Monday, October 19, 2009

From My LOLcats

Dir Proody,

A seekret luvver, I had one. A professor. Nowun knew our seekret luv, which occured in classrooms, broom closets, sleazy motel rooms and behynd dumpsters. All my frends kno is I had a "romantic attachment." They not kno it a deeldoh 4 pegging him all nyte long in backseat of his '82 Volvo while I spank heem wif the leather-elbowed sleeves of his corduroy jacket!

Whut I meen to sai by all this is: He wuz kinda mai only luvvah in college. So I can't rilly cop to the experience. In order to protect the guilty, I have been marketing maiself as pretty innosent. So to the surprise of my current boifren, whyle having a purely theorettical talk about wais we mite give each other pleasure, I mention the Christina Ricci. "Whut kind of slutticat r u? Myte u have had *gasp* a luvver in the past?" If I sai it troo, all will be destroyed -- his career, mai fyootcher, everything!

Whut I do nao?

-- Drama in the morning, drama in the evening, drama at suppertime

Dir Drama,

I think u haf to break up wif ur boifren so the next guy won't be so suspishuss of ur wyld and crazy sex lyfe. Are u not bored pretending to be innocent?

Also, wai u can't sai u had a luvver? U kontemplate spending lyfe wif a boifren, whut else u want to hide from heem?

Besides, u out of college, should haf had about three litters by nao if u r not spayed, rite?

Dir Proody,

My kitteh call mai mommicat in law "nana." Mai brother in law haz a kitteh, calls mommicat in law "grandma" and this other, unconnected to me mommicat in law "nana." He sai if mai kitteh call nana nana, hiz kitteh be comfyoozed.

My kwetchin is, do I kill heem for being a pinhed, or this other mommicat in law so there can be only wun nana?

-- Daddicat

Look, if both of them go bye-bye I don't think anywun will feel the pain. Myte be awkward to explain to wyfe, but if u mayk shur she on phone with bruther about this ishue u mai end up having a getaway driver.

Dir Proody,

My boifren iz in a good college. Hiz bruther is looking at good colleges. But his new stepcat is telling hiz daddicat, "Wai we pay so much of ur monee for elaborate edjookayshun when we could spend it on me and mai needs for rhinestone collars, fancy feast and squeaky tois?" Boifren wants me to say something.

Whut I do?

-- Not even reelayted

Dir Reelayted,

Don't tuch this mess with a ten-foot aardvark. Stay sivvil, but it up to ur boifren to talk to daddicat about his inkredibbly plezent new wyfe and hao she will dryve his kidz awai from him and probably drayne his pokkets. Or he could do battle wif her.

Dir Proody,

Long storee short: Wedding.

-- Fleeced

Dir Fleeced,

Get in line. Sine mai petition, "For the abolishment of wedding seramonies and the establishment of mandatory elopings. All partees forbiddun, too."