Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bigtime cattin' around

When teh dog is away, teh catz will play!


Dir Proody,

I go on teh internetz, get some roommates. Az we are cat, we iz anti-soshul with each other. BUT nao wun of them got herself nocked up wif a kitteh and iz smoking. She dumcat and also teh kittehdaddeh? Invisibul. I tell her she bad in note under teh door, rite?

Cregslist is for teh berdz

Dir Cregslist,

Uh, no u don't. U say, "If u need moar help wif teh aborshun I push u down stairs, okay? Half pak of smokes a dai is just enuf to get kitteh wif problems, not teh miscarriage u iz needin."

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh is speshul, in a leetle bit speshul Olimpix way. Teh Assburgers, she gots it. In spite of this, she is just like normal gurl wif teh birfday parties and the skool. But she was only kitteh in hur class who not get invite to this wun girl's birfday party. I go kill this rude kitteh and her dipshit parents nao?

Cougar mama

Dir Cougar,

Yes. U mai kill them nao. Why develop coping skillz, that whut I alwais say.

Dir Proody,

I am 30, married and I IZ IN HEAT SO BAD. But onlee for this one tomcat at werk. It okay if I lift my tail and show him my engorgements? PLEEZE HE SO KYUTE I WANNA DO HEEM ON TEH ZEEROCKS AND IN TEH OFFICE SUPPLY CLOSET! Also, wai he not coming on to me wen I am so obviouslee purrfect fur heem?



U r asking mai permission for sumthing? U r cat, do whut u want if uther cat want. If ur husband no like it, he can go find sumone else to make it with, since he probably young and dumb laik u, too.

Dir Proody,

Mai frend do sum bad stuff, she in teh pound nao. Before she put in slammer, she give me two shoogur gliders to look after. And I did, lord hao I did. For a year. Tehn I ated wun. I told her it sick, but getting better. If I keep lying until she come owt, she won't wring my neck and have to go back in?

Shoogur gliders, not sweet akshually

Dir Not Sweet,

You iz dum. Tell her while she iz in teh slammer so the inishul wave of anger passes and u no have to wurry about that. Onlee have to wurry abowt teh building up of rayge over time.

Dir Proody,

I need an opurashun to haz teh secks, but teh dockters and mai mommicat keep saying: "Get a boifren and haf heem poke at u till u both get sick uv it." Hao I supposed to get poked by a tender lover when teh onlee wai peepul mai age get tender lovers iz to have teh hookup secks with them furst? And duh, I have been trying with all these different tomcats to get it going on. Duh.

Very small pussy

Dir Pussy,

I cannot beleeve those peepul r still alive. Wai u not gone all ninja on them? Find real pussy dockter, too! Get whut u know u need and quitcherbitchin to me!

Dir Proody,

Mai daddicat had a stroke and nao cannot do hardly anithing but sit around and wayte to die. Obviusslee, it is hard to make conversatshun with him. Espeshully since he can't rilly talk too gud. I think mai visits are painful enuf for heem wifout talking abowt teh gud old days when we could chill. Whut nao?

Awkward cat

Dir Awkward,

Just becuz he can't talk too gud not mean u can't talk to heem. Tell heem abowt ur life, hao things going fur u, and so on. Keep heem in teh loop. Quit being such a wuss. And don't be a scaredy cat, afrayed of talking abowt teh past. Teh past is a comfort, let it blanket heem.

Dir Proody,

I am fat gay cat attracted to hawt gay cat. In spite of fact that we click reel gud, he can never luv me and I should give it up and sleenk back to teh closet of self-loathing, rite?

Big Gay Cat

Dir Big,

Owt of that fucking closet. Owt of that self-loathing. Owt into teh real world of hurt and fear and ambiguity. Owt into teh real world of excitement, fun and resiprokal affeckshun and unantissipated frizzons. Owt, owt and away from that fucking TeeVee.

Be u. Be gay. Be big, fat, byootiful cat.

And when ur banging that hot gay boicat, take sum fotos and hook a LOLcat advice columnist up, okay?

Dir Proody,

I am in the army. But this is not abowt me. It is abowt this other couple, also military. Mostly "Fluffy," teh wifeycat. She tell mai wifeycat abowt hao simple it iz to be robbing teh store she werks at. Everybody there duz it! Fluffy too! Maybe ... mai wifeycat wuz on a listserv and saw Fluffy selling stuff, frum teh store! We rat her owt, rite?

Since I'm military I must enforce all laws, rite?

Dir military,

I kno teh temptashun to play Team America: Werld Police iz killing u. But think of it this wai, u have an idea of her cat-rackter, that she cannot resist temptashun. So u kno to lock up teh silver bowls when she come to visit. If u want to fuck wif her, call teh owner and tell them they are getting ripped off and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,

Mai grandfather is so sick! Has teh Alzheimers. Grandmothercat sai, "It too bad for all his kittehs in the genetic downstream. No fear fur u or ur daddicat, though! Hee hee hee!" Whut teh fuck, Proody?

Who dat is? Not my grandpacat?

Dir Who dat?

Mebbeh ur grandmothercat just losin it herself. Or mebbeh there is story to tell, of milkman and illissit secks and garbage cans by teh moonlite. Fact is, there is a trooth, but it not owt there. It in ur heart, in ur grandparentcats and unclecats and auntcats hearts. If u can hold to that trooth, u can ask qweschuns. If u lose site of that trooth, u will have problems. Nao mayke ur choice.

Dir Proody,

Mah ex-wifeycat is a psychokitteh and nao she stalking mah new gurlycat. Do I go to all teh naybors teh ex wrote anonymuss letters to and apologize personally or is that crass?

Etticat conchuss

Dir Etticat,

Mebbeh u both tayk owt restraining orders and get conseeled carry permits.

Dir Proody,

Mah sister, she haz a kitteh! But nao she want to leave teh home and go owt to an event. She will stay wif mah uther sister on teh wai. But a kitteh? In teh house? Mah sister need hur byootee sleeps! We wonder, hao u sai, "No way Jose" to sister wifout letting on that we don't want hur kitteh around evah?

No idea abowt kittehs at all

Dir no idea,

Wun friggin' nite, nuckleheds. Besides, are u not nockturnal?

Dir Proody,

I am young and spry, but I werk wif old farts who keep grabbing their guts and patting their bald hedz saying, "This whut happen when u finally get old!" Also mai mom got me mai job.

They all hayte me

Dir Hayte,

Yeah. Probably. Until u buy them alcohol at next office mixer. Trooly, u must buy off their hayte, if not buy their luv.