretty sure that there's no interest there on his part, and I wouldn't want the workplace to become awkward. And to be frank, I'm not a fan of dipping my pen in the company ink in the first place.
So the question, do you have any suggestions of items I could keep at my desk to assuage my oral cravings that would also be discreet enough to be UTILIZED at work? I am losing productivity to these urges, and that isn't good.
Any advice you can give would be appreciated!


Loves a good (lick of an ice cream cone

Dear (ice cream) lover,

You raise an interesting philosophical question: Are the smelly people among us actually interested in other people, or do we just assume they might be because our regard for them is so low we can't imagine they'd turn us down. Do you notice your non-colleague's lack of interest because he smells like Unicorn sweat and huckleberries with an undertone of manful musk? Or do you not notice your boss's potential lack of interest because he spreads the Funyuns and Foot funk?

If I were you I would abandon any thought of pursuing the boss, both because it's not worth it to your career and your self-esteem and because, if he's really smelly, that pretty much means he deserves to have (ice cream cone eating) favors withheld until he learns to spend 20 minutes away from the Lord of the Rings fanboards (which is where he's leaving his ice cream, probably hoping for this Hobbit prequel or whatever) in the bathroom acquainting his smelly bits with a bar of soap.

Anyway, that's advice for him. Now for you: Get out of the office. Get some hobbies. Pronto. You need to meet a new pool of dudes whose ice cream would be new to you, and who could share their ice cream without it causing office drama. I believe this week or last was national volunteering week or something. Surely there are a few pamphlets about volunteering left around the office, or old newspapers with press releases about how you can Make A Difference. You may as well use your craving for "ice cream" for good.

Tip: Find out what volunteer organizations have a lot of high school seniors come to them to fill community service requirements. Put on your best leopard print blouse and use the word "cougar" a lot. Or be honorable and ingratiate yourself to the little old ladies who populate every volunteer-run non-profit. They have a burning desire to see people married and will do almost anything to make sure you get hooked up with someone, and then you will have an outlet for your needs on the regular.

Oh, and while you're at work, bring popsicles or gum or Barbies (chew on her delicious, delicious feet once and I dare you not to chew on them again).

Also, keep your own hygiene sparkling and pristine and you will reap the rewards!

Good luck!

Space Cadet


  1. Excellent stuff, Spacey, but I believe that the LW doesn't understand the underlying issue. Oral cravings can be satisfied by just about anything. Pencils, erasers, or, hell, even Barbie feet, apparently! But, I don't think our LW has an oral craving so much as he/she has an (ice cream cone) craving, specifically. A bad one. And what that really is is human contact. We can all (lick our own ice cream, so to speak), and that's certainly fine for now and then. But human contact of the kind that is generally associated with (licking ice cream) can't be had alone. And we humans, most of us, *need* that. So yes, your advice to find new a new man pool is good stuff. But the LW would be wise to understand the "Why" of his/her cravings, along with the how. IMHO.

    Good stuff as always, though!

  2. Interestingly enough, I heard back from the LW and it turns out it is a time-specific craving, not a generalized one.

    My new advice: Go on vacation where it's eight hours ahead for a couple of weeks, then come back and see if you can't keep the (ice cream) cravings pushed back to a more appropriate time while readjusting the rest of your body clock to normal.

    It's practically science, right?

    But my advice about providing ice-cream-licking favors to the unhygienic stands. Not until after a long, soapy shower. Can't just throw positive reinforcement out everywhere.