From My Orbit

Of course, the original letters can be found here.

LW#1: There is seriously a formula to at least one letter each week, and it goes, "S/He's great, BUT." You are apparently that LW, who, after literally years and years of advice columns, has not gotten the message. The message is that the "but" is something you'll either have to learn to tolerate or decide if it is worth breaking up over.

Sometimes these "buts" are things like, "he is getting fat." That sort of "but" reflects on the LW. Others, like, "he plays footsie with his sister," are a little more ambiguous, like, "You see this as a red flag but you're engaged anyway?"

You, however, have written in with one about a guy who violates your boundaries. Daily, even! You tell him you don't like what he's doing, and he tells you obviously you're wrong because you're laughing. Let me walk that back for you: You are pinned under him, he is doing something you don't like but to which you have an involuntary reflex, and he's telling you you must like it. Moreover, he's telling you that once you "master your mind" you "won't panic" when he does it, and he is going to do whatever he goshdarn pleases.

This is not a good dynamic. And written like that, it sounds kind of rapey, doesn't it? At the very least, he's giving you a mind(freak).

Just that what he's doing is a violation. And although you haven't said how long you've been with him, if he refuses to get that what he is doing to YOUR BODY should be at YOUR WHIM then he is either due for a dumping or a serious session of counseling.

What he is doing is flat-out unacceptable. And you need to accept that.

LW#2: Wow, fun birthday celebration. "So those years I was checked out in an alcoholic stupor, what was on your mind then, sweetie?"

Yeah, this is one of those situations where she probably doesn't realize the import of what she's asking. Chalk it up to years of brain cells marinating in Night Train (or whatever her booze of choice was). She probably realizes intellectually that those years were rough, but hey, being kind of insensitive and selfish are personality traits one kind of needs to be a totally checked out mom. (As of now, she sounds like she's still a tiny bit checked out. I mean, seriously.)

For now, you can probably just say, "Mom, that's a lot of history, a lot of pain, and I can't imagine hashing it out with you at all right now, much less at some lunch in a restaurant." I wouldn't get into it or get dramatic with it, I'd just state it as fact and move on. If she feels the need to know more, or let out her feelings, she can do that with her sponsor.

Honestly, you don't owe her anything of the past. She owes you her respect.

Good luck!

LW#3: Once people partner up it is really hard to not invite their partners. And when they have kids, sometimes those kids will come along, too.

No, really.

The only way to have a party without partners is to specifically have a gendered occasion. Seriously. "Girls night y'all!" "Boy's night in hizzouse!" So if you can swing that because you and your friends are one gender, you can do it.

The other possibility is that you make this a non-sit-down affair and use your table as a buffet and everyone hangs out in the kitchen, dining space and living room and meanders. Move the chairs out to the living room, etc. Then it isn't the table that is the problem.

Besides, 10 people for a sit-down dinner is too many.

Also, to address this: "I'd just hate to forgo inviting friends I'd like to see in order to make space for significant others who aren't significant to me."

If these people are significant to you, their partners are now part of their lives and you should make an effort to make them significant to you. If you don't, you will find yourself losing significance to your friends. Just a thought.

LW#4: You did something few people do, and you are handling it in a way fewer still could manage. You are awesome.

But now it's time to listen to your daughter, and let her needs and feelings guide this process. That's what open adoption is all about, right? The affect of family meetings in concept and in reality are two totally different things, so worry less about what will happen if you don't adhere to the concept for its statistical and theorhetical benefits instead of what is happening's effect on your daughter.

Just a reminder

I do free personalized and anonymous advice responses for those in dire straits, up a creek and in a whirlwind of confusion.

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Advice on the fly

Read originals here

Some of this is a little snarky. Can't help myself.

LW whose fiancee wants her own room: Yeah, this wedding thing is her bid for freedom, isn't it? I can't imagine this will work out unless she has an independent life of her own first, so she can appreciate being with you the way all spouses should appreciate their spouses.

LW with an uninvited guest: If this is really a burden for you I kind of feel for your kids. You are cooking/preparing for 8 plus kiddos, somebody can budge up and I doubt you'll run low on nosh.

LW with the fat family: This letter is a total made up joke. Nobody's notorious for going to other people's houses and breaking furniture! All the same, I liked this because it reminded me of the show "Ruby: The First Hundred Pounds" and the "I'm Rick James, bitch!" sketch where Dave Chappelle goes, "I'm GRINDIN' MY FEET IN YO COUCH, EDDIE MURPHY!" (on the ruining furniture tip) and I highly recommend you watch the Ruby show and everyone else watch Dave Chappelle.

LW with nasty bf father texter: When I get dirty texts from unknown numbers (and it happens a lot more than you'd imagine (sike)), I generally text back, "I think you have the wrong number." And the sexting ends. Well, in my case it's mostly, "u want 2 meet up l8r?" and it's clearly intended for someone else. But now you know, I don't see why you wouldn't tell the bf. Because if he decides to dump you over it, he is doing you a favor!

LW with weird biodad: You are a grown-up and he's a freak and no wonder your biomom is not with him. Treat him like radioactive muck — useful for some things, but kind of toxic to be exposed too long to. And DO ask about him to other people.

LW with the shady husband: There is no other reason. Demand to watch him get on FB and let you tool around his profile, etc., with him right there. If he can't be upfront about his online life like that, then it is time to call a private investigator and cadging money out of the joint accounts.

LW who hates "no problem:" Get over it, buddy.

LW who has her own room and so does her husband: Jeebus, I could totally have guessed you were from Seattle. What sort of group living situation forces this sort of future own-room-having? That sounds traumatic!

LW with the immobile MIL: (Let your husband) Tell her the truth. Learn to be an adult who faces challenges and doesn't let them build up. Be amenable to ideas (hers and your own and your husband's) about how to help her with her immobility so she CAN babysit. Perhaps with someone else around?

LW who converted: Don't say anything till you're out of the house, if this is what they're like. Also, don't get caught. Also, if you are, let your parents think it is a phase. Is this satanism perchance you've converted to? I know paganism has a bad rep with certain religious types, but I really hope you're going whole hog in your quest to make your parents angry.

LW with the breast cancer friend: Do it this last time and next time make sure you ask what sort of charges you can expect. You may also want to say that while you have gone pink, bigtime, your friend's energy for the cause is getting in the way of her ability to interact normally and it feels like a shakedown every time you see her. If she is your friend, she needs to know that she's acting outside the bounds of friendship.

LW whose bf has not cut the cords: This is your future, and if you think you can't see it working for you you had best come up with some other plan. Yes, you can talk with him about spending time with you, but he sounds like he's in deep.

LW who has a chubby hubby: I'm sure you're finding out how well shame and disdain work for motivating a person to lose weight with your shrewish comments (ie they don't or the whole of America would be teensy). So cut that out. And ask why his looks are so important to you. And then start communicating with him about committing to a healthy lifestyle and back it up by cooking and taking him out for bike rides and hot yoga classes.

LW with the cheater friend: Well, looky here, you don't want to make assumptions about what was going on in that relationship because 1) it's not yours and 2) it's not so much your beeswax. But 1) no action happens in a relationship vaccuum, this stuff always spirals out and 2) people who are dicks lose friends. Really, what it comes down to is: Do you like him?

LW who thinks "no problem" nazis should just chill: A BIG KISS ON THE CHEEK TO YOU! I like that you overthought this thing and shared.

From My LOLcats

Dir Proody,

My boifrend and I getting married! But he haz an incest with his sister. I think. They talk about teh secks and also play footsy so I think mebbeh they not just be talking about teh secks.

Marriage will mayk it beddur, riyght?


-- No Like 3somes


Dir No,


Well, first u mite haz an incest on ur paws if he is boinking her. Iz he? Becuz we cats are not so suttle in the arts of luv u shud know this. Hopefully they be usin' proteckshun becuz sibling-sibling litters r not so gud! Nao, if ur problem is just that they are rilly close ... as in, he laik to talk to her moar than u ... u are going to hafta decide if that okay or if u hafta be numero uno

Dir Proody,

I haz a picture! It me! From back! All u see iz mah gud bits. It calico laik me, so I am shure peepul will visit, see it and say, "That u? Woo woo woo!" Then I haz to explain! And whut if mah boifrend see it? It painted by old boifrend! Who saw me newd all the tyme! New boifrend will know! Whut I do?


- Pussy in the picture iz me


Dir Pussy in the picture,

Eat lots of catfud. Get verry wyde. Hang up picture. No one think that u nao. Hyde seekret at all cost, obviyusslee.

Or do whut I would — OWN THAT SHIZZ

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh! She little. She great. But she haz a kweshchun! About her daddicat! Who is a tomcat and duzzint want to see her, only sends munny (so killing him only dry up the source). I so suprized she be asking about her daddicat I say he dead! Help me recuvver this fumble.

-- Never thought she'd ask

Dir Never,

In ainchent tail, a frog ferries a scorpion across a swollen river. Once across the river, the scorpion, he sting the frog, who with his dying breth ask, "Why?" Scorpion say, "I'm a scorpion, bitch! That is why!"

My point is that some beehayvyoors are prediktable. More preediktable than a scorpion stinging. Laik asking about daddicats.

Tell her the truth. Duh. She cat. She can take it. Onlee thing cats not take is lies.

Dir Proody,

My mother in law is old, so I take her to store! But she eat little byte of cat chow here, little nibble cat chow there. I say, "Leddicat! That is steeling!" But she look laik cat hoo ate a canary. And she no care and tell me to put a sok in it. Whut I do nao?

-- Bad cats bad cats, whatcha gonna doo?


Dir Bad cat,

Mmmm. Canarees. Deelishuss.

Let kops catch her, tayk her to back room and taze her. That will show her old sorry theivin cat ass. Justiss is krewl sometymes. But if she die whyle they taze her, u go to court, get big settlement! Justiss, it is also kind!

Ice cream-crazed office drone needs help!

Since I don't have the adult-content warning, I'm going to have to censor this letter. You wouldn't believe the power-trip I'm on about it, either! ;)

Dear Spacey,


Lately when I'm at work, and not daily, so I can't just pack something with my lunch, I get a strong urge to (have an ice cream cone). I mean REALLY strong. Like, if it weren't for having a smidgen of self-control I would have propositioned my smelly boss, strong. I have no attraction to him at all, but the urge is so strong and his is a somewhat available (ice cream cone), what with being unmarried, so that's why I put him forward as the "I would have propositioned him" person.


There is one guy at the office who doesn't technically work for my company who I wouldn't mind at all propositioning, except I'm pretty sure that there's no interest there on his part, and I wouldn't want the workplace to become awkward. And to be frank, I'm not a fan of dipping my pen in the company ink in the first place.
So the question, do you have any suggestions of items I could keep at my desk to assuage my oral cravings that would also be discreet enough to be UTILIZED at work? I am losing productivity to these urges, and that isn't good.
Any advice you can give would be appreciated!


Signed,


Loves a good (lick of an ice cream cone

Dear (ice cream) lover,

You raise an interesting philosophical question: Are the smelly people among us actually interested in other people, or do we just assume they might be because our regard for them is so low we can't imagine they'd turn us down. Do you notice your non-colleague's lack of interest because he smells like Unicorn sweat and huckleberries with an undertone of manful musk? Or do you not notice your boss's potential lack of interest because he spreads the Funyuns and Foot funk?

If I were you I would abandon any thought of pursuing the boss, both because it's not worth it to your career and your self-esteem and because, if he's really smelly, that pretty much means he deserves to have (ice cream cone eating) favors withheld until he learns to spend 20 minutes away from the Lord of the Rings fanboards (which is where he's leaving his ice cream, probably hoping for this Hobbit prequel or whatever) in the bathroom acquainting his smelly bits with a bar of soap.

Anyway, that's advice for him. Now for you: Get out of the office. Get some hobbies. Pronto. You need to meet a new pool of dudes whose ice cream would be new to you, and who could share their ice cream without it causing office drama. I believe this week or last was national volunteering week or something. Surely there are a few pamphlets about volunteering left around the office, or old newspapers with press releases about how you can Make A Difference. You may as well use your craving for "ice cream" for good.

Tip: Find out what volunteer organizations have a lot of high school seniors come to them to fill community service requirements. Put on your best leopard print blouse and use the word "cougar" a lot. Or be honorable and ingratiate yourself to the little old ladies who populate every volunteer-run non-profit. They have a burning desire to see people married and will do almost anything to make sure you get hooked up with someone, and then you will have an outlet for your needs on the regular.

Oh, and while you're at work, bring popsicles or gum or Barbies (chew on her delicious, delicious feet once and I dare you not to chew on them again).

Also, keep your own hygiene sparkling and pristine and you will reap the rewards!

Good luck!

Space Cadet

From My Orbit

As per usual, see original letters <a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2233031/">here.</a>

LW#1: Can you count the red flags with me? "Several times, he's called me by her name." What is the context? In the sack? When he's annoyed with you? Context determines whether this is a red flag or just the fact that you're getting so close to him he confuses you with family at family-style moments (i.e. like how my parents called the dog by my name and my brother's name, or called us by the dog's name on occasions where one of us was being exasperating).

"At the last family dinner, he was playing footsies with her under the table." Okay, I'm going to count this as a red flag. By the time you are old enough to get married, you should cease with the clowning, especially "Deliverance"-style clowning, at the table.

"If I were to bring this up, he'd be upset" Now THIS is a red flag. Actually, this is basically the only red flag, when it comes down to it.

All the creepy footsie and inter-personal knowledge they have of each other are boundaries they have set and are comfortable with (and what exactly is wrong with being married to one's first and only significant other? While it wouldn't have worked for me, it does work for others). What is weird is that apparently he can't talk about this with you.

Why? I assume you're a little judgey when you try to broach the issue. You want to know if he's "normal." But his "sensitivity" is another red flag. Yes, this is uncomfortable ground, but you two are getting married, and a host of uncomfortable realities await you in marriage-land. You think this talk is uncomfortable? What about you living with your uncertainty for the rest of your marriage? What about him resenting your feelings toward his sister? If you really love and trust each other enough to spend the rest of your lives together, this is something you should be able to be honest about with each other.

But what I want to know is why the two of you are getting married if you, for your part, are wondering if there's something incestuous about his relationship and he, for his part, thinks you hate the sister he is so fond of. This seems like a very intimate and negative dynamic to be merging a family with.

If what you're really worried about is that he is closer to her, more able to freely talk with her. than you, then that may be its own problem.

Before you get married, make sure you're on the same page about who comes first to him. It should be you.

LW#2: I guess Prudie has no idea what an "open-style" house is, where all the walls are open to eyeballs. Sheesh.

I am guessing that there is a high enough level of detail to make you a little antsy about "just anyone" seeing this picture. So don't display it. Wait until you live somewhere else, or you don't care anymore. Or just until you can learn to lie about it.

If the picture is really hot, though, there will be a day where you'll be telling people, "That was me many years ago." Seriously. Take the Golden Girls route then.

I don't really understand what you're asking for. Do you want to be told not to be such a prude or that you should go ahead and lie about this painting? Do whatever you want, this is your life.

LW#3: Well, there are developmentally appropriate ways of dealing with this (that do not include lying to your kid) and I'd suggest you'd get in contact with the kinds of resources that will help you learn what they are so you can get out ahead of this situation you've created.

I would suggest talking with a therapist who is used to this sort of thing or heading to the library/book store pronto, too.

Another thing: You knew this day would come. You know there are other questions that will arise in the future. They all have answers that are painful, awful, sad and you have NO idea how, exactly, they will affect your girl. But here's the thing: You have the advantage of foresight. You can start making a plan about how you want to talk to your daughter about this. You can start practicing now, before she puts your back against the wall someday and you say some other untruth (or just plain stupid thing).

I can't help you with what you've already done (though Prudie's advice is sound enough), but I do know that kids not only like the truth, they NEED it, especially from people they trust. They also don't handle things the way you might think they would. The mind of a little kid is a really different place, and we adults tend to forget that. Always be truthful to her. Always, always be willing to answer any questions she has.

Good luck!

LW#4: If this is a new thing, it could be impending dementia. That is something to be paranoid about.

In the meantime, if you REALLY want to be scrupulous, get whatever she gets (candies, grapes) put them in separate bags and pay for it at the register and then say, "We won't be needing these, this is me paying for what my mother ate." That should embarrass both of you pretty bad.

Also, any security guard that will bust an 80-y-o woman would probably not actually arrest her, but give her a shakedown in the back room she'll remember for a while. I suspect she'd be given a pass, though.

You could also tell her that what she does embarrasses you and makes you think she needs to be put in a home.

No, seriously, I wouldn't worry about what your mother is doing. It's freaky, sure, but it's probably easier to freak out about what is probably a symptom instead of the core problem, which is probably neurological and not moral.

But I suppose the kindest advice is to tell you to a) take her to a doctor and b) if she's just becoming a little sneak thief in old age, tell her what my mother told me when I, at a very young age, contemplated eating a Brach's caramel: "How much money is your integrity worth? Five cents?" (Little did she know she was setting me up to do an integrity cost benefit comparison in the future because I was a bit literal-minded, but really, is your integrity worth the price of grapes and candy?)

This is just a reminder, the alien gives it away for free. What? Advice, silly!

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