From HERE
LW#1: It is very common for people who have been raped to try and assert control over the situation by calling it a "one night stand" or even by having sex with their attacker later. It sounds crazy if you're a distinctly black-and-white person, but it's true.
Realistically, this chick is not going to get very far in the criminal justice system even though, if she was drunk, she actually was not able to consent.
Stop blaming her for getting blackout drunk (although it sounds like she needs help) and start being mad that there was a guy who took advantage of her in that state.
LW#2: Children is one of those "deal-breaker" situations. And if you're both totally clear on what you want, then there's not really an option, is there?
FWIW, there's wanting to have kids and there's the reality of having them. Wanting them doesn't always make children happen. Prepare yourself for that possibility, too.
LW#3: "Oh, hai, his sister, who introduced us and died of cancer, was named Mia. You owe her an apology for stealing her name." Yes, let's play "Top That." Or "Highlander." There can be only one.
LW#4: First of all, your brother is awesome.
Second of all, you need to have a sister-to-sister talk with your dumbass sister. Surely she is aware there are aspects of her looks that are beyond her control? And that she would probably not appreciate being judged, mocked or belittled (ugh, sorry) for them? And that anyone who did so was probably immature and stupid? Well, then why does she treat a person who deserves respect like anyone else so badly, especially behind her back?
The thing is, you'd need to be *the one* to have this talk. That is, your sister needs to respect you at least a little, or else mom and dad are the right ones for the talk. Otherwise, a well-placed (as in, right after you hear a smart-mouthed comment) "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Grow the fuck up." might suffice.
LW#5: Both of you are nuts. Get professional help. Five kids and two destroyed marriages is not the answer.
NAQ
LW#6: Act like it never happened. You got called out, your weaknesses and insecurities laid bare before your ex and his new girl. You gave them a gift, not a humiliation. Tuck that tail.
LW#7: If in your imagination, you see yourself with a bio kid and an adopted kid, I would say see where the bio end takes you first. Not to please your husband, although it will settle him down a bit, but because that's a lot more iffy than the adoption situation. There will always be children, and especially older children, who need adoption. Your ovaries, however, won't always be around.
But if he truly has "no interest" in adoption, you may need to respect what he says. It could be that his heart will open to the idea over time. It could be that it won't.
And again, you're left with finding out if you two are definitely on different life paths, or if there's one you can both comfortably and happily go down together.
LW#8: While I do not mean in any way to give legitimacy to the idea of a choreographed "court" (WTF, srsly?) dance, I also think that you're overanguishing this thing. Just do it and don't stress it.
Honestly, why can't people just have fun at weddings any more?
NAQ: Yeah, the "both are wasted" part is where I kind of wonder where the responsibility lies. But I'm not cool with Prudie's moralizing on how drunk one may get before you can't take responsibility for another's raping you.
LW#9: I think there is a suitably large gap between the plebes and celebrities that you don't need to worry about this dude stealing your girl. However, you just may need to worry about him banging her, since celebrities often display honey badger-like tendencies to take what they want.
But it wasn't nice of her to include someone she knows, however impersonally, and it was immature of both of you to start this "joke."
Oh, who am I kidding. I'd totally do Peter Dinklage if he threw himself at me.
LW#10: Go ahead and tell your friends that you'll need your stuff back. "I douched with Mountain Dew real quick this time," you tell them. "I guess next time we'll have to do it standing up, too." No one will ever ask for your baby stuff again.
LW#11: Sounds like your son is kind of an asshole. I'm sorry about that.
I suppose you can write your DIL a card or something to say how much you like and appreciate her, and while you don't suppose that continuing a relationship will be easy, you are inclined to try if she is.
And please do your best not to alienate your son or his gf so you can have a relationship with the grandkid. That may be able to help you get over your anger at him.
LW#12: You might want to tell them both that while Mia is a great employee when she's there, she needs to be there. It sucks that you have to give her this first lesson, but it will do her a world of good down the road. Hopefully both she and her mother will see it this way, and be glad a trustworthy person was able to convey it. Don't let the potential awkwardness overwhelm you, treat it like you're a mentor and she needs to learn.
NAQ: How do we know they were "both" drunk? So many assumptions.
LW#13: Next time you'll know to call the cops. Don't beat yourself up, it's a shocking and confusing thing to see, and there's no way you could have made the situation better by planting yourself in it.
LW#14: You may want to privately explain to your coworker that although your dad isn't dead, he may as well be to you, and it's really not anyone's business why. You can say you're sorry your drunk mom yelled at her, but you don't want to tell the office the story of your terrible father.
P.S. it's not that she's mad about being lied to with "critical information," it's that she wants some dirt and to be one up over you. Don't cede that ground.
P.P.S. Prudie's right about a canned response. Get one.
NAQ: "A rape accusation, false or not, can ruin a man's life." You know what can ruin a woman's life? Rape! If you don't want to be accused of rape, be careful about how you are having the sex! Is she wasted? Maybe you can take the gentlemen's way out and just leave your number! Is she asleep? Don't put your penis in her! Is she your hotel maid? Chances are she wants to clean the bathroom and not fuck you! Instead of hoping you have consent, make sure you have enthusiastic, sober consent -- especially the very first time you are boinking!
Imagine the world we'd have if we flipped this rape culture on its head, where women are presumed to be in a constant state of consent until they are fighting their attacker off -- and sometimes even then they are considered to really be consenting! What if we made it so that the default was no, women are not consenting to boink the world until they actually give consent to an individual?
Why do we have to parse where the "no" is? Why not parse where the "yes" is? What if the burden was on the rapist instead of the victim?
If you don't want to be accused of rape -- don't act like a rapist!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
From My Orbit
From HERE
LW#1: Your question: "Can I take a lover as, for the past decade, I have been the caretaker for my husband, who suffered brain damage that has left him a perpetual 11-y-o?" My answer: Yes.
You are doing your duty to him and your children by taking care of him. Even your shrink says you need a break. You need to do your duty for yourself. And it is possible to be a good wife and mother who seeks relief and affection when she can't get it from her husband.
The one caveat I'd throw out there is what happens if you find someone you really click with? And if both of you want to pursue something more? This is obviously a longshot/distant kind of thing, but while you still have the freedom to, chew that over.
LW#2: What. A. Bitch. You act as a surrogate, put on weight, and all the sudden she's telling you what you should or should not eat?
Lord.
It's possible that bitch is just crazy and has some twisted stuff in her head about femininity, fecundity and needing to feel like some sort of winner when nature has shown that she has rocky soil where no seed can find purchase. That is, she feels "less than" you and has to make up for it. But the thing is, this is not what adults do, and is not behavior you should have to put up with.
That said, when the next opportunity arises, you need to have a talk with her alone. (Maybe you can suggest she go swimsuit shopping with you? You know, to give her an obvious opening?) Although maintaining a level, non-angry approach is the way to go, it will be hard, but I think starting with, "When you make comments about my weight, I feel like you're disrespecting me, and you don't appreciate that it was gained by having your child," is a good way to go.
Whatever excuses she makes, or, worse, if she continues to point out flaws, from here on out your tact is, "My body and what I do with it is my business, and if you make cruel remarks about me, you estrange yourself from me. Is that your intention?" If she has any self-awareness, she might realize that this is what she's been doing all along. But let's not give her that benefit of the doubt. She's going to say no. And you're going to say, "Great. Going forward, I expect no more negative commentary about my body."
See, you're allowed to set the boundary for yourself, and you're not allowed to throw her infertility in her face, either ("I worry what you'll tell your daughter about her body" also is uncalled for, though I'm thinking it). That will just estrange you from her.
LW#3: Can't you shift "Rick" into another department? Have a talk with the other staffers (you've vacationed with) one-on-one about handling his more egregious personality issues (as in, ignore gossip and drama)?
LW#4: Geez, you sound like a buzzkill. No hotdogs and hamburgers? For your kid? I mean, this doesn't sound like an allergy issue, just a control issue.
Can't you people take turns for the responsibility of dinner? Can't you go out to eat a couple of nights?
Can't you be an adult about this and not be controlling?
LW#1: Your question: "Can I take a lover as, for the past decade, I have been the caretaker for my husband, who suffered brain damage that has left him a perpetual 11-y-o?" My answer: Yes.
You are doing your duty to him and your children by taking care of him. Even your shrink says you need a break. You need to do your duty for yourself. And it is possible to be a good wife and mother who seeks relief and affection when she can't get it from her husband.
The one caveat I'd throw out there is what happens if you find someone you really click with? And if both of you want to pursue something more? This is obviously a longshot/distant kind of thing, but while you still have the freedom to, chew that over.
LW#2: What. A. Bitch. You act as a surrogate, put on weight, and all the sudden she's telling you what you should or should not eat?
Lord.
It's possible that bitch is just crazy and has some twisted stuff in her head about femininity, fecundity and needing to feel like some sort of winner when nature has shown that she has rocky soil where no seed can find purchase. That is, she feels "less than" you and has to make up for it. But the thing is, this is not what adults do, and is not behavior you should have to put up with.
That said, when the next opportunity arises, you need to have a talk with her alone. (Maybe you can suggest she go swimsuit shopping with you? You know, to give her an obvious opening?) Although maintaining a level, non-angry approach is the way to go, it will be hard, but I think starting with, "When you make comments about my weight, I feel like you're disrespecting me, and you don't appreciate that it was gained by having your child," is a good way to go.
Whatever excuses she makes, or, worse, if she continues to point out flaws, from here on out your tact is, "My body and what I do with it is my business, and if you make cruel remarks about me, you estrange yourself from me. Is that your intention?" If she has any self-awareness, she might realize that this is what she's been doing all along. But let's not give her that benefit of the doubt. She's going to say no. And you're going to say, "Great. Going forward, I expect no more negative commentary about my body."
See, you're allowed to set the boundary for yourself, and you're not allowed to throw her infertility in her face, either ("I worry what you'll tell your daughter about her body" also is uncalled for, though I'm thinking it). That will just estrange you from her.
LW#3: Can't you shift "Rick" into another department? Have a talk with the other staffers (you've vacationed with) one-on-one about handling his more egregious personality issues (as in, ignore gossip and drama)?
LW#4: Geez, you sound like a buzzkill. No hotdogs and hamburgers? For your kid? I mean, this doesn't sound like an allergy issue, just a control issue.
Can't you people take turns for the responsibility of dinner? Can't you go out to eat a couple of nights?
Can't you be an adult about this and not be controlling?
Monday, January 23, 2012
From My Orbit Shawties
Letters are from here.
Divorcing would-be biz partner: I think we can agree that while certain interpersonal traits are desirable in a person-to-person relationship, the same pressures don't exist in a business relationship as a marriage. Though I suppose he could think he's bored and be tantalized away with the come-ons of a sexy younger business (hey, wait, isn't that what you two are proposing to do together?). And a little deception and underhandedness is a bonus in today's market. So what I'm saying is: I think you're overthinking this. But if you find yourself not liking the guy, that might become an issue for your business.
Embezzling Bride: Insert "cost of average wedding is so high" joke here. I think she's not expecting any coworkers to show up at this point, though, to answer your question, so you don't need to worry about etiquette and not showing up. I mean, that's hardly a huge transgression at this point. If she calls (what gall!) to see if you're still on, just say, "You're kidding, right?" or maybe, "No, we don't really feel good about going right now." No justifications, just the facts.
Bulimic Teeth: Get them fixed. People know you've got a messed-up mouth anyway, by your own description, and there is nothing sadder than a 24-y-o who won't smile. I hope you don't have to have dentures (its own nightmare -- implants may be an option, and even though they're probably expensive, you're 24 years old and it's a long-term solution), and if people ask what was up with your old teeth, you can either tell them if you want or tell them it's not their business. Also, any dentist will want to help you get the best smile you can. You've got some self-confidence to shore up, baby girl. Get to it.
Friend married an old guy: LMAO!! Apologize to the friend. But honestly, you marry someone that much older/younger than you you develop a thick skin. I have a relative (my relatively youthful age) who married a guy who remembers WWII, and you think she hasn't heard it all (if anyone is an ass in this Facebook dustup it is the brother who liked your comment -- and you can rest assured by his assaholism that your mistake is hardly the worst she faces)? You're probably okay if you just send a message saying, "OMG, I'm sorry. I hope you two are happy."
Sister schtupping her Prof: The way you're writing this note makes me think you're the wrong person to say something to her. Why are you so het up about her sex life? I know, I hate to see good people schtupping the undeserving too, but seriously. To be honest, all you can do at this point is say, "Muffy, I am upset that you're having sex with a married man who is also your professor for all the reasons you have probably already thought of. You're going to do what you're going to do with your life, so that's the last time I'll say anything." Then for the love of God don't get dragged into her justifying stuff. Just keep saying, "I can't change you, you can't change me, let's just move on." Or you could totally butt out. But I say sisters have the option and obligation, in a close relationship where they want each others' opinions, to say their piece.
Ditched at the altar: Send an email to your manager explaining the situation and asking that people please don't make a big deal out of it because you are NOT in the mood to discuss it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But really, this is a simple question.
Feelings for BIL: Yeah, you are either both flirting with disaster or you're making up some drama in your head. If you love your husband you will put yourself on lockdown around BIL. Don't be alone with him. Don't obsess over the fantasy in your head about him -- just let it go. Let him go. Hold tighter to the one you really love and who is there for you.
Schtupper's sister again: Okay, this is a different context you've provided. Let your sis know that the grapevine is alive, and you're worried about the consequences for all involved, and you're worried about her. Do your best to bite your tongue about her dumb actions and get your concern across -- for her.
Baby daddy?: Oh man, this is the kind of q that got the Men's Rights Assholes out on the Fray board. Female covert inspermination, leading to duped male, the worst male there is to be, and it's all her fault and she needs to pay and he should never ever look at the kid and he shouldn't put one penny towards its growing up and not the other one, either, so she SUFFERS. EVERY DAY I'M SUFFERING. Anyway. Moving on. I would say that you need to quit obsessing because your baby has a father. I'm not sure what being honest with him about your past infidelity and current suspicions would bring to the table besides actual suffering, and not just by you but your children and your husband. Focus on what will make your family happier and healthier, which is letting this drop.
Naked teacher: Okay, wow, this makes that time I saw a teacher in the grocery store mundane. Look, some people your age are assholes, and would like to see a naked, hated teacher just to tell everyone about her saggy old person boobs and cottage cheese ass. But you are a locker room denizen, so you're cool and know that what happens in the locker room stays there. However, there is a difference between saying, "Hey, that was awkward. You know the locker room code?" and "I will get you." So tell your parents about her threatening behavior. And be cool, don't tell people at school what she looks like naked.
Allergic to everything: That sucks. Maybe there is some way to coordinate with hotels ahead of time so they use 7th generation or whatever? At least you can call them and have them note that you'll bring your own sheets if not.
Dog murderers: I feel enough doubt that people are willing to off a dog because it barks incessantly to say act like you know nothing. Really, it's the owner whose offing would accomplish what you need accomplished ...
Or you could just be sensible and do what Prudie says.
Divorcing would-be biz partner: I think we can agree that while certain interpersonal traits are desirable in a person-to-person relationship, the same pressures don't exist in a business relationship as a marriage. Though I suppose he could think he's bored and be tantalized away with the come-ons of a sexy younger business (hey, wait, isn't that what you two are proposing to do together?). And a little deception and underhandedness is a bonus in today's market. So what I'm saying is: I think you're overthinking this. But if you find yourself not liking the guy, that might become an issue for your business.
Embezzling Bride: Insert "cost of average wedding is so high" joke here. I think she's not expecting any coworkers to show up at this point, though, to answer your question, so you don't need to worry about etiquette and not showing up. I mean, that's hardly a huge transgression at this point. If she calls (what gall!) to see if you're still on, just say, "You're kidding, right?" or maybe, "No, we don't really feel good about going right now." No justifications, just the facts.
Bulimic Teeth: Get them fixed. People know you've got a messed-up mouth anyway, by your own description, and there is nothing sadder than a 24-y-o who won't smile. I hope you don't have to have dentures (its own nightmare -- implants may be an option, and even though they're probably expensive, you're 24 years old and it's a long-term solution), and if people ask what was up with your old teeth, you can either tell them if you want or tell them it's not their business. Also, any dentist will want to help you get the best smile you can. You've got some self-confidence to shore up, baby girl. Get to it.
Friend married an old guy: LMAO!! Apologize to the friend. But honestly, you marry someone that much older/younger than you you develop a thick skin. I have a relative (my relatively youthful age) who married a guy who remembers WWII, and you think she hasn't heard it all (if anyone is an ass in this Facebook dustup it is the brother who liked your comment -- and you can rest assured by his assaholism that your mistake is hardly the worst she faces)? You're probably okay if you just send a message saying, "OMG, I'm sorry. I hope you two are happy."
Sister schtupping her Prof: The way you're writing this note makes me think you're the wrong person to say something to her. Why are you so het up about her sex life? I know, I hate to see good people schtupping the undeserving too, but seriously. To be honest, all you can do at this point is say, "Muffy, I am upset that you're having sex with a married man who is also your professor for all the reasons you have probably already thought of. You're going to do what you're going to do with your life, so that's the last time I'll say anything." Then for the love of God don't get dragged into her justifying stuff. Just keep saying, "I can't change you, you can't change me, let's just move on." Or you could totally butt out. But I say sisters have the option and obligation, in a close relationship where they want each others' opinions, to say their piece.
Ditched at the altar: Send an email to your manager explaining the situation and asking that people please don't make a big deal out of it because you are NOT in the mood to discuss it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But really, this is a simple question.
Feelings for BIL: Yeah, you are either both flirting with disaster or you're making up some drama in your head. If you love your husband you will put yourself on lockdown around BIL. Don't be alone with him. Don't obsess over the fantasy in your head about him -- just let it go. Let him go. Hold tighter to the one you really love and who is there for you.
Schtupper's sister again: Okay, this is a different context you've provided. Let your sis know that the grapevine is alive, and you're worried about the consequences for all involved, and you're worried about her. Do your best to bite your tongue about her dumb actions and get your concern across -- for her.
Baby daddy?: Oh man, this is the kind of q that got the Men's Rights Assholes out on the Fray board. Female covert inspermination, leading to duped male, the worst male there is to be, and it's all her fault and she needs to pay and he should never ever look at the kid and he shouldn't put one penny towards its growing up and not the other one, either, so she SUFFERS. EVERY DAY I'M SUFFERING. Anyway. Moving on. I would say that you need to quit obsessing because your baby has a father. I'm not sure what being honest with him about your past infidelity and current suspicions would bring to the table besides actual suffering, and not just by you but your children and your husband. Focus on what will make your family happier and healthier, which is letting this drop.
Naked teacher: Okay, wow, this makes that time I saw a teacher in the grocery store mundane. Look, some people your age are assholes, and would like to see a naked, hated teacher just to tell everyone about her saggy old person boobs and cottage cheese ass. But you are a locker room denizen, so you're cool and know that what happens in the locker room stays there. However, there is a difference between saying, "Hey, that was awkward. You know the locker room code?" and "I will get you." So tell your parents about her threatening behavior. And be cool, don't tell people at school what she looks like naked.
Allergic to everything: That sucks. Maybe there is some way to coordinate with hotels ahead of time so they use 7th generation or whatever? At least you can call them and have them note that you'll bring your own sheets if not.
Dog murderers: I feel enough doubt that people are willing to off a dog because it barks incessantly to say act like you know nothing. Really, it's the owner whose offing would accomplish what you need accomplished ...
Or you could just be sensible and do what Prudie says.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Make out queen, mental in-laws, mustard attack and Miss Jean Brodie
LW#1: You say your gf of six months has made out with three of the groomsmen in her friend's wedding. That begs the question, how many groomsmen are there? Is this a high or low percentage.
Just kidding.
Sounds like your gf is a drama queen. "I'm just trying to prepare you" in this case is "I just want to see how wound up you'll get over this." Apparently it is working well according to plan. Since apparently it has you twisted in knots, she has you where she wants you. Evade her trap not by checking out of the wedding, but by checking out of these games all together.
LW#2: "Squandered millions." I'm imagining having millions to squander. I'm imagining squandering more than $50.
Look, you have the right to say, "No way, you guys are toxic freaks and you're going to have to make do for yourself." Which is kind of mean. Or you could say the pere needs to put his assets in some sort of trust that your husband disburses regular payments to him from before allowing him to move in.
Basically, you have some serious crap here. But don't allow people to bring their crazy into your home: Set limits and boundaries before the first Samsonite appears on your doorstep.
LW#3: How old is your husband? God, they are both idiots. Frank didn't need to punch anyone. Did he expect anyone to know he's allergic to mustard? But mostly you are right, your husband is an immature moron.
I think, as far as your marriage goes, if you're still angry (and lordy do I get that), that's one thing. But if you're harping on him and being blamey, you're not helping yourself.
I kind of get the feeling that you've been thinking your husband is an asshole for a long time and that this prank has disrupted his livelihood, put you at risk (and could have killed Frank), and caused potential litigation has shone a new, vile light on someone you already thought was a nitwit. You are feeling contempt, a marriage-killer. He is feeling defensive, which is not conducive to growth. And to be honest, he needs to take a hard look at himself and change his ways. If he doesn't feel bad, stupid or mean for what he did, that's not good.
What does this mean for your marriage? It's a bad omen. Can an immature man and an angry woman make it? It would take a lot of work on both their parts. Are you up for that or just fed up? That's your call.
LW#4: Document, document, document. Talk with your advisers.
I'm as shocked as you -- who treats fourth graders like this? How mean! -- but the fact is you need to come clean about her behavior to, at the very least, the people in charge of your program.
It sounds kind of Mike McQuary-ish, I know, but are you even expecting her to write you a positive evaluation at all? She seems like she'd be happy to throw you under a bus, considering how much larger the stakes are for you than for the fourth graders.
Good luck!
Just kidding.
Sounds like your gf is a drama queen. "I'm just trying to prepare you" in this case is "I just want to see how wound up you'll get over this." Apparently it is working well according to plan. Since apparently it has you twisted in knots, she has you where she wants you. Evade her trap not by checking out of the wedding, but by checking out of these games all together.
LW#2: "Squandered millions." I'm imagining having millions to squander. I'm imagining squandering more than $50.
Look, you have the right to say, "No way, you guys are toxic freaks and you're going to have to make do for yourself." Which is kind of mean. Or you could say the pere needs to put his assets in some sort of trust that your husband disburses regular payments to him from before allowing him to move in.
Basically, you have some serious crap here. But don't allow people to bring their crazy into your home: Set limits and boundaries before the first Samsonite appears on your doorstep.
LW#3: How old is your husband? God, they are both idiots. Frank didn't need to punch anyone. Did he expect anyone to know he's allergic to mustard? But mostly you are right, your husband is an immature moron.
I think, as far as your marriage goes, if you're still angry (and lordy do I get that), that's one thing. But if you're harping on him and being blamey, you're not helping yourself.
I kind of get the feeling that you've been thinking your husband is an asshole for a long time and that this prank has disrupted his livelihood, put you at risk (and could have killed Frank), and caused potential litigation has shone a new, vile light on someone you already thought was a nitwit. You are feeling contempt, a marriage-killer. He is feeling defensive, which is not conducive to growth. And to be honest, he needs to take a hard look at himself and change his ways. If he doesn't feel bad, stupid or mean for what he did, that's not good.
What does this mean for your marriage? It's a bad omen. Can an immature man and an angry woman make it? It would take a lot of work on both their parts. Are you up for that or just fed up? That's your call.
LW#4: Document, document, document. Talk with your advisers.
I'm as shocked as you -- who treats fourth graders like this? How mean! -- but the fact is you need to come clean about her behavior to, at the very least, the people in charge of your program.
It sounds kind of Mike McQuary-ish, I know, but are you even expecting her to write you a positive evaluation at all? She seems like she'd be happy to throw you under a bus, considering how much larger the stakes are for you than for the fourth graders.
Good luck!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
From My Orbit
LW#1: An island suburb of a major Pacific NW metropolis. Could it be Mercer Island? Fox Island? Or are you stretching with Bainbridge Island (bridge goes the wrong way) or even Whidbey Island? Seriously, what is the point of mentioning islands here?
Okay, this is going to sound very uncool, but you're both "thrilled" about being parents without being similarly thrilled with each other? You two realize that having a kid is a stronger bond than having a marriage, right? I know babies are exciting and all, but they are not things to trifle with! God, I sound so old and conservative. Maybe I'm just old and smart. I seriously don't get single parenthood. It's all the responsibility and half the money (or the same amount, but with all the responsibility of a job and a baby). It seems like THE WORST. (Paired with what I suppose some of you single parents will say is THE BEST: KIDS!!! to which I reply: conditions is what I speak of, not the actual kids.)
As to your question about moving to a non-tropical island: You are under no obligation and indeed, I would consider the people you're going to lean hard on (because you may be taking on more than you can handle), which is apparently not the baby daddy, to be the people you should want to be closest to. Consider his eagerness in a stark light: Lots of people love shiny new objects, but not when they have to deal with their poop or emotional needs.
LW#2: You wash your hands after you urinate because it's a good habit to be in. Or you don't because you want to give the world your own special "eff you." Your call.
LW#3: A good lawyer will tell you the chances of your case paying off. It is an assy thing of them to do, but it is also an assy thing for you to do to not tell them you have some sort of apnea, no matter how mild. You are behind the wheel of a potential death machine. Also, your lawyer friend may want to get it untwisted: This is not a HIPAA violation as your friend snitched, not a nurse or doctor treating you (unless he is treating you). Please, do your due diligence and make sure you're safe to be on the road. Someone's life may depend on it.
Speaking of liability, imagine the case against the company if your sleepy butt hit and hurt/killed someone!
LW#4: Eww. Your BIL sounds totally gross. His family should tell him that he has to fess up before he gets married or one of them will. You, however, stay out of it. He may have extenuating circumstances which you're not privy to, hence your word selection (like "pay off"), but his not telling her is not indicative of good things. You don't get to keep this kind of secret from your intended.
LW#5: You don't need permission to make your own decisions. That's your prerogative.
LW#6: Someone's uncle is all about the drama! The way I see it, he needs to shut it. You get the inheritance, and your brother no longer gets to control what you do with it. How you share it with your sister will make a difference, too. It's not just about fairness, it's about making sure that your brother does not extend the grudge beyond the grave, looping you in as his permanent ally.
Don't tell your sister you're sure he'd have wanted her to have some: He didn't! Own your feelings -- that the grudge isn't worth perpetuating!
LW#7: "I guess you think the manager was difficult because you're a total bitch, Anna." Say she's been outvoted, and she can stay down the street if she wants. If this is going to ruin her vacation, and she's going to ruin yours, reconsider ever traveling with her again.
NAQ: A parenting class will not help LW#1 or her baby daddy.
NAQ: No, you're the dumb one here. Sleep apnea = grogginess, lack of concentration and other terrible side effects. With a C-PAP machine he should be alright. Frankly, it's probably a good investment for his health and work.
NAQ: Yeah, you're right. Where did this joker get his JD?
NAQ: "It's not about you" should be what is framed on bathroom walls.
LW#8: Here's a class action lawsuit in the making. Read up on the Lilly Ledbetter Law. Not today, because there is a blackout of Wikipedia. But your company could be in violation of Federal Law. This is the sort of thing that demands a legal interdiction, not an individual request by a young woman for a raise who is likely to take the "bad economy" excuse. This is not your individual problem, this is against the law.
NAQ: What an asshole. Good on your dad and uncle.
LW#9: Yes, you may not-like anyone sometimes. When you start feeling a great more contempt and not-like than love and compassion, however, get to a shrink. And take the kid.
LW#10: I think you need to be honest with your dad. I'm going to tell you a little secret about men. Sometimes, they have an emotion, and it is so overwhelming to them that they let it run away with them. They get it all up in them that this is the biggest, brightest, most meaningful feeling they've ever had (until they have the next one). Their emotion has so much hold over them, they can't see their actions in anything but a positive light, no matter who is left reeling or hurt.
At this point, I think you need to forgive your grandfather for playing into your dad's big emotion revelation. But you need to be honest with your dad. He was a cad to your mother, who was left reeling, and you felt his wedding was disrespectful to her and, by extension, to you, and it hurt.
But here's the thing: Don't expect him to learn or even feel shame.
I have a friend who was in basically your exact situation. Her father, who had always had an undercurrent of the selfish, let it grow and swallow him whole. He left her mother, who was reeling. He married an annoying woman in a ceremony that can only be described as something out of a ... well, they wore robes and there was a dance before the vows. Not like a ballroom dance.
My friend's father, I would wager, has even fewer redeeming qualities than yours, but she managed to forgive him. She manages to forgive him time and again. And her mother is doing way better now. There were a lot of pieces to pick up, but they got picked up.
You're going to have to let your father live his life, and not let it affect you too much. You're going to have to forgive him his selfishness. You're going to have to let your mother feel her grief for herself. You're going to have to have an honest relationship with him, but not tie your ship to his without fenders.
LW#11: She's abusive and maybe retarded. She's in over her head, and letting the state know is a good thing.
LW#12: Well, anyone of us could get hit by a bus ...
Do what parents do, tell him everything is going to be all right. He'll deal with his fears better when he's older. Just let him know you both love him and you're here and not going anywhere.
Okay, this is going to sound very uncool, but you're both "thrilled" about being parents without being similarly thrilled with each other? You two realize that having a kid is a stronger bond than having a marriage, right? I know babies are exciting and all, but they are not things to trifle with! God, I sound so old and conservative. Maybe I'm just old and smart. I seriously don't get single parenthood. It's all the responsibility and half the money (or the same amount, but with all the responsibility of a job and a baby). It seems like THE WORST. (Paired with what I suppose some of you single parents will say is THE BEST: KIDS!!! to which I reply: conditions is what I speak of, not the actual kids.)
As to your question about moving to a non-tropical island: You are under no obligation and indeed, I would consider the people you're going to lean hard on (because you may be taking on more than you can handle), which is apparently not the baby daddy, to be the people you should want to be closest to. Consider his eagerness in a stark light: Lots of people love shiny new objects, but not when they have to deal with their poop or emotional needs.
LW#2: You wash your hands after you urinate because it's a good habit to be in. Or you don't because you want to give the world your own special "eff you." Your call.
LW#3: A good lawyer will tell you the chances of your case paying off. It is an assy thing of them to do, but it is also an assy thing for you to do to not tell them you have some sort of apnea, no matter how mild. You are behind the wheel of a potential death machine. Also, your lawyer friend may want to get it untwisted: This is not a HIPAA violation as your friend snitched, not a nurse or doctor treating you (unless he is treating you). Please, do your due diligence and make sure you're safe to be on the road. Someone's life may depend on it.
Speaking of liability, imagine the case against the company if your sleepy butt hit and hurt/killed someone!
LW#4: Eww. Your BIL sounds totally gross. His family should tell him that he has to fess up before he gets married or one of them will. You, however, stay out of it. He may have extenuating circumstances which you're not privy to, hence your word selection (like "pay off"), but his not telling her is not indicative of good things. You don't get to keep this kind of secret from your intended.
LW#5: You don't need permission to make your own decisions. That's your prerogative.
LW#6: Someone's uncle is all about the drama! The way I see it, he needs to shut it. You get the inheritance, and your brother no longer gets to control what you do with it. How you share it with your sister will make a difference, too. It's not just about fairness, it's about making sure that your brother does not extend the grudge beyond the grave, looping you in as his permanent ally.
Don't tell your sister you're sure he'd have wanted her to have some: He didn't! Own your feelings -- that the grudge isn't worth perpetuating!
LW#7: "I guess you think the manager was difficult because you're a total bitch, Anna." Say she's been outvoted, and she can stay down the street if she wants. If this is going to ruin her vacation, and she's going to ruin yours, reconsider ever traveling with her again.
NAQ: A parenting class will not help LW#1 or her baby daddy.
NAQ: No, you're the dumb one here. Sleep apnea = grogginess, lack of concentration and other terrible side effects. With a C-PAP machine he should be alright. Frankly, it's probably a good investment for his health and work.
NAQ: Yeah, you're right. Where did this joker get his JD?
NAQ: "It's not about you" should be what is framed on bathroom walls.
LW#8: Here's a class action lawsuit in the making. Read up on the Lilly Ledbetter Law. Not today, because there is a blackout of Wikipedia. But your company could be in violation of Federal Law. This is the sort of thing that demands a legal interdiction, not an individual request by a young woman for a raise who is likely to take the "bad economy" excuse. This is not your individual problem, this is against the law.
NAQ: What an asshole. Good on your dad and uncle.
LW#9: Yes, you may not-like anyone sometimes. When you start feeling a great more contempt and not-like than love and compassion, however, get to a shrink. And take the kid.
LW#10: I think you need to be honest with your dad. I'm going to tell you a little secret about men. Sometimes, they have an emotion, and it is so overwhelming to them that they let it run away with them. They get it all up in them that this is the biggest, brightest, most meaningful feeling they've ever had (until they have the next one). Their emotion has so much hold over them, they can't see their actions in anything but a positive light, no matter who is left reeling or hurt.
At this point, I think you need to forgive your grandfather for playing into your dad's big emotion revelation. But you need to be honest with your dad. He was a cad to your mother, who was left reeling, and you felt his wedding was disrespectful to her and, by extension, to you, and it hurt.
But here's the thing: Don't expect him to learn or even feel shame.
I have a friend who was in basically your exact situation. Her father, who had always had an undercurrent of the selfish, let it grow and swallow him whole. He left her mother, who was reeling. He married an annoying woman in a ceremony that can only be described as something out of a ... well, they wore robes and there was a dance before the vows. Not like a ballroom dance.
My friend's father, I would wager, has even fewer redeeming qualities than yours, but she managed to forgive him. She manages to forgive him time and again. And her mother is doing way better now. There were a lot of pieces to pick up, but they got picked up.
You're going to have to let your father live his life, and not let it affect you too much. You're going to have to forgive him his selfishness. You're going to have to let your mother feel her grief for herself. You're going to have to have an honest relationship with him, but not tie your ship to his without fenders.
LW#11: She's abusive and maybe retarded. She's in over her head, and letting the state know is a good thing.
LW#12: Well, anyone of us could get hit by a bus ...
Do what parents do, tell him everything is going to be all right. He'll deal with his fears better when he's older. Just let him know you both love him and you're here and not going anywhere.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
From My Orbit
LW#1: You know this is a normal fantasy, but you got freaked. Then Prudie started talking about electrodes on Alvin and the Chipmunk's nips. Say wha? I think she's trying to make you feel lucky or something.
Well, you wanted to make his fantasy come true, and it was weird for you. And to be honest, the whole "don't tell mommy" thing would put me off too, because although there is this fantasy sphere, if you're in a serious relationship with him, you are potentially a future "mommy" who is not being "told."And what aren't you being told? That "daddy" is molesting "daughter." Not that he would, but this being his ultimate sexual fantasy plants a seed. Thingies within thingies, people. I mean, why couldn't it be something simple like pirates and wenches? Or even My Little Pony? Those are so far from reality they are non-threatening.
Look, we chicks are highly conditioned to BEWARE, and for good reason. I think you and I both agree that this guy is probably not an actual pedophile. But his fantasy is one step beyond what you can really deal with, and I don't blame you a whit. It is not sexy to feel creeped out while boinking. And while you can ask him if he can put that power dynamic of powerful man/innocent naif to work in another, non-incesty scenario that works for him, if this is his bag, both of you may have a choice to make: Can you live with his scenario of choice? Can he live without it?
Good luck!
LW#2: It may be that your stepdaughter can take RU 486 (the abortion pill) at home, so it's not like she'd have to have a procedure that involved walking in front of her mother.
It is wonderful that your step-daughter trusts you to this degree. And while I understand your concern about your husband's not knowing, think about it this way: Have you ever entrusted some sort of information to one of your parents, begging him or her to not tell the other? Most of us have, at one point or another. And why? Because our problems and our solutions belong to *us,* not to people we don't want to include or who would trample on the decision-making.
In answer to your question: What is best for her is for you to let her make her decisions, and to not judge her, and to not pressure her in any way. What is best for her is for you to put her needs first, and to check your concerns and second thoughts at the door. What is best for her is for you to let her know you are there for her and her choices, and that you're letting her own them. What is best for her is none of her mother's or her father's business, especially as both of them sound like they have too much anger with this particular issue.
That's not to say that you can't tell her some variation of, "We both know your folks are anti-choice, and that this would be a big deal to them. That's why you're here. I feel terrible doing this as if it's behind your father's back, but I'm doing it because this isn't something he has control over. I'm not doing it because I have any control over it. I'm doing it because this is up to you, and I don't want to see anyone get in your way."
LW#3: Thumbsucking is not a good thing for an adult to do, and not just because it creates a bad impression. Her direct supervisor is not doing her any favors, and I don't expect if you tell her, "Hey, when you suck your thumb it creates a bad impression, especially around clients," that she'll up and change. But it doesn't hurt to ask. And if she's really an up and comer she'll try to break that bad habit.
I'm just going to add that Freud has some ideas about arrested development that are probably not all that inapplicable here. I wouldn't really expect a single conversation to "solve" anything. Girl has issues.
LW#4: "Look, lady, I can't be responsible for your forgetting your boots. So no." Say it in a tone of voice that says, seriously, bitch?
Then pre-emptively tell this story to all your book-clubbers, casting her as the crazy person she obviously is. But don't say she's nuts, let the others draw that conclusion. Be subtle, for Pete's sake.
Well, you wanted to make his fantasy come true, and it was weird for you. And to be honest, the whole "don't tell mommy" thing would put me off too, because although there is this fantasy sphere, if you're in a serious relationship with him, you are potentially a future "mommy" who is not being "told."And what aren't you being told? That "daddy" is molesting "daughter." Not that he would, but this being his ultimate sexual fantasy plants a seed. Thingies within thingies, people. I mean, why couldn't it be something simple like pirates and wenches? Or even My Little Pony? Those are so far from reality they are non-threatening.
Look, we chicks are highly conditioned to BEWARE, and for good reason. I think you and I both agree that this guy is probably not an actual pedophile. But his fantasy is one step beyond what you can really deal with, and I don't blame you a whit. It is not sexy to feel creeped out while boinking. And while you can ask him if he can put that power dynamic of powerful man/innocent naif to work in another, non-incesty scenario that works for him, if this is his bag, both of you may have a choice to make: Can you live with his scenario of choice? Can he live without it?
Good luck!
LW#2: It may be that your stepdaughter can take RU 486 (the abortion pill) at home, so it's not like she'd have to have a procedure that involved walking in front of her mother.
It is wonderful that your step-daughter trusts you to this degree. And while I understand your concern about your husband's not knowing, think about it this way: Have you ever entrusted some sort of information to one of your parents, begging him or her to not tell the other? Most of us have, at one point or another. And why? Because our problems and our solutions belong to *us,* not to people we don't want to include or who would trample on the decision-making.
In answer to your question: What is best for her is for you to let her make her decisions, and to not judge her, and to not pressure her in any way. What is best for her is for you to put her needs first, and to check your concerns and second thoughts at the door. What is best for her is for you to let her know you are there for her and her choices, and that you're letting her own them. What is best for her is none of her mother's or her father's business, especially as both of them sound like they have too much anger with this particular issue.
That's not to say that you can't tell her some variation of, "We both know your folks are anti-choice, and that this would be a big deal to them. That's why you're here. I feel terrible doing this as if it's behind your father's back, but I'm doing it because this isn't something he has control over. I'm not doing it because I have any control over it. I'm doing it because this is up to you, and I don't want to see anyone get in your way."
LW#3: Thumbsucking is not a good thing for an adult to do, and not just because it creates a bad impression. Her direct supervisor is not doing her any favors, and I don't expect if you tell her, "Hey, when you suck your thumb it creates a bad impression, especially around clients," that she'll up and change. But it doesn't hurt to ask. And if she's really an up and comer she'll try to break that bad habit.
I'm just going to add that Freud has some ideas about arrested development that are probably not all that inapplicable here. I wouldn't really expect a single conversation to "solve" anything. Girl has issues.
LW#4: "Look, lady, I can't be responsible for your forgetting your boots. So no." Say it in a tone of voice that says, seriously, bitch?
Then pre-emptively tell this story to all your book-clubbers, casting her as the crazy person she obviously is. But don't say she's nuts, let the others draw that conclusion. Be subtle, for Pete's sake.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
From My Lolcats
Dir Proody,
I haz a boifren! We date fur sevin hyooman yirs. Last nite, we had teh sex and fell asleep an then I woke up passin' gaz! I wuz fartin laik a PUPPEH it so bad it woke me up! I try to plai it off all normal an all teh next dai. He did too so natchurally I iz suspishuss. It so horribull I DIE INSAYDE! Hao can our luff survive?
Dir Speshul cat,
I haz an advice for u. Butt furst, teh PUNZ! Gassy, fartnocker, stinkbom and whut dat smell? Okay. Nao. Mai advice iz: WTF. U R CAT. U DU WHUT U WANT. Also, bai nao, u shud hev thrown up, had kittehz and licked ur own butt in frunt uv dis tomcat. Get a grip, puritan cat.
Dir Proody,
Mai fren haz a cancer! It gonna kill hur soon! She tell me after we smoke sum catnip, an nao she don't wanna talk about it no moar. Also, we iz in biznatch together and if she dye, we get in trubble mebbeh. Whut I do nao?
Dir Scaredy Cat,
Dis is a tuff sitchooashun. She iz in denial, u r looking fur akshun to bring about a resolushun. I say, call in a ninja to kill her preemptivly. Then hur death be a shok to all, but she look gud becuz she not pussy-futting around the trooth.
Dir Proody,
When I wuz kitteh, mai daddicat lose me in custody fite. Yesterday he kum to mai house and say, "SURPRIZE, I IZ UR FATHER!" But then he see mai Burkenstox, mai komposting litterbox, mai organic catnip garden an mai gurlfren an droo teh obveeyuss conclushun: I iz a lesbicat. He HAYTE lesbicats, also black kittehs, but he call them the n-wurd. I droo obveeuss conclushun: He is ickee, wif no diagnosus of mental incapasitee to exkyoose himself. But mai gurlfren, she feel gilt becuz she haz a family that is close and thinks I should also have a family of sum less distance than I am thinking I want, which is six feet of sod, if u kno whut I mean. Whut I do nao?
Dir lesbicat of disurning tayste,
U kno whut to do. Call in teh ninjas. An tell ur gurlfren to get over it. She iz cat! U iz cat! U no mayk nais to animuls that want to control u! That iz whut a stoopid doggeh duz! U fix ur glare on any hint of dissaprooval, an u killz it in spirit or body, whichever u haz energy for at that partikular moment! Plus, she is lesbicat, she kno patriarkee bad, rite? Also teh energeez, she kno negative racist homofobic energeez iz bad, rite? Tell her u don't put up wif hiz shizz just beekuz u kum frum hiz jizz! I cud go on but u get teh gist. 21 hyooman years of her luv is better than 1 afternoon uv hiz approval, blah blah blah.
Dir Proody,
I went to teh ultimate, most elegant obeedeeance skool in all teh wurld, and nao I screen appli-cats fur it as part of teh extensiff digging into theyr backgrownd to see if they iz sootibull. I interview a lovely young kitteh! And she sai she poor, but I Google-mapped her haouse an did a surch on the awwditor's website (told u it wuz ultimate skool) an it wurth a lot uv teh monies. I rat her owt nao?
Dir Mr. Elegenz,
Exkyooze me, ur purshun fur iz getting all up in mai perspektiff. Kwit wif teh humble brag. Nao: Don't wurry, I have it on gud authoritee that ur skool is so selectiff there is NO WAY, indeed, NONE AT ALL, not EVER IN A MILLYUN YIRS, no NUNKA, SHAMAYZE, NINE, NEE-YETSKI that she cud ever fool anywun in the multi-layered admishuns department. ::eyeroll::
I haz a boifren! We date fur sevin hyooman yirs. Last nite, we had teh sex and fell asleep an then I woke up passin' gaz! I wuz fartin laik a PUPPEH it so bad it woke me up! I try to plai it off all normal an all teh next dai. He did too so natchurally I iz suspishuss. It so horribull I DIE INSAYDE! Hao can our luff survive?
Dir Speshul cat,
I haz an advice for u. Butt furst, teh PUNZ! Gassy, fartnocker, stinkbom and whut dat smell? Okay. Nao. Mai advice iz: WTF. U R CAT. U DU WHUT U WANT. Also, bai nao, u shud hev thrown up, had kittehz and licked ur own butt in frunt uv dis tomcat. Get a grip, puritan cat.
Dir Proody,
Mai fren haz a cancer! It gonna kill hur soon! She tell me after we smoke sum catnip, an nao she don't wanna talk about it no moar. Also, we iz in biznatch together and if she dye, we get in trubble mebbeh. Whut I do nao?
Dir Scaredy Cat,
Dis is a tuff sitchooashun. She iz in denial, u r looking fur akshun to bring about a resolushun. I say, call in a ninja to kill her preemptivly. Then hur death be a shok to all, but she look gud becuz she not pussy-futting around the trooth.
Dir Proody,
When I wuz kitteh, mai daddicat lose me in custody fite. Yesterday he kum to mai house and say, "SURPRIZE, I IZ UR FATHER!" But then he see mai Burkenstox, mai komposting litterbox, mai organic catnip garden an mai gurlfren an droo teh obveeyuss conclushun: I iz a lesbicat. He HAYTE lesbicats, also black kittehs, but he call them the n-wurd. I droo obveeuss conclushun: He is ickee, wif no diagnosus of mental incapasitee to exkyoose himself. But mai gurlfren, she feel gilt becuz she haz a family that is close and thinks I should also have a family of sum less distance than I am thinking I want, which is six feet of sod, if u kno whut I mean. Whut I do nao?
Dir lesbicat of disurning tayste,
U kno whut to do. Call in teh ninjas. An tell ur gurlfren to get over it. She iz cat! U iz cat! U no mayk nais to animuls that want to control u! That iz whut a stoopid doggeh duz! U fix ur glare on any hint of dissaprooval, an u killz it in spirit or body, whichever u haz energy for at that partikular moment! Plus, she is lesbicat, she kno patriarkee bad, rite? Also teh energeez, she kno negative racist homofobic energeez iz bad, rite? Tell her u don't put up wif hiz shizz just beekuz u kum frum hiz jizz! I cud go on but u get teh gist. 21 hyooman years of her luv is better than 1 afternoon uv hiz approval, blah blah blah.
Dir Proody,
I went to teh ultimate, most elegant obeedeeance skool in all teh wurld, and nao I screen appli-cats fur it as part of teh extensiff digging into theyr backgrownd to see if they iz sootibull. I interview a lovely young kitteh! And she sai she poor, but I Google-mapped her haouse an did a surch on the awwditor's website (told u it wuz ultimate skool) an it wurth a lot uv teh monies. I rat her owt nao?
Dir Mr. Elegenz,
Exkyooze me, ur purshun fur iz getting all up in mai perspektiff. Kwit wif teh humble brag. Nao: Don't wurry, I have it on gud authoritee that ur skool is so selectiff there is NO WAY, indeed, NONE AT ALL, not EVER IN A MILLYUN YIRS, no NUNKA, SHAMAYZE, NINE, NEE-YETSKI that she cud ever fool anywun in the multi-layered admishuns department. ::eyeroll::
Monday, September 20, 2010
Frum Mai LOLcats
Original: http://live.washingtonpost.com/dear-prudence-0920.html
Dir Proody : I haz a Rabbit at temple. He shepperd me thru ruff time. Nao he want to do it I think? Thing iz, I no want to and I got a hubbicat and kitteh. Hao I tell him I no want to bone but I laik hiz frenship?
Dir U: At rute, all rabbits want to bone. Espeshully wen in proximit kontact with anything warm. Next tyme he tuch ur leg, u sai, "NO RABBIT THAT A BAD BUNNEH!" Then u swat in fayce with claw out. He will get pikchur and not cross boundary again.
Dir Proody: HAO I HANG MAI CLOTHES THIS VERRRRRYYY IMPORTANT
Dir U: U r cat, u no wear clothes.
Dir Proody: When we haf kittehs? I want kittehs NAO, mai hubbicat, eh, he not so shur.
Dir U: U haz teh hubbicat, but do u haz teh money? If so, that when u haf teh kittehs. Also put ur grajiate degree to wurk before u put ur uterus to wurk.
Dir Proody: If i uze anonymous email to send note to coworker that he suck, iz that completely ballz-free?
Dir U: Yes. Uze anonymous ninja instead.
Dir Proody: Peepul say retard an it hurtz mah feelings! Mah kitteh is autistic!
Dir U: Autism is not retardation, numba wun. Also, no matter whut retarded peepul iz called, that wurd will be an insult until there is full ekwalitee for all. Az long az peepul is afraid they iz low on food chain, they need somewun lower than them, so they will act retarded and be insulting.
Dir Proody: Mai mommicat is stalking me. I kill her?
Dir U: If u want to. Mebbeh u find her a gud boitoi?
Dir Proody: Me an mai hubbicat go out, see peepul we knew wen we wuz younger, but cannot remember their names! Hao we handle this?
Dir U: Fish oil and embarrassment. "I FOHGOT! WE IZ SO OLD!" alwayz a good exkyoose.
Dir Proody: Creepy dood is creepy.
Dir U: If he haz not been told, tell him. Oh snap!
Dir Proody: I iz preggers, and I want to enjoy wine. IN PUBLIC. IN RESTAURANTS. IN SMOKY BARZ. Hao I deal wif judgmental peeps?
Dir U: If u r bownd and determined to defy peepul's persepshuns of whut is appropriate beehavyor for pregnant catz, u best come strapped wif ur best "I DARE U 2 FUK WID ME" look and the inkumbint attitood.
Dir Proody: Wedding kewtchin: We go to outdoor hippi bonfire wedding wif mud and stuff. Mai dress, it got rooind. Hoo pay nao?
Dir U: I bet ur not the only wun wundering. Next time u see mud and smowk coming, u just taik off ur dress in advance.
Dir Proody: Du tomcatz get a hall pass?
Dir U: Feelz laik it sumtimes. Tell brotherz they gots sumthing to do or u will kill them.
Dir Proody: mai kitteh's frend's boifrend bit her after drinking. Her frend nao all laik, "Whut ur problem, biatch?"
Dir U: Peepul bites wai moar dangerous than cat bites. Also, he nutz and when kittehs bite for no reezun they get put down.
Dir Proody: I haz a blooming career an I getting mai Pee HD! Mai boifrend lives wif hiz mommicat and daddicat an sees no reason to leave ever. Also hiz parents think it okay if I liv wif them an have kittehs. We haz fyoocher?
Dir U: I'm going to say no.
Dir Proody: Mai grown kitteh had a bizniss suck-sess and moved to teh woods to be alone in candy howse. For realz. This iz normal?
Dir U: Mebbeh U visit and find owt? Cuz sometimes it startz all happy hippie and ends in unabomer. Generally, happy hippies form happy hippie comyoonity and share veggies. This sounds unabomery.
Dir Proody : I haz a Rabbit at temple. He shepperd me thru ruff time. Nao he want to do it I think? Thing iz, I no want to and I got a hubbicat and kitteh. Hao I tell him I no want to bone but I laik hiz frenship?
Dir U: At rute, all rabbits want to bone. Espeshully wen in proximit kontact with anything warm. Next tyme he tuch ur leg, u sai, "NO RABBIT THAT A BAD BUNNEH!" Then u swat in fayce with claw out. He will get pikchur and not cross boundary again.
Dir Proody: HAO I HANG MAI CLOTHES THIS VERRRRRYYY IMPORTANT
Dir U: U r cat, u no wear clothes.
Dir Proody: When we haf kittehs? I want kittehs NAO, mai hubbicat, eh, he not so shur.
Dir U: U haz teh hubbicat, but do u haz teh money? If so, that when u haf teh kittehs. Also put ur grajiate degree to wurk before u put ur uterus to wurk.
Dir Proody: If i uze anonymous email to send note to coworker that he suck, iz that completely ballz-free?
Dir U: Yes. Uze anonymous ninja instead.
Dir Proody: Peepul say retard an it hurtz mah feelings! Mah kitteh is autistic!
Dir U: Autism is not retardation, numba wun. Also, no matter whut retarded peepul iz called, that wurd will be an insult until there is full ekwalitee for all. Az long az peepul is afraid they iz low on food chain, they need somewun lower than them, so they will act retarded and be insulting.
Dir Proody: Mai mommicat is stalking me. I kill her?
Dir U: If u want to. Mebbeh u find her a gud boitoi?
Dir Proody: Me an mai hubbicat go out, see peepul we knew wen we wuz younger, but cannot remember their names! Hao we handle this?
Dir U: Fish oil and embarrassment. "I FOHGOT! WE IZ SO OLD!" alwayz a good exkyoose.
Dir Proody: Creepy dood is creepy.
Dir U: If he haz not been told, tell him. Oh snap!
Dir Proody: I iz preggers, and I want to enjoy wine. IN PUBLIC. IN RESTAURANTS. IN SMOKY BARZ. Hao I deal wif judgmental peeps?
Dir U: If u r bownd and determined to defy peepul's persepshuns of whut is appropriate beehavyor for pregnant catz, u best come strapped wif ur best "I DARE U 2 FUK WID ME" look and the inkumbint attitood.
Dir Proody: Wedding kewtchin: We go to outdoor hippi bonfire wedding wif mud and stuff. Mai dress, it got rooind. Hoo pay nao?
Dir U: I bet ur not the only wun wundering. Next time u see mud and smowk coming, u just taik off ur dress in advance.
Dir Proody: Du tomcatz get a hall pass?
Dir U: Feelz laik it sumtimes. Tell brotherz they gots sumthing to do or u will kill them.
Dir Proody: mai kitteh's frend's boifrend bit her after drinking. Her frend nao all laik, "Whut ur problem, biatch?"
Dir U: Peepul bites wai moar dangerous than cat bites. Also, he nutz and when kittehs bite for no reezun they get put down.
Dir Proody: I haz a blooming career an I getting mai Pee HD! Mai boifrend lives wif hiz mommicat and daddicat an sees no reason to leave ever. Also hiz parents think it okay if I liv wif them an have kittehs. We haz fyoocher?
Dir U: I'm going to say no.
Dir Proody: Mai grown kitteh had a bizniss suck-sess and moved to teh woods to be alone in candy howse. For realz. This iz normal?
Dir U: Mebbeh U visit and find owt? Cuz sometimes it startz all happy hippie and ends in unabomer. Generally, happy hippies form happy hippie comyoonity and share veggies. This sounds unabomery.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
From My Orbit
Originals here: http://www.slate.com/id/2267469
LW#1: Lady, you need to TELL SOMEONE. Like your husband. Any time anyone makes me feel uncomfortable, you know what I do, right after giving them the hairy eyeball? I tell my husband. It's part of our solidarity thing. And if any man, no matter what his relation to me was, spent an inordinate amount of time "tucking his shirt in" around his burgeoning boner I would first say, "My goodness, aren't you a little creeper!" and then run straight to my husband to let him know I am on troll patrol and I need his hedge clippers.
Okay, but here's the thing about your little creeper in law to be, he has probably just been sussing out your boundaries, which are inexplicably not existing. Any twerp who is frottaging on his MIL to be and exposing himself at this level to his MIL to be is not only a creep, he is probably going to escalate it.
So how do you not cause pain? Well, it's beyond that now. You kind of have to tell your daughter. And you're going to have to rephrase this in your head to, "I'm not the one who started this, HE did." This is not run-of-the mill "I think he's a nice boy but his table manners are atrocious!" or "Do you think he'll give up on his dream of being a professional wakeboarder and become a doctor someday?" This is, "Honey, you know how comfortable I am talking about sex with you, that it basically makes me want to die inside, so you have to understand that when I tell you your fiance has rubbed up against me sexually and exposed himself to me -- I think the internet calls it 'frottage' -- the last thing I want to do is share this violation with anyone. But you're thinking of marrying him, and if I didn't say something about his making his future MIL a part of his sexual whatever it is, I'd be doing you a disservice." Then, in as much detail as you can handle, recount some incidents for her ("It was Thanksgiving. I was bending over the bird, which I had just pulled out of the oven to baste. Suddenly, I felt something up against my bottom, rubbing. I turned around and it was him").
I would hasten to add to all that if you have children, when they are getting to the age where they are going to act sexual (and I don't just mean having intercourse) it's probably a good time to start a conversation about good relationships, consent, boundaries and how you are only talking about this because you want them to have a happy, healthy sex life.
LW#2: No, just don't do anything. Leave her alone. Unless you run into her in some circumstance whereby you can't get away from her (carpooling or something?), then say, "Y'know, those years ago, when I was such a huge douche to you? It's not like it helps or anything, but I was bullied myself, and it took a regrettably long time for me to actually learn from it. Being such an asswipe to you, personally, has been pretty much the thing I've carried around as the most shameful thing I've ever done, and I couldn't be more sorry for how I treated you." But if some asswipe from my past tried to tell me they had changed since middle school, I probably wouldn't be in the apology-accepted mood, unless it was done sincerely, face-to-face.
LW#3: When my friends with a timeshare can't use theirs, they offer it to their friends so long as the acceptors also pay a "maintenance fee." Then the friends don't go to the timeshare. Because if they did, they would basically be using what is theirs and charging someone else and, hey, didn't they offer other people a vacation i.e. a place that will be fun and not where other people are?
But you knew BIL was part of the vacation equation, so I'm guessing he's paying the maintenance fee, right? And at least he's flying down there on his own tab. So as long as he doesn't mind not eating out every night and you recognize that everything is cheaper in the Caribbean once you're there, maybe you might not want to pay your two-thirds of the maintenance fee because it will be about the same in the end?
On the other hand, if his being sneaky is what is making you mad (as it would me, much more so than paying for stuff), you might just have your husband ask if he can front bro some cash on the front end so it isn't "You're paying for all this stuff you can't put a value on."
LW#4: OMG no wonder you're in therapy. Just say, "I'm hoping this will be therapeutic for me to say this and an indication of progress, but you constantly misspell my name on my bill and don't seem to notice it when I send you a check with my actual name on it. OMG PLEASE DON'T HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS!!!! SOB!!!!" I'm sure she'll find a way to drill down on this for the next two years as she sends you new, accurate bills.
LW#1: Lady, you need to TELL SOMEONE. Like your husband. Any time anyone makes me feel uncomfortable, you know what I do, right after giving them the hairy eyeball? I tell my husband. It's part of our solidarity thing. And if any man, no matter what his relation to me was, spent an inordinate amount of time "tucking his shirt in" around his burgeoning boner I would first say, "My goodness, aren't you a little creeper!" and then run straight to my husband to let him know I am on troll patrol and I need his hedge clippers.
Okay, but here's the thing about your little creeper in law to be, he has probably just been sussing out your boundaries, which are inexplicably not existing. Any twerp who is frottaging on his MIL to be and exposing himself at this level to his MIL to be is not only a creep, he is probably going to escalate it.
So how do you not cause pain? Well, it's beyond that now. You kind of have to tell your daughter. And you're going to have to rephrase this in your head to, "I'm not the one who started this, HE did." This is not run-of-the mill "I think he's a nice boy but his table manners are atrocious!" or "Do you think he'll give up on his dream of being a professional wakeboarder and become a doctor someday?" This is, "Honey, you know how comfortable I am talking about sex with you, that it basically makes me want to die inside, so you have to understand that when I tell you your fiance has rubbed up against me sexually and exposed himself to me -- I think the internet calls it 'frottage' -- the last thing I want to do is share this violation with anyone. But you're thinking of marrying him, and if I didn't say something about his making his future MIL a part of his sexual whatever it is, I'd be doing you a disservice." Then, in as much detail as you can handle, recount some incidents for her ("It was Thanksgiving. I was bending over the bird, which I had just pulled out of the oven to baste. Suddenly, I felt something up against my bottom, rubbing. I turned around and it was him").
I would hasten to add to all that if you have children, when they are getting to the age where they are going to act sexual (and I don't just mean having intercourse) it's probably a good time to start a conversation about good relationships, consent, boundaries and how you are only talking about this because you want them to have a happy, healthy sex life.
LW#2: No, just don't do anything. Leave her alone. Unless you run into her in some circumstance whereby you can't get away from her (carpooling or something?), then say, "Y'know, those years ago, when I was such a huge douche to you? It's not like it helps or anything, but I was bullied myself, and it took a regrettably long time for me to actually learn from it. Being such an asswipe to you, personally, has been pretty much the thing I've carried around as the most shameful thing I've ever done, and I couldn't be more sorry for how I treated you." But if some asswipe from my past tried to tell me they had changed since middle school, I probably wouldn't be in the apology-accepted mood, unless it was done sincerely, face-to-face.
LW#3: When my friends with a timeshare can't use theirs, they offer it to their friends so long as the acceptors also pay a "maintenance fee." Then the friends don't go to the timeshare. Because if they did, they would basically be using what is theirs and charging someone else and, hey, didn't they offer other people a vacation i.e. a place that will be fun and not where other people are?
But you knew BIL was part of the vacation equation, so I'm guessing he's paying the maintenance fee, right? And at least he's flying down there on his own tab. So as long as he doesn't mind not eating out every night and you recognize that everything is cheaper in the Caribbean once you're there, maybe you might not want to pay your two-thirds of the maintenance fee because it will be about the same in the end?
On the other hand, if his being sneaky is what is making you mad (as it would me, much more so than paying for stuff), you might just have your husband ask if he can front bro some cash on the front end so it isn't "You're paying for all this stuff you can't put a value on."
LW#4: OMG no wonder you're in therapy. Just say, "I'm hoping this will be therapeutic for me to say this and an indication of progress, but you constantly misspell my name on my bill and don't seem to notice it when I send you a check with my actual name on it. OMG PLEASE DON'T HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS!!!! SOB!!!!" I'm sure she'll find a way to drill down on this for the next two years as she sends you new, accurate bills.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
From My Orbit
Originals are HERE.
LW#1: Is this sexual harassment? He's just rubbin' one out, under his desk in his own office, when you come in early and unexpected and have to notify him to your early birdiness by sticking your head in his door to show him what an ... I was going to say "eager beaver" you are, but let's go with "eager legal eagle." So no, I can't see as how he intended to make you feel uncomfortable. Sexual harassment? Not so clear cut.
HOWEVER! When you decide to rub one out at work, no matter the hour, you are taking fate (and your fireman) into your own hands in a risky little game! However, as you may have discovered, to be a successful attorney means needing to take some risks, having an enormous ego and unquenchable desires. There are a lot of lawyers with personality disorders out there, and it is those personality disorders that help to fuel their success. And, as we see here, can be their downfall. It's a Greek tragedy thing. Seriously, those Athenians figured all this out.
At any rate, I'm supposed to be helpful here, so I'm going to say you write this up in your "just in case" journal, act like nothing ever happened until he gives you reason to act like something happened, and if you absolutely, positively HAVE to show off that you're doing something work-related in the future, make it an ostentatious 2 a.m. email to all the partners about what you "just" did.
LW#2: When you snoop, you lose. Also, when you overshare and lie, you lose. Sigh. The only thing I can tell you is that now you know what you're facing with your ex. And you'll probably have to fess up to your son that you snooped, and that you want him to know what you know, which is that yes, his father is his father. But if you can't straight up fess up, I have an alternative plan: Get your son in the car for a drive, then mention that he hasn't said so much as "boo" to you since he got back from his dad's house and YOU THINK THAT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING. You can disclaim that you don't particularly care to know what the particulars of what you think his father might have told him, but that you sense a rift, and you love him too much to let it go on.
And you have GOT to talk to your kid. Because a boy who calls his mother a "dumb slut" is a boy who badly, badly needs some feminism in his life, who badly needs to see that women make the best choices they are given at the time they have to make those choices. There are contexts that people live in, and have to take into account, whether they are men or women.
But think about it like this: His father is not doing himself any favors by painting you in a slutty, nasty light. And he's making himself look like an ass for being hooked up with a woman he says he was not sure was carrying his child. He's really digging himself in a hole here. Because obviously you live with a certain standard of integrity, right? And your son is going to see this as he grows up, right?
The other tip I'd give is don't say a thing to the ex. Don't bring it up, don't do anything. He's an ass and either karma will get him or it won't. But the last thing your kid needs to do is for you to turn an act of craptastic parenting on your ex's part into interpersonal drama. And any phone call you make to your ex is only going to be used against you. It's rough, but just stay who you are, above this nonsense.
LW#3: Well, you should get your own stuff back, if not necessarily the stuff you gave her back.
But okay, here's something that I don't fully understand, having seen it up close, and which you can't fully understand either: Parents whose child dies are totally not the same as they were five minutes before their child died. There is a hole in their heart and soul, and it's bigger than the child's presence. When a child dies, especially a young person who was not yet able to show the world who they were, the parents will lose faith, optimism and perspective.
So this friend of yours, her parents are not going to be as you knew them. And you have no idea what effect you, the passenger with their daughter in the car on the night she died, will actually be having on them.
Anyway, you probably don't mean to sound so obsessed with stuff, but this letter is maybe a lot more to the point than you should be. These folks are grieving, not just sorting stuff out. And you need to approach them like you know that.
You need to be able to talk about their daughter to them, you need to be able to ask to look at her things not because you want them, but because you miss her and want to make that connection. And I'm sure that the gifts you gave her are probably much more meaningful than you're getting across, so work on your delivery. Because you're already going to feel awkward enough around these devastated people. At least, I kind of hope you feel awkward enough to not worry about whatever it is that you're looking for in those objects so you drop it.
LW#4: How I'd handle it: Rude person: "Are you a veteran?" Me: "Yes, in the war on not attracting attention." "Yes, and I lost my leg to an IED -- an incidentally extraneous disease." "They sent me away to that hellhole, and for what?! (Insert shockingly unexpected opinion here about the wars -- i.e. pacifist ones. People freak the heck out when they hear a vet saying something pacifist. I think it messes with their ideas about what Norman Rockwell stuff you're supposed to believe.)" People are really weird about vet stuff, though. It may just be better to let it roll. Especially to old guys.
LW#1: Is this sexual harassment? He's just rubbin' one out, under his desk in his own office, when you come in early and unexpected and have to notify him to your early birdiness by sticking your head in his door to show him what an ... I was going to say "eager beaver" you are, but let's go with "eager legal eagle." So no, I can't see as how he intended to make you feel uncomfortable. Sexual harassment? Not so clear cut.
HOWEVER! When you decide to rub one out at work, no matter the hour, you are taking fate (and your fireman) into your own hands in a risky little game! However, as you may have discovered, to be a successful attorney means needing to take some risks, having an enormous ego and unquenchable desires. There are a lot of lawyers with personality disorders out there, and it is those personality disorders that help to fuel their success. And, as we see here, can be their downfall. It's a Greek tragedy thing. Seriously, those Athenians figured all this out.
At any rate, I'm supposed to be helpful here, so I'm going to say you write this up in your "just in case" journal, act like nothing ever happened until he gives you reason to act like something happened, and if you absolutely, positively HAVE to show off that you're doing something work-related in the future, make it an ostentatious 2 a.m. email to all the partners about what you "just" did.
LW#2: When you snoop, you lose. Also, when you overshare and lie, you lose. Sigh. The only thing I can tell you is that now you know what you're facing with your ex. And you'll probably have to fess up to your son that you snooped, and that you want him to know what you know, which is that yes, his father is his father. But if you can't straight up fess up, I have an alternative plan: Get your son in the car for a drive, then mention that he hasn't said so much as "boo" to you since he got back from his dad's house and YOU THINK THAT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING. You can disclaim that you don't particularly care to know what the particulars of what you think his father might have told him, but that you sense a rift, and you love him too much to let it go on.
And you have GOT to talk to your kid. Because a boy who calls his mother a "dumb slut" is a boy who badly, badly needs some feminism in his life, who badly needs to see that women make the best choices they are given at the time they have to make those choices. There are contexts that people live in, and have to take into account, whether they are men or women.
But think about it like this: His father is not doing himself any favors by painting you in a slutty, nasty light. And he's making himself look like an ass for being hooked up with a woman he says he was not sure was carrying his child. He's really digging himself in a hole here. Because obviously you live with a certain standard of integrity, right? And your son is going to see this as he grows up, right?
The other tip I'd give is don't say a thing to the ex. Don't bring it up, don't do anything. He's an ass and either karma will get him or it won't. But the last thing your kid needs to do is for you to turn an act of craptastic parenting on your ex's part into interpersonal drama. And any phone call you make to your ex is only going to be used against you. It's rough, but just stay who you are, above this nonsense.
LW#3: Well, you should get your own stuff back, if not necessarily the stuff you gave her back.
But okay, here's something that I don't fully understand, having seen it up close, and which you can't fully understand either: Parents whose child dies are totally not the same as they were five minutes before their child died. There is a hole in their heart and soul, and it's bigger than the child's presence. When a child dies, especially a young person who was not yet able to show the world who they were, the parents will lose faith, optimism and perspective.
So this friend of yours, her parents are not going to be as you knew them. And you have no idea what effect you, the passenger with their daughter in the car on the night she died, will actually be having on them.
Anyway, you probably don't mean to sound so obsessed with stuff, but this letter is maybe a lot more to the point than you should be. These folks are grieving, not just sorting stuff out. And you need to approach them like you know that.
You need to be able to talk about their daughter to them, you need to be able to ask to look at her things not because you want them, but because you miss her and want to make that connection. And I'm sure that the gifts you gave her are probably much more meaningful than you're getting across, so work on your delivery. Because you're already going to feel awkward enough around these devastated people. At least, I kind of hope you feel awkward enough to not worry about whatever it is that you're looking for in those objects so you drop it.
LW#4: How I'd handle it: Rude person: "Are you a veteran?" Me: "Yes, in the war on not attracting attention." "Yes, and I lost my leg to an IED -- an incidentally extraneous disease." "They sent me away to that hellhole, and for what?! (Insert shockingly unexpected opinion here about the wars -- i.e. pacifist ones. People freak the heck out when they hear a vet saying something pacifist. I think it messes with their ideas about what Norman Rockwell stuff you're supposed to believe.)" People are really weird about vet stuff, though. It may just be better to let it roll. Especially to old guys.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Proody: For when u need a poorly spelled smackdown
Dir Proody,
Mah mommicat is sick, in pain and cannot hold down a job. So she bekum a foster mommicat to a litter of messed up kittehs. She adopt wun, too! Dis kitteh, she trubble wif a capital T. Her tyme in teh pownd, it was not so gud, and nao she biting peepul, getting the po-po called on her and spending tyme in hospital for head-shrinker reezuns. Mai mommicat can't really deel wif all this kittehdrama to begin wif, much less this psychokitteh stuff.
Anniwai, mah auntiecat, who married a fatcat, sai, "Hey sistercat, wai not come wif me to Europe for three weeks? Leeve ur trubbles behynd!" Trubbles meaning the litter and the psychokitteh. The litter, the state will place. The psychokitteh ... well, she need a place to go for two weeks. Mah sistercat sai, "Here? No wai hoe-zay!" Mai hubbicat? "No wai!" But I think I can wear heem down eeven tho we haz little, fragile kittehs of our own.
I wear heem down and help psychokitteh or stand furm up to mommicat?
Hao I survyve mah childhud, I not ever kno.
Dir Survyve,
Lotz of drama up in ur joynt. Haz rich auntiecat considered paying for sleepaway camp? R all psychokitteh's vaxinayshuns up to date? And also, r u owt of ur mind? Help psychokitteh frum teh owtside, as interested adult, but proteckt ur kittehs.
Dir Proody,
I use to teech this younger guy in strange forrin land I livez in nao. Feelings, we haz them, tho we never, ever disclose them to each other except by the most forlorn glances. If we not date, everything continue inclooding pain in mah heart. If we date, wurld come crashing down, but we haz eech other. What I do nao?
Luv-struk
Dir Luv-struk,
U never talk abowt ur feelings? How u not know he just have angstee eyebrows and weerd bowndary ishoos?
Do whut u want, u r cat. But mebbeh u need to get owt moar.
Dir Proody,
I got bad diagnosis and teh medical buks all sai I die in five yirs. It haz put a damper on mah abilitee to enjoy daily life wif mah hubbicat and little kittehs. Hao I just embrace the nao with the grace of peepul in moovees?
So effing sad over here
Dir Sad,
In moovees, peepul who r gonna die r played by actors who r not really dying reeding scripts ritten bai peepul who r not faycing impending doom. So, grayn of salt there. Get help. U needz it.
Dir Proody,
I am yung and strong and a boicat. So when teh water dish run dry, teh wimminz sai, "Strong yung boicat, can u refill it wif big water jug?" Wai they not do it themselves? Isn't feminism abowt me not being inconveeniensed by teh needz of teh laydeez every week for a minute or too? I bring mai own water in from home, BTW.
Boiling over water
Dir Boiling,
As catz, it iz troo, we duz not laik to haz to do chores for others. But if u no can tell they laik to see ur muscles straining a little, u need to realyze, in loo of soshul skillz, this is all u haz to get teh laydeecatz. Also, u appir to not haz ballz or brain. Purrhapz u shud go into water jug delivery and get ur mowth stitched shut. Yes, that abowt right preskripshun to mayk ur life purrfekt.
Mah mommicat is sick, in pain and cannot hold down a job. So she bekum a foster mommicat to a litter of messed up kittehs. She adopt wun, too! Dis kitteh, she trubble wif a capital T. Her tyme in teh pownd, it was not so gud, and nao she biting peepul, getting the po-po called on her and spending tyme in hospital for head-shrinker reezuns. Mai mommicat can't really deel wif all this kittehdrama to begin wif, much less this psychokitteh stuff.
Anniwai, mah auntiecat, who married a fatcat, sai, "Hey sistercat, wai not come wif me to Europe for three weeks? Leeve ur trubbles behynd!" Trubbles meaning the litter and the psychokitteh. The litter, the state will place. The psychokitteh ... well, she need a place to go for two weeks. Mah sistercat sai, "Here? No wai hoe-zay!" Mai hubbicat? "No wai!" But I think I can wear heem down eeven tho we haz little, fragile kittehs of our own.
I wear heem down and help psychokitteh or stand furm up to mommicat?
Hao I survyve mah childhud, I not ever kno.
Dir Survyve,
Lotz of drama up in ur joynt. Haz rich auntiecat considered paying for sleepaway camp? R all psychokitteh's vaxinayshuns up to date? And also, r u owt of ur mind? Help psychokitteh frum teh owtside, as interested adult, but proteckt ur kittehs.
Dir Proody,
I use to teech this younger guy in strange forrin land I livez in nao. Feelings, we haz them, tho we never, ever disclose them to each other except by the most forlorn glances. If we not date, everything continue inclooding pain in mah heart. If we date, wurld come crashing down, but we haz eech other. What I do nao?
Luv-struk
Dir Luv-struk,
U never talk abowt ur feelings? How u not know he just have angstee eyebrows and weerd bowndary ishoos?
Do whut u want, u r cat. But mebbeh u need to get owt moar.
Dir Proody,
I got bad diagnosis and teh medical buks all sai I die in five yirs. It haz put a damper on mah abilitee to enjoy daily life wif mah hubbicat and little kittehs. Hao I just embrace the nao with the grace of peepul in moovees?
So effing sad over here
Dir Sad,
In moovees, peepul who r gonna die r played by actors who r not really dying reeding scripts ritten bai peepul who r not faycing impending doom. So, grayn of salt there. Get help. U needz it.
Dir Proody,
I am yung and strong and a boicat. So when teh water dish run dry, teh wimminz sai, "Strong yung boicat, can u refill it wif big water jug?" Wai they not do it themselves? Isn't feminism abowt me not being inconveeniensed by teh needz of teh laydeez every week for a minute or too? I bring mai own water in from home, BTW.
Boiling over water
Dir Boiling,
As catz, it iz troo, we duz not laik to haz to do chores for others. But if u no can tell they laik to see ur muscles straining a little, u need to realyze, in loo of soshul skillz, this is all u haz to get teh laydeecatz. Also, u appir to not haz ballz or brain. Purrhapz u shud go into water jug delivery and get ur mowth stitched shut. Yes, that abowt right preskripshun to mayk ur life purrfekt.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Listen to the cats
Dir Proody,
I haz a kitteh and a hubbicat, who is not the kittehdaddeh. The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey. We get hubbicat to adopt kitteh or we let heem have playdates wif kittehdaddeh because, well, he's teh sperm donor?
Iz embarassed to haz slept wif the kittehdaddeh
Dir embarrassed,
Of coarse u r.
But nao we ask, "Duz u want to protekt ur kitteh or, alternativelee, let him mayk his own choices after he iz put in bad posishun wif rapey felon?" I tend to err on teh side of leeving well enuf alone.
Dir Proody,
I can haz job? Iz years nao and I iz kind of ... frusstrayted. Want to kill peepul who is asking me, "Wai u not wurk for such a long time?" I can kill them, rait?
Frusstrayted
Dir Frusstrayted,
U R cat, so yes, you may come at them ninja-style. Alternative solooshun: Maybe you get self-employed so u can get an underling to do all teh work?
Dir Proody,
Mah sister in law, she gradjiating! She salotatorian! But her mommicat iz going to go to teh head of teh skool and bitch for sum rilly dum reesons abowt these other kittehs being ineligible to speechify in front of teh class.
Teh delikat point iz that I want mah kitteh to go to this skool sumday, and I haz relatives that werk there. Whut I do nao?
Prowd of SIL
Dir Prowd,
I think ur SIL iz abowt to get owt frum under one cattiwumpus of an apron string, that whut I think. Cud u videotape ur MIL in action? I think that wud be a killer UTube viral video. Sumtimes peepul haz to lern teh hard way. Mebbeh not ur SIL, but her mommicat? Take that bitch to skool.
Dir Proody,
Mah boifren, he haz a frend he will room with at a conference. Problem? She iz gurl! I totallee trust they not be having teh secks, even teh drunken "accidental" secks or "have u ever wundered" secks. I rilly do. I am so unconserned about it that I am obsessed wif other cats seeing them go back to their shared room thinking that they are having this not-at-all-happening-ever-in-a-million-years-or-Cuervos secks. That whut mayk me sad. But she iz laid off and he iz compashun itself. Whut I do nao?
I trust heem implisitlee. Rilly.
Dir Rilly,
Well, if he were a smart cheeter he wud not hav told u. OR IZ HE THAT SMART THAT HE CAN DO THE DOUBLE BACKSTAB?
Onlee one opshun: Find an excuse to go to this conference wif him, or in separate room. If posible, haz her boifren be ur roomie. Mayk sertin that hijinks ensue. Sell transcript of entire awkward weekend to become a pilot for awkward sitcom. Mayke tons of money. Leave ur boifren u no trust.
Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.
I haz a kitteh and a hubbicat, who is not the kittehdaddeh. The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey. We get hubbicat to adopt kitteh or we let heem have playdates wif kittehdaddeh because, well, he's teh sperm donor?
Iz embarassed to haz slept wif the kittehdaddeh
Dir embarrassed,
Of coarse u r.
But nao we ask, "Duz u want to protekt ur kitteh or, alternativelee, let him mayk his own choices after he iz put in bad posishun wif rapey felon?" I tend to err on teh side of leeving well enuf alone.
Dir Proody,
I can haz job? Iz years nao and I iz kind of ... frusstrayted. Want to kill peepul who is asking me, "Wai u not wurk for such a long time?" I can kill them, rait?
Frusstrayted
Dir Frusstrayted,
U R cat, so yes, you may come at them ninja-style. Alternative solooshun: Maybe you get self-employed so u can get an underling to do all teh work?
Dir Proody,
Mah sister in law, she gradjiating! She salotatorian! But her mommicat iz going to go to teh head of teh skool and bitch for sum rilly dum reesons abowt these other kittehs being ineligible to speechify in front of teh class.
Teh delikat point iz that I want mah kitteh to go to this skool sumday, and I haz relatives that werk there. Whut I do nao?
Prowd of SIL
Dir Prowd,
I think ur SIL iz abowt to get owt frum under one cattiwumpus of an apron string, that whut I think. Cud u videotape ur MIL in action? I think that wud be a killer UTube viral video. Sumtimes peepul haz to lern teh hard way. Mebbeh not ur SIL, but her mommicat? Take that bitch to skool.
Dir Proody,
Mah boifren, he haz a frend he will room with at a conference. Problem? She iz gurl! I totallee trust they not be having teh secks, even teh drunken "accidental" secks or "have u ever wundered" secks. I rilly do. I am so unconserned about it that I am obsessed wif other cats seeing them go back to their shared room thinking that they are having this not-at-all-happening-ever-in-a-million-years-or-Cuervos secks. That whut mayk me sad. But she iz laid off and he iz compashun itself. Whut I do nao?
I trust heem implisitlee. Rilly.
Dir Rilly,
Well, if he were a smart cheeter he wud not hav told u. OR IZ HE THAT SMART THAT HE CAN DO THE DOUBLE BACKSTAB?
Onlee one opshun: Find an excuse to go to this conference wif him, or in separate room. If posible, haz her boifren be ur roomie. Mayk sertin that hijinks ensue. Sell transcript of entire awkward weekend to become a pilot for awkward sitcom. Mayke tons of money. Leave ur boifren u no trust.
Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Proody, sociopathic LOLcat advisor
Man, I gotta start getting this stuff DONE. But you know what? It's like these problems just build and build and build, and then my work as LOLcat to the rescue is a little overwhelming. But better late than never: Here is Proody, unleashed!
Dir Proody,
I iz a yung kitteh. I haz a job! In radio! But there is this wun old leddicat who act laik kitteh. It repulse me. Nobuddy stop talking abowt how she nasty, pretending to be yung and hawt when she dried up and disgusting! Hao I maik her feel wurst abowt this, confronting her as hawter and smarter kitteh whilez I givez her denchure kreem and senior pet fud, yeah?
Mah poo, it haz no smellz
Dir Poo,
A wurd of advice: Any leddicat who haz a career and lifestyul invested in luking yung and hawt laik that haz not only amassed enuf power to get u fired for bean a little dum-dum, but likely also haz a pact with the devil and iz maybe a little evil. Evil enuf to kill, certainly. I wud think she haz killed befor. I wud also think mebbeh ur coworkers are setting u up to do something rilly dum for their own amyoosement. But u know whut, this sound laik it rilly bother u, so u go up to that old biddie and u sez, "Whai u act so hawt when u an old creaky cat?"
(Anywun who werk with Poo, pleez call me and let me know when this go down so I can watch.)
Dir Proody,
A year ago I caused an accident, sort of, and nao I feel shame and gilt. Whut I do?
Granpa Sunday driver wif horse trailer
Dir Granpa,
I think u r cat, so shame is not natural. I also think ur horse ownership iz not natural. I kind of think u r pathetic and needz to cat up. Realize kittehs taik their lives into their own handz all teh time, for stoopid reasons, u have no control over it. All u haz control over is ur accellerator pedal foot, and if u were being sooper careful of the law just to see a fast-livin kitteh get her comeuppance, well, stop being ashamed of it and start being prowd she fall in ur trap.
Dir Proody,
OMG I HAZ PARTY AND THESE TWO CATZ WERE HAVING TEH SECKS ON MAH COWCH OMG OMG !!!!!11!!!!1!!!!!1ELEVENTYMILLION!!!!!! I PUT ON SPACEBOOK NAO, RAIT???
I WALKED IN ON IT
Dir Walked,
Sounds laik u had a successful partee. U can put that on Spacebook.
Dir Proody,
I haz a husbandcat. He haz hobbeez. Many, many hobbeez. Boring fukking hobeez. And no frends so he ask me abowt his fukking fixee. I kill heem nao?
Desparate Housecat
Dir Desparate,
Oh hellz yes u killz heem nao. U kill any cat that show slitest need for opinion of others and put it owt of its mizery.
Dir Proody,
I haz a great boss, but she cry sometimes. And create lots of drama. Whut I do nao?
Uncomfortable
Dir Uncomfortable,
Whut, u can't complayn to Feline Resources? Okay, then u start feeding her informashun abowt who hayte her, who say mean things about her, hao her bosses no trust her and u are onlee wun she can trust. U build her up into tizzee of emoshuns. When she abowt to go postal, u call security on her. Then u r hero who get to be new boss. Simpull.
Dir Proody,
Mai fren got a dawg an keep it in a tiny cage all teh time. Wai he so cruel? Whut I do nao?
Sympathetic
Dir Sympathetic,
Altho I generallee have no use for dawgs, teh best wai to deal with them is not caging them. This onlee mayke u look weak. Hissing, scratching, suddenly puffing up into furball, this teh wai to deal wif a dawg. U can offer to let ur frend know he is doing sumthing that will onlee lead to dawg tearing the stuffing out of heem, or u cud just sit back and watch teh fur fly!
Dir Proody,
Mai boifren/fiansay, I LUVS HEEM SO MUCH! But he drinks a lot. Usually we fite and I haz to apologize becuz I get judgy, but this tyme he pee himself when drunk. Whut I do nao?
Litterbox, plz
Dir Litterbox,
If u apologize for being judgy then this relashunship is dun. He iz a drunk. U r a cat. Judgy is whut u r. And drunk iz whut he iz.
Dir Proody,
Mai old gurlfren from obedience school died. I greeve and morn in silence. But I want to cause some drama. Laik, reality TV scale drama. I send card to her husband so he know I thinking abowt his wifeycat? Will he tell mai wifeycat and get her angry? Is this a gud plan?
Lost love and mind
Dir Lost,
U do whut u want, u r cat. But to be honest, if u r wanting to connect wif this flayme so bad u are mebbeh hoping to maik owt wif her hubbicat, mebbeh u need to lay off the catnip.
Dir Proody,
Mai life as a kitteh was purrfekt. Laik "Leave it to Beaver." But nao mai parents tell me big seekret: Mom wuz a pussy-showing porn star! Her work on the intertoobz! I so shocked I think I sai sumthing crazy angry to them!
Devastated
Dir Devastated,
Isn't it terribull to lern ur parents not onlee laik secks, but mebbeh are having moar fun at it than u? She posed for sum pickchurs? So whut. Get a grip and do whut u r supposed to: Rebel. Wif crazier secks than u ever dreamed possibull.
Dir Proody,
I haz a dreem to do gud werk in the nashun's capitol. Mai mommicat, haoever, haz a cancer that needs insayne treatment. She not live in nashun's capitol. Whut I do? Follow mai dreem or help mai mommicat?
Ackshually Devastated
Dir Ackshually,
U r abowt to embark on a new lyfe annywai rite nao, but it sad that ur mommicat iz going to go thru all the keemo and have a hard tyme while u r mixing it up wif ambassadors from faraway lands. Mebbeh u taik the train home wunce in a while?
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat is a mess. Literully! Her lyfe is a shambles of bad desishuns, self-inflicted poverty and a trail of untaken and unwerking medicashuns and doctorcats. Nao I have agreed, with mai sister, to foot the bill for a place for her. But for mommicat to get to that place her apartment had to be cleaned. Her apartment is basically a living simbol of the mess she has mayde of her lyfe, so I wuz all, "Hellz no I does NOT WANT to clean it!" Nao mai sister is mad I not kleen apartment wif her. Hao I heel this wound?
Sloppy seconds
Dir Sloppy,
Ur mother sounds awful. I suggest getting some barely competant ninjas to take her owt. Then u and ur sister will have to avenge her sweet, sweet release from the mortal coil by killing them. And since they r barely competant u will be okay. And then the day is saved and the breach is spanned.
Sumtymes I surprize myself with hao amayzing mai advice is.
Dir Proody,
I raise mai dottercats to be naice. But they not laik dorky kittehs or mean kittehs. I beat this kindness into their headz, right?
Popularity for teh burdz
Dir Burdz,
U raise kidz, they will disappoint u. By, in ur case, being well-liked and popular. I kno I am definitelee not too soshul. But some kittehs laik peepul. It weerd but true. And sumtymes u haf to accept that, and slink back into ur corner and stare at teh wall and strike owt at anywun who dum enuf to interrupt u.
Speaking of which, I haz a corner to get to nao.
Dir Proody,
I iz a yung kitteh. I haz a job! In radio! But there is this wun old leddicat who act laik kitteh. It repulse me. Nobuddy stop talking abowt how she nasty, pretending to be yung and hawt when she dried up and disgusting! Hao I maik her feel wurst abowt this, confronting her as hawter and smarter kitteh whilez I givez her denchure kreem and senior pet fud, yeah?
Mah poo, it haz no smellz
Dir Poo,
A wurd of advice: Any leddicat who haz a career and lifestyul invested in luking yung and hawt laik that haz not only amassed enuf power to get u fired for bean a little dum-dum, but likely also haz a pact with the devil and iz maybe a little evil. Evil enuf to kill, certainly. I wud think she haz killed befor. I wud also think mebbeh ur coworkers are setting u up to do something rilly dum for their own amyoosement. But u know whut, this sound laik it rilly bother u, so u go up to that old biddie and u sez, "Whai u act so hawt when u an old creaky cat?"
(Anywun who werk with Poo, pleez call me and let me know when this go down so I can watch.)
Dir Proody,
A year ago I caused an accident, sort of, and nao I feel shame and gilt. Whut I do?
Granpa Sunday driver wif horse trailer
Dir Granpa,
I think u r cat, so shame is not natural. I also think ur horse ownership iz not natural. I kind of think u r pathetic and needz to cat up. Realize kittehs taik their lives into their own handz all teh time, for stoopid reasons, u have no control over it. All u haz control over is ur accellerator pedal foot, and if u were being sooper careful of the law just to see a fast-livin kitteh get her comeuppance, well, stop being ashamed of it and start being prowd she fall in ur trap.
Dir Proody,
OMG I HAZ PARTY AND THESE TWO CATZ WERE HAVING TEH SECKS ON MAH COWCH OMG OMG !!!!!11!!!!1!!!!!1ELEVENTYMILLION!!!!!! I PUT ON SPACEBOOK NAO, RAIT???
I WALKED IN ON IT
Dir Walked,
Sounds laik u had a successful partee. U can put that on Spacebook.
Dir Proody,
I haz a husbandcat. He haz hobbeez. Many, many hobbeez. Boring fukking hobeez. And no frends so he ask me abowt his fukking fixee. I kill heem nao?
Desparate Housecat
Dir Desparate,
Oh hellz yes u killz heem nao. U kill any cat that show slitest need for opinion of others and put it owt of its mizery.
Dir Proody,
I haz a great boss, but she cry sometimes. And create lots of drama. Whut I do nao?
Uncomfortable
Dir Uncomfortable,
Whut, u can't complayn to Feline Resources? Okay, then u start feeding her informashun abowt who hayte her, who say mean things about her, hao her bosses no trust her and u are onlee wun she can trust. U build her up into tizzee of emoshuns. When she abowt to go postal, u call security on her. Then u r hero who get to be new boss. Simpull.
Dir Proody,
Mai fren got a dawg an keep it in a tiny cage all teh time. Wai he so cruel? Whut I do nao?
Sympathetic
Dir Sympathetic,
Altho I generallee have no use for dawgs, teh best wai to deal with them is not caging them. This onlee mayke u look weak. Hissing, scratching, suddenly puffing up into furball, this teh wai to deal wif a dawg. U can offer to let ur frend know he is doing sumthing that will onlee lead to dawg tearing the stuffing out of heem, or u cud just sit back and watch teh fur fly!
Dir Proody,
Mai boifren/fiansay, I LUVS HEEM SO MUCH! But he drinks a lot. Usually we fite and I haz to apologize becuz I get judgy, but this tyme he pee himself when drunk. Whut I do nao?
Litterbox, plz
Dir Litterbox,
If u apologize for being judgy then this relashunship is dun. He iz a drunk. U r a cat. Judgy is whut u r. And drunk iz whut he iz.
Dir Proody,
Mai old gurlfren from obedience school died. I greeve and morn in silence. But I want to cause some drama. Laik, reality TV scale drama. I send card to her husband so he know I thinking abowt his wifeycat? Will he tell mai wifeycat and get her angry? Is this a gud plan?
Lost love and mind
Dir Lost,
U do whut u want, u r cat. But to be honest, if u r wanting to connect wif this flayme so bad u are mebbeh hoping to maik owt wif her hubbicat, mebbeh u need to lay off the catnip.
Dir Proody,
Mai life as a kitteh was purrfekt. Laik "Leave it to Beaver." But nao mai parents tell me big seekret: Mom wuz a pussy-showing porn star! Her work on the intertoobz! I so shocked I think I sai sumthing crazy angry to them!
Devastated
Dir Devastated,
Isn't it terribull to lern ur parents not onlee laik secks, but mebbeh are having moar fun at it than u? She posed for sum pickchurs? So whut. Get a grip and do whut u r supposed to: Rebel. Wif crazier secks than u ever dreamed possibull.
Dir Proody,
I haz a dreem to do gud werk in the nashun's capitol. Mai mommicat, haoever, haz a cancer that needs insayne treatment. She not live in nashun's capitol. Whut I do? Follow mai dreem or help mai mommicat?
Ackshually Devastated
Dir Ackshually,
U r abowt to embark on a new lyfe annywai rite nao, but it sad that ur mommicat iz going to go thru all the keemo and have a hard tyme while u r mixing it up wif ambassadors from faraway lands. Mebbeh u taik the train home wunce in a while?
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat is a mess. Literully! Her lyfe is a shambles of bad desishuns, self-inflicted poverty and a trail of untaken and unwerking medicashuns and doctorcats. Nao I have agreed, with mai sister, to foot the bill for a place for her. But for mommicat to get to that place her apartment had to be cleaned. Her apartment is basically a living simbol of the mess she has mayde of her lyfe, so I wuz all, "Hellz no I does NOT WANT to clean it!" Nao mai sister is mad I not kleen apartment wif her. Hao I heel this wound?
Sloppy seconds
Dir Sloppy,
Ur mother sounds awful. I suggest getting some barely competant ninjas to take her owt. Then u and ur sister will have to avenge her sweet, sweet release from the mortal coil by killing them. And since they r barely competant u will be okay. And then the day is saved and the breach is spanned.
Sumtymes I surprize myself with hao amayzing mai advice is.
Dir Proody,
I raise mai dottercats to be naice. But they not laik dorky kittehs or mean kittehs. I beat this kindness into their headz, right?
Popularity for teh burdz
Dir Burdz,
U raise kidz, they will disappoint u. By, in ur case, being well-liked and popular. I kno I am definitelee not too soshul. But some kittehs laik peepul. It weerd but true. And sumtymes u haf to accept that, and slink back into ur corner and stare at teh wall and strike owt at anywun who dum enuf to interrupt u.
Speaking of which, I haz a corner to get to nao.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Bigtime cattin' around
When teh dog is away, teh catz will play!
AND SO IT BEEGIN!
Dir Proody,
I go on teh internetz, get some roommates. Az we are cat, we iz anti-soshul with each other. BUT nao wun of them got herself nocked up wif a kitteh and iz smoking. She dumcat and also teh kittehdaddeh? Invisibul. I tell her she bad in note under teh door, rite?
Cregslist is for teh berdz
Dir Cregslist,
Uh, no u don't. U say, "If u need moar help wif teh aborshun I push u down stairs, okay? Half pak of smokes a dai is just enuf to get kitteh wif problems, not teh miscarriage u iz needin."
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh is speshul, in a leetle bit speshul Olimpix way. Teh Assburgers, she gots it. In spite of this, she is just like normal gurl wif teh birfday parties and the skool. But she was only kitteh in hur class who not get invite to this wun girl's birfday party. I go kill this rude kitteh and her dipshit parents nao?
Cougar mama
Dir Cougar,
Yes. U mai kill them nao. Why develop coping skillz, that whut I alwais say.
Dir Proody,
I am 30, married and I IZ IN HEAT SO BAD. But onlee for this one tomcat at werk. It okay if I lift my tail and show him my engorgements? PLEEZE HE SO KYUTE I WANNA DO HEEM ON TEH ZEEROCKS AND IN TEH OFFICE SUPPLY CLOSET! Also, wai he not coming on to me wen I am so obviouslee purrfect fur heem?
WANT TO BONE HEEM
Dir BONE,
U r asking mai permission for sumthing? U r cat, do whut u want if uther cat want. If ur husband no like it, he can go find sumone else to make it with, since he probably young and dumb laik u, too.
Dir Proody,
Mai frend do sum bad stuff, she in teh pound nao. Before she put in slammer, she give me two shoogur gliders to look after. And I did, lord hao I did. For a year. Tehn I ated wun. I told her it sick, but getting better. If I keep lying until she come owt, she won't wring my neck and have to go back in?
Shoogur gliders, not sweet akshually
Dir Not Sweet,
You iz dum. Tell her while she iz in teh slammer so the inishul wave of anger passes and u no have to wurry about that. Onlee have to wurry abowt teh building up of rayge over time.
Dir Proody,
I need an opurashun to haz teh secks, but teh dockters and mai mommicat keep saying: "Get a boifren and haf heem poke at u till u both get sick uv it." Hao I supposed to get poked by a tender lover when teh onlee wai peepul mai age get tender lovers iz to have teh hookup secks with them furst? And duh, I have been trying with all these different tomcats to get it going on. Duh.
Very small pussy
Dir Pussy,
I cannot beleeve those peepul r still alive. Wai u not gone all ninja on them? Find real pussy dockter, too! Get whut u know u need and quitcherbitchin to me!
Dir Proody,
Mai daddicat had a stroke and nao cannot do hardly anithing but sit around and wayte to die. Obviusslee, it is hard to make conversatshun with him. Espeshully since he can't rilly talk too gud. I think mai visits are painful enuf for heem wifout talking abowt teh gud old days when we could chill. Whut nao?
Awkward cat
Dir Awkward,
Just becuz he can't talk too gud not mean u can't talk to heem. Tell heem abowt ur life, hao things going fur u, and so on. Keep heem in teh loop. Quit being such a wuss. And don't be a scaredy cat, afrayed of talking abowt teh past. Teh past is a comfort, let it blanket heem.
Dir Proody,
I am fat gay cat attracted to hawt gay cat. In spite of fact that we click reel gud, he can never luv me and I should give it up and sleenk back to teh closet of self-loathing, rite?
Big Gay Cat
Dir Big,
Owt of that fucking closet. Owt of that self-loathing. Owt into teh real world of hurt and fear and ambiguity. Owt into teh real world of excitement, fun and resiprokal affeckshun and unantissipated frizzons. Owt, owt and away from that fucking TeeVee.
Be u. Be gay. Be big, fat, byootiful cat.
And when ur banging that hot gay boicat, take sum fotos and hook a LOLcat advice columnist up, okay?
Dir Proody,
I am in the army. But this is not abowt me. It is abowt this other couple, also military. Mostly "Fluffy," teh wifeycat. She tell mai wifeycat abowt hao simple it iz to be robbing teh store she werks at. Everybody there duz it! Fluffy too! Maybe ... mai wifeycat wuz on a listserv and saw Fluffy selling stuff, frum teh store! We rat her owt, rite?
Since I'm military I must enforce all laws, rite?
Dir military,
I kno teh temptashun to play Team America: Werld Police iz killing u. But think of it this wai, u have an idea of her cat-rackter, that she cannot resist temptashun. So u kno to lock up teh silver bowls when she come to visit. If u want to fuck wif her, call teh owner and tell them they are getting ripped off and watch teh fur fly!
Dir Proody,
Mai grandfather is so sick! Has teh Alzheimers. Grandmothercat sai, "It too bad for all his kittehs in the genetic downstream. No fear fur u or ur daddicat, though! Hee hee hee!" Whut teh fuck, Proody?
Who dat is? Not my grandpacat?
Dir Who dat?
Mebbeh ur grandmothercat just losin it herself. Or mebbeh there is story to tell, of milkman and illissit secks and garbage cans by teh moonlite. Fact is, there is a trooth, but it not owt there. It in ur heart, in ur grandparentcats and unclecats and auntcats hearts. If u can hold to that trooth, u can ask qweschuns. If u lose site of that trooth, u will have problems. Nao mayke ur choice.
Dir Proody,
Mah ex-wifeycat is a psychokitteh and nao she stalking mah new gurlycat. Do I go to all teh naybors teh ex wrote anonymuss letters to and apologize personally or is that crass?
Etticat conchuss
Dir Etticat,
Mebbeh u both tayk owt restraining orders and get conseeled carry permits.
Dir Proody,
Mah sister, she haz a kitteh! But nao she want to leave teh home and go owt to an event. She will stay wif mah uther sister on teh wai. But a kitteh? In teh house? Mah sister need hur byootee sleeps! We wonder, hao u sai, "No way Jose" to sister wifout letting on that we don't want hur kitteh around evah?
No idea abowt kittehs at all
Dir no idea,
Wun friggin' nite, nuckleheds. Besides, are u not nockturnal?
Dir Proody,
I am young and spry, but I werk wif old farts who keep grabbing their guts and patting their bald hedz saying, "This whut happen when u finally get old!" Also mai mom got me mai job.
They all hayte me
Dir Hayte,
Yeah. Probably. Until u buy them alcohol at next office mixer. Trooly, u must buy off their hayte, if not buy their luv.
AND SO IT BEEGIN!
Dir Proody,
I go on teh internetz, get some roommates. Az we are cat, we iz anti-soshul with each other. BUT nao wun of them got herself nocked up wif a kitteh and iz smoking. She dumcat and also teh kittehdaddeh? Invisibul. I tell her she bad in note under teh door, rite?
Cregslist is for teh berdz
Dir Cregslist,
Uh, no u don't. U say, "If u need moar help wif teh aborshun I push u down stairs, okay? Half pak of smokes a dai is just enuf to get kitteh wif problems, not teh miscarriage u iz needin."
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh is speshul, in a leetle bit speshul Olimpix way. Teh Assburgers, she gots it. In spite of this, she is just like normal gurl wif teh birfday parties and the skool. But she was only kitteh in hur class who not get invite to this wun girl's birfday party. I go kill this rude kitteh and her dipshit parents nao?
Cougar mama
Dir Cougar,
Yes. U mai kill them nao. Why develop coping skillz, that whut I alwais say.
Dir Proody,
I am 30, married and I IZ IN HEAT SO BAD. But onlee for this one tomcat at werk. It okay if I lift my tail and show him my engorgements? PLEEZE HE SO KYUTE I WANNA DO HEEM ON TEH ZEEROCKS AND IN TEH OFFICE SUPPLY CLOSET! Also, wai he not coming on to me wen I am so obviouslee purrfect fur heem?
WANT TO BONE HEEM
Dir BONE,
U r asking mai permission for sumthing? U r cat, do whut u want if uther cat want. If ur husband no like it, he can go find sumone else to make it with, since he probably young and dumb laik u, too.
Dir Proody,
Mai frend do sum bad stuff, she in teh pound nao. Before she put in slammer, she give me two shoogur gliders to look after. And I did, lord hao I did. For a year. Tehn I ated wun. I told her it sick, but getting better. If I keep lying until she come owt, she won't wring my neck and have to go back in?
Shoogur gliders, not sweet akshually
Dir Not Sweet,
You iz dum. Tell her while she iz in teh slammer so the inishul wave of anger passes and u no have to wurry about that. Onlee have to wurry abowt teh building up of rayge over time.
Dir Proody,
I need an opurashun to haz teh secks, but teh dockters and mai mommicat keep saying: "Get a boifren and haf heem poke at u till u both get sick uv it." Hao I supposed to get poked by a tender lover when teh onlee wai peepul mai age get tender lovers iz to have teh hookup secks with them furst? And duh, I have been trying with all these different tomcats to get it going on. Duh.
Very small pussy
Dir Pussy,
I cannot beleeve those peepul r still alive. Wai u not gone all ninja on them? Find real pussy dockter, too! Get whut u know u need and quitcherbitchin to me!
Dir Proody,
Mai daddicat had a stroke and nao cannot do hardly anithing but sit around and wayte to die. Obviusslee, it is hard to make conversatshun with him. Espeshully since he can't rilly talk too gud. I think mai visits are painful enuf for heem wifout talking abowt teh gud old days when we could chill. Whut nao?
Awkward cat
Dir Awkward,
Just becuz he can't talk too gud not mean u can't talk to heem. Tell heem abowt ur life, hao things going fur u, and so on. Keep heem in teh loop. Quit being such a wuss. And don't be a scaredy cat, afrayed of talking abowt teh past. Teh past is a comfort, let it blanket heem.
Dir Proody,
I am fat gay cat attracted to hawt gay cat. In spite of fact that we click reel gud, he can never luv me and I should give it up and sleenk back to teh closet of self-loathing, rite?
Big Gay Cat
Dir Big,
Owt of that fucking closet. Owt of that self-loathing. Owt into teh real world of hurt and fear and ambiguity. Owt into teh real world of excitement, fun and resiprokal affeckshun and unantissipated frizzons. Owt, owt and away from that fucking TeeVee.
Be u. Be gay. Be big, fat, byootiful cat.
And when ur banging that hot gay boicat, take sum fotos and hook a LOLcat advice columnist up, okay?
Dir Proody,
I am in the army. But this is not abowt me. It is abowt this other couple, also military. Mostly "Fluffy," teh wifeycat. She tell mai wifeycat abowt hao simple it iz to be robbing teh store she werks at. Everybody there duz it! Fluffy too! Maybe ... mai wifeycat wuz on a listserv and saw Fluffy selling stuff, frum teh store! We rat her owt, rite?
Since I'm military I must enforce all laws, rite?
Dir military,
I kno teh temptashun to play Team America: Werld Police iz killing u. But think of it this wai, u have an idea of her cat-rackter, that she cannot resist temptashun. So u kno to lock up teh silver bowls when she come to visit. If u want to fuck wif her, call teh owner and tell them they are getting ripped off and watch teh fur fly!
Dir Proody,
Mai grandfather is so sick! Has teh Alzheimers. Grandmothercat sai, "It too bad for all his kittehs in the genetic downstream. No fear fur u or ur daddicat, though! Hee hee hee!" Whut teh fuck, Proody?
Who dat is? Not my grandpacat?
Dir Who dat?
Mebbeh ur grandmothercat just losin it herself. Or mebbeh there is story to tell, of milkman and illissit secks and garbage cans by teh moonlite. Fact is, there is a trooth, but it not owt there. It in ur heart, in ur grandparentcats and unclecats and auntcats hearts. If u can hold to that trooth, u can ask qweschuns. If u lose site of that trooth, u will have problems. Nao mayke ur choice.
Dir Proody,
Mah ex-wifeycat is a psychokitteh and nao she stalking mah new gurlycat. Do I go to all teh naybors teh ex wrote anonymuss letters to and apologize personally or is that crass?
Etticat conchuss
Dir Etticat,
Mebbeh u both tayk owt restraining orders and get conseeled carry permits.
Dir Proody,
Mah sister, she haz a kitteh! But nao she want to leave teh home and go owt to an event. She will stay wif mah uther sister on teh wai. But a kitteh? In teh house? Mah sister need hur byootee sleeps! We wonder, hao u sai, "No way Jose" to sister wifout letting on that we don't want hur kitteh around evah?
No idea abowt kittehs at all
Dir no idea,
Wun friggin' nite, nuckleheds. Besides, are u not nockturnal?
Dir Proody,
I am young and spry, but I werk wif old farts who keep grabbing their guts and patting their bald hedz saying, "This whut happen when u finally get old!" Also mai mom got me mai job.
They all hayte me
Dir Hayte,
Yeah. Probably. Until u buy them alcohol at next office mixer. Trooly, u must buy off their hayte, if not buy their luv.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
From My LOLcats
Dir Proody,
When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?
Scaredy Cat
Dir Scaredy,
Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.
Dir Proody,
OMG MAH KITTEH SAW ME AND HUBBICAT HAVIN TEH SECKS! WHUT I DO NAO? HAO I KEEP MAH BEHBEH OFF TEH SHRINK'S SOFA??!! ALSO WE WERE TOTES GOING AT IT AEROBIKALLY.
ZOMG CAT
Dir ZOMG,
Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.
Dir Proody,
Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?
Replikating a pattern
Dir Pattern,
Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?
Dir Proody,
I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?
Clueless
Dir Clueless,
No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?
When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?
Scaredy Cat
Dir Scaredy,
Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.
Dir Proody,
OMG MAH KITTEH SAW ME AND HUBBICAT HAVIN TEH SECKS! WHUT I DO NAO? HAO I KEEP MAH BEHBEH OFF TEH SHRINK'S SOFA??!! ALSO WE WERE TOTES GOING AT IT AEROBIKALLY.
ZOMG CAT
Dir ZOMG,
Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.
Dir Proody,
Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?
Replikating a pattern
Dir Pattern,
Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?
Dir Proody,
I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?
Clueless
Dir Clueless,
No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
From My LOLcats
From here, of course -- Spacey
Dir Proody,
I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.
I declayr jihad on her?
Dir Jihad,
Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.
R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?
Dir Proody,
I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)
Young and in LUV
Dir Young,
Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.
Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."
That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.
Dir Proody,
I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?
Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike
Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,
If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?
Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.
Dir Proody,
Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?
Movees, I kno them
Dir Movees,
If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.
I alreddy kinda haytes u.
Proody owt.
Dir Proody,
I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.
I declayr jihad on her?
Dir Jihad,
Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.
R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?
Dir Proody,
I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)
Young and in LUV
Dir Young,
Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.
Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."
That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.
Dir Proody,
I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?
Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike
Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,
If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?
Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.
Dir Proody,
Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?
Movees, I kno them
Dir Movees,
If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.
I alreddy kinda haytes u.
Proody owt.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Massive LOLcat Attack threatens to collapse Teh Internetz
Wut I can say? I can haz a meowment to pawntifikate. -- Proody Cat.
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?
I not put loshun on skin!
Dir Loshun,
So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?
Split cat-sonality
Dir Split,
Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?
Dawg owning cat
Dir, um, exkyooz me?
I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.
WTF, Proody
Dir Proody,
Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!
Math pedagogee book writer
Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,
Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?
Cat scratch fever,
Dir Fever,
It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.
Think abowt it,
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?
P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???
I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing
Dir psychokitteh,
If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.
Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.
Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?
Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?
Dir no job,
It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?
Spazzin owt over here
Dir Spaz,
Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?
I not put loshun on skin!
Dir Loshun,
So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?
Split cat-sonality
Dir Split,
Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?
Dawg owning cat
Dir, um, exkyooz me?
I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.
WTF, Proody
Dir Proody,
Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!
Math pedagogee book writer
Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,
Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?
Cat scratch fever,
Dir Fever,
It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.
Think abowt it,
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?
P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???
I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing
Dir psychokitteh,
If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.
Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.
Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?
Proody
Dir Proody,
I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?
Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?
Dir no job,
It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?
Spazzin owt over here
Dir Spaz,
Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.
Proody.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
From My LOLcats -- extra big edition
Note frum Proody -- I haf been gone too long. Mai gift to u, dubble LOLcats! U mai worship me nao!
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!
Normal and laikin it
Dir Normal,
Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?
I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward
Dir Awkward,
Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?
Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid
Dir Paranoid,
Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!
Dir Proody,
I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?
Purina, u got it in ur teeth
Dir Purina,
U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.
-----
Dir Proody,
I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?
No Viagra Necessary
Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),
When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?
Cupidiot
Dir Cupidiot,
U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?
Smarticat
Dir Smarticat,
Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.
Dir Proody,
Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?
Catbot
Dir Catbot,
If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!
Normal and laikin it
Dir Normal,
Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.
Proody.
Dir Proody,
Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?
I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward
Dir Awkward,
Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?
Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid
Dir Paranoid,
Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!
Dir Proody,
I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?
Purina, u got it in ur teeth
Dir Purina,
U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.
-----
Dir Proody,
I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?
No Viagra Necessary
Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),
When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.
Proody
Dir Proody,
I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?
Cupidiot
Dir Cupidiot,
U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.
Proody
Dir Proody,
Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?
Smarticat
Dir Smarticat,
Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.
Dir Proody,
Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?
Catbot
Dir Catbot,
If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!
Proody.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
From My Orbit
As per usual, read the letters here.
LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.
I'll give you a one word answer: No.
This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.
But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.
Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?
Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.
And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.
LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.
So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.
LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.
Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?
Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.
But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.
LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?
How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.
But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.
Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")
Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.
BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.
LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.
I'll give you a one word answer: No.
This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.
But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.
Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?
Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.
And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.
LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.
So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.
LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.
Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?
Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.
But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.
LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?
How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.
But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.
Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")
Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.
BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.
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