Monday, November 30, 2009

The short bits

As usual, find your originals here:

I just found out my unemployed fiance has been having gay sex so he's cheating on me: Can you save this? Why would you want to even if you could? Cut your losses and run out of there. Don't forget to make him pay child support when he finally gets a job!

My mom insists all her broke kids do secret Santa: Secretly agree to do what my brother and I do. Everyone participate by putting $20 in an envelope. Everyone participates and gets the $20 they gave away. Mom will balk, but this is the way to out passive aggressive the passive aggressive.

My husband's 12-y-o kid he has never met tried to friend him: 12-y-os aren't allowed to have FB accounts! Report her to the FB cops! But really, contact with the MOTHER about what happened would be the best way to go about this. Your husband needs to have a little talk with her. Not you or the kid, the mother, who will decide what to do.

My aunt never shuts up about her hateful politics and I want her to be civil: Slip her a roofie in her coffee. No? Okay, tell her she can talk about reindeer, toys and dry winter skin this Christmas and that is it, she doesn't get to ruin Christmas. Do this before Christmas. Then when she visits, slip a roofie in her coffee.

My husband has alcohol issues and I need a drink once in a while: Dude needs therapy, both to deal with his alleged fears of your dying in the gutter, yellow kangaroo in hand, and his being a control freak. If he won't go, you go to start.

My sister hates me because I don't want to fly out and stay at a hotel for her kid's first birthday: I can't even fathom such people. Kids that age have no memory for that sort of thing. You're in the right. Apologize, but don't be held hostage by her insanity.

Our parents want to imprint their hoarding disorder on our baby: Tell both that they need to cut back, and that anything you don't like is going to Goodwill anyway. It's your baby, and you'll do what you want. Do it now, while the baby can't see you regift its toys.

My MIL is coming to my son's two-year b-day for him and his pals and it will cramp my style: You're having THREE parties for a 2-y-o? OMG I am SO not understanding that. One for his pals?! To do what? Drool and fall down? How much of this is for the kid? Will you be doing this every year? Your husband needs to tell mom "No." And sister, you don't need to be going to such extremes in partying for this kid in the future unless you want a party animal/brat for a teenager!

We were "mostly careful," but I want her to abort: Dude, if you don't WRAP IT UP each and every time, YOU are the one not being careful enough. This is out of your hands. However, and I'm channelling Bortimus Prime's Machiavellian Advice here, if you become suddenly incredibly non-supportive you may find that the abortion you want will look better and better in her eyes. You, not so much, but you're young and can find some other girl, right?

Locavore hates gift of out-of-season apples: You're within your rights to disdain the carbon footprint, but why not call the company up and just stop the shipments?

My wife nitpicks my childcare skills: Do what Prudie says, and then say, "Plus you're screwing up the kids doing that in front of them, and undermining me, and someday they'll manipulate me to their side and it'll be (# of children plus dad) against one."

My wingnut brother is asking me for state senate campaign money: Do NOT give him money or you will never hear the end of it. Astronaut is the donor in this family, and his phone rings a bajillion times a day from campaigns, PACs and charities. Plus you think he's a freak, so don't!

GWM: You are so right, bucko.

I hate "gifting:" This is the nature of the English language. Roll with it, even though it is clunky and unnecessary.

It's called parenting: Yeah, but his wife is treating him like an incompetant babysitter, so why not take on the language of the miffed?

Got Girlfriend Pregnant defender: I'm also going to add that we can't be sure it was a "whole lotta sex."

1 in 8 ppl on Food Stamps: Damn, that's a lot. If you can afford to bitch about NZ apples, you can afford carbon credit offsets, no?


  1. Sensible advice.

    I find it amusing that people who can't afford birth control or health insurance can just drop in to the nearest free medical clinic and get an abortion.

  2. I got the feeling it wasn't a lack of cents, but rather sense, that caused that particular pregnancy.

    And while it's nice to think that all of the potential Darwin Award winners out there can waltz into a free clinic and get a free/cheapo abortion, that isn't the case. I think while abortion can be a political hot potato, providing easily-accessible abortions to dimwits may actually be a viable political position. Any takers? No? Didn't think so.