From My Orbit

As per usual, original letters are here.

Hey there gorgeous people.

I have been a bad alien. I have neglected you. It hasn't just been this week, but several where I have been late.

Out here, in space, I have had some new work assignments. They are permanent. And while I am so far liking to loving them, they are keeping me way busy. It is a terrible thing, but it is Friday evening your time and I have just now begun to read the Proodster.

I hate to tell you that this may be a new reality we may have to adjust to, but ... there is no way with this new work situation that I'm going to be able to sneakily do an FMO, much less sign into my top secret blogger account. And it looks like I will have to take a more ringside

I hope that you can be strong. For me. >8-)

On to the letters!

LW#1: Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.

I think you handled this as well as could be expected. I am very skeptical of the idea that nervous boys, about to be called out on their not knowing something, reach to make sure their balls are still attached to their bodies. I mean, I suppose this is possible, but I am really hoping Prudie's daughter's male classmates are actually getting some of this taunting she is talking about, because I don't remember boys adjusting themselves in class when I was little.

Insert "parents today/kids today" rant.

Frankly, if you are calling them out on being nasty, that is obviously something they need to hear. Don't bother getting some older dude to "rap with them." Just short and sweet say, "Dude, your hands were around your sweaty twigs and berries! Get away from my computer until you have Purelled yourself into next Wednesday!" then move on. That should suffice.

And, for the record, why are teenage boys so gross? It seems such a shame considering how horny they are, too.

LW#2: Are Prudie and I catching up at the very same time on "The Sopranos" season three? The most interesting effect about watching that show is I curse like a f*cking mobster for about three hours after I watch it. And I start thinking about how nice some gabbagool would taste.

Anyway, "My dad was this totally awesome guy who never made any rules or set any boundaries because he was passed out on the couch pretty much all the time" is not going to cut it. It's not only going to upset your mother, it's pretty much calculated to upset everyone.

Now, I am going to step back a moment and say that I think it's very interesting that you have created such a passive image of your father. You're acting like he's already dead! You even talk about him in the past tense! I mean, passing out may be all he did when you were a kid, but dysfunctional alcoholics rarely are so completely disengaged from their family. Usually they're manipulative, especially to their enablers. Like your mother, who clearly was one.

That is to say: There is a world of crap beneath what you have said. And I think your throwing up your hands to your mother is a very passive, almost your-father-like way, of dealing with the situation.

Not that it's a bad thing to not want to dig if you're getting along just fine in your life. Sometimes digging can only lead to more trouble. On the other hand, look at "The Sopranos". Tony's therapy illuminates only the fact that he hates his mother, and is so disgusted by her sexuality (which was only apparently aroused by meat his father got through violence) he passes out when he sees meat. The fact that he hates his mom kills him inside. And she hates him back, telling Uncle Junior to put out a hit on him.

Although Tony's therapy never seems to work (I mean, it's sort of the framework around which the show's concept was built), the stories you tell yourself about your father, and the stories you avoid remembering about your father, are significant to you. I think if you go through these stories with clear eyes and a forgiving heart (to yourself at least, to your mother if possible, to your father, who is still alive, if you can bear to), you may make some breakthroughs that will help you, if not your parents.

I'm not saying you have to dredge your memory for something positive about the man, I'm saying that as much as you reject the man, he appears to have an influence on you. I'm not saying that a eulogy is a place to confront this, much less make him out to be some kind of heroic person, but you should start somewhere, and hopefully before your father dies.

Good luck!

LW#3: I think you're going to have to be honest with your friend. It's what friends do. And also, if you know she likes you for you and not your piano money, you know it is real.

LW#4:  I suppose it takes a certain amount of balls to just text someone "u want 2 go out? Got tix 4 Avatar 2nite" instead of calling. So you could look at it that way.

Plus, it's just a date. Let me reiterate. It's JUST. a. Date.

Besides, the asking via text may not be showing a certain lack of confidence. You may have to actually go out to Avatar to see Mr. Textypants in action, showing a pretense of complete lack of awareness of other people as he texts through the movie. Those may not be the balls that you are looking for, but the thing is, you never really know how confident a person is until after a few dates. We're all on our (alleged) best behavior for the first few dates, and we're all kind of nervous.

Besides, imagine a life in which you are tired of not ever being asked out in any way shape or form, you lucky little ducky.

Besides, there is a cute, flirty way you can handle this. Text back, "If u call me to ask I'll say yes."

I find it less offensive to text for a date than to dismiss a semi-flirty text with a huff instead of responding with a semi-flirty text. Unless you know the texter is a ball-adjusting passing out drunk piano teacher or something.

Advice on the fly

Read originals here

Some of this is a little snarky. Can't help myself.

LW whose fiancee wants her own room: Yeah, this wedding thing is her bid for freedom, isn't it? I can't imagine this will work out unless she has an independent life of her own first, so she can appreciate being with you the way all spouses should appreciate their spouses.

LW with an uninvited guest: If this is really a burden for you I kind of feel for your kids. You are cooking/preparing for 8 plus kiddos, somebody can budge up and I doubt you'll run low on nosh.

LW with the fat family: This letter is a total made up joke. Nobody's notorious for going to other people's houses and breaking furniture! All the same, I liked this because it reminded me of the show "Ruby: The First Hundred Pounds" and the "I'm Rick James, bitch!" sketch where Dave Chappelle goes, "I'm GRINDIN' MY FEET IN YO COUCH, EDDIE MURPHY!" (on the ruining furniture tip) and I highly recommend you watch the Ruby show and everyone else watch Dave Chappelle.

LW with nasty bf father texter: When I get dirty texts from unknown numbers (and it happens a lot more than you'd imagine (sike)), I generally text back, "I think you have the wrong number." And the sexting ends. Well, in my case it's mostly, "u want 2 meet up l8r?" and it's clearly intended for someone else. But now you know, I don't see why you wouldn't tell the bf. Because if he decides to dump you over it, he is doing you a favor!

LW with weird biodad: You are a grown-up and he's a freak and no wonder your biomom is not with him. Treat him like radioactive muck — useful for some things, but kind of toxic to be exposed too long to. And DO ask about him to other people.

LW with the shady husband: There is no other reason. Demand to watch him get on FB and let you tool around his profile, etc., with him right there. If he can't be upfront about his online life like that, then it is time to call a private investigator and cadging money out of the joint accounts.

LW who hates "no problem:" Get over it, buddy.

LW who has her own room and so does her husband: Jeebus, I could totally have guessed you were from Seattle. What sort of group living situation forces this sort of future own-room-having? That sounds traumatic!

LW with the immobile MIL: (Let your husband) Tell her the truth. Learn to be an adult who faces challenges and doesn't let them build up. Be amenable to ideas (hers and your own and your husband's) about how to help her with her immobility so she CAN babysit. Perhaps with someone else around?

LW who converted: Don't say anything till you're out of the house, if this is what they're like. Also, don't get caught. Also, if you are, let your parents think it is a phase. Is this satanism perchance you've converted to? I know paganism has a bad rep with certain religious types, but I really hope you're going whole hog in your quest to make your parents angry.

LW with the breast cancer friend: Do it this last time and next time make sure you ask what sort of charges you can expect. You may also want to say that while you have gone pink, bigtime, your friend's energy for the cause is getting in the way of her ability to interact normally and it feels like a shakedown every time you see her. If she is your friend, she needs to know that she's acting outside the bounds of friendship.

LW whose bf has not cut the cords: This is your future, and if you think you can't see it working for you you had best come up with some other plan. Yes, you can talk with him about spending time with you, but he sounds like he's in deep.

LW who has a chubby hubby: I'm sure you're finding out how well shame and disdain work for motivating a person to lose weight with your shrewish comments (ie they don't or the whole of America would be teensy). So cut that out. And ask why his looks are so important to you. And then start communicating with him about committing to a healthy lifestyle and back it up by cooking and taking him out for bike rides and hot yoga classes.

LW with the cheater friend: Well, looky here, you don't want to make assumptions about what was going on in that relationship because 1) it's not yours and 2) it's not so much your beeswax. But 1) no action happens in a relationship vaccuum, this stuff always spirals out and 2) people who are dicks lose friends. Really, what it comes down to is: Do you like him?

LW who thinks "no problem" nazis should just chill: A BIG KISS ON THE CHEEK TO YOU! I like that you overthought this thing and shared.