When teh dog is away, teh catz will play!
AND SO IT BEEGIN!
Dir Proody,
I go on teh internetz, get some roommates. Az we are cat, we iz anti-soshul with each other. BUT nao wun of them got herself nocked up wif a kitteh and iz smoking. She dumcat and also teh kittehdaddeh? Invisibul. I tell her she bad in note under teh door, rite?
Cregslist is for teh berdz
Dir Cregslist,
Uh, no u don't. U say, "If u need moar help wif teh aborshun I push u down stairs, okay? Half pak of smokes a dai is just enuf to get kitteh wif problems, not teh miscarriage u iz needin."
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh is speshul, in a leetle bit speshul Olimpix way. Teh Assburgers, she gots it. In spite of this, she is just like normal gurl wif teh birfday parties and the skool. But she was only kitteh in hur class who not get invite to this wun girl's birfday party. I go kill this rude kitteh and her dipshit parents nao?
Cougar mama
Dir Cougar,
Yes. U mai kill them nao. Why develop coping skillz, that whut I alwais say.
Dir Proody,
I am 30, married and I IZ IN HEAT SO BAD. But onlee for this one tomcat at werk. It okay if I lift my tail and show him my engorgements? PLEEZE HE SO KYUTE I WANNA DO HEEM ON TEH ZEEROCKS AND IN TEH OFFICE SUPPLY CLOSET! Also, wai he not coming on to me wen I am so obviouslee purrfect fur heem?
WANT TO BONE HEEM
Dir BONE,
U r asking mai permission for sumthing? U r cat, do whut u want if uther cat want. If ur husband no like it, he can go find sumone else to make it with, since he probably young and dumb laik u, too.
Dir Proody,
Mai frend do sum bad stuff, she in teh pound nao. Before she put in slammer, she give me two shoogur gliders to look after. And I did, lord hao I did. For a year. Tehn I ated wun. I told her it sick, but getting better. If I keep lying until she come owt, she won't wring my neck and have to go back in?
Shoogur gliders, not sweet akshually
Dir Not Sweet,
You iz dum. Tell her while she iz in teh slammer so the inishul wave of anger passes and u no have to wurry about that. Onlee have to wurry abowt teh building up of rayge over time.
Dir Proody,
I need an opurashun to haz teh secks, but teh dockters and mai mommicat keep saying: "Get a boifren and haf heem poke at u till u both get sick uv it." Hao I supposed to get poked by a tender lover when teh onlee wai peepul mai age get tender lovers iz to have teh hookup secks with them furst? And duh, I have been trying with all these different tomcats to get it going on. Duh.
Very small pussy
Dir Pussy,
I cannot beleeve those peepul r still alive. Wai u not gone all ninja on them? Find real pussy dockter, too! Get whut u know u need and quitcherbitchin to me!
Dir Proody,
Mai daddicat had a stroke and nao cannot do hardly anithing but sit around and wayte to die. Obviusslee, it is hard to make conversatshun with him. Espeshully since he can't rilly talk too gud. I think mai visits are painful enuf for heem wifout talking abowt teh gud old days when we could chill. Whut nao?
Awkward cat
Dir Awkward,
Just becuz he can't talk too gud not mean u can't talk to heem. Tell heem abowt ur life, hao things going fur u, and so on. Keep heem in teh loop. Quit being such a wuss. And don't be a scaredy cat, afrayed of talking abowt teh past. Teh past is a comfort, let it blanket heem.
Dir Proody,
I am fat gay cat attracted to hawt gay cat. In spite of fact that we click reel gud, he can never luv me and I should give it up and sleenk back to teh closet of self-loathing, rite?
Big Gay Cat
Dir Big,
Owt of that fucking closet. Owt of that self-loathing. Owt into teh real world of hurt and fear and ambiguity. Owt into teh real world of excitement, fun and resiprokal affeckshun and unantissipated frizzons. Owt, owt and away from that fucking TeeVee.
Be u. Be gay. Be big, fat, byootiful cat.
And when ur banging that hot gay boicat, take sum fotos and hook a LOLcat advice columnist up, okay?
Dir Proody,
I am in the army. But this is not abowt me. It is abowt this other couple, also military. Mostly "Fluffy," teh wifeycat. She tell mai wifeycat abowt hao simple it iz to be robbing teh store she werks at. Everybody there duz it! Fluffy too! Maybe ... mai wifeycat wuz on a listserv and saw Fluffy selling stuff, frum teh store! We rat her owt, rite?
Since I'm military I must enforce all laws, rite?
Dir military,
I kno teh temptashun to play Team America: Werld Police iz killing u. But think of it this wai, u have an idea of her cat-rackter, that she cannot resist temptashun. So u kno to lock up teh silver bowls when she come to visit. If u want to fuck wif her, call teh owner and tell them they are getting ripped off and watch teh fur fly!
Dir Proody,
Mai grandfather is so sick! Has teh Alzheimers. Grandmothercat sai, "It too bad for all his kittehs in the genetic downstream. No fear fur u or ur daddicat, though! Hee hee hee!" Whut teh fuck, Proody?
Who dat is? Not my grandpacat?
Dir Who dat?
Mebbeh ur grandmothercat just losin it herself. Or mebbeh there is story to tell, of milkman and illissit secks and garbage cans by teh moonlite. Fact is, there is a trooth, but it not owt there. It in ur heart, in ur grandparentcats and unclecats and auntcats hearts. If u can hold to that trooth, u can ask qweschuns. If u lose site of that trooth, u will have problems. Nao mayke ur choice.
Dir Proody,
Mah ex-wifeycat is a psychokitteh and nao she stalking mah new gurlycat. Do I go to all teh naybors teh ex wrote anonymuss letters to and apologize personally or is that crass?
Etticat conchuss
Dir Etticat,
Mebbeh u both tayk owt restraining orders and get conseeled carry permits.
Dir Proody,
Mah sister, she haz a kitteh! But nao she want to leave teh home and go owt to an event. She will stay wif mah uther sister on teh wai. But a kitteh? In teh house? Mah sister need hur byootee sleeps! We wonder, hao u sai, "No way Jose" to sister wifout letting on that we don't want hur kitteh around evah?
No idea abowt kittehs at all
Dir no idea,
Wun friggin' nite, nuckleheds. Besides, are u not nockturnal?
Dir Proody,
I am young and spry, but I werk wif old farts who keep grabbing their guts and patting their bald hedz saying, "This whut happen when u finally get old!" Also mai mom got me mai job.
They all hayte me
Dir Hayte,
Yeah. Probably. Until u buy them alcohol at next office mixer. Trooly, u must buy off their hayte, if not buy their luv.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
From My LOLcats
Dir Proody,
When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?
Scaredy Cat
Dir Scaredy,
Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.
Dir Proody,
OMG MAH KITTEH SAW ME AND HUBBICAT HAVIN TEH SECKS! WHUT I DO NAO? HAO I KEEP MAH BEHBEH OFF TEH SHRINK'S SOFA??!! ALSO WE WERE TOTES GOING AT IT AEROBIKALLY.
ZOMG CAT
Dir ZOMG,
Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.
Dir Proody,
Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?
Replikating a pattern
Dir Pattern,
Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?
Dir Proody,
I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?
Clueless
Dir Clueless,
No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?
When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?
Scaredy Cat
Dir Scaredy,
Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.
Dir Proody,
OMG MAH KITTEH SAW ME AND HUBBICAT HAVIN TEH SECKS! WHUT I DO NAO? HAO I KEEP MAH BEHBEH OFF TEH SHRINK'S SOFA??!! ALSO WE WERE TOTES GOING AT IT AEROBIKALLY.
ZOMG CAT
Dir ZOMG,
Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.
Dir Proody,
Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?
Replikating a pattern
Dir Pattern,
Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?
Dir Proody,
I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?
Clueless
Dir Clueless,
No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
From My LOLcats
From here, of course -- Spacey
Dir Proody,
I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.
I declayr jihad on her?
Dir Jihad,
Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.
R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?
Dir Proody,
I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)
Young and in LUV
Dir Young,
Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.
Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."
That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.
Dir Proody,
I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?
Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike
Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,
If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?
Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.
Dir Proody,
Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?
Movees, I kno them
Dir Movees,
If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.
I alreddy kinda haytes u.
Proody owt.
Dir Proody,
I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.
I declayr jihad on her?
Dir Jihad,
Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.
R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?
Dir Proody,
I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)
Young and in LUV
Dir Young,
Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.
Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."
That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.
Dir Proody,
I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?
Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike
Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,
If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?
Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.
Dir Proody,
Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?
Movees, I kno them
Dir Movees,
If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.
I alreddy kinda haytes u.
Proody owt.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Massive LOLcat Attack threatens to collapse Teh Internetz
Wut I can say? I can haz a meowment to pawntifikate. -- Proody Cat.
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?
I not put loshun on skin!
Dir Loshun,
So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?
Split cat-sonality
Dir Split,
Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?
Dawg owning cat
Dir, um, exkyooz me?
I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.
WTF, Proody
Dir Proody,
Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!
Math pedagogee book writer
Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,
Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?
Cat scratch fever,
Dir Fever,
It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.
Think abowt it,
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?
P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???
I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing
Dir psychokitteh,
If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.
Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.
Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?
Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?
Dir no job,
It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?
Spazzin owt over here
Dir Spaz,
Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?
I not put loshun on skin!
Dir Loshun,
So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?
Split cat-sonality
Dir Split,
Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?
Dawg owning cat
Dir, um, exkyooz me?
I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.
WTF, Proody
Dir Proody,
Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!
Math pedagogee book writer
Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,
Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?
Cat scratch fever,
Dir Fever,
It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.
Think abowt it,
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?
P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???
I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing
Dir psychokitteh,
If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.
Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.
Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?
Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?
Dir no job,
It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?
Spazzin owt over here
Dir Spaz,
Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.
Proody.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
From My LOLcats -- extra big edition
Note frum Proody -- I haf been gone too long. Mai gift to u, dubble LOLcats! U mai worship me nao!
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!
Normal and laikin it
Dir Normal,
Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?
I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward
Dir Awkward,
Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?
Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid
Dir Paranoid,
Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!
Dir Proody,
I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?
Purina, u got it in ur teeth
Dir Purina,
U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.
-----
Dir Proody,
I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?
No Viagra Necessary
Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),
When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?
Cupidiot
Dir Cupidiot,
U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?
Smarticat
Dir Smarticat,
Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.
Dir Proody,
Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?
Catbot
Dir Catbot,
If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!
Normal and laikin it
Dir Normal,
Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?
I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward
Dir Awkward,
Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?
Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid
Dir Paranoid,
Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!
Dir Proody,
I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?
Purina, u got it in ur teeth
Dir Purina,
U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.
-----
Dir Proody,
I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?
No Viagra Necessary
Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),
When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?
Cupidiot
Dir Cupidiot,
U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?
Smarticat
Dir Smarticat,
Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.
Dir Proody,
Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?
Catbot
Dir Catbot,
If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!
Proody.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
From My Orbit
As per usual, read the letters here.
LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.
I'll give you a one word answer: No.
This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.
But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.
Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?
Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.
And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.
LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.
So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.
LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.
Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?
Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.
But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.
LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?
How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.
But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.
Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")
Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.
BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.
LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.
I'll give you a one word answer: No.
This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.
But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.
Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?
Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.
And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.
LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.
So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.
LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.
Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?
Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.
But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.
LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?
How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.
But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.
Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")
Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.
BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
From My Orbit
You know that if you need original letters, you can read them here.
LW#1: Man, what to do about this one? You have an argument with your wife where you point blank ask her if she's slept with your brother, she says yes, albeit years before you got together, and you think, had you but known, your whole relationship would have never happened. Oh yeah, and you hate your brother for his ability to "manipulate" women into bed and also them for falling for what I presume you think is his line of b.s.
At the same time, you don't want to "negatively impact" your three kids by divorcing the woman you now think is tainted.
To start, I'll say this: Virtually every woman has slept with your brother, or some variation on him. Why do we do this? Because we make mistakes. Why do we make mistakes? Because we're not perfect. Some of us have low self esteem and think if someone wants to boink us, that is great no matter who exactly it is. Some of us don't know the people we boink very well when we boink them, and then further down the road they turn out to be boneheads or worse. Sometimes we are just horny and your brother is available. There are a million reasons why women boink men like your brother, but the underlying reason is that we are not perfect. We are human.
So let's back off the taint thing. She had sex with your brother, but it was way before you got together. She could not have known about you two.
Now, you kind of have this fantasy that had you known, you would have rejected her altogether and your life would be great. You probably got a nice fantasy going on.
But let's get back to reality. You have a disintegrating marriage for many reasons that have nothing to do with your wife's having slept with your brother. You have pegged this as the reason you feel so much contempt for her, but really, you just feel contempt for her. You don't communicate with her. You have these feelings, and she probably feels them too, which is why she threw her fling in your face.
At this point, you two have to decide if you're willing to work on your marriage or not. Either you are or you aren't, and you need to put the kids aside for a second. If you and your wife can't cobble together an awesome relationship, a life of happiness, your sons will feel that every day.
And whether or not you can find yourself willing to do the necessary hard work — with a marital counselor — you will be doing yourself a favor if you can release your wife from your anger over this one incident. Because she was, and is, human. And to forgive, it's divine.
LW#2: I wouldn't call this an actual indiscretion, even. The fact that you quit your job speaks to me of your flair for the dramatic, in spite of your protestations that it was to avoid drama.
And let's say your husband is actually completely serious and some fooling around from years ago would actually make him blow like Krakatoa. Well, carrying around a secret copped feel would sure feel like a big thing. If he's that jealous, this nothing thing takes on an enormous weight of its own.
So here's the thing: Without him being such a jealous person, this thing means nothing. The whole context of his jealousy puts the import on a drunken mistake. It probably even encouraged you, the dramatic drama-avoider, to get a little drama.
Forget the sham talk. Forget it ever happened, and get some positive attention in your marriage. Valentine's Day is coming up. If he won't wine and dine you, get a babysitter and do it to him.
LW#3: Unless the counselor and pills have not been to address his ongoing, relentless negativity and loss, you can't say you didn't do everything.
Obviously, it's not an easy thing to say, "Cheer up or I'll leave you," but it sounds like that is what you are about to say. And if you are there, then you are there. And if you are a decent, ethical, loving human, then you awful about it, and probably don't want to be there. But it seems you are.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.
LW#4: He should speak up. This is completely wrong.
If the boss gets fired, that should be okay. He has a lot of people who owe him a favor. And if he can't find help now, he has earned some reward. It may just be in heaven, is all.
LW#1: Man, what to do about this one? You have an argument with your wife where you point blank ask her if she's slept with your brother, she says yes, albeit years before you got together, and you think, had you but known, your whole relationship would have never happened. Oh yeah, and you hate your brother for his ability to "manipulate" women into bed and also them for falling for what I presume you think is his line of b.s.
At the same time, you don't want to "negatively impact" your three kids by divorcing the woman you now think is tainted.
To start, I'll say this: Virtually every woman has slept with your brother, or some variation on him. Why do we do this? Because we make mistakes. Why do we make mistakes? Because we're not perfect. Some of us have low self esteem and think if someone wants to boink us, that is great no matter who exactly it is. Some of us don't know the people we boink very well when we boink them, and then further down the road they turn out to be boneheads or worse. Sometimes we are just horny and your brother is available. There are a million reasons why women boink men like your brother, but the underlying reason is that we are not perfect. We are human.
So let's back off the taint thing. She had sex with your brother, but it was way before you got together. She could not have known about you two.
Now, you kind of have this fantasy that had you known, you would have rejected her altogether and your life would be great. You probably got a nice fantasy going on.
But let's get back to reality. You have a disintegrating marriage for many reasons that have nothing to do with your wife's having slept with your brother. You have pegged this as the reason you feel so much contempt for her, but really, you just feel contempt for her. You don't communicate with her. You have these feelings, and she probably feels them too, which is why she threw her fling in your face.
At this point, you two have to decide if you're willing to work on your marriage or not. Either you are or you aren't, and you need to put the kids aside for a second. If you and your wife can't cobble together an awesome relationship, a life of happiness, your sons will feel that every day.
And whether or not you can find yourself willing to do the necessary hard work — with a marital counselor — you will be doing yourself a favor if you can release your wife from your anger over this one incident. Because she was, and is, human. And to forgive, it's divine.
LW#2: I wouldn't call this an actual indiscretion, even. The fact that you quit your job speaks to me of your flair for the dramatic, in spite of your protestations that it was to avoid drama.
And let's say your husband is actually completely serious and some fooling around from years ago would actually make him blow like Krakatoa. Well, carrying around a secret copped feel would sure feel like a big thing. If he's that jealous, this nothing thing takes on an enormous weight of its own.
So here's the thing: Without him being such a jealous person, this thing means nothing. The whole context of his jealousy puts the import on a drunken mistake. It probably even encouraged you, the dramatic drama-avoider, to get a little drama.
Forget the sham talk. Forget it ever happened, and get some positive attention in your marriage. Valentine's Day is coming up. If he won't wine and dine you, get a babysitter and do it to him.
LW#3: Unless the counselor and pills have not been to address his ongoing, relentless negativity and loss, you can't say you didn't do everything.
Obviously, it's not an easy thing to say, "Cheer up or I'll leave you," but it sounds like that is what you are about to say. And if you are there, then you are there. And if you are a decent, ethical, loving human, then you awful about it, and probably don't want to be there. But it seems you are.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.
LW#4: He should speak up. This is completely wrong.
If the boss gets fired, that should be okay. He has a lot of people who owe him a favor. And if he can't find help now, he has earned some reward. It may just be in heaven, is all.
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