I haz a boifren! We date fur sevin hyooman yirs. Last nite, we had teh sex and fell asleep an then I woke up passin' gaz! I wuz fartin laik a PUPPEH it so bad it woke me up! I try to plai it off all normal an all teh next dai. He did too so natchurally I iz suspishuss. It so horribull I DIE INSAYDE! Hao can our luff survive?
Dir Speshul cat,
I haz an advice for u. Butt furst, teh PUNZ! Gassy, fartnocker, stinkbom and whut dat smell? Okay. Nao. Mai advice iz: WTF. U R CAT. U DU WHUT U WANT. Also, bai nao, u shud hev thrown up, had kittehz and licked ur own butt in frunt uv dis tomcat. Get a grip, puritan cat.
Mai fren haz a cancer! It gonna kill hur soon! She tell me after we smoke sum catnip, an nao she don't wanna talk about it no moar. Also, we iz in biznatch together and if she dye, we get in trubble mebbeh. Whut I do nao?
Dir Scaredy Cat,
Dis is a tuff sitchooashun. She iz in denial, u r looking fur akshun to bring about a resolushun. I say, call in a ninja to kill her preemptivly. Then hur death be a shok to all, but she look gud becuz she not pussy-futting around the trooth.
When I wuz kitteh, mai daddicat lose me in custody fite. Yesterday he kum to mai house and say, "SURPRIZE, I IZ UR FATHER!" But then he see mai Burkenstox, mai komposting litterbox, mai organic catnip garden an mai gurlfren an droo teh obveeyuss conclushun: I iz a lesbicat. He HAYTE lesbicats, also black kittehs, but he call them the n-wurd. I droo obveeuss conclushun: He is ickee, wif no diagnosus of mental incapasitee to exkyoose himself. But mai gurlfren, she feel gilt becuz she haz a family that is close and thinks I should also have a family of sum less distance than I am thinking I want, which is six feet of sod, if u kno whut I mean. Whut I do nao?
Dir lesbicat of disurning tayste,
U kno whut to do. Call in teh ninjas. An tell ur gurlfren to get over it. She iz cat! U iz cat! U no mayk nais to animuls that want to control u! That iz whut a stoopid doggeh duz! U fix ur glare on any hint of dissaprooval, an u killz it in spirit or body, whichever u haz energy for at that partikular moment! Plus, she is lesbicat, she kno patriarkee bad, rite? Also teh energeez, she kno negative racist homofobic energeez iz bad, rite? Tell her u don't put up wif hiz shizz just beekuz u kum frum hiz jizz! I cud go on but u get teh gist. 21 hyooman years of her luv is better than 1 afternoon uv hiz approval, blah blah blah.
I went to teh ultimate, most elegant obeedeeance skool in all teh wurld, and nao I screen appli-cats fur it as part of teh extensiff digging into theyr backgrownd to see if they iz sootibull. I interview a lovely young kitteh! And she sai she poor, but I Google-mapped her haouse an did a surch on the awwditor's website (told u it wuz ultimate skool) an it wurth a lot uv teh monies. I rat her owt nao?
Dir Mr. Elegenz,
Exkyooze me, ur purshun fur iz getting all up in mai perspektiff. Kwit wif teh humble brag. Nao: Don't wurry, I have it on gud authoritee that ur skool is so selectiff there is NO WAY, indeed, NONE AT ALL, not EVER IN A MILLYUN YIRS, no NUNKA, SHAMAYZE, NINE, NEE-YETSKI that she cud ever fool anywun in the multi-layered admishuns department. ::eyeroll::