I iz in heet! But mai boifren, he no want to mate wif me no moar. He say Ceiling Cat watchin' us, tell him to stop mating wif me. But I WANT.
Whut I do nao?
-- Hot poosy
U fynd a new boifren, wun who not listen to alleged cats in ceiling.
I wurk wif a byooteeful leddicat! She yung and sweet as Fancy Feast. But she snort laik a Pug when she nervuss, which is a lotta teh tyme. Hao I tell her to stop sounding laik dawg?
-- Ticks R Bad
U shaym her. Tell her, "U sound laik Pug! U shut up nao!" She will be too nervuss to ever speek again.
Mai daddicat he so sad! Lose his job becuz his boss eevil! EEVIL! Kreechur sent from Basement Cat fur shure! Daddicat absolootlee, positivelee had to qwit his job. Nao he pore. Pore, pore daddicat, alwais sufferin' frum the eevils of other cats.
So he ritin' a resume nao, an he sai he want me pretend to be hiz old boss. This not sound so good. But I am good kitteh. I do this for heem?
-- Good Kitteh
Okai, furst thing I think is, hao callz u miss not be immeedeeatly notissed as not boss's number when ur voicemail kikz in? Or duz ur daddicat think having Mr. Cat Jr. as a past boss will fly? Whut kynd of dumb sitcom iz this??? R U cat, or r u peepul?
Daddicat shud have Thunderdome-style match wif all other appli-cats fur the job. If he come owt alive and triumfant, he get job.
Hao u think I gots to be Proody?
Mai naybors, they be fighting all the time! Screaming, yowling and crashing of things coming through walls at all hours of teh nite! Also, they haz a kitteh!
If I call coppicats, will the mean tomcat next door hurt us?
-- Scaredy cat
Call teh coppicats. I kno, I kno, we are cat, we fight. But family cats shud get along! (see here, starting on bottom of p 95) Coppicats be coming wif ther spraybottles, mayking heem behave, and that a gud thing.