From My LOLcats -- extra big edition

Note frum Proody -- I haf been gone too long. Mai gift to u, dubble LOLcats! U mai worship me nao!


Dir Proody,


Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!


Normal and laikin it

Dir Normal,

Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.

Proody.

Dir Proody,


Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?


I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward

Dir Awkward,

Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao  u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.

Proody

Dir Proody,


Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?


Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid

Dir Paranoid,

Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!

Dir Proody,


I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?


Purina, u got it in ur teeth

Dir Purina,

U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.

-----

Dir Proody,


I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?


No Viagra Necessary

Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),

When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.

Proody

Dir Proody,


I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?


Cupidiot

Dir Cupidiot,

U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.

Proody

Dir Proody,


Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?


Smarticat

Dir Smarticat,

Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.

Dir Proody,


Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?


Catbot

Dir Catbot,

If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!

Proody.