Tuesday, January 31, 2012

FMO Shorties


LW#1: It is very common for people who have been raped to try and assert control over the situation by calling it a "one night stand" or even by having sex with their attacker later. It sounds crazy if you're a distinctly black-and-white person, but it's true.

Realistically, this chick is not going to get very far in the criminal justice system even though, if she was drunk, she actually was not able to consent.

Stop blaming her for getting blackout drunk (although it sounds like she needs help) and start being mad that there was a guy who took advantage of her in that state.

LW#2: Children is one of those "deal-breaker" situations. And if you're both totally clear on what you want, then there's not really an option, is there?

FWIW, there's wanting to have kids and there's the reality of having them. Wanting them doesn't always make children happen. Prepare yourself for that possibility, too.

LW#3: "Oh, hai, his sister, who introduced us and died of cancer, was named Mia. You owe her an apology for stealing her name." Yes, let's play "Top That." Or "Highlander." There can be only one.

LW#4: First of all, your brother is awesome.

Second of all, you need to have a sister-to-sister talk with your dumbass sister. Surely she is aware there are aspects of her looks that are beyond her control? And that she would probably not appreciate being judged, mocked or belittled (ugh, sorry) for them? And that anyone who did so was probably immature and stupid? Well, then why does she treat a person who deserves respect like anyone else so badly, especially behind her back?

The thing is, you'd need to be *the one* to have this talk. That is, your sister needs to respect you at least a little, or else mom and dad are the right ones for the talk. Otherwise, a well-placed (as in, right after you hear a smart-mouthed comment) "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Grow the fuck up." might suffice.

LW#5: Both of you are nuts. Get professional help. Five kids and two destroyed marriages is not the answer.


LW#6: Act like it never happened. You got called out, your weaknesses and insecurities laid bare before your ex and his new girl. You gave them a gift, not a humiliation. Tuck that tail.

LW#7: If in your imagination, you see yourself with a bio kid and an adopted kid, I would say see where the bio end takes you first. Not to please your husband, although it will settle him down a bit, but because that's a lot more iffy than the adoption situation. There will always be children, and especially older children, who need adoption. Your ovaries, however, won't always be around.

But if he truly has "no interest" in adoption, you may need to respect what he says. It could be that his heart will open to the idea over time. It could be that it won't.

And again, you're left with finding out if you two are definitely on different life paths, or if there's one you can both comfortably and happily go down together.

LW#8: While I do not mean in any way to give legitimacy to the idea of a choreographed "court" (WTF, srsly?) dance, I also think that you're overanguishing this thing. Just do it and don't stress it.

Honestly, why can't people just have fun at weddings any more?

NAQ: Yeah, the "both are wasted" part is where I kind of wonder where the responsibility lies. But I'm not cool with Prudie's moralizing on how drunk one may get before you can't take responsibility for another's raping you.

LW#9: I think there is a suitably large gap between the plebes and celebrities that you don't need to worry about this dude stealing your girl. However, you just may need to worry about him banging her, since celebrities often display honey badger-like tendencies to take what they want.

But it wasn't nice of her to include someone she knows, however impersonally, and it was immature of both of you to start this "joke."

Oh, who am I kidding. I'd totally do Peter Dinklage if he threw himself at me.

LW#10: Go ahead and tell your friends that you'll need your stuff back. "I douched with Mountain Dew real quick this time," you tell them. "I guess next time we'll have to do it standing up, too." No one will ever ask for your baby stuff again.

LW#11: Sounds like your son is kind of an asshole. I'm sorry about that.

I suppose you can write your DIL a card or something to say how much you like and appreciate her, and while you don't suppose that continuing a relationship will be easy, you are inclined to try if she is.

And please do your best not to alienate your son or his gf so you can have a relationship with the grandkid. That may be able to help you get over your anger at him.

LW#12: You might want to tell them both that while Mia is a great employee when she's there, she needs to be there. It sucks that you have to give her this first lesson, but it will do her a world of good down the road. Hopefully both she and her mother will see it this way, and be glad a trustworthy person was able to convey it. Don't let the potential awkwardness overwhelm you, treat it like you're a mentor and she needs to learn.

NAQ: How do we know they were "both" drunk? So many assumptions.

LW#13: Next time you'll know to call the cops. Don't beat yourself up, it's a shocking and confusing thing to see, and there's no way you could have made the situation better by planting yourself in it.

LW#14: You may want to privately explain to your coworker that although your dad isn't dead, he may as well be to you, and it's really not anyone's business why. You can say you're sorry your drunk mom yelled at her, but you don't want to tell the office the story of your terrible father.

P.S. it's not that she's mad about being lied to with "critical information," it's that she wants some dirt and to be one up over you. Don't cede that ground.

P.P.S. Prudie's right about a canned response. Get one.

NAQ: "A rape accusation, false or not, can ruin a man's life." You know what can ruin a woman's life? Rape! If you don't want to be accused of rape, be careful about how you are having the sex! Is she wasted? Maybe you can take the gentlemen's way out and just leave your number! Is she asleep? Don't put your penis in her! Is she your hotel maid? Chances are she wants to clean the bathroom and not fuck you! Instead of hoping you have consent, make sure you have enthusiastic, sober consent -- especially the very first time you are boinking!

Imagine the world we'd have if we flipped this rape culture on its head, where women are presumed to be in a constant state of consent until they are fighting their attacker off -- and sometimes even then they are considered to really be consenting! What if we made it so that the default was no, women are not consenting to boink the world until they actually give consent to an individual?

Why do we have to parse where the "no" is? Why not parse where the "yes" is? What if the burden was on the rapist instead of the victim?

If you don't want to be accused of rape -- don't act like a rapist!

1 comment:

  1. True, men who want to keep out of jail would do well to find some place other than bars to pick up willing women. Women also need to make sure they either limit their drinking in public, or recruit a designated driver who is willing to be responsible for telling them, "I don't care how 'into' him you are. You're going home alone tonight." And reciprocate, so the designate driver can get plastered sometimes, too, if they want.