Monday, December 7, 2009

Short bits

As usual, read em here:

I gave him tix and he's taking his brother, not me or the kid: P-dawg, it ain't hockey. It's the nFl. Okay, well, the damage is done. Next time give him something he has to do with you or the kid. Although the b-day thing was kind of harsh, perhaps you should have said, "We'll have such an awesome time for my b-day" for the hint he truly needs.

A parent will not attend: They're both invited, and it is their obligation to quit being so childish and start doing right by their kid. Of course, you can only explain this to a certain degree to them, because either they'll already know and behave appropriately, or they'll never understand why other people come first and they'll continue to be douches. Since we're talking a 15 year plus history of douchiness, let's just imagine that this won't work out and so sonny boy should pick his favorite. Or none.

Vegan: Okay, this is a fake question. Because #1: NOBODY asks the vegan to host a meaty holiday and #2 NOBODY asks an unmarried person to host either. I do not quite know why, but this is the breaks. Just say, "My way or the tur-kay," and they'll find someone to take on the duties. Although I think it'd be neat to experience a vegan holiday or wedding meal, not everyone is as open as I am.

Make Bake Sow or Grow gifts: I can't believe Prudie thinks these are the words being drawn from a hat, not relatives' names. Good morning!!!

I'm working in the break room: Get one of those cardboard things that the talkative kids used to have to have on their desk in class. Remember those? Like a box with one side cut out. Write, "Can't talk, I'm working" on it.

Husband wants to give nephew braces: There are few better things to have than straight teeth, but this should be something his parents deal with. This is what you do when you have a kid.

NFL not NHL: I know, right!

Celiac: Sounds simple, but it leaves Vegan eating a plate of tofurkey and nothing else.

He was married but I broke up with him: Dude, he was so unhappy he was willing to stay that way. What does this "larger estate" have to do with anything? I am confused. Besides, it was a long time ago.

I gave BIL a check: Well, she SHOULD have known as his wife, and he SHOULD have turned you down if he couldn't tell YOUR SISTER about your generosity, not matter what "your reasons" are (compulsive spending/gambling aside). But tell your triflin' family no now. Call them triflin'. You wil feel like Michelle Singletary.

They are so rude they won't eat vegan? Yeah, I know. And yes, I know about tradition. Can we quit worrying about this now? If these people are willing to tear their family apart over veganicity, they'll do it regardless.

Gifting wife demands a (whole) birthday weekend?: Hey, there! If your birthday falls on, say, a Wednesday, do you come home from work then celebrate your b-day and go back to work? OR do you wait until the weekend to do something special? It's not about taking up a whole weekend, duh. It's about planning your night out/hangover responsibly.

Elaborate diplomatic divorce maneuvers: Sheesh, it should be all about the bride. No, really, it SHOULD be after hearing about these demanding divorcees.

No "Bless Yous" here: Bless you does not mean "Jesus Bless You" or "Ganesh Bless You." It is more like, "you poor thing!" So use it freely and easily. I am worried about your exacting standards. Loosen your corset laces.

Mean Girls: Why are you bothering?

No sex, please, I'm chronically ill: This is very confusing to me. You are fine with your life, but are worried that you're upsetting men by rejecting them? Geez, it's none of their beeswax why you wouldn't want to boink them. Prudie, her secret is total lack of desperation, total lack of interest.

PEOPLE GROW UP: I am with you. Preaching to choir.

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