From My Lolcats

Dir Proody,

I am a kitteh. I luv to talk to mah mommicat! We talks abowt everything! So I wanna get a jackrabbit. No, not as prey, as goodtime jiggly wiggly toy!

I tell mah mommicat dis, ryght? I needz her help in figgerin' out the ins and outs of usin dis thing, ryght?

Kitteh wants to hump, but not a boicat with a prickly pecker

Dir hump,

Teh centers of ur womanly pleshure are not that hard to find. Particularly with a jackrabbit. Mommicat and u may laik to overshare, but mebbeh u need to start keeping some things from her, for both ur saykes.

Dir Proody,

I get married soon and I wantz the kittehs! Mah boifren, he may or may not have nootikuls, he is not so shur. In theory, dis no bother me becuz I want mebbeh adopt kitteh or try a sperm bank (i.e. go to the alley). But in reality, I be telling heem, "U go to doctor! U tell me if u be havin' the nootikuls!" He say I iz crazy! Iz I crazy?

All Ball, all the time

Dir All Ball,

Chill the hell owt. Dis sort of scenario is eggzacktly why we haz the catnip. U want spend life with boifren? Do that.

Dir Proody,

I basically tryed to kill mah daddicat's second wifycat and bebbeh when I wuz a kitteh. I am getting married now and am not a psychokitteh anymore. Hao I get heem to pay fur mah wedding nao? Or just furgive me?

I seen the lyght

Dir Lyght,

U let them stay as far from u as they need to until u are proven to be a gud kitteh and not a bad kitteh. Mebbeh they come see u if u let urself get wrapped in a naice thick towel?

Dir Proody,

I wurk with a man who hayte me. He be leavin' his sox all in the litterbox and maykin' comments. I iz awesum wurker, but mah boss, he no do nothing! Whut I do?

Reddy to pop

Dir Reddy,

U pee on his sox. Spray his desk, too. Mebbeh u come up all silent behind him laik ninja and breathe a little on heem and he turn around and u go, "HISSS" wif all ur teef showing, mayk heem poop his wurkspace.

Or u kill ur boss and get hiz job and then u fire the sox-wearer fur his unspeakabul krime.