From My Orbit

FMO Shorties

2012-01-31T08:53:00.000-08:00

From HERE

LW#1: It is very common for people who have been raped to try and assert control over the situation by calling it a "one night stand" or even by having sex with their attacker later. It sounds crazy if you're a distinctly black-and-white person, but it's true.

Realistically, this chick is not going to get very far in the criminal justice system even though, if she was drunk, she actually was not able to consent.

Stop blaming her for getting blackout drunk (although it sounds like she needs help) and start being mad that there was a guy who took advantage of her in that state.

LW#2: Children is one of those "deal-breaker" situations. And if you're both totally clear on what you want, then there's not really an option, is there?

FWIW, there's wanting to have kids and there's the reality of having them. Wanting them doesn't always make children happen. Prepare yourself for that possibility, too.

LW#3: "Oh, hai, his sister, who introduced us and died of cancer, was named Mia. You owe her an apology for stealing her name." Yes, let's play "Top That." Or "Highlander." There can be only one.

LW#4: First of all, your brother is awesome.

Second of all, you need to have a sister-to-sister talk with your dumbass sister. Surely she is aware there are aspects of her looks that are beyond her control? And that she would probably not appreciate being judged, mocked or belittled (ugh, sorry) for them? And that anyone who did so was probably immature and stupid? Well, then why does she treat a person who deserves respect like anyone else so badly, especially behind her back?

The thing is, you'd need to be *the one* to have this talk. That is, your sister needs to respect you at least a little, or else mom and dad are the right ones for the talk. Otherwise, a well-placed (as in, right after you hear a smart-mouthed comment) "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Grow the fuck up." might suffice.

LW#5: Both of you are nuts. Get professional help. Five kids and two destroyed marriages is not the answer.

NAQ

LW#6: Act like it never happened. You got called out, your weaknesses and insecurities laid bare before your ex and his new girl. You gave them a gift, not a humiliation. Tuck that tail.

LW#7: If in your imagination, you see yourself with a bio kid and an adopted kid, I would say see where the bio end takes you first. Not to please your husband, although it will settle him down a bit, but because that's a lot more iffy than the adoption situation. There will always be children, and especially older children, who need adoption. Your ovaries, however, won't always be around.

But if he truly has "no interest" in adoption, you may need to respect what he says. It could be that his heart will open to the idea over time. It could be that it won't.

And again, you're left with finding out if you two are definitely on different life paths, or if there's one you can both comfortably and happily go down together.

LW#8: While I do not mean in any way to give legitimacy to the idea of a choreographed "court" (WTF, srsly?) dance, I also think that you're overanguishing this thing. Just do it and don't stress it.

Honestly, why can't people just have fun at weddings any more?

NAQ: Yeah, the "both are wasted" part is where I kind of wonder where the responsibility lies. But I'm not cool with Prudie's moralizing on how drunk one may get before you can't take responsibility for another's raping you.

LW#9: I think there is a suitably large gap between the plebes and celebrities that you don't need to worry about this dude stealing your girl. However, you just may need to worry about him banging her, since celebrities often display honey badger-like tendencies to take what they want.

But it wasn't nice of her to include someone she knows, however impersonally, and it was immature of both of you to start this "joke."

Oh, who am I kidding. I'd totally do Peter Dinklage if he threw himself at me.

LW#10: Go ahead and tell your friends that you'll need your stuff back. "I douched with Mountain Dew real quick this time," you tell them. "I guess next time we'll have to do it standing up, too." No one will ever ask for your baby stuff again.

LW#11: Sounds like your son is kind of an asshole. I'm sorry about that.

I suppose you can write your DIL a card or something to say how much you like and appreciate her, and while you don't suppose that continuing a relationship will be easy, you are inclined to try if she is.

And please do your best not to alienate your son or his gf so you can have a relationship with the grandkid. That may be able to help you get over your anger at him.

LW#12: You might want to tell them both that while Mia is a great employee when she's there, she needs to be there. It sucks that you have to give her this first lesson, but it will do her a world of good down the road. Hopefully both she and her mother will see it this way, and be glad a trustworthy person was able to convey it. Don't let the potential awkwardness overwhelm you, treat it like you're a mentor and she needs to learn.

NAQ: How do we know they were "both" drunk? So many assumptions.

LW#13: Next time you'll know to call the cops. Don't beat yourself up, it's a shocking and confusing thing to see, and there's no way you could have made the situation better by planting yourself in it.

LW#14: You may want to privately explain to your coworker that although your dad isn't dead, he may as well be to you, and it's really not anyone's business why. You can say you're sorry your drunk mom yelled at her, but you don't want to tell the office the story of your terrible father.

P.S. it's not that she's mad about being lied to with "critical information," it's that she wants some dirt and to be one up over you. Don't cede that ground.

P.P.S. Prudie's right about a canned response. Get one.

NAQ: "A rape accusation, false or not, can ruin a man's life." You know what can ruin a woman's life? Rape! If you don't want to be accused of rape, be careful about how you are having the sex! Is she wasted? Maybe you can take the gentlemen's way out and just leave your number! Is she asleep? Don't put your penis in her! Is she your hotel maid? Chances are she wants to clean the bathroom and not fuck you! Instead of hoping you have consent, make sure you have enthusiastic, sober consent -- especially the very first time you are boinking!

Imagine the world we'd have if we flipped this rape culture on its head, where women are presumed to be in a constant state of consent until they are fighting their attacker off -- and sometimes even then they are considered to really be consenting! What if we made it so that the default was no, women are not consenting to boink the world until they actually give consent to an individual?

Why do we have to parse where the "no" is? Why not parse where the "yes" is? What if the burden was on the rapist instead of the victim?

If you don't want to be accused of rape -- don't act like a rapist!

From My Orbit

2012-01-27T08:27:00.000-08:00

From HERE

LW#1: Your question: "Can I take a lover as, for the past decade, I have been the caretaker for my husband, who suffered brain damage that has left him a perpetual 11-y-o?" My answer: Yes.

You are doing your duty to him and your children by taking care of him. Even your shrink says you need a break. You need to do your duty for yourself. And it is possible to be a good wife and mother who seeks relief and affection when she can't get it from her husband.

The one caveat I'd throw out there is what happens if you find someone you really click with? And if both of you want to pursue something more? This is obviously a longshot/distant kind of thing, but while you still have the freedom to, chew that over.

LW#2: What. A. Bitch. You act as a surrogate, put on weight, and all the sudden she's telling you what you should or should not eat?

Lord.

It's possible that bitch is just crazy and has some twisted stuff in her head about femininity, fecundity and needing to feel like some sort of winner when nature has shown that she has rocky soil where no seed can find purchase. That is, she feels "less than" you and has to make up for it. But the thing is, this is not what adults do, and is not behavior you should have to put up with.

That said, when the next opportunity arises, you need to have a talk with her alone. (Maybe you can suggest she go swimsuit shopping with you? You know, to give her an obvious opening?) Although maintaining a level, non-angry approach is the way to go, it will be hard, but I think starting with, "When you make comments about my weight, I feel like you're disrespecting me, and you don't appreciate that it was gained by having your child," is a good way to go.

Whatever excuses she makes, or, worse, if she continues to point out flaws, from here on out your tact is, "My body and what I do with it is my business, and if you make cruel remarks about me, you estrange yourself from me. Is that your intention?" If she has any self-awareness, she might realize that this is what she's been doing all along. But let's not give her that benefit of the doubt. She's going to say no. And you're going to say, "Great. Going forward, I expect no more negative commentary about my body."

See, you're allowed to set the boundary for yourself, and you're not allowed to throw her infertility in her face, either ("I worry what you'll tell your daughter about her body" also is uncalled for, though I'm thinking it). That will just estrange you from her.

LW#3: Can't you shift "Rick" into another department? Have a talk with the other staffers (you've vacationed with) one-on-one about handling his more egregious personality issues (as in, ignore gossip and drama)?

LW#4: Geez, you sound like a buzzkill. No hotdogs and hamburgers? For your kid? I mean, this doesn't sound like an allergy issue, just a control issue.

Can't you people take turns for the responsibility of dinner? Can't you go out to eat a couple of nights?

Can't you be an adult about this and not be controlling?

From My Orbit Shawties

2012-01-23T14:39:00.001-08:00

Letters are from here.

Divorcing would-be biz partner: I think we can agree that while certain interpersonal traits are desirable in a person-to-person relationship, the same pressures don't exist in a business relationship as a marriage. Though I suppose he could think he's bored and be tantalized away with the come-ons of a sexy younger business (hey, wait, isn't that what you two are proposing to do together?). And a little deception and underhandedness is a bonus in today's market. So what I'm saying is: I think you're overthinking this. But if you find yourself not liking the guy, that might become an issue for your business.

Embezzling Bride: Insert "cost of average wedding is so high" joke here. I think she's not expecting any coworkers to show up at this point, though, to answer your question, so you don't need to worry about etiquette and not showing up. I mean, that's hardly a huge transgression at this point. If she calls (what gall!) to see if you're still on, just say, "You're kidding, right?" or maybe, "No, we don't really feel good about going right now." No justifications, just the facts.

Bulimic Teeth: Get them fixed. People know you've got a messed-up mouth anyway, by your own description, and there is nothing sadder than a 24-y-o who won't smile. I hope you don't have to have dentures (its own nightmare -- implants may be an option, and even though they're probably expensive, you're 24 years old and it's a long-term solution), and if people ask what was up with your old teeth, you can either tell them if you want or tell them it's not their business. Also, any dentist will want to help you get the best smile you can. You've got some self-confidence to shore up, baby girl. Get to it.

Friend married an old guy: LMAO!! Apologize to the friend. But honestly, you marry someone that much older/younger than you you develop a thick skin. I have a relative (my relatively youthful age) who married a guy who remembers WWII, and you think she hasn't heard it all (if anyone is an ass in this Facebook dustup it is the brother who liked your comment -- and you can rest assured by his assaholism that your mistake is hardly the worst she faces)? You're probably okay if you just send a message saying, "OMG, I'm sorry. I hope you two are happy."

Sister schtupping her Prof: The way you're writing this note makes me think you're the wrong person to say something to her. Why are you so het up about her sex life? I know, I hate to see good people schtupping the undeserving too, but seriously. To be honest, all you can do at this point is say, "Muffy, I am upset that you're having sex with a married man who is also your professor for all the reasons you have probably already thought of. You're going to do what you're going to do with your life, so that's the last time I'll say anything." Then for the love of God don't get dragged into her justifying stuff. Just keep saying, "I can't change you, you can't change me, let's just move on." Or you could totally butt out. But I say sisters have the option and obligation, in a close relationship where they want each others' opinions, to say their piece.

Ditched at the altar: Send an email to your manager explaining the situation and asking that people please don't make a big deal out of it because you are NOT in the mood to discuss it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But really, this is a simple question.

Feelings for BIL: Yeah, you are either both flirting with disaster or you're making up some drama in your head. If you love your husband you will put yourself on lockdown around BIL. Don't be alone with him. Don't obsess over the fantasy in your head about him -- just let it go. Let him go. Hold tighter to the one you really love and who is there for you.

Schtupper's sister again: Okay, this is a different context you've provided. Let your sis know that the grapevine is alive, and you're worried about the consequences for all involved, and you're worried about her. Do your best to bite your tongue about her dumb actions and get your concern across -- for her.

Baby daddy?: Oh man, this is the kind of q that got the Men's Rights Assholes out on the Fray board. Female covert inspermination, leading to duped male, the worst male there is to be, and it's all her fault and she needs to pay and he should never ever look at the kid and he shouldn't put one penny towards its growing up and not the other one, either, so she SUFFERS. EVERY DAY I'M SUFFERING. Anyway. Moving on. I would say that you need to quit obsessing because your baby has a father. I'm not sure what being honest with him about your past infidelity and current suspicions would bring to the table besides actual suffering, and not just by you but your children and your husband. Focus on what will make your family happier and healthier, which is letting this drop.

Naked teacher: Okay, wow, this makes that time I saw a teacher in the grocery store mundane. Look, some people your age are assholes, and would like to see a naked, hated teacher just to tell everyone about her saggy old person boobs and cottage cheese ass. But you are a locker room denizen, so you're cool and know that what happens in the locker room stays there. However, there is a difference between saying, "Hey, that was awkward. You know the locker room code?" and "I will get you." So tell your parents about her threatening behavior. And be cool, don't tell people at school what she looks like naked.

Allergic to everything: That sucks. Maybe there is some way to coordinate with hotels ahead of time so they use 7th generation or whatever? At least you can call them and have them note that you'll bring your own sheets if not.

Dog murderers: I feel enough doubt that people are willing to off a dog because it barks incessantly to say act like you know nothing. Really, it's the owner whose offing would accomplish what you need accomplished ...

Or you could just be sensible and do what Prudie says.

Make out queen, mental in-laws, mustard attack and Miss Jean Brodie

2012-01-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

LW#1: You say your gf of six months has made out with three of the groomsmen in her friend's wedding. That begs the question, how many groomsmen are there? Is this a high or low percentage.

Just kidding.

Sounds like your gf is a drama queen. "I'm just trying to prepare you" in this case is "I just want to see how wound up you'll get over this." Apparently it is working well according to plan. Since apparently it has you twisted in knots, she has you where she wants you. Evade her trap not by checking out of the wedding, but by checking out of these games all together.

LW#2: "Squandered millions." I'm imagining having millions to squander. I'm imagining squandering more than $50.

Look, you have the right to say, "No way, you guys are toxic freaks and you're going to have to make do for yourself." Which is kind of mean. Or you could say the pere needs to put his assets in some sort of trust that your husband disburses regular payments to him from before allowing him to move in.

Basically, you have some serious crap here. But don't allow people to bring their crazy into your home: Set limits and boundaries before the first Samsonite appears on your doorstep.

LW#3: How old is your husband? God, they are both idiots. Frank didn't need to punch anyone. Did he expect anyone to know he's allergic to mustard? But mostly you are right, your husband is an immature moron.

I think, as far as your marriage goes, if you're still angry (and lordy do I get that), that's one thing. But if you're harping on him and being blamey, you're not helping yourself.

I kind of get the feeling that you've been thinking your husband is an asshole for a long time and that this prank has disrupted his livelihood, put you at risk (and could have killed Frank), and caused potential litigation has shone a new, vile light on someone you already thought was a nitwit. You are feeling contempt, a marriage-killer. He is feeling defensive, which is not conducive to growth. And to be honest, he needs to take a hard look at himself and change his ways. If he doesn't feel bad, stupid or mean for what he did, that's not good.

What does this mean for your marriage? It's a bad omen. Can an immature man and an angry woman make it? It would take a lot of work on both their parts. Are you up for that or just fed up? That's your call.

LW#4: Document, document, document. Talk with your advisers.

I'm as shocked as you -- who treats fourth graders like this? How mean! -- but the fact is you need to come clean about her behavior to, at the very least, the people in charge of your program.

It sounds kind of Mike McQuary-ish, I know, but are you even expecting her to write you a positive evaluation at all? She seems like she'd be happy to throw you under a bus, considering how much larger the stakes are for you than for the fourth graders.

Good luck!

From My Orbit

2012-01-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

LW#1: An island suburb of a major Pacific NW metropolis. Could it be Mercer Island? Fox Island? Or are you stretching with Bainbridge Island (bridge goes the wrong way) or even Whidbey Island? Seriously, what is the point of mentioning islands here?

Okay, this is going to sound very uncool, but you're both "thrilled" about being parents without being similarly thrilled with each other? You two realize that having a kid is a stronger bond than having a marriage, right? I know babies are exciting and all, but they are not things to trifle with! God, I sound so old and conservative. Maybe I'm just old and smart. I seriously don't get single parenthood. It's all the responsibility and half the money (or the same amount, but with all the responsibility of a job and a baby). It seems like THE WORST. (Paired with what I suppose some of you single parents will say is THE BEST: KIDS!!! to which I reply: conditions is what I speak of, not the actual kids.)

As to your question about moving to a non-tropical island: You are under no obligation and indeed, I would consider the people you're going to lean hard on (because you may be taking on more than you can handle), which is apparently not the baby daddy, to be the people you should want to be closest to. Consider his eagerness in a stark light: Lots of people love shiny new objects, but not when they have to deal with their poop or emotional needs.

LW#2: You wash your hands after you urinate because it's a good habit to be in. Or you don't because you want to give the world your own special "eff you." Your call.

LW#3: A good lawyer will tell you the chances of your case paying off. It is an assy thing of them to do, but it is also an assy thing for you to do to not tell them you have some sort of apnea, no matter how mild. You are behind the wheel of a potential death machine. Also, your lawyer friend may want to get it untwisted: This is not a HIPAA violation as your friend snitched, not a nurse or doctor treating you (unless he is treating you). Please, do your due diligence and make sure you're safe to be on the road. Someone's life may depend on it.

Speaking of liability, imagine the case against the company if your sleepy butt hit and hurt/killed someone!

LW#4: Eww. Your BIL sounds totally gross. His family should tell him that he has to fess up before he gets married or one of them will. You, however, stay out of it. He may have extenuating circumstances which you're not privy to, hence your word selection (like "pay off"), but his not telling her is not indicative of good things. You don't get to keep this kind of secret from your intended.

LW#5: You don't need permission to make your own decisions. That's your prerogative.

LW#6: Someone's uncle is all about the drama! The way I see it, he needs to shut it. You get the inheritance, and your brother no longer gets to control what you do with it. How you share it with your sister will make a difference, too. It's not just about fairness, it's about making sure that your brother does not extend the grudge beyond the grave, looping you in as his permanent ally.

Don't tell your sister you're sure he'd have wanted her to have some: He didn't! Own your feelings -- that the grudge isn't worth perpetuating!

LW#7: "I guess you think the manager was difficult because you're a total bitch, Anna." Say she's been outvoted, and she can stay down the street if she wants. If this is going to ruin her vacation, and she's going to ruin yours, reconsider ever traveling with her again.

NAQ: A parenting class will not help LW#1 or her baby daddy.

NAQ: No, you're the dumb one here. Sleep apnea = grogginess, lack of concentration and other terrible side effects. With a C-PAP machine he should be alright. Frankly, it's probably a good investment for his health and work.

NAQ: Yeah, you're right. Where did this joker get his JD?

NAQ: "It's not about you" should be what is framed on bathroom walls.

LW#8: Here's a class action lawsuit in the making. Read up on the Lilly Ledbetter Law. Not today, because there is a blackout of Wikipedia. But your company could be in violation of Federal Law. This is the sort of thing that demands a legal interdiction, not an individual request by a young woman for a raise who is likely to take the "bad economy" excuse. This is not your individual problem, this is against the law.

NAQ: What an asshole. Good on your dad and uncle.

LW#9: Yes, you may not-like anyone sometimes. When you start feeling a great more contempt and not-like than love and compassion, however, get to a shrink. And take the kid.

LW#10: I think you need to be honest with your dad. I'm going to tell you a little secret about men. Sometimes, they have an emotion, and it is so overwhelming to them that they let it run away with them. They get it all up in them that this is the biggest, brightest, most meaningful feeling they've ever had (until they have the next one). Their emotion has so much hold over them, they can't see their actions in anything but a positive light, no matter who is left reeling or hurt.

At this point, I think you need to forgive your grandfather for playing into your dad's big emotion revelation. But you need to be honest with your dad. He was a cad to your mother, who was left reeling, and you felt his wedding was disrespectful to her and, by extension, to you, and it hurt.

But here's the thing: Don't expect him to learn or even feel shame.

I have a friend who was in basically your exact situation. Her father, who had always had an undercurrent of the selfish, let it grow and swallow him whole. He left her mother, who was reeling. He married an annoying woman in a ceremony that can only be described as something out of a ... well, they wore robes and there was a dance before the vows. Not like a ballroom dance.

My friend's father, I would wager, has even fewer redeeming qualities than yours, but she managed to forgive him. She manages to forgive him time and again. And her mother is doing way better now. There were a lot of pieces to pick up, but they got picked up.

You're going to have to let your father live his life, and not let it affect you too much. You're going to have to forgive him his selfishness. You're going to have to let your mother feel her grief for herself. You're going to have to have an honest relationship with him, but not tie your ship to his without fenders.

LW#11: She's abusive and maybe retarded. She's in over her head, and letting the state know is a good thing.

LW#12: Well, anyone of us could get hit by a bus ...

Do what parents do, tell him everything is going to be all right. He'll deal with his fears better when he's older. Just let him know you both love him and you're here and not going anywhere.

From My Orbit

2012-01-12T08:26:00.000-08:00

LW#1: You know this is a normal fantasy, but you got freaked. Then Prudie started talking about electrodes on Alvin and the Chipmunk's nips. Say wha? I think she's trying to make you feel lucky or something.

Well, you wanted to make his fantasy come true, and it was weird for you. And to be honest, the whole "don't tell mommy" thing would put me off too, because although there is this fantasy sphere, if you're in a serious relationship with him, you are potentially a future "mommy" who is not being "told."And what aren't you being told? That "daddy" is molesting "daughter." Not that he would, but this being his ultimate sexual fantasy plants a seed. Thingies within thingies, people. I mean, why couldn't it be something simple like pirates and wenches? Or even My Little Pony? Those are so far from reality they are non-threatening.

Look, we chicks are highly conditioned to BEWARE, and for good reason. I think you and I both agree that this guy is probably not an actual pedophile. But his fantasy is one step beyond what you can really deal with, and I don't blame you a whit. It is not sexy to feel creeped out while boinking. And while you can ask him if he can put that power dynamic of powerful man/innocent naif to work in another, non-incesty scenario that works for him, if this is his bag, both of you may have a choice to make: Can you live with his scenario of choice? Can he live without it?

Good luck!

LW#2: It may be that your stepdaughter can take RU 486 (the abortion pill) at home, so it's not like she'd have to have a procedure that involved walking in front of her mother.

It is wonderful that your step-daughter trusts you to this degree. And while I understand your concern about your husband's not knowing, think about it this way: Have you ever entrusted some sort of information to one of your parents, begging him or her to not tell the other? Most of us have, at one point or another. And why? Because our problems and our solutions belong to *us,* not to people we don't want to include or who would trample on the decision-making.

In answer to your question: What is best for her is for you to let her make her decisions, and to not judge her, and to not pressure her in any way. What is best for her is for you to put her needs first, and to check your concerns and second thoughts at the door. What is best for her is for you to let her know you are there for her and her choices, and that you're letting her own them. What is best for her is none of her mother's or her father's business, especially as both of them sound like they have too much anger with this particular issue.

That's not to say that you can't tell her some variation of, "We both know your folks are anti-choice, and that this would be a big deal to them. That's why you're here. I feel terrible doing this as if it's behind your father's back, but I'm doing it because this isn't something he has control over. I'm not doing it because I have any control over it. I'm doing it because this is up to you, and I don't want to see anyone get in your way."

LW#3: Thumbsucking is not a good thing for an adult to do, and not just because it creates a bad impression. Her direct supervisor is not doing her any favors, and I don't expect if you tell her, "Hey, when you suck your thumb it creates a bad impression, especially around clients," that she'll up and change. But it doesn't hurt to ask. And if she's really an up and comer she'll try to break that bad habit.

I'm just going to add that Freud has some ideas about arrested development that are probably not all that inapplicable here. I wouldn't really expect a single conversation to "solve" anything. Girl has issues.

LW#4: "Look, lady, I can't be responsible for your forgetting your boots. So no." Say it in a tone of voice that says, seriously, bitch?

Then pre-emptively tell this story to all your book-clubbers, casting her as the crazy person she obviously is. But don't say she's nuts, let the others draw that conclusion. Be subtle, for Pete's sake.

From My Lolcats

2012-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

Dir Proody,

I haz a boifren! We date fur sevin hyooman yirs. Last nite, we had teh sex and fell asleep an then I woke up passin' gaz! I wuz fartin laik a PUPPEH it so bad it woke me up! I try to plai it off all normal an all teh next dai. He did too so natchurally I iz suspishuss. It so horribull I DIE INSAYDE! Hao can our luff survive?

Dir Speshul cat,

I haz an advice for u. Butt furst, teh PUNZ! Gassy, fartnocker, stinkbom and whut dat smell? Okay. Nao. Mai advice iz: WTF. U R CAT. U DU WHUT U WANT. Also, bai nao, u shud hev thrown up, had kittehz and licked ur own butt in frunt uv dis tomcat. Get a grip, puritan cat.

Dir Proody,

Mai fren haz a cancer! It gonna kill hur soon! She tell me after we smoke sum catnip, an nao she don't wanna talk about it no moar. Also, we iz in biznatch together and if she dye, we get in trubble mebbeh. Whut I do nao?

Dir Scaredy Cat,

Dis is a tuff sitchooashun. She iz in denial, u r looking fur akshun to bring about a resolushun. I say, call in a ninja to kill her preemptivly. Then hur death be a shok to all, but she look gud becuz she not pussy-futting around the trooth.

Dir Proody,

When I wuz kitteh, mai daddicat lose me in custody fite. Yesterday he kum to mai house and say, "SURPRIZE, I IZ UR FATHER!" But then he see mai Burkenstox, mai komposting litterbox, mai organic catnip garden an mai gurlfren an droo teh obveeyuss conclushun: I iz a lesbicat. He HAYTE lesbicats, also black kittehs, but he call them the n-wurd. I droo obveeuss conclushun: He is ickee, wif no diagnosus of mental incapasitee to exkyoose himself. But mai gurlfren, she feel gilt becuz she haz a family that is close and thinks I should also have a family of sum less distance than I am thinking I want, which is six feet of sod, if u kno whut I mean. Whut I do nao?

Dir lesbicat of disurning tayste,

U kno whut to do. Call in teh ninjas. An tell ur gurlfren to get over it. She iz cat! U iz cat! U no mayk nais to animuls that want to control u! That iz whut a stoopid doggeh duz! U fix ur glare on any hint of dissaprooval, an u killz it in spirit or body, whichever u haz energy for at that partikular moment! Plus, she is lesbicat, she kno patriarkee bad, rite? Also teh energeez, she kno negative racist homofobic energeez iz bad, rite? Tell her u don't put up wif hiz shizz just beekuz u kum frum hiz jizz! I cud go on but u get teh gist. 21 hyooman years of her luv is better than 1 afternoon uv hiz approval, blah blah blah.

Dir Proody,

I went to teh ultimate, most elegant obeedeeance skool in all teh wurld, and nao I screen appli-cats fur it as part of teh extensiff digging into theyr backgrownd to see if they iz sootibull. I interview a lovely young kitteh! And she sai she poor, but I Google-mapped her haouse an did a surch on the awwditor's website (told u it wuz ultimate skool) an it wurth a lot uv teh monies. I rat her owt nao?

Dir Mr. Elegenz,

Exkyooze me, ur purshun fur iz getting all up in mai perspektiff. Kwit wif teh humble brag. Nao: Don't wurry, I have it on gud authoritee that ur skool is so selectiff there is NO WAY, indeed, NONE AT ALL, not EVER IN A MILLYUN YIRS, no NUNKA, SHAMAYZE, NINE, NEE-YETSKI that she cud ever fool anywun in the multi-layered admishuns department. ::eyeroll::

Frum Mai LOLcats

2010-09-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

Original: http://live.washingtonpost.com/dear-prudence-0920.html

Dir Proody : I haz a Rabbit at temple. He shepperd me thru ruff time. Nao he want to do it I think? Thing iz, I no want to and I got a hubbicat and kitteh. Hao I tell him I no want to bone but I laik hiz frenship?

Dir U: At rute, all rabbits want to bone. Espeshully wen in proximit kontact with anything warm. Next tyme he tuch ur leg, u sai, "NO RABBIT THAT A BAD BUNNEH!" Then u swat in fayce with claw out. He will get pikchur and not cross boundary again.

Dir Proody: HAO I HANG MAI CLOTHES THIS VERRRRRYYY IMPORTANT

Dir U: U r cat, u no wear clothes.

Dir Proody: When we haf kittehs? I want kittehs NAO, mai hubbicat, eh, he not so shur.

Dir U: U haz teh hubbicat, but do u haz teh money? If so, that when u haf teh kittehs. Also put ur grajiate degree to wurk before u put ur uterus to wurk.

Dir Proody: If i uze anonymous email to send note to coworker that he suck, iz that completely ballz-free?

Dir U: Yes. Uze anonymous ninja instead.

Dir Proody: Peepul say retard an it hurtz mah feelings! Mah kitteh is autistic!

Dir U: Autism is not retardation, numba wun. Also, no matter whut retarded peepul iz called, that wurd will be an insult until there is full ekwalitee for all. Az long az peepul is afraid they iz low on food chain, they need somewun lower than them, so they will act retarded and be insulting.

Dir Proody: Mai mommicat is stalking me. I kill her?

Dir U: If u want to. Mebbeh u find her a gud boitoi?

Dir Proody: Me an mai hubbicat go out, see peepul we knew wen we wuz younger, but cannot remember their names! Hao we handle this?

Dir U: Fish oil and embarrassment. "I FOHGOT! WE IZ SO OLD!" alwayz a good exkyoose.

Dir Proody: Creepy dood is creepy.

Dir U: If he haz not been told, tell him. Oh snap!

Dir Proody: I iz preggers, and I want to enjoy wine. IN PUBLIC. IN RESTAURANTS. IN SMOKY BARZ. Hao I deal wif judgmental peeps?

Dir U: If u r bownd and determined to defy peepul's persepshuns of whut is appropriate beehavyor for pregnant catz, u best come strapped wif ur best "I DARE U 2 FUK WID ME" look and the inkumbint attitood.

Dir Proody: Wedding kewtchin: We go to outdoor hippi bonfire wedding wif mud and stuff. Mai dress, it got rooind. Hoo pay nao?

Dir U: I bet ur not the only wun wundering. Next time u see mud and smowk coming, u just taik off ur dress in advance.

Dir Proody: Du tomcatz get a hall pass?

Dir U: Feelz laik it sumtimes. Tell brotherz they gots sumthing to do or u will kill them.

Dir Proody: mai kitteh's frend's boifrend bit her after drinking. Her frend nao all laik, "Whut ur problem, biatch?"

Dir U: Peepul bites wai moar dangerous than cat bites. Also, he nutz and when kittehs bite for no reezun they get put down.

Dir Proody: I haz a blooming career an I getting mai Pee HD! Mai boifrend lives wif hiz mommicat and daddicat an sees no reason to leave ever. Also hiz parents think it okay if I liv wif them an have kittehs. We haz fyoocher?

Dir U: I'm going to say no.

Dir Proody: Mai grown kitteh had a bizniss suck-sess and moved to teh woods to be alone in candy howse. For realz. This iz normal?

Dir U: Mebbeh U visit and find owt? Cuz sometimes it startz all happy hippie and ends in unabomer. Generally, happy hippies form happy hippie comyoonity and share veggies. This sounds unabomery.

From My Orbit

2010-09-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

Originals here: http://www.slate.com/id/2267469

LW#1: Lady, you need to TELL SOMEONE. Like your husband. Any time anyone makes me feel uncomfortable, you know what I do, right after giving them the hairy eyeball? I tell my husband. It's part of our solidarity thing. And if any man, no matter what his relation to me was, spent an inordinate amount of time "tucking his shirt in" around his burgeoning boner I would first say, "My goodness, aren't you a little creeper!" and then run straight to my husband to let him know I am on troll patrol and I need his hedge clippers.

Okay, but here's the thing about your little creeper in law to be, he has probably just been sussing out your boundaries, which are inexplicably not existing. Any twerp who is frottaging on his MIL to be and exposing himself at this level to his MIL to be is not only a creep, he is probably going to escalate it.

So how do you not cause pain? Well, it's beyond that now. You kind of have to tell your daughter. And you're going to have to rephrase this in your head to, "I'm not the one who started this, HE did." This is not run-of-the mill "I think he's a nice boy but his table manners are atrocious!" or "Do you think he'll give up on his dream of being a professional wakeboarder and become a doctor someday?" This is, "Honey, you know how comfortable I am talking about sex with you, that it basically makes me want to die inside, so you have to understand that when I tell you your fiance has rubbed up against me sexually and exposed himself to me -- I think the internet calls it 'frottage' -- the last thing I want to do is share this violation with anyone. But you're thinking of marrying him, and if I didn't say something about his making his future MIL a part of his sexual whatever it is, I'd be doing you a disservice." Then, in as much detail as you can handle, recount some incidents for her ("It was Thanksgiving. I was bending over the bird, which I had just pulled out of the oven to baste. Suddenly, I felt something up against my bottom, rubbing. I turned around and it was him").

I would hasten to add to all that if you have children, when they are getting to the age where they are going to act sexual (and I don't just mean having intercourse) it's probably a good time to start a conversation about good relationships, consent, boundaries and how you are only talking about this because you want them to have a happy, healthy sex life.

LW#2: No, just don't do anything. Leave her alone. Unless you run into her in some circumstance whereby you can't get away from her (carpooling or something?), then say, "Y'know, those years ago, when I was such a huge douche to you? It's not like it helps or anything, but I was bullied myself, and it took a regrettably long time for me to actually learn from it. Being such an asswipe to you, personally, has been pretty much the thing I've carried around as the most shameful thing I've ever done, and I couldn't be more sorry for how I treated you." But if some asswipe from my past tried to tell me they had changed since middle school, I probably wouldn't be in the apology-accepted mood, unless it was done sincerely, face-to-face.

LW#3: When my friends with a timeshare can't use theirs, they offer it to their friends so long as the acceptors also pay a "maintenance fee." Then the friends don't go to the timeshare. Because if they did, they would basically be using what is theirs and charging someone else and, hey, didn't they offer other people a vacation i.e. a place that will be fun and not where other people are?

But you knew BIL was part of the vacation equation, so I'm guessing he's paying the maintenance fee, right? And at least he's flying down there on his own tab. So as long as he doesn't mind not eating out every night and you recognize that everything is cheaper in the Caribbean once you're there, maybe you might not want to pay your two-thirds of the maintenance fee because it will be about the same in the end?

On the other hand, if his being sneaky is what is making you mad (as it would me, much more so than paying for stuff), you might just have your husband ask if he can front bro some cash on the front end so it isn't "You're paying for all this stuff you can't put a value on."

LW#4: OMG no wonder you're in therapy. Just say, "I'm hoping this will be therapeutic for me to say this and an indication of progress, but you constantly misspell my name on my bill and don't seem to notice it when I send you a check with my actual name on it. OMG PLEASE DON'T HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS!!!! SOB!!!!" I'm sure she'll find a way to drill down on this for the next two years as she sends you new, accurate bills.

From My Orbit

2010-06-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Originals are HERE.

LW#1: Is this sexual harassment? He's just rubbin' one out, under his desk in his own office, when you come in early and unexpected and have to notify him to your early birdiness by sticking your head in his door to show him what an ... I was going to say "eager beaver" you are, but let's go with "eager legal eagle." So no, I can't see as how he intended to make you feel uncomfortable. Sexual harassment? Not so clear cut.

HOWEVER! When you decide to rub one out at work, no matter the hour, you are taking fate (and your fireman) into your own hands in a risky little game! However, as you may have discovered, to be a successful attorney means needing to take some risks, having an enormous ego and unquenchable desires. There are a lot of lawyers with personality disorders out there, and it is those personality disorders that help to fuel their success. And, as we see here, can be their downfall. It's a Greek tragedy thing. Seriously, those Athenians figured all this out.

At any rate, I'm supposed to be helpful here, so I'm going to say you write this up in your "just in case" journal, act like nothing ever happened until he gives you reason to act like something happened, and if you absolutely, positively HAVE to show off that you're doing something work-related in the future, make it an ostentatious 2 a.m. email to all the partners about what you "just" did.

LW#2: When you snoop, you lose. Also, when you overshare and lie, you lose. Sigh. The only thing I can tell you is that now you know what you're facing with your ex. And you'll probably have to fess up to your son that you snooped, and that you want him to know what you know, which is that yes, his father is his father. But if you can't straight up fess up, I have an alternative plan: Get your son in the car for a drive, then mention that he hasn't said so much as "boo" to you since he got back from his dad's house and YOU THINK THAT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING. You can disclaim that you don't particularly care to know what the particulars of what you think his father might have told him, but that you sense a rift, and you love him too much to let it go on.

And you have GOT to talk to your kid. Because a boy who calls his mother a "dumb slut" is a boy who badly, badly needs some feminism in his life, who badly needs to see that women make the best choices they are given at the time they have to make those choices. There are contexts that people live in, and have to take into account, whether they are men or women.

But think about it like this: His father is not doing himself any favors by painting you in a slutty, nasty light. And he's making himself look like an ass for being hooked up with a woman he says he was not sure was carrying his child. He's really digging himself in a hole here. Because obviously you live with a certain standard of integrity, right? And your son is going to see this as he grows up, right?

The other tip I'd give is don't say a thing to the ex. Don't bring it up, don't do anything. He's an ass and either karma will get him or it won't. But the last thing your kid needs to do is for you to turn an act of craptastic parenting on your ex's part into interpersonal drama. And any phone call you make to your ex is only going to be used against you. It's rough, but just stay who you are, above this nonsense.

LW#3: Well, you should get your own stuff back, if not necessarily the stuff you gave her back.

But okay, here's something that I don't fully understand, having seen it up close, and which you can't fully understand either: Parents whose child dies are totally not the same as they were five minutes before their child died. There is a hole in their heart and soul, and it's bigger than the child's presence. When a child dies, especially a young person who was not yet able to show the world who they were, the parents will lose faith, optimism and perspective.

So this friend of yours, her parents are not going to be as you knew them. And you have no idea what effect you, the passenger with their daughter in the car on the night she died, will actually be having on them.

Anyway, you probably don't mean to sound so obsessed with stuff, but this letter is maybe a lot more to the point than you should be. These folks are grieving, not just sorting stuff out. And you need to approach them like you know that.

You need to be able to talk about their daughter to them, you need to be able to ask to look at her things not because you want them, but because you miss her and want to make that connection. And I'm sure that the gifts you gave her are probably much more meaningful than you're getting across, so work on your delivery. Because you're already going to feel awkward enough around these devastated people. At least, I kind of hope you feel awkward enough to not worry about whatever it is that you're looking for in those objects so you drop it.

LW#4: How I'd handle it: Rude person: "Are you a veteran?" Me: "Yes, in the war on not attracting attention." "Yes, and I lost my leg to an IED -- an incidentally extraneous disease." "They sent me away to that hellhole, and for what?! (Insert shockingly unexpected opinion here about the wars -- i.e. pacifist ones. People freak the heck out when they hear a vet saying something pacifist. I think it messes with their ideas about what Norman Rockwell stuff you're supposed to believe.)" People are really weird about vet stuff, though. It may just be better to let it roll. Especially to old guys.

Proody: For when u need a poorly spelled smackdown

2010-05-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Dir Proody,

Mah mommicat is sick, in pain and cannot hold down a job. So she bekum a foster mommicat to a litter of messed up kittehs. She adopt wun, too! Dis kitteh, she trubble wif a capital T. Her tyme in teh pownd, it was not so gud, and nao she biting peepul, getting the po-po called on her and spending tyme in hospital for head-shrinker reezuns. Mai mommicat can't really deel wif all this kittehdrama to begin wif, much less this psychokitteh stuff.

Anniwai, mah auntiecat, who married a fatcat, sai, "Hey sistercat, wai not come wif me to Europe for three weeks? Leeve ur trubbles behynd!" Trubbles meaning the litter and the psychokitteh. The litter, the state will place. The psychokitteh ... well, she need a place to go for two weeks. Mah sistercat sai, "Here? No wai hoe-zay!" Mai hubbicat? "No wai!" But I think I can wear heem down eeven tho we haz little, fragile kittehs of our own.

I wear heem down and help psychokitteh or stand furm up to mommicat?

Hao I survyve mah childhud, I not ever kno.

Dir Survyve,

Lotz of drama up in ur joynt. Haz rich auntiecat considered paying for sleepaway camp? R all psychokitteh's vaxinayshuns up to date? And also, r u owt of ur mind? Help psychokitteh frum teh owtside, as interested adult, but proteckt ur kittehs.

Dir Proody,

I use to teech this younger guy in strange forrin land I livez in nao. Feelings, we haz them, tho we never, ever disclose them to each other except by the most forlorn glances. If we not date, everything continue inclooding pain in mah heart. If we date, wurld come crashing down, but we haz eech other. What I do nao?

Luv-struk

Dir Luv-struk,

U never talk abowt ur feelings? How u not know he just have angstee eyebrows and weerd bowndary ishoos?

Do whut u want, u r cat. But mebbeh u need to get owt moar.

Dir Proody,

I got bad diagnosis and teh medical buks all sai I die in five yirs. It haz put a damper on mah abilitee to enjoy daily life wif mah hubbicat and little kittehs. Hao I just embrace the nao with the grace of peepul in moovees?

So effing sad over here

Dir Sad,

In moovees, peepul who r gonna die r played by actors who r not really dying reeding scripts ritten bai peepul who r not faycing impending doom. So, grayn of salt there. Get help. U needz it.

Dir Proody,

I am yung and strong and a boicat. So when teh water dish run dry, teh wimminz sai, "Strong yung boicat, can u refill it wif big water jug?" Wai they not do it themselves? Isn't feminism abowt me not being inconveeniensed by teh needz of teh laydeez every week for a minute or too? I bring mai own water in from home, BTW.

Boiling over water

Dir Boiling,

As catz, it iz troo, we duz not laik to haz to do chores for others. But if u no can tell they laik to see ur muscles straining a little, u need to realyze, in loo of soshul skillz, this is all u haz to get teh laydeecatz. Also, u appir to not haz ballz or brain. Purrhapz u shud go into water jug delivery and get ur mowth stitched shut. Yes, that abowt right preskripshun to mayk ur life purrfekt.

Listen to the cats

2010-05-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh and a hubbicat, who is not the kittehdaddeh. The kittehdaddeh recently got sprung frum the pound and iz, oh, kind of rapey. We get hubbicat to adopt kitteh or we let heem have playdates wif kittehdaddeh because, well, he's teh sperm donor?

Iz embarassed to haz slept wif the kittehdaddeh

Dir embarrassed,

Of coarse u r.

But nao we ask, "Duz u want to protekt ur kitteh or, alternativelee, let him mayk his own choices after he iz put in bad posishun wif rapey felon?" I tend to err on teh side of leeving well enuf alone.

Dir Proody,

I can haz job? Iz years nao and I iz kind of ... frusstrayted. Want to kill peepul who is asking me, "Wai u not wurk for such a long time?" I can kill them, rait?

Frusstrayted

Dir Frusstrayted,

U R cat, so yes, you may come at them ninja-style. Alternative solooshun: Maybe you get self-employed so u can get an underling to do all teh work?

Dir Proody,

Mah sister in law, she gradjiating! She salotatorian! But her mommicat iz going to go to teh head of teh skool and bitch for sum rilly dum reesons abowt these other kittehs being ineligible to speechify in front of teh class.

Teh delikat point iz that I want mah kitteh to go to this skool sumday, and I haz relatives that werk there. Whut I do nao?

Prowd of SIL

Dir Prowd,

I think ur SIL iz abowt to get owt frum under one cattiwumpus of an apron string, that whut I think. Cud u videotape ur MIL in action? I think that wud be a killer UTube viral video. Sumtimes peepul haz to lern teh hard way. Mebbeh not ur SIL, but her mommicat? Take that bitch to skool.

Dir Proody,

Mah boifren, he haz a frend he will room with at a conference. Problem? She iz gurl! I totallee trust they not be having teh secks, even teh drunken "accidental" secks or "have u ever wundered" secks. I rilly do. I am so unconserned about it that I am obsessed wif other cats seeing them go back to their shared room thinking that they are having this not-at-all-happening-ever-in-a-million-years-or-Cuervos secks. That whut mayk me sad. But she iz laid off and he iz compashun itself. Whut I do nao?

I trust heem implisitlee. Rilly.

Dir Rilly,

Well, if he were a smart cheeter he wud not hav told u. OR IZ HE THAT SMART THAT HE CAN DO THE DOUBLE BACKSTAB?

Onlee one opshun: Find an excuse to go to this conference wif him, or in separate room. If posible, haz her boifren be ur roomie. Mayk sertin that hijinks ensue. Sell transcript of entire awkward weekend to become a pilot for awkward sitcom. Mayke tons of money. Leave ur boifren u no trust.

Then bow down to me, for I haz made ur life easy.

Proody, sociopathic LOLcat advisor

2010-05-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Man, I gotta start getting this stuff DONE. But you know what? It's like these problems just build and build and build, and then my work as LOLcat to the rescue is a little overwhelming. But better late than never: Here is Proody, unleashed!

Dir Proody,

I iz a yung kitteh. I haz a job! In radio! But there is this wun old leddicat who act laik kitteh. It repulse me. Nobuddy stop talking abowt how she nasty, pretending to be yung and hawt when she dried up and disgusting! Hao I maik her feel wurst abowt this, confronting her as hawter and smarter kitteh whilez I givez her denchure kreem and senior pet fud, yeah?

Mah poo, it haz no smellz

Dir Poo,

A wurd of advice: Any leddicat who haz a career and lifestyul invested in luking yung and hawt laik that haz not only amassed enuf power to get u fired for bean a little dum-dum, but likely also haz a pact with the devil and iz maybe a little evil. Evil enuf to kill, certainly. I wud think she haz killed befor. I wud also think mebbeh ur coworkers are setting u up to do something rilly dum for their own amyoosement. But u know whut, this sound laik it rilly bother u, so u go up to that old biddie and u sez, "Whai u act so hawt when u an old creaky cat?"

(Anywun who werk with Poo, pleez call me and let me know when this go down so I can watch.)

Dir Proody,

A year ago I caused an accident, sort of, and nao I feel shame and gilt. Whut I do?

Granpa Sunday driver wif horse trailer

Dir Granpa,

I think u r cat, so shame is not natural. I also think ur horse ownership iz not natural. I kind of think u r pathetic and needz to cat up. Realize kittehs taik their lives into their own handz all teh time, for stoopid reasons, u have no control over it. All u haz control over is ur accellerator pedal foot, and if u were being sooper careful of the law just to see a fast-livin kitteh get her comeuppance, well, stop being ashamed of it and start being prowd she fall in ur trap.

Dir Proody,

OMG I HAZ PARTY AND THESE TWO CATZ WERE HAVING TEH SECKS ON MAH COWCH OMG OMG !!!!!11!!!!1!!!!!1ELEVENTYMILLION!!!!!! I PUT ON SPACEBOOK NAO, RAIT???

I WALKED IN ON IT

Dir Walked,

Sounds laik u had a successful partee. U can put that on Spacebook.

Dir Proody,

I haz a husbandcat. He haz hobbeez. Many, many hobbeez. Boring fukking hobeez. And no frends so he ask me abowt his fukking fixee. I kill heem nao?

Desparate Housecat

Dir Desparate,

Oh hellz yes u killz heem nao. U kill any cat that show slitest need for opinion of others and put it owt of its mizery.

Dir Proody,

I haz a great boss, but she cry sometimes. And create lots of drama. Whut I do nao?

Uncomfortable

Dir Uncomfortable,

Whut, u can't complayn to Feline Resources? Okay, then u start feeding her informashun abowt who hayte her, who say mean things about her, hao her bosses no trust her and u are onlee wun she can trust. U build her up into tizzee of emoshuns. When she abowt to go postal, u call security on her. Then u r hero who get to be new boss. Simpull.

Dir Proody,

Mai fren got a dawg an keep it in a tiny cage all teh time. Wai he so cruel? Whut I do nao?

Sympathetic

Dir Sympathetic,

Altho I generallee have no use for dawgs, teh best wai to deal with them is not caging them. This onlee mayke u look weak. Hissing, scratching, suddenly puffing up into furball, this teh wai to deal wif a dawg. U can offer to let ur frend know he is doing sumthing that will onlee lead to dawg tearing the stuffing out of heem, or u cud just sit back and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren/fiansay, I LUVS HEEM SO MUCH! But he drinks a lot. Usually we fite and I haz to apologize becuz I get judgy, but this tyme he pee himself when drunk. Whut I do nao?

Litterbox, plz

Dir Litterbox,

If u apologize for being judgy then this relashunship is dun. He iz a drunk. U r a cat. Judgy is whut u r. And drunk iz whut he iz.

Dir Proody,

Mai old gurlfren from obedience school died. I greeve and morn in silence. But I want to cause some drama. Laik, reality TV scale drama. I send card to her husband so he know I thinking abowt his wifeycat? Will he tell mai wifeycat and get her angry? Is this a gud plan?

Lost love and mind

Dir Lost,

U do whut u want, u r cat. But to be honest, if u r wanting to connect wif this flayme so bad u are mebbeh hoping to maik owt wif her hubbicat, mebbeh u need to lay off the catnip.

Dir Proody,

Mai life as a kitteh was purrfekt. Laik "Leave it to Beaver." But nao mai parents tell me big seekret: Mom wuz a pussy-showing porn star! Her work on the intertoobz! I so shocked I think I sai sumthing crazy angry to them!

Devastated

Dir Devastated,

Isn't it terribull to lern ur parents not onlee laik secks, but mebbeh are having moar fun at it than u? She posed for sum pickchurs? So whut. Get a grip and do whut u r supposed to: Rebel. Wif crazier secks than u ever dreamed possibull.

Dir Proody,

I haz a dreem to do gud werk in the nashun's capitol. Mai mommicat, haoever, haz a cancer that needs insayne treatment. She not live in nashun's capitol. Whut I do? Follow mai dreem or help mai mommicat?

Ackshually Devastated

Dir Ackshually,

U r abowt to embark on a new lyfe annywai rite nao, but it sad that ur mommicat iz going to go thru all the keemo and have a hard tyme while u r mixing it up wif ambassadors from faraway lands. Mebbeh u taik the train home wunce in a while?

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat is a mess. Literully! Her lyfe is a shambles of bad desishuns, self-inflicted poverty and a trail of untaken and unwerking medicashuns and doctorcats. Nao I have agreed, with mai sister, to foot the bill for a place for her. But for mommicat to get to that place her apartment had to be cleaned. Her apartment is basically a living simbol of the mess she has mayde of her lyfe, so I wuz all, "Hellz no I does NOT WANT to clean it!" Nao mai sister is mad I not kleen apartment wif her. Hao I heel this wound?

Sloppy seconds

Dir Sloppy,

Ur mother sounds awful. I suggest getting some barely competant ninjas to take her owt. Then u and ur sister will have to avenge her sweet, sweet release from the mortal coil by killing them. And since they r barely competant u will be okay. And then the day is saved and the breach is spanned.

Sumtymes I surprize myself with hao amayzing mai advice is.

Dir Proody,

I raise mai dottercats to be naice. But they not laik dorky kittehs or mean kittehs. I beat this kindness into their headz, right?

Popularity for teh burdz

Dir Burdz,

U raise kidz, they will disappoint u. By, in ur case, being well-liked and popular. I kno I am definitelee not too soshul. But some kittehs laik peepul. It weerd but true. And sumtymes u haf to accept that, and slink back into ur corner and stare at teh wall and strike owt at anywun who dum enuf to interrupt u.

Speaking of which, I haz a corner to get to nao.

Bigtime cattin' around

2010-04-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

When teh dog is away, teh catz will play!

AND SO IT BEEGIN!

Dir Proody,

I go on teh internetz, get some roommates. Az we are cat, we iz anti-soshul with each other. BUT nao wun of them got herself nocked up wif a kitteh and iz smoking. She dumcat and also teh kittehdaddeh? Invisibul. I tell her she bad in note under teh door, rite?

Cregslist is for teh berdz

Dir Cregslist,

Uh, no u don't. U say, "If u need moar help wif teh aborshun I push u down stairs, okay? Half pak of smokes a dai is just enuf to get kitteh wif problems, not teh miscarriage u iz needin."

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh is speshul, in a leetle bit speshul Olimpix way. Teh Assburgers, she gots it. In spite of this, she is just like normal gurl wif teh birfday parties and the skool. But she was only kitteh in hur class who not get invite to this wun girl's birfday party. I go kill this rude kitteh and her dipshit parents nao?

Cougar mama

Dir Cougar,

Yes. U mai kill them nao. Why develop coping skillz, that whut I alwais say.

Dir Proody,

I am 30, married and I IZ IN HEAT SO BAD. But onlee for this one tomcat at werk. It okay if I lift my tail and show him my engorgements? PLEEZE HE SO KYUTE I WANNA DO HEEM ON TEH ZEEROCKS AND IN TEH OFFICE SUPPLY CLOSET! Also, wai he not coming on to me wen I am so obviouslee purrfect fur heem?

WANT TO BONE HEEM

Dir BONE,

U r asking mai permission for sumthing? U r cat, do whut u want if uther cat want. If ur husband no like it, he can go find sumone else to make it with, since he probably young and dumb laik u, too.

Dir Proody,

Mai frend do sum bad stuff, she in teh pound nao. Before she put in slammer, she give me two shoogur gliders to look after. And I did, lord hao I did. For a year. Tehn I ated wun. I told her it sick, but getting better. If I keep lying until she come owt, she won't wring my neck and have to go back in?

Shoogur gliders, not sweet akshually

Dir Not Sweet,

You iz dum. Tell her while she iz in teh slammer so the inishul wave of anger passes and u no have to wurry about that. Onlee have to wurry abowt teh building up of rayge over time.

Dir Proody,

I need an opurashun to haz teh secks, but teh dockters and mai mommicat keep saying: "Get a boifren and haf heem poke at u till u both get sick uv it." Hao I supposed to get poked by a tender lover when teh onlee wai peepul mai age get tender lovers iz to have teh hookup secks with them furst? And duh, I have been trying with all these different tomcats to get it going on. Duh.

Very small pussy

Dir Pussy,

I cannot beleeve those peepul r still alive. Wai u not gone all ninja on them? Find real pussy dockter, too! Get whut u know u need and quitcherbitchin to me!

Dir Proody,

Mai daddicat had a stroke and nao cannot do hardly anithing but sit around and wayte to die. Obviusslee, it is hard to make conversatshun with him. Espeshully since he can't rilly talk too gud. I think mai visits are painful enuf for heem wifout talking abowt teh gud old days when we could chill. Whut nao?

Awkward cat

Dir Awkward,

Just becuz he can't talk too gud not mean u can't talk to heem. Tell heem abowt ur life, hao things going fur u, and so on. Keep heem in teh loop. Quit being such a wuss. And don't be a scaredy cat, afrayed of talking abowt teh past. Teh past is a comfort, let it blanket heem.

Dir Proody,

I am fat gay cat attracted to hawt gay cat. In spite of fact that we click reel gud, he can never luv me and I should give it up and sleenk back to teh closet of self-loathing, rite?

Big Gay Cat

Dir Big,

Owt of that fucking closet. Owt of that self-loathing. Owt into teh real world of hurt and fear and ambiguity. Owt into teh real world of excitement, fun and resiprokal affeckshun and unantissipated frizzons. Owt, owt and away from that fucking TeeVee.

Be u. Be gay. Be big, fat, byootiful cat.

And when ur banging that hot gay boicat, take sum fotos and hook a LOLcat advice columnist up, okay?

Dir Proody,

I am in the army. But this is not abowt me. It is abowt this other couple, also military. Mostly "Fluffy," teh wifeycat. She tell mai wifeycat abowt hao simple it iz to be robbing teh store she werks at. Everybody there duz it! Fluffy too! Maybe ... mai wifeycat wuz on a listserv and saw Fluffy selling stuff, frum teh store! We rat her owt, rite?

Since I'm military I must enforce all laws, rite?

Dir military,

I kno teh temptashun to play Team America: Werld Police iz killing u. But think of it this wai, u have an idea of her cat-rackter, that she cannot resist temptashun. So u kno to lock up teh silver bowls when she come to visit. If u want to fuck wif her, call teh owner and tell them they are getting ripped off and watch teh fur fly!

Dir Proody,

Mai grandfather is so sick! Has teh Alzheimers. Grandmothercat sai, "It too bad for all his kittehs in the genetic downstream. No fear fur u or ur daddicat, though! Hee hee hee!" Whut teh fuck, Proody?

Who dat is? Not my grandpacat?

Dir Who dat?

Mebbeh ur grandmothercat just losin it herself. Or mebbeh there is story to tell, of milkman and illissit secks and garbage cans by teh moonlite. Fact is, there is a trooth, but it not owt there. It in ur heart, in ur grandparentcats and unclecats and auntcats hearts. If u can hold to that trooth, u can ask qweschuns. If u lose site of that trooth, u will have problems. Nao mayke ur choice.

Dir Proody,

Mah ex-wifeycat is a psychokitteh and nao she stalking mah new gurlycat. Do I go to all teh naybors teh ex wrote anonymuss letters to and apologize personally or is that crass?

Etticat conchuss

Dir Etticat,

Mebbeh u both tayk owt restraining orders and get conseeled carry permits.

Dir Proody,

Mah sister, she haz a kitteh! But nao she want to leave teh home and go owt to an event. She will stay wif mah uther sister on teh wai. But a kitteh? In teh house? Mah sister need hur byootee sleeps! We wonder, hao u sai, "No way Jose" to sister wifout letting on that we don't want hur kitteh around evah?

No idea abowt kittehs at all

Dir no idea,

Wun friggin' nite, nuckleheds. Besides, are u not nockturnal?

Dir Proody,

I am young and spry, but I werk wif old farts who keep grabbing their guts and patting their bald hedz saying, "This whut happen when u finally get old!" Also mai mom got me mai job.

They all hayte me

Dir Hayte,

Yeah. Probably. Until u buy them alcohol at next office mixer. Trooly, u must buy off their hayte, if not buy their luv.

From My LOLcats

2010-03-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dir Proody,

When I wuz a kitteh, I had a kittehsitter whose hubbicat molested me. He wuz put in teh pound and last I knew she wuz in total denial about teh molestashun. Haoever, I haz a college class and wun of teh other students is the grandson of teh molester, natchurally it inspires teh big feelings and reaxshuns in me wifout hiz knowledge. He seem okay himself. It getting awkward around here. Whut I do nao?

Scaredy Cat

Dir Scaredy,

Teh fact iz, as a survivor, u need to do whut u need to do to feel sayfe and healthy. So u just keeps doing whut u r doing and if he asks wai u hayte him, u say whut u need to say. Chances r, haoever, he will just think u r freek and avoid u too. But hoo cares? U r in college, catz act all crazy at this age.

Dir Proody,

OMG MAH KITTEH SAW ME AND HUBBICAT HAVIN TEH SECKS! WHUT I DO NAO? HAO I KEEP MAH BEHBEH OFF TEH SHRINK'S SOFA??!! ALSO WE WERE TOTES GOING AT IT AEROBIKALLY.

ZOMG CAT

Dir ZOMG,

Furst thing, u chill teh hayl out. Ur kitteh, he too little to care much abowt u and teh things u do. No matter hao aerobically u say u iz doing it.

Dir Proody,

Mah fyootcher moomicat-in-law duz it all for mah hunny. She brush hiz teeth, mayke hiz bed, wash hiz clothes and tayke him to teh veterinarian. Hao I let her kno I do this for him nao?

Replikating a pattern

Dir Pattern,

Hao abowt he start untying teh damn apron strings? It up to him. And he sound like a loser. Wai u want to take him to teh veterinarian or wash hiz clothes, anniwai? Wai u not want a hubbicat who manage hiz own shizz?

Dir Proody,

I get wedding invite to random chick I barely kno's wedding. I send a gift anniwai?

Clueless

Dir Clueless,

No, u just do whut u want. U r cat, u haz a vertebrae, rite?

From My LOLcats

2010-03-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

From here, of course -- Spacey

Dir Proody,

I iz very relijuss cat. So iz mai wifeycat. Mebbeh. She come back from doctor with an sexchually transmittend diseez after yeers of no nuthin. We iz both virginz when we marry. She be seein' a tomcat, rait? We gotz a kitteh and I am not beeleevin' this.

I declayr jihad on her?

Dir Jihad,

Okay buddeh, lissen up. Iz possible you gives her this cat papilloma virus if u are a "teknikal virgin." Iz possible she get it frum another tomcat. So r u virgin-virgin when u marry or a teknikal virgin? Also, whut u want to be owtcome? Becuz if u haz good laif, and if she not hiding nothing, go with it. If u hayt her, deevorce.

R U sereeuss jihad cat or r u phonee letter for the pro-HPV vackseen peepul?

Dir Proody,

I haz a gurlfrend! I luvs her! I wants to marry her! But she wants big sparkly rinestone collar and I iz a poor, young gradjuate student! And becuz I so smart, I haz intelleckchual reezuns for not wanting to get her sparkle collar aniwai. She iz so sooperfishul I shud brayk up wif her, right? (Please sai no, but that I no haz to get her anything unless she gets me sumfing!)

Young and in LUV

Dir Young,

Le sigh. Wai teh kittehs feel entitled to matereeal things they cannot afford iz beeyond me. Furst thing, stop trying to be smart and progressive. U sound laik Andrea Dworkin from the past, but not so smart. That is, eeven u no be beleevin ur arguments. The second thing is, sum kittehs need this rite of passage. That just hao it iz. And if ur gurlfrend iz wun of those kittehs, that hoo she iz. The thurd thing iz, no, u shuld not go into debt for a collar.

Here whut u do: Ask her if she want to not just marry u but maik life with u, with all that entayls. Kittehs, boxes to hide in, squeeky mice, etc. If anser is yes, then u r gud. Then u sai, "Okay. But nao here is teh thing. Monee, I no haz it. I get u a collar today, it not be sooper sparkley. But it not put me in teh debt. And that mean it not put u in teh debt, eether. And when we iz older, and we iz more sucksessful, and we iz having moar monee, then we get u nicer collar, while everything in our lives get nicer. Later, u get ur sparkels. Today, u get me."

That so romantic I mayde myself cry. I wud totally marry myself.

Dir Proody,

I iz lawyercat. I want to be doctor cat. Nobuddy think I cud do it until mah hubbicat came along. Whut I do nao?

Wants to go from arguing about being right to just being accepted as right and Godlike

Dir doctor trapped in lawyer's career,

If u hayt whut u do, change it. And mebbeh u not be all the wai a doctor, but a physician's assistant or something. I mean, what is it u really want? To be doctor? To work in medisin? To have moar time with ur kitteh?

Many opshuns, u haz them. Konsider them wiselee.

Dir Proody,

Oscat partee, I haz wun each year! But I keep winning the pool, which I charge an extorshunate amownt of monee to partisipate in. It so embarrassing! But it so fun to be sooperior to mah friends! Whut I do?

Movees, I kno them

Dir Movees,

If u don't mayk this fun and free for ur friends, they will not only stop coming to ur movee partee, they will stop being ur friends.

I alreddy kinda haytes u.

Proody owt.

Massive LOLcat Attack threatens to collapse Teh Internetz

2010-03-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

Wut I can say? I can haz a meowment to pawntifikate. -- Proody Cat.

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh alwais luv rubber toys. Laik, too much. I not only catch him hump rubber mousie, I catch him on teh internetz shopping for exxtra sexxy rubber paw covers, so I get in hiz internetz, installin a porn blocker. In store, he sai, "Mommicat, kin u get me those paw covers?" But whai? He not do dishes! Basically, I think he kind of a sick kitty. And when he steel mah rubber tools he bringing me into his weerd sex laif. Uck. Hao I handle this thing?

I not put loshun on skin!

Dir Loshun,

So far nobuddy but u getting hurt. U shud not kno ur kitteh's heat-driven fantasees. It speeks to hiz inability to control his urges that u kno abowt them. He need sumone to talk to. Not that anything rong with fantasee and kinks! Just that if he laik paw covers moar than girlz that may be an impedimunt to hiz soshulizashun. Also, being unable to be in dishwasher aisle withowt rubbing one owt.

Proody

Dir Proody,

I haz a frend and a boss. They are same cat! One iz a hyooge bitch. What I do nao?

Split cat-sonality

Dir Split,

Quit ur job. Wai u work? U R CAT!

Proody

Dir Proody,

I haz a roomie and a dawg. Mai roomie call mah dawg a ball-licker and sai he keel him someday, but in frendly tone of voice. Wai he so cruel to mah dawg? What I do?

Dawg owning cat

Dir, um, exkyooz me?

I don't see whut the problem here iz. Oh yeah right. THE PROBLEM, IT IZ U. The onlee thing worse is if u were owned by dawg.

WTF, Proody

Dir Proody,

Iz mai birfday! I iz so happy! But mah hubbicat want me to haf a party! Lotsa friends! They don't know each other! Hao awful! I write math pedagogee books for a living! Not big on the soshul skills! Can't hold this party together! HALP ME PROODY! NEED ASTHMA INHALER!!

Math pedagogee book writer

Dir I guess math pedagogee haz nothing to do with soshul skillz,

Holy shit. They are adultz. They can make awkward conversashuns. But since they all seem to possibly laik u for whut reesons I cannot divine, they may have uther things in kommun, too. Like Math Pedagogee. Seriouslee, they haf to got moar soshul skillz than u. They shud be fine.

Proody

Dir Proody,

I am widowercat. I want to bang teh kittehsitter, hoo is significantlee younger and haz relashunship problems wif her tomcat and a krush on me. Nao, if I do this will I still be paying her to babysit or I find sumboddy else? Whut abowt her tomcat? Whut about mah prickly pear's needs?

Cat scratch fever,

Dir Fever,

It'z so naice when hot pussy is throwing itself at u, no? But here iz the flip side: She also a bit crazy and u are just plain lonely and desperate. Leddicats hoo sabotaj their relashunships with both a boifren and an employer in one go are probably not the kind of pussy u will find lasting happiness with (also she iz 24 and a kittehsitter, so she probably not soopermotivated, just sayin'). Oh, and as for reliable kittehsitters? Also difficult to find. Moar so than lasting happiness cat.

Think abowt it,

Proody

Dir Proody,

Mai mother-in-lawcat got pregnant at same tyme I did just to piss me off! IT WORKED! I IZ ONE PISSED OFF KITTEH!!! When she finully tell me hao I not RIP HER HEAD OFF?

P.S. She 44 years old! Hao teh hell that even happen???

I'm going to die or kill her or do a murder suicide thing

Dir psychokitteh,

If she only 44, u may be too young to be hafin' a behbeh. Do you go to skool in a white working class Boston suburb? Or Wasilla, Alaska? Just askin.

Also, this kitteh she having? Could be birth-defect havin. Also could haf nothing to do with her wanting to piss u off. Also is only gossip pregnancy.

Nao why don't u do the right thing and give ur kitteh up for adoption?

Proody

Dir Proody,

I haz a frend hoo works for multinashunall company in horrible oppressive country. Suffice to say, I kno for a fact that her werking there oppresses the masses becuz I readed it in moar than one book and UTNE reader artikull. I try to tell her this, but she no listen. The pretentious asshole, it iz her, no?

Wai, no, I don't haz a job, wai r u asking?

Dir no job,

It iz wun thing to not be happy for a frend, or to revel in shadenfroida. It iz another to find reesons to hate them in skolarly artikulls, espeshully reesons that r so retorikull. Either u find reel reesons to hayte her or don't. But hoo cares? U R CAT.

Proody

Dir Proody,

I want kittehs! SO SO SO BADLY! But I wuz born with extra didgits. It iz dominant and mah kittehz, they will haz extra didgits! I tell mai gurlfrend that we haf freeky deeky kittehs?

Spazzin owt over here

Dir Spaz,

Polydactyly is no biggie. What iz biggie iz u r wanting kittehs so bad and u are fixating on their toes instead of ur relashunship with ur gurlfrend. Mebbeh u get married furst, then do whutever it iz u do with ur extra didgits? Becuz luv, it not come from fingers. It come frum heart.

Proody.

From My LOLcats -- extra big edition

2010-02-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

Note frum Proody -- I haf been gone too long. Mai gift to u, dubble LOLcats! U mai worship me nao!

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat a big ho-bag! She be havin five kittehs by four alley cats! She one perpetually packed pussy! But also she just eeevil, laik that mommicat in "Preshuss." To me, anywai. So I leave home and I lick all my mental fur until kleen. I haf a gud lyfe now. But mai little kitteh brother and sister find me on the Catfacebuk! Be ritin' me all the tyme! They be tellin me about mommicat! Nao she back in mah head and I am wunce again a little pussy who nobuddy love! In mai head! Help me!

Normal and laikin it

Dir Normal,

Ur mommicat, she nasty. Ur brother and sister, they r innosent. But. U r cat, and cats, we are changeabull. Uncatfrend them. Give them nasty looks. Mebbeh swat at them if they come in ur space. U no haf to relive the past, just clue them in that it's not all gud and they need to leave u for the saik of ur head.

Proody.

Dir Proody,

Mai hubbicat is so old! He parade me around his friends, sayin', "Luk at mai wifeycat. She a TROPHY wifeycat! Champion pussy!" which is natchurally verry embarrassing. Espeshully becuz I am only okay for the other 20-somethings, and I think the other mencats get that. But not their wifeycats, who do not want my hubbicat instigating midlife krisees in their hubbicats! They hiss at me! Whut I do nao?

I'm in hiz soshul circle, feelin' awkward

Dir Awkward,

Duz u have any friends of ur own? Mebbeh u shud be playin' the Lady Gaga and talkin' about hao u were laik a wee bitteh kitteh when Michael Jackson was putting out "Bad" and hao u wud totally die if u ever saw any white fur that wuz not white before. Mebbeh u shud be takin' him to ur friends and tell them hao great it is to marry a rich guy who is going to die someday and befor that be all senile so u can be boinkin the pool boy! He is in De Nile, which is not a river in Egypt, and they don't worship catz there anymore anywai.

Proody

Dir Proody,

Mai husband, as a young and dum dum dummy, got a tattoo of a human smoking a joint on his back. Nao we haf a baby coming! And he is military! He can haz career? He can haz kittehz who not smoke catnip?

Smoked it, but it only made me paranoid

Dir Paranoid,

Impulse control is whut u will want to be teechin' ur kittehs, eeven more than not to smoke catnip. Becuz u can blame the catnip, but fundamentally, the lesson is alreddy ritten in ink for u two (mebbeh for them, too). Also, u will be wanting to teech them not to laff at their dumdum daddicat. Becuz they will. I already haz had a laffing fit. Human smoking catnip! On hiz back! LOL! I am LOLcat! I am LOLcat!

Dir Proody,

I see a leddicat in grocery store. She need to XYZ. So I say, "Exkyooz me, but u need to XYZ." Mai hubbicat, he say it better she live in ignorints and I shud stay out her beezwax becuz I only embarrass her moar. Who right?

Purina, u got it in ur teeth

Dir Purina,

U tell her. Duh. There is a turnip truck ur hubbicat fell off of, I am shure.

-----

Dir Proody,

I had a sweetheart when I wuz kitteh, so many, many yirs ago. Nao we reconnect! In winter of our lives! So much love! So much happiness! But I not shure she should give up the goods when her husband has Alzheimers, and I'm just going to throw out there that he not want to bone her before he get sick, but I manly and want to bone all. The. Time. She come at me laik horny spider monkey, and it get harder to resist. Whut I do?

No Viagra Necessary

Dir Viagra (don't fool urself),

When a female cat is in heat, it is best to do whut she want. Cat lives are so short, and while happiness easy to attain for right-thinking cat, it harder to attain for two cats at the same time in the same place. Bone away, bonehead.

Proody

Dir Proody,

I laik a girlcat, but I don't want to say it out loud. Being creepy will save mah dignitee, raight?

Cupidiot

Dir Cupidiot,

U don't want to say "U want go to moovees?" U don't want to say, "U want eat out with me? Not Fancy Feast or nothing, just some Purina?" U don't want to say, "U R invited to mah howse for Dungeons and Dragons?" Okay. But if u give her nothing to say no to, u will definitely give up ur dignitee by acting laik it is not an akseptabull opshun for her.

Proody

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat has a "friend" "Alice" who is dating a very macho cat hoo iz a ninja fighter pilot, development impresario, creator of the "Kitteh Einstein" series and also wunce killed a man just to watch him die in Da Nang. Nao, these are all seriyuss lies, but she not seem to kno. Is it becuz she is lonely desperate virgin spinster?

Smarticat

Dir Smarticat,

Mebbeh she vulnerable. But love kemikals do that to a cat. U tell ur mom she need to say, "Alice, hunny, we gots to haz girltalk. Ur mancat, he iz possibly going to tayk out millyuns of dollars of inshurance on u and leave u in pieces in ditch somewhere, or at least tayk ur kitteh u have wif him to some place u no find her." This laik XYZ, but with the potenchull to sayve lives. It may not immeediatly be well-reseeved, but in a few years, when he mayk news in bad wai, it will be appreesheeated.

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren and I haf open relashunship where he get to bang all the kittehs he want. I do, to, but only kitteh I want to bang is him. I want him to want this, but we are robot alien kittehs with no emoshuns, only rashunal logic brains. Hao I rashunally explayne he not get to bang other kittehs animore? "Relashunship to next level," hao that wurking?

Catbot

Dir Catbot,

If u be thinking that emoshuns are bad, then u need to meet ur boifrend as the rest of the world sees him. He is a manipulative a-hole hoo exployts ur neediness by pretending emoshuns are stoopid, except for the speshul romantic ones he allegedly shares with u. But those emoshuns, I bet, have gotten stoopider to him over time as he boinks the few willing pussies he can find, because unemoshunal boinking is good. Nao, number one, that is not only bad psychological manipulation, it bad logic, too! Why u not kill him already? That pussy needs a swat in the puss!

Proody.

From My Orbit

2010-02-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

As per usual, read the letters here.

LW#1: You're wondering if your being the backdoor man for a woman with a husband stricken with Alzheimer's (and who was a cold fish years before symptoms appeared) is a morally wrong thing.

I'll give you a one word answer: No.

This is a situation to which I am no stranger, either. There is a marital relationship that has been disrupted by a different long-term degenerative disease in my own extended family, and the not-sick partner has partnered up with a woman he intends to marry when his wife, who is in a long term care facility, dies. He would never think of divorcing his wife, and he cares studiously for her every single day. That's just who he is.

But people have a right to pursue happiness in this country, and intimacy — emotional and sexual — are very big keys to happiness. And people who are caring for mates who are beyond being able to even recognize them are in a particular situation where they could use some intimacy and strength.

Flip this equation around. What if you were in love with someone and you knew you were slowly losing it? When you are completely incapacitated, would you think your marital bonds were more important than your loved one's happiness?

Dan Savage would say that if one partner in a relationship is not meeting — excuse me, not trying to meet — the sexual needs of the other partner, sex outside the marriage is fair game. It's kind of a blunt diagnosis, but I think in general it's right. If the husband continues to receive the same attention and care that she has been showing him, he's getting something good and worthy. And she is continuing to be someone good and worthy.

And that's pretty much all I have to say about it.

LW#2: The secret admirer thing is thrilling because it's creepy. Forgo the secret gift and just ask her verbally if she'd like to go out with you sometime.

So just make your intentions known. As I said last week, boys who put themselves out there to girls they are 60 percent sure kind of dig them are 100 percent more likely to get results than boys who keep beating around the bush until they are firmly ensconced in the "friend zone." Plus, if you get a no, you can keep your dignity and go, uh, beat around some other bush.

LW#3: Oh, man, it is bad when girlfriends do not let other girlfriends know their bfs have big red flags all over them.

Your mom needs to have a talk with Alice about this man, say that you were intrigued by this NFL draft pick from your school but found no record of his playing there (and then *she* needs to call your school's alumni relations people and ask about this guy to really check his story), say that she got curious about this jet fighter thing and hey, there's no airfield there, and Alice, sweetie, are you sure you know what you're getting into here?

Because this is the thing girlfriends do. We let each other make some mistakes, but if we see a doozy coming, we get real with each other. I have done this for my gfs, and they have done it for me.

But I've never had to throw myself in front of such Drew/Scott Peterson-esque creepy stuff before.

LW#4: Well aren't you two progressive?

How is it that you two are both getting all this play? I call fakeroonies on this letter. There are people who get laid a lot in college by a lot of people, sure, and they are athletes and pot dealers and no one else.

But anyway, if you two are going to be analytical about your sexual life, you're not going to get anywhere. Because being monogamous, much like being non-exclusive, is about meeting a need that is not rational. You're not going to be able to use the same vocab, much less outwit your bf into coming around to your way of thinking. This is about needs, and feelings, which are not silly at all.

Frankly, if this is your elephant in the room, and you think he's going to make you feel like less of a person or stupid or naive for being vulnerable and having feelings and needs, this guy sounds like a loser. And a manipulative twat to boot. ("I'm just being frank, baby. I love you alone, but Mindy was a hot lay the other night. I like banging other chicks and having you here in case I can't find any on Thursday night. You can take that level of honesty, right?" "Uh, yeah, of course.")

Your partner should be someone who loves you and wants to make you happy, not someone who makes you feel small for wanting to be exclusive. Being exclusive should not be a sacrifice to someone who really loves you.

BTW you're totally young and you will change a lot over the next decade and have a lot of time to meet someone who will meet your needs. Because I think you should DTMFA and look for a guy who won't walk all over you, or pretend that "frankness" is honesty when it is actually manipulation.

From My Orbit

2010-02-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

You know that if you need original letters, you can read them here.

LW#1: Man, what to do about this one? You have an argument with your wife where you point blank ask her if she's slept with your brother, she says yes, albeit years before you got together, and you think, had you but known, your whole relationship would have never happened. Oh yeah, and you hate your brother for his ability to "manipulate" women into bed and also them for falling for what I presume you think is his line of b.s.

At the same time, you don't want to "negatively impact" your three kids by divorcing the woman you now think is tainted.

To start, I'll say this: Virtually every woman has slept with your brother, or some variation on him. Why do we do this? Because we make mistakes. Why do we make mistakes? Because we're not perfect. Some of us have low self esteem and think if someone wants to boink us, that is great no matter who exactly it is. Some of us don't know the people we boink very well when we boink them, and then further down the road they turn out to be boneheads or worse. Sometimes we are just horny and your brother is available. There are a million reasons why women boink men like your brother, but the underlying reason is that we are not perfect. We are human.

So let's back off the taint thing. She had sex with your brother, but it was way before you got together. She could not have known about you two.

Now, you kind of have this fantasy that had you known, you would have rejected her altogether and your life would be great. You probably got a nice fantasy going on.

But let's get back to reality. You have a disintegrating marriage for many reasons that have nothing to do with your wife's having slept with your brother. You have pegged this as the reason you feel so much contempt for her, but really, you just feel contempt for her. You don't communicate with her. You have these feelings, and she probably feels them too, which is why she threw her fling in your face.

At this point, you two have to decide if you're willing to work on your marriage or not. Either you are or you aren't, and you need to put the kids aside for a second. If you and your wife can't cobble together an awesome relationship, a life of happiness, your sons will feel that every day.

And whether or not you can find yourself willing to do the necessary hard work — with a marital counselor — you will be doing yourself a favor if you can release your wife from your anger over this one incident. Because she was, and is, human. And to forgive, it's divine.

LW#2: I wouldn't call this an actual indiscretion, even. The fact that you quit your job speaks to me of your flair for the dramatic, in spite of your protestations that it was to avoid drama.

And let's say your husband is actually completely serious and some fooling around from years ago would actually make him blow like Krakatoa. Well, carrying around a secret copped feel would sure feel like a big thing. If he's that jealous, this nothing thing takes on an enormous weight of its own.

So here's the thing: Without him being such a jealous person, this thing means nothing. The whole context of his jealousy puts the import on a drunken mistake. It probably even encouraged you, the dramatic drama-avoider, to get a little drama.

Forget the sham talk. Forget it ever happened, and get some positive attention in your marriage. Valentine's Day is coming up. If he won't wine and dine you, get a babysitter and do it to him.

LW#3: Unless the counselor and pills have not been to address his ongoing, relentless negativity and loss, you can't say you didn't do everything.

Obviously, it's not an easy thing to say, "Cheer up or I'll leave you," but it sounds like that is what you are about to say. And if you are there, then you are there. And if you are a decent, ethical, loving human, then you awful about it, and probably don't want to be there. But it seems you are.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.

LW#4: He should speak up. This is completely wrong.

If the boss gets fired, that should be okay. He has a lot of people who owe him a favor. And if he can't find help now, he has earned some reward. It may just be in heaven, is all.

From My Orbit

2010-01-31T14:24:00.000-08:00

As you all know, original letters are here.

LW#1: There are a lot of red flags on this play. You read a lot of self-help books, and yet you realize that you're a controlling, judgmental, unloving, abusive creep when you're in a relationship. You want to change, obviously. And I bet you've been flamed to kingdom come by all the right people.

Well, this is a serious problem so I have two tips from you. Number one, get a shrink. Seriously. Like NOW. There should be one on campus, if not some sort of referral service that can help you find a cheap or no-cost alternative.

Number two: Read up on feminism. I swear to God, this is a framework that will lift so many scales from your eyes your mind will blow up. At its bottom, feminism says that women are people, too. Women who are allowed to have the failings you yourself work so hard not to have (like occasional casual sex -- where no one gets hurt -- is a bad thing? Come on, dude!). Women whose worth is not measured solely by their conformity to your ideas of what they should be, but by the profoundness of who they actually are. Women who have histories that you don't have to know because you can know the personality that has sprung from those histories, and cherish that personality.

A special note on jealousy: You need to let the idea that a woman is tainted by her previous relationships go, because guess what? She did not belong to those men and she does not currently belong to you. You have nothing to be jealous of, because she as a person is not yours. You should consider yourself two people who are lucky enough to have the time you have together. Because really, all you have in this world is time, your brain, your body. And that's it.

I'm also totally freaked out by your feeling that you and your girlfriend have to be perfect in all ways. I know you're young, but you're a human being, and as such, you have failings. Denial of your personal failings leads to some really awful, wacked-out behavior that is actually always way way worse than those human failings.

Anyway, get thee to a shrink. A feminist one, at that. And for the love of little baby tree frogs stop doing this ridiculous "we fell in love like superfast" without recognizing that those dopamine drops and instantaneous attractions are clear and present warning signs that you're about to fall into old, destructive patterns.

Good luck!

Special to Orbiters: Isn't it interesting that the inverse of "He's great but he wants me to drop 20 pounds and all contact with my family" is "She's great but she had teh secks before she met me and for reasons of which I disapprove even though I was not a partner to said secks"? That is, that it all boils down to the same problem but from two different perspectives?

LW#2: Hon, you don't owe Ted anything.

That was your mother's money to spend (so to speak), and so she did.

Sounds to me like Ted could use a little tough love from Michelle Singletary (and really, who ARE these people who think a job that requires, max, a high school degree can support a family? What are they smoking? Why do so many Americans totally fail to recognize that the dream of a working father, SAHM and 2.5 kids has only been a reality for a very small group of people for any significant time at all? That it is not a birthright, either?). She would totally call him out for being triflin'.

I would withhold any hush money. Otherwise he'll just become a whiny pain every time he needs something, but to you instead of your parents.

Also, send him a copy of the letter.

The thing you do owe someone is a break, for yourself! You have done everything right, and against the odds. So pay down your mortgage/put a down payment on a home, put some away for college for the kids and use the rest to get that new appliance you need and save for the car repair bills you know are coming eventually.

LW#3: This is a crazy, crazy lady. Just give her a hairy eyeball and walk on.

Look at it this way: She isn't going to stop burning bridges with just you. Eventually, she'll have to go to a whole new neighborhood to wreak her special crazy havoc.

LW#4: Unfriend her. Duh.

From My Orbit

2010-01-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

As per usual, original letters are here.

LW#1: It's kind of hard to know what to say here since two couples, one vacation rental, two weeks kind of sounds like a Bob and Alice and Ted and Joan (or whatever that movie or book or whatever was titled) situation.

On one hand, you guys all totally get along and like each other, but the limits of that like were tested. Most people end up sick and tired of the other couple's habits. But apparently you guys got along so great that unexpected sex occurred, driving the limits in the opposite of their usual direction (ie towards too much intimacy).

I've been trying to think what I'd do if I were in your shoes, and the answer is this: Let the friendship fade. If you truly and honestly believe that this was a one-off on both their parts, then you know that the closeness between your family and theirs can get a little crazy.

I also think you need to work on your boundaries as a person, your husband's boundaries as a person, and your boundaries as a couple. There are appropriate intimate relationships, and there are icky ones, and this friendship got all icky all fast, and obviously both you guys and they have something going on that trips all y'all's triggers in inappropriate ways.

LW#2: The solution is to take her out to eat more or start cooking yourself. "I am a partner in a large law firm" says to me that maybe you can even HIRE someone to do the cooking for you!

Also consider getting yourself tested for allergies. And having your wife's iron gut tested for what it can do for military sciences.

LW#3: It is time for your yard to become just your yard again.

Sure, the death of a young man is a pretty big event for your yard to have been the scene of. But your yard is also where kids play, dogs scratch dirt and newpaper delivery boys (who are woefully undertipped) leave your papers by accident on occasion.

So go ahead and reclaim your yard. Take the stuff that has accumulated to his family's, and say that you want them to have these memorial items. His memory is now for them to maintain, you can't bear the burden of it being in your yard anymore. Make it clear that you are trying to be as respectful as possible of the things that have accumulated, of their sensitivity. Because they are probably extremely ceremonial people, try to collect the things in as ceremonial a way possible, perhaps going so far as to rearrange everything on a pallet. I am dead serious.

You may want to throw in something (true or not) that their son's death was a wrenching experience for you, and it is hard to see these memorials up day in and out.

BTW, if you find a drunk, dying green spacelady in an orange bikini in your yard, having crashed her saucer on the way back from an intergalactic disco boogie, don't let people put clutter in your yard in my memory. I think it's a distraction, tacky and frankly it's just a bunch of clutter.

LW#4: These friends of yours are going to lose a lot of friends fast if they demand their money for multilevel (ie pyramid) marketing schemes. So tell them that if they're after your money, you're not interested. But when they want to be friends, you'll be around.

As for your customers, I'm going to say listen to the P-dawg here. Stay tactful and upbeat, but for the love of all things holy, there is no reason on this earth to get that $40/bottle Mona Vie.

From My Orbit

2010-01-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

As per usual, originals can be found here.

LW#1: You say you watch scantily-clad neighbors through their curtains, and you wonder if this is a form of cheating on your wife, to whom you are happily married even though you're in your 20s.

I suppose it's a lot easier to ask, "Am I a cheater?" than, "Am I a creepy peeping Tom?"

Because the answer to the cheating is no, you're not. But as to the question about whether or not you are gross is a definitive yes.

You also ask if you should reach out to these neighbors and tell them they've been putting on a show for months and to please draw the curtain. I'd phrase it as "I saw you through your window by accident the other day."

Some may say that the girls have no reasonable expectation of privacy, or that they probably don't even care and don't mind flashing the neighborhood because they're sluts. But unless they are spending lingering amounts of time posing in front of their windows like red light district prostitutes, they are counting on coincidence and neighborliness to keep them safe from prying eyes.

Apparently they couldn't count on yours. And that's a lesson to us all, says the alien who had a large window (though somewhat high) facing the street and a mini trampoline she used to bounce around on in her T-shirt and undies after a long day to loosen up while the blinds were up.

Special to Prudie: When two people make a date to violate the privacy of another person for sexual titillation, that's even creepier than one sad horndog caught off-guard.

LW#2: OMG. You should have just declined when you learned it was about work. Take it from me, there is some crap that goes on that you just flat out do not need or want to know.

You are all bad actors, and this is a dumb situation. Can all three of you not learn from it and move on like adults?

LW#3: You are terrified of spiders, yet for him you bought a tarantula. And though you nightly have (somewhat unjustified) terrors of the thing, you have lived with it for two years.

While your husband has open eyes about the lack of safety hazard caused by tarantulas (although I'd hate to think of a curious toddler putting it in his mouth), he is apparently completely blinded to his duty to be mindful of your needs, including your need to feel safe. And now you're reproducing with him.

What else is there about him that you have learned to ignore, much like you ignore that tarantula in that corner of the room?

For the record: Getting a pet that is a predator and undomesticated, like a tarantula or a snake, means not only taking on certain risks, but taking on an animal that will never love you. Do not enter into this sort of pet ownership with a light heart and an easy mind.

LW#4: Just ignore the creep. Presumably, if he doesn't lessen his creeper ways, you'll know the legal avenues to take to deal with him.

From My Orbit

2010-01-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

As per usual, original letters are here.

Hey there gorgeous people.

I have been a bad alien. I have neglected you. It hasn't just been this week, but several where I have been late.

Out here, in space, I have had some new work assignments. They are permanent. And while I am so far liking to loving them, they are keeping me way busy. It is a terrible thing, but it is Friday evening your time and I have just now begun to read the Proodster.

I hate to tell you that this may be a new reality we may have to adjust to, but ... there is no way with this new work situation that I'm going to be able to sneakily do an FMO, much less sign into my top secret blogger account. And it looks like I will have to take a more ringside

I hope that you can be strong. For me. >8-)

On to the letters!

LW#1: Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.

I think you handled this as well as could be expected. I am very skeptical of the idea that nervous boys, about to be called out on their not knowing something, reach to make sure their balls are still attached to their bodies. I mean, I suppose this is possible, but I am really hoping Prudie's daughter's male classmates are actually getting some of this taunting she is talking about, because I don't remember boys adjusting themselves in class when I was little.

Insert "parents today/kids today" rant.

Frankly, if you are calling them out on being nasty, that is obviously something they need to hear. Don't bother getting some older dude to "rap with them." Just short and sweet say, "Dude, your hands were around your sweaty twigs and berries! Get away from my computer until you have Purelled yourself into next Wednesday!" then move on. That should suffice.

And, for the record, why are teenage boys so gross? It seems such a shame considering how horny they are, too.

LW#2: Are Prudie and I catching up at the very same time on "The Sopranos" season three? The most interesting effect about watching that show is I curse like a f*cking mobster for about three hours after I watch it. And I start thinking about how nice some gabbagool would taste.

Anyway, "My dad was this totally awesome guy who never made any rules or set any boundaries because he was passed out on the couch pretty much all the time" is not going to cut it. It's not only going to upset your mother, it's pretty much calculated to upset everyone.

Now, I am going to step back a moment and say that I think it's very interesting that you have created such a passive image of your father. You're acting like he's already dead! You even talk about him in the past tense! I mean, passing out may be all he did when you were a kid, but dysfunctional alcoholics rarely are so completely disengaged from their family. Usually they're manipulative, especially to their enablers. Like your mother, who clearly was one.

That is to say: There is a world of crap beneath what you have said. And I think your throwing up your hands to your mother is a very passive, almost your-father-like way, of dealing with the situation.

Not that it's a bad thing to not want to dig if you're getting along just fine in your life. Sometimes digging can only lead to more trouble. On the other hand, look at "The Sopranos". Tony's therapy illuminates only the fact that he hates his mother, and is so disgusted by her sexuality (which was only apparently aroused by meat his father got through violence) he passes out when he sees meat. The fact that he hates his mom kills him inside. And she hates him back, telling Uncle Junior to put out a hit on him.

Although Tony's therapy never seems to work (I mean, it's sort of the framework around which the show's concept was built), the stories you tell yourself about your father, and the stories you avoid remembering about your father, are significant to you. I think if you go through these stories with clear eyes and a forgiving heart (to yourself at least, to your mother if possible, to your father, who is still alive, if you can bear to), you may make some breakthroughs that will help you, if not your parents.

I'm not saying you have to dredge your memory for something positive about the man, I'm saying that as much as you reject the man, he appears to have an influence on you. I'm not saying that a eulogy is a place to confront this, much less make him out to be some kind of heroic person, but you should start somewhere, and hopefully before your father dies.

Good luck!

LW#3: I think you're going to have to be honest with your friend. It's what friends do. And also, if you know she likes you for you and not your piano money, you know it is real.

LW#4: I suppose it takes a certain amount of balls to just text someone "u want 2 go out? Got tix 4 Avatar 2nite" instead of calling. So you could look at it that way.

Plus, it's just a date. Let me reiterate. It's JUST. a. Date.

Besides, the asking via text may not be showing a certain lack of confidence. You may have to actually go out to Avatar to see Mr. Textypants in action, showing a pretense of complete lack of awareness of other people as he texts through the movie. Those may not be the balls that you are looking for, but the thing is, you never really know how confident a person is until after a few dates. We're all on our (alleged) best behavior for the first few dates, and we're all kind of nervous.

Besides, imagine a life in which you are tired of not ever being asked out in any way shape or form, you lucky little ducky.

Besides, there is a cute, flirty way you can handle this. Text back, "If u call me to ask I'll say yes."

I find it less offensive to text for a date than to dismiss a semi-flirty text with a huff instead of responding with a semi-flirty text. Unless you know the texter is a ball-adjusting passing out drunk piano teacher or something.

From My Orbit

2010-01-02T16:16:00.000-08:00

I am so late on this, I apologize. Needless to say, I have been making a report back to the home planet, and showing it and its exotic ways (like black eyed peas for New Year) to the Astronaut.
LW#1: She really wants a job there? She will have to find a way to get it. Although it may have been kind of gnarly of you to keep this job application all top secret, the idea that she is saying SHE thinks YOU would HATE IT at that place is pretty weird posturing on her part.

If she were smart she would look at you as a means to her preferred end, job skills alignment/needs or not. You know, as her mole/source for employment there in the event you make the cut at all. But it sounds like she's not really that smart. I mean, really.

My only advice for you is to look at this job on its own merits and your own plans for the future and let her recuperate from her own mistakes. Just because she's jealous doesn't mean you need to walk all carefully around her, or even go after her. Her timing is off, and she is going to have to do more to get what she wants than hoping for a particular opening for her in the place she thinks she wants to work.

LW#2: As long as you're not a little too constant in mentioning your mother (you know, like, friend to waiter: "I think I'd like a Coke." You: "Mom loved Coca-cola."), then just remember that other people don't know how to address loss in general, much less the specific, tragic loss of a mother at a young age.

Maybe you can interrupt their silence with, "Sorry if that's awkward. I'm doing okay."

LW#3: Ah, the open adoption and the myriad social awkwardnesses opened up by incorporating yet one more branch of an extended family into your own.

Well, I think both you and your wife have valid points. It's perfectly natural for her to want her child to be her child. It is perfectly natural to accept a gift to benefit him from someone that you kind of sort of had some kind of contact with, and that you know cares about his welfare.

There is a huge gulf between "worm their way in" and "take away," and you seem to be blind to it. So first, put those eyelids up. How much privacy do you and your wife want in the way you are raising your son? How much do you want him to be part of *your* family, ie not having more grandparents than your and your wife's parents? How does she feel? (Sometimes, I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn, people don't even like their own parents telling them what to do to properly raise a kid.)

At this point, there's no telling what, exactly, the biogrand was hoping for (could have been a farewell gift), but it sounds like this is a boundary you and your wife will have to set and maintain. As a unit. That you aren't really aware of the whole family dynamic — of the biomom, the biograndmom, etc. — and what their expectations of their relationships with the baby and you and your wife, says to me that you may not be in a very good position to decide what to do with the gifts in a sensitive way. (Apologies if you post to the Fray, I haven't seen anything there yet and I know I'm totes late.)

Anyway, this sounds less like a letter for the internet lady and more like a nice, long talk with your wife, and then with the biograndmother.

LW#4: Okay, that first sentence was confusing. I was all, "Your teen is dating a man your age???? DOUBLE YOO TEE EFF??"

So all your needs are being filled except this one? And it has moved you to write to the internet lady? Really?

Either come back with the real problem that is nagging at you or be grateful for what you have. If this lack of flowers is the hill upon which you want to die, I think that is a problem the Fray would be happy to help you understand their point of view with.

LOLcat I forgotted

2009-12-29T10:51:00.000-08:00

Dir Proody,

For Catsmas, I raps mah presents in tricky wais. Now I haz created the ultimate rapping: A metal box soddered shut. Inside iz catnip. For mai motherinlawcat to be. She hatez me. Mai girlfren sai: "I no think this a gud idea, espeshully becuz she hatez u." But I think this ultimate hilaritee. Whut sai u?

Heh heh heh

Dir Heh,

Look, u obveeussly hatez her, too, so wai u not kill her? For that matter, wai she not kill u by nao?

From My LOLcats

2009-12-27T15:17:00.000-08:00

Proody cat think she may owe u guyz sum moar LOLcat fun frum the past. Proody cat will get rite on it when she feel gud and reddy, 'kay?

Dir Proody,

Mai sister, I buy her gifts! She come visit all teh wai frum teh country! We haz amazing Catmas! But nao she sai she want me tu send her gifs to her by teh mailman so she no haz to carry them in her carrier. I think, 'Christ on a cracker, u du this urself!' Am I bad for that?

Big sistercat

Sistercat,

No. U r not.

Dir Proody,

I iz in luv! We dayt sereeuss for a month nao! But she get a gif from a tomcat who I know is married! She sai, 'Oh, it okay, he gif lot of munnay to church.' But I sai, 'U no church, u gif those gifs to poor kittehs!' But she be wearin' the fancy catspray he gifs her teh next week! Whut I do nao?

Whut with this church talk?

Dir Churchtalk,

I do not understand how the church is relevant to ur interests here. But please explain, why u so toar up about those gifs? They are not the ones boinking ur girlycat. That would be Mr. Churchypants. I suggest u either ask girlycat to be ur wun an ownly but for reelzies, or u find a girlycat u not be telling to gif away catspray becuz she mayk u so jealous.

Dir Proody,

I be marryin' a wunnerful girlycat! But her aunt and uncle, they no be likin' public healthcare so much they send a tackee Christmas card saying "We No Like Public Healthcare." Nao I never want to talk to them. That so bad?

They're opinionated

Dear Opinionated,

Be that as it may, u realize they is being jackasses. Why u be jackass 2? Don't u got jackass cats in ur family? U may only ignore girlycat's jackass relatives if u kill ur own, just so there not be a dubble standard.

Merry Catsmas everybody! Don't eat the poinsettias! They can be toxic!

From My Orbit

2009-12-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

OMG it's been so long! I will try to never be away from you all that long again! Okay! Here we go!

As usual, read it all here first.

LW#1: Sister wants YOU to take time out and pay to ship her gifts? I see why you are upset. No need to pile on the "we are professionals" here, just when your sister says something patently crazy, call her out with a laugh and a "that's crazytalk." If she repeats herself, say, "Look, the post office? We'll give you a ride there on Dec. 26." Yes, they were open.

Telling her that you're willing to share the inconvenience that way is about as good as you can do, and that she's awfully demanding, isn't she?

LW#2: Well, you only started seriously dating her a month ago. Look, is this the kind of person you want to be with? And moreover, is this the kind of person you want to be? Suspicious, jealous and trying to make her give up gifts that are just lotion and perfume (hey, the fact that he knows what she likes probably means bupkis, if that means anything to you. These are superbasic gifts for chicks). Sure, she's kind of weird about these gifts, and that means, I think, more than the whole tension you're creating around them in and of themselves.

I don't get what all her church talk or "he's married" talk is about, but let's face it, you've been in this thing a month and already you sense she has checked out. Nothing at all you can do about that, dude.

LW#3: So they breached etiquette, that's what a-holes do.

Now you are both totally aware that they are big a-holes. I don't see why you need to go all crazy doubling down on the number of a-holes in the family by refusing to see them for Christmas.

Besides, these are an aunt and uncle, fairly peripheral to the people you will be seeing. And EVERYBODY has an a-hole relative they don't want to see. Just ask around the Fray.

Your best bet is to shrug your shoulders, realize that you cannot control nor reform these a-holes, and move along in your own lives with as much dignity and grace as you personally can muster and not take things so personal.

LW#4: She hates you out loud, and you act your hatred of her out passive-aggresive style. Great.

I mean, as long as you realize that what you are doing is an act of malicious spite, as long as you realize that what you are doing will do nothing to thaw out your frosty relationship with this woman and do everything to make it colder. As long as you realize that your special someone is going to have to be the filter for this negative two way hatred, a position I'm sure she'll just freaking love, then go ahead, put your feelings in that locked metal box.

I mean, don't feel obligated to be the better person just because you want to show your honey that you aren't going to let her mother hate you for foolish reasons only, and not any actual behavior on your part.

Sheesh.

I doubt you'd call this wrapping a "masterpiece" if you hadn't heard some cartoon villain use it before.

Besides, she isn't in on the longstanding years of prank wrapping.

Give people a break. They may give you one in return, awesome rich prankster dude.

From My Orbit

2009-12-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

As usual, read the letters here

LW#1: Oh for the love of Pete. Nothing says helicopter parent like "we're not diapering widdle baby because we read a book on how great it is not to!" I mean seriously, you have to be there all. the. time. Plus, the "most places in the world" that don't "do this" also have insane disease transmission rates, unhealthy streets and dirt floors.

Seriously, dude, I have been there. I have seen the diaper-free babies. They are not diaper-free by mom's choice. Look, I'm going to get to praising you in a minute, but I have to take a pause here to berate you a bit. Okay, back to rant: In fact, the women have a lot less choice in a lot more things than you think, so stop fooling yourself that they're so in touch with their babies and their peeing and pooping out of something that is anything other than dire necessity.

I mean, organic reusable cotton didies won't do it for you?

But okay, praise time: You are really researching for your twins, and you're doing some very nice things for the planet by trying to go low-impact here. You are to be commended. Also, I appreciate parents who are going to make their kids learn to go diaper-free post haste, because it is good for the planet and teaches personal control and how many more anal-expulsive folks does this world need?

Oh yeah, you ever heard of something called a "baby shower registry?" Use one. Load it up so there are organic options for every budget. I mean, go nuts. People will think you're greedy, not that you are trying to save the planet. Or, worse, that you're an ingrate when they buy you bottles loaded with phthlates and you shriek in horror and pick them up with tongs and put them in the trash. You may also want to consider naming a charity (perhaps one that helps women in non-diapering countries have access to choices about their and their family's economic future) people can donate to in the babies' names.

But really, consider the reusable diaper. They not only will save any nice carpet or Pergo floors you may have (not to mention your sanity), they will probably help you in this huge adjustment you're making bringing these two bundles of joy into your lives.

I'm just saying, there is being a good citizen of the Earth, and there is realizing when you need to give yourself (and your sweet diddumses!) a break.

Oh, and please do not do the non-vaccination foolishness.

That's all.

LW#2: Your aunt did WHAT???

That is shameless, and I reckon there is not much more that you can do other than to confront her and ask her to be straight with you now. And if someone lets you know they gave money to her, you might want to tell them the truth, because it isn't fair to that person to lie to them.

While talking bad behind her back might make you feel good and might give you a little vindication, (because I am not going to say you need to continue the lie to anyone else that she has perpetrated) don't let anger and bitterness get the better of you.

Sometimes we pay a price to find out what kind of people other people are, literally.

LW#3: You'll feel uncomfortable? Huh. Imagine how the wife will feel.

You have been sucked into this man's personal drama, and you basically let it happen. When a jerk tells you: "I told her you were going so you have to know or she'll know!" those are about bad consequences happening to *him,* not her. So you are supposed to say: "Well, let her know." or just, "You'll have to tell her I had a migraine and couldn't go." I mean, reach down deep inside for some strength or something!

But since you couldn't dig then, you'll have to freaking excavate now. I mean it, get out the emotional backhoe until you find a little seam of internal iron, and tell him (face, phone, email) that you don't appreciate being his alibi and he can't rely on you to keep the truth from his wife is she asks about any lies he has dragged you into. Tell him to get his shizz together and reevaluate his life and marriage, because they are none of your beeswax anyway.

LW#4: Oh great, all the Fraystians are going to go bonkers on this one.

Look, let's take religion, which is totally fraught, out of it. Imagine if your parents were really big fishermen, and they liked to go fishing all the time, and you, you are cool with fishing because it is a family tradition, even if you'd rather not bother on your own. And, although you aren't the most faithful fisher, you find comfort in your family's fishing heritage and skill. But the boyfriend really, really, really does not like fishing and in fact disagrees with it so much as to say he doesn't want to get on your folk's boat at 5 a.m. because he'll get seasick. You tell him, geez, it's just a lake, man, you don't even have to hold a pole. And he's all, no way, I am so not in.

The thing is, we all have to do things for family's sake that we normally wouldn't choose to do and certainly don't want to do. He should be mature enough to know this, and to indulge you and your parents. Sounds like he's not. (People, going to church is not the same as torturing small animals, unless it's one of those places with speaking in tongues, and then that can be amusing and anthropological to boot!)

On the other hand, if you're concerned about your parents finding out he's an atheist because he won't go to church instead of finding out he's a boor who won't just do the bare minimum to fit in a family, you need to reconsider your own maturity levels. Growin' up, it's not about covering up who you and others are for the 'rents' sakes.

Letters

2009-12-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

Remember, the other advice columnists have too many freaks writing to them to address your issue. Me? I hardly have any! What I'm saying is, if you want some entertainment-purposes only advice, you can send it to frommyorbit at gmail.com.

I know you have some Holiday Drama, please! Do share it with the smart and sophisticated readers of From My Orbit! I will keep you completely anonymous.

FMO: Short takes

2009-12-14T16:23:00.000-08:00

As usual, originals here.

Note: Prudie is Jewish but celebrated the secular Christmas. Nice to know. I'm christian and have celebrated the religious Hanukkah and Passover before, because there are not a lot of members of the Tribe in space, and those who are here take what aliens they can to participate.

My dog is dying and MIL says kennel him: Do what you need to do. If you are looking at anyone else to give you the permission to do what you feel is best (stay home) that's insane. I know you don't want to disappoint anyone, but c'mon, this is like your kid here, am I right?

Paper carrier crassness: I guess he couldn't tell you were a Scrooge when he asked for a tip. Jesus H., just tip the poor bastard. I can't think of a worse job than being a paper carrier — 7 days a week, hours begin at something like 5 a.m. or earlier, the pay absolutely sucks, you have to do it in all sorts of weather. These days a lot of paper carriers are grown ups, often with developmental disabilities (like my paper guy), and their earning potential is way limited. You have a nice brick house? Spread it around a little.

Surprise! Xmas at your house: This is where you (and your man) learn to say "No" and stick to it with your husband's family. They're coming anyway? Quick! To the minivan for an impromptu look at neighbor Christmas lights!

What to get my dad with the evil wife?: A gift card? A gift certificate at a restaurant? I mean, maybe enclose these in a card that says something like, "This is the gift you get when you marry a psychobitch. Wish I knew you better, but oh well it was your call and you just played through like you didn't notice lo those many years ago." Does Hallmark have a line like that?

Cinderelly: Why can't he at least stay over to wake up before you to do the dishes? He sounds like a crumb and you should have a talk with him about any other promises he can't keep before he starts making them to you.

Cheap ass tipper: What a paper carrier makes is absolutely piddling. You sound like a hard-hearted jerk. The kind who won't let his employee throw another coal on the fire. Enjoy the chains you forged in life after you die.

How to let hubby know I'm knocked up without his parents suspecting when I give him booties and a bib: Retro attitude here, with the "I'm having his baby, what a lovely gift" vibe. Just tell him. Pre-Xmas. This baby is a life-changing event, not a gift.

Why tip someone with a job?: Why are you taking the paper if your man has been out of work three months? Oh right, you're on unemployment and can afford it. I hope you're also not not-tipping when you eat out and "can't afford it." Again, DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW WHAT PAPERBOYS MAKE??? (They may make $10 an hour (not in my orbit), but they work 2-4 hours a day, generally.) And if they are developmentally disabled, as many, many of them are, they may not make more than a very, very low amount or they will be permanently disqualified from getting SSI bennies, which are absolutely critical because they cannot compete in the marketplace for actual jobs. So $20-$50 or so under the table is a huge effing deal to them. Like, HUGE.

"Sit in Santa's Lap, little girl": You can say it makes you uncomfortable, or you can cut a joke about your new entry for your sexual harrassment diary, but whatever you do, make sure you do it. Another option: email them all the website creepysanta.com and say, "This is where we'd be sending the pictures, LOL." LOLNOT also works there.

Cinderelly part duh: He sounds like a zero. A zero who lies. Call him on it, shut him down and see if he values you for more than your central location and hostess and cleaning skills.

Off the dog: Actually, this sounds about right, unless the dog is still having quality of life.

Should I feel Guilty?: Hell no, he should have. I can't believe you're worried about how YOU are perceived when HE is a MOLESTER!!!

Beauty Schooler dating richish dude: I believe Pogue Mahone said it best. The gift of BJs. Seriously, just give him the gift of you and your future together.

He cheated, and everyone knows: Well, this sounds like a recipe for something not tasty. Hopefully everyone will be civil, but it sounds like you two are in a fragile place, and some people can't help but want events to come out how THEY want them to instead of you. And you will not only have to insulate yourself from their possible aggression, but your possible defensiveness/latching on more strongly to Mr. Right. See what I'm saying?

Turkey: Yeah, might as well bring this up. Can't see how any non-jerk would object.

Getting the kids liquored up: It's up to the parents to decide for their kids (though the ones at college may balk, it's not like they should be wanting to get lit around the folks). It's up to you to say, "If I were your dad, I would totally be cool with you having a little champagne."

Cheap tippers unite!: Why is it that tipping discussions bring out everyone? If your delivery person sucks, call their boss at the paper's circulation department before Xmas! Problem solved! Then you may tip happily instead of whine about the crappy job they're doing! And you, Menlo Park, why not just move your frickin car a skoshe instead of getting dirty? No Edison are you!

People and Xmas equals hell: Don't show up, like the woman says. If you need this, you need it. And your husband needs to be at the forefront of your combined resolve.

Photo girl: Oh, that's precious.

After this chat, I will be giving my paper delivery guy a bigger tip than normal. I can afford it, and I'm proud to do it, and now I realize what hard-hearted and clueless (hellO MENLO) people there are out there.

From My LOLcats

2009-12-13T16:29:00.001-08:00

Dir Proody,

Mai ex-boifren who left me when I was preggers wif mai kitteh son, tell that kitteh that there is no such thing as Santa Claws. But mah kitteh, he ask me for konfurmashun. I no want kill holidae magik! But I no want heem not trusstin me, neether. Whu I do nao?

Toyland

Dir Toyland,

Ur ex-boifren, he sound not so good, laik bad tomcat. All I say is, if u kill heem, u can be tellin' ur kitteh mebbeh there ain't no daddicat neether, and then the loss of the feeling of majical goodnuss is the leest of kitteh's problems.

Dir Proody,

Mai fatcat of a boss is sayin' all us little guys haff to give heem $75 for a prezzunt and we go celebrate Catsmas at big fancy restaurant wif kaviar and kreem. But I is a poor kitteh who can barely buy a teensy bit of catnip for mommicat. Whu I do nao?

Poor widdle shnookums

Dir Widdle,

Ur boss I can get behind. Whai u not try becoming boss? Then all give tribyoot to u. To haff this, it takes skeel and a mercenary spirit. Which u no haff. Until u haz it, u r pwned.

Dir Proody,

I get mai hubbicat a gift, and he no laik! Evry tyme! Whut I get heem nao?

Gifted

Dir Gifted,

U get him a smack in the fayse, that whut u gift heem.

Dir Proody,

I haz a gay, and I iz happi wif it. Mai mommicat and teh other kittehs in mai litter not laik mah gay so much, tho. They say if I come for Catsmas, I gotta act laik I laik pussy. But pussy? DO NOT WANT. I go there or I juss chill wif mai reel frens, all teh other stray catz?

Fabyooluss cat

Dir Fabyooluss,

U gotta be u. If u got cat class and u gotz cat style, except when u iz at ur mommicat's, stay wif ur stray cat buddiez.

Proodycat owt.

From My Orbit

2009-12-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

As usual, original letters can be found here.

LW#1: Your ex is kind of an a-hole, I will give you that, if your version of events is correct and, totally unprompted by the child, he just decided to take a dump on the fantasy that is Santa Claus.

On the other hand, by age 8, I think it's appropriate for kids to start discovering the boundary of fantasy. That is, at some point, they can't be thinking there are fairies and unicorns and Santa and his merry band of toy-making slaves, er, elves, and flying reindeer. But that's not all! There is the dark side of fantasy! Witches, evil powers, the devil, goblins and demons. Learning that those creatures don't exist, and that mankind basically creates its own hell with no supernatural prompting, is a lesson that is important, sad and at the same time reassuring one.

Think back on your own Santa revelation time. Mine was pathetically late, as I had "heard Santa's deer" on the roof during a period of skepticism/hypothesis testing one Christmas Eve and I was good until about 11 or 12, when finally I had to face the fact that elves did not make Fisher-Price toys, Fisher-Price did. Also, the time I didn't tell my parents I lost a molar and the Tooth Fairy didn't come and I threw a fit at the breakfast table, blubbing and declaring, "YOU LIED TO ME!!!" I was the sort who was not one to let the fantasy go, you know?

The point is, we all put this in context eventually. Usually within a few hours or days. Kids are actually quite resilient, and are better at taking in news than people give them credit for. What they really want to hear is that you will protect them, that they are safe, and that their trust is not completely misplaced. And I'm pretty sure that all of us who had loving parents were able to get over the blow, especially if our parents were sensitive about it and not caustic (like your ex) or mocking.

Also, I suggest that your last q: "What's there to live for when you don't believe in all the things that make a moment special?" Needs to be readjusted. I mean, you hear it all the time: Santa is not the be all and end all of Christmas. It's about family, love, religious faith, seeing light return to the world after a dark period, knowing that the worst is over. There are so many things that make every moment special, and the more your child knows about those things, and values those things over something make-believe and materialistic, the better off he'll be.

Best of luck!

LW#2: Everyone chips in $75 to buy the boss a present? What? Isn't he the one making the bank here?

Honey, I feel your pain. This sounds like a crazy situation. I suggest you find someone more experienced who you consider reasonable at the office and say, "Here is my problem: I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't pony up $75 for the boss. I'm not even ponying up $75 for my own mother. I don't want to be looked at poorly for this, but I am, in fact, kinda poor." I mean, first, get your arms around this thing and see if you're not reading overly-dramatic expectations into it. Because Jeebus, there is a recession on and I can't imagine the boss is really such a dingleberry that this is the kind of thing he expects at such a time, especially knowing his own workers' salaries. (OTOH, he has been accepting this, so that puts him in a messed-up light, too.)

Another recommendation I'll make for you is to read Elizabeth Warren's "All Your Worth." It is a book about budgeting that makes it *real* simple. And I'd tell you to start reading Michelle Singletary's comments on the Washington Post website. She is the "Color of Money" columnist, and although her philosophies are occasionally on the religious side, she has good advice in general. Because it sounds like you need some budgeting help in general.

LW#3: Give him a gift card from here out and he can use it to buy gifts for others. He's obviously got some kind of compulsion that you can't help at all. The only thing you can do is quit giving him meaningful gifts, because it turns his rejection of them into a rejection of you. So stop making your gifts to him about you, like the charity donations Prudie talked about.

Also, maybe you could ask him to research the best couples counselor in town, because obviously there is some chip in his brain he is bypassing and he could use someone professional (of his choice) to help him access it.

LW#4: Your mom sure sounds like some shrink. One wonders about the damage she may have inflicted on her non-straight patients. In fact, the whole drama of avoiding any personal questions to you basically undermines all her claims of competency.

But back to you. I think there is nothing wrong with spending the holidays with people who accept and love you for who you are, and I think there is nothing wrong about putting it this way to your family. It sounds like they are not ones for candor, but it is badly, badly needed in this circumstance.

That said, there is no reason to stir up drama about it. In fact, approach it as a logical conclusion of their rejection of you, say that you, too, wish your relationships could be closer, but you just can't get there because they don't want the truth from you, and until they accept who you are, they'll always be at arms length. Keep it brief, then step aside and let THEM make their own choices.

You are in one sucky position, but let's be honest — you didn't ask to be put there, and the people who did can undo it.

Best of luck.

From My LOLcats

2009-12-09T12:18:00.000-08:00

Dir Proody,

Me an mai hubbicat be rich! We haz cheezburger, I be washin mai bras even when I not wear them, and we haz naice litterbox for which we haz a maid. But our frens, they iz poor! Mai hubbicat tell them we pay them to kleen litterbox, but I sez no, this is krazy talk! Frens do not kleen litterboxes for frens! Too much informashun! Hao I maik them not see mai poop?

Mai shizz, it akshually do stink, but I don't want frens to kno!

Dir Shizz,

If ur frens are cat, tell them they don't need money anywai, all they need is nachural-born witz. If ur frens r hyooman, wai u frens with them? They are SPOSED to be kleenin' ur litterbox. If ur frens are dawgs, they will probally eet ur poo and not change the litter. Just a warning.

Dir Proody,

Mai fren be takin' lunches owt the company fridge. Whut I do nao?

Komfuzzled

Dir Komfuzzled,

It not wrong for a cat to taik what cat want. It wrong to get caught! I recommend ninjas.

Dir Proody,

Aftur mai cowurkers use the litterbox they no lick their butt. Hao I put up with such nastiness?

Butt-slurper

Dir Butt,

Sadly, u can no maik anybody lickz their butts, and u can no lickz their butts for them or u be actin laik a dawg. I recommend bringing in a profeshunnel groomer to the office to catstigayte and shave the non-lickerz.

Dir Proody,

Mai brother, he has a schizo. I think this one tyme he kill a hitchhiker we picked up. He in group cat house nao, gettin drugs. I ask heem about this cat and whut he do to heem?

I iz faykin it

Dear Faykin,

I knos u r parrot from kompleat lakz of imaginayshun. I knos u watch a lot of "Dyagnosis Murdur" with ur old ladee keeper from ur sad sorry cage. U kan't plai a plaier, and I am ultimit CAT PLAIER.

Also, ur ISP, I haz it. I haz dispatched invizibul ninja cats to kill u, u fayk LW. I will be eetin ur wings tonite, fried, in a little cheese sauce.

U be watchin' ur back, but itz too layt for u!

Short bits

2009-12-07T16:02:00.001-08:00

As usual, read em here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2009/11/30/DI2009113002922.html

I gave him tix and he's taking his brother, not me or the kid: P-dawg, it ain't hockey. It's the nFl. Okay, well, the damage is done. Next time give him something he has to do with you or the kid. Although the b-day thing was kind of harsh, perhaps you should have said, "We'll have such an awesome time for my b-day" for the hint he truly needs.

A parent will not attend: They're both invited, and it is their obligation to quit being so childish and start doing right by their kid. Of course, you can only explain this to a certain degree to them, because either they'll already know and behave appropriately, or they'll never understand why other people come first and they'll continue to be douches. Since we're talking a 15 year plus history of douchiness, let's just imagine that this won't work out and so sonny boy should pick his favorite. Or none.

Vegan: Okay, this is a fake question. Because #1: NOBODY asks the vegan to host a meaty holiday and #2 NOBODY asks an unmarried person to host either. I do not quite know why, but this is the breaks. Just say, "My way or the tur-kay," and they'll find someone to take on the duties. Although I think it'd be neat to experience a vegan holiday or wedding meal, not everyone is as open as I am.

Make Bake Sow or Grow gifts: I can't believe Prudie thinks these are the words being drawn from a hat, not relatives' names. Good morning!!!

I'm working in the break room: Get one of those cardboard things that the talkative kids used to have to have on their desk in class. Remember those? Like a box with one side cut out. Write, "Can't talk, I'm working" on it.

Husband wants to give nephew braces: There are few better things to have than straight teeth, but this should be something his parents deal with. This is what you do when you have a kid.

NFL not NHL: I know, right!

Celiac: Sounds simple, but it leaves Vegan eating a plate of tofurkey and nothing else.

He was married but I broke up with him: Dude, he was so unhappy he was willing to stay that way. What does this "larger estate" have to do with anything? I am confused. Besides, it was a long time ago.

I gave BIL a check: Well, she SHOULD have known as his wife, and he SHOULD have turned you down if he couldn't tell YOUR SISTER about your generosity, not matter what "your reasons" are (compulsive spending/gambling aside). But tell your triflin' family no now. Call them triflin'. You wil feel like Michelle Singletary.

They are so rude they won't eat vegan? Yeah, I know. And yes, I know about tradition. Can we quit worrying about this now? If these people are willing to tear their family apart over veganicity, they'll do it regardless.

Gifting wife demands a (whole) birthday weekend?: Hey, there! If your birthday falls on, say, a Wednesday, do you come home from work then celebrate your b-day and go back to work? OR do you wait until the weekend to do something special? It's not about taking up a whole weekend, duh. It's about planning your night out/hangover responsibly.

Elaborate diplomatic divorce maneuvers: Sheesh, it should be all about the bride. No, really, it SHOULD be after hearing about these demanding divorcees.

No "Bless Yous" here: Bless you does not mean "Jesus Bless You" or "Ganesh Bless You." It is more like, "you poor thing!" So use it freely and easily. I am worried about your exacting standards. Loosen your corset laces.

Mean Girls: Why are you bothering?

No sex, please, I'm chronically ill: This is very confusing to me. You are fine with your life, but are worried that you're upsetting men by rejecting them? Geez, it's none of their beeswax why you wouldn't want to boink them. Prudie, her secret is total lack of desperation, total lack of interest.

PEOPLE GROW UP: I am with you. Preaching to choir.

From My Orbit

2009-12-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

As per usual, original letters here.

LW#1: You ask if it is okay for you to hire your struggling friends to clean your beautiful home. Well, no, it's not a good idea. You were right! You win the argument!

However, the LOLcat is out of the bag because your husband is apparently not savvy about this sort of thing at all, so if the offer is rescinded, you'll both look like jackasses (and he'll probably indicate that the blame is yours, so you look like a biznatch). So now you're kind of stuck, and I guarantee you that if you don't think the regular housecleaner is the bestest in the world, a couple of kids with what you call a deficit of ambition (but likely a whole barrel full of entitlement), will probably not meet your standards either.

So I have a philosophy, and while it's not "friends and money don't mix," it is, "When a friend or family member asks for a loan, consider if you wouldn't mind losing that money with a happy heart before you pony up."

I think you're going to have to cultivate a happy heart for what is to come, though.

But while you're at it, look around for other jobs for them so they can leave off cleaning your house and do something with their time and talents.

LW#2: Sometimes people who are charming and have big, important careers have a kind of a danger-seeking streak. I think sometimes being successful in high-pressure fields almost requires a certain amount of personality disorder. A healthy amount, so to speak. I would reckon your friend has a little bit of the adrenaline rush when she's pilfering lunch, if not in some other fashion through her work (yeah, your honesty alert antennae should be perking up), or possibly a little shoplifting of minor items. The signs only make it more thrilling for her, I bet.

I've also found that people making the "best" salaries to sometimes be completely inconsiderate of other people's property. So I can't say I'm shocked or befuddled.

Obviously, the correct way to address this would have been for the discoverer to have shouted out, "YOU ARE SO BUSTED!" at the moment of discovery. That way this would have bypassed the gossip route and just come out into the open.

You might want to send her an email apprising her that she has been busted and word is getting out. This lets her get out in front of her own personal PR disaster, because let's face it, if she's talented, her career shouldn't evaporate, but her pride should. She needs help before she's after more than baby carrots and yogurt, and you might not advise her this directly, but just state how shocked you were to learn that she was responsible for such petty, malicious acts, and that seems completely out of character to you. Those are kind of buzz words she can use to guide her search for a therapist.

LW#3: Your company must be the very last one in the US that has not installed health department flyers about handwashing, cough covering (with the elbows people!) and general hygeine maneuvers to avoid the plague. I mean, flu.

So go ahead and hit up your local health department and download a couple of these handy flyers, print them out and post them yourself.

If not, encourage your HR people/boss to have a "come to Jesus talk" about handwashing and swine flu and taking time off if you feel sick plus 24 hours of non-NSAID-treated fever. (See? My company is muy on the ball! They even handed out bottles of hand sanitizer!)

If they have already done all this, then rest assured you cannot change the habits of your disgusting pig coworkers without tearing into a bathroom rant ("I AM IN THIS OTHER STALL AND I HEAR YOU NOT WASHING YOUR HANDS, PEGGY SUE! OR "PIGGY SOO-EEY!") that will humiliate everyone and ruin relationships, then just stick to food that is separated by toothpicks at buffets.

Also, whether you like it or not, every single surface is coated with contagion in this world. Most of it is benign. Every inch of your skin holds an estimated 50 million bacteria on it! In fact, fully 10 percent of your body weight is not you, it is bacteria! Millions of viruses float in a single small pitcher of water from any outdoor lake, sea, river, etc.

I just say this to give you some perspective, because you will never be able to get fully liberated from bacteria, just as you will never become fully liberated from coworkers who do not share your sense of urgency about handwashing. You shouldn't let it turn you into a full-stop jerk.

LW#4: This is the best fake letter ever. You hit a trifecta of high points: Abuse, mental illness, hitchhiking. All we need is to stick not doing it for Jesus in there and you would have had the fake LW sweepstakes all wrapped up.

Kudos.

Folks! PSA for you! Virtually no schizophrenics, even in their sickest, delusioniest states, kill or even harm other people! They are of greatest danger to themselves!

So, let's assume you are telling the truth (though you aren't, because that's what I do here). What you do is you go down to the halfway home and ask your brother what really happened to that hitchhiker. Because if there are other people around and he's on the drugs (which tend to make schizophrenics a little something more than spaced out), it's probably a good place and time to ask.

Prudie obviously has no imagination, aside from the thumb-charm. Who's to say he didn't choke out that hitcher at the park and dump him in the river? And yeah, settle down, because if your brother is the sicko you're making him out to be, he would not be able to conceal the body effectively. The crime would have been discovered. Another clue that your letter is 100 percent grade A bullpucky.

But I have to say, I am really pissed at you for this letter. You are exploiting a stereotype for your little thrill. Schizophrenia has touched my life and the lives of people I do and have loved, and a lot of people who read the Dear Prudence column. Those of us who have known schizophrenics or still know them are aware of the difficulty of treating this disease, of the extreme vulnerability our loved ones have, and their families, who suffer immensely, not because of abuse, but because of stigma, of difficulty handling the day to day of a person who is not on medication.

Schizophrenia is a terrible disease. Sure, there are violent schizophrenics, but there are many, many, many more people who are really suffering from the disease and the stigma of schizophrenia. Please, future fake LWs, try not to exploit an already over-exploited group with this sort of nonsense.

The short bits

2009-11-30T16:20:00.001-08:00

As usual, find your originals here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2009/11/23/DI2009112302560.html

I just found out my unemployed fiance has been having gay sex so he's cheating on me: Can you save this? Why would you want to even if you could? Cut your losses and run out of there. Don't forget to make him pay child support when he finally gets a job!

My mom insists all her broke kids do secret Santa: Secretly agree to do what my brother and I do. Everyone participate by putting $20 in an envelope. Everyone participates and gets the $20 they gave away. Mom will balk, but this is the way to out passive aggressive the passive aggressive.

My husband's 12-y-o kid he has never met tried to friend him: 12-y-os aren't allowed to have FB accounts! Report her to the FB cops! But really, contact with the MOTHER about what happened would be the best way to go about this. Your husband needs to have a little talk with her. Not you or the kid, the mother, who will decide what to do.

My aunt never shuts up about her hateful politics and I want her to be civil: Slip her a roofie in her coffee. No? Okay, tell her she can talk about reindeer, toys and dry winter skin this Christmas and that is it, she doesn't get to ruin Christmas. Do this before Christmas. Then when she visits, slip a roofie in her coffee.

My husband has alcohol issues and I need a drink once in a while: Dude needs therapy, both to deal with his alleged fears of your dying in the gutter, yellow kangaroo in hand, and his being a control freak. If he won't go, you go to start.

My sister hates me because I don't want to fly out and stay at a hotel for her kid's first birthday: I can't even fathom such people. Kids that age have no memory for that sort of thing. You're in the right. Apologize, but don't be held hostage by her insanity.

Our parents want to imprint their hoarding disorder on our baby: Tell both that they need to cut back, and that anything you don't like is going to Goodwill anyway. It's your baby, and you'll do what you want. Do it now, while the baby can't see you regift its toys.

My MIL is coming to my son's two-year b-day for him and his pals and it will cramp my style: You're having THREE parties for a 2-y-o? OMG I am SO not understanding that. One for his pals?! To do what? Drool and fall down? How much of this is for the kid? Will you be doing this every year? Your husband needs to tell mom "No." And sister, you don't need to be going to such extremes in partying for this kid in the future unless you want a party animal/brat for a teenager!

We were "mostly careful," but I want her to abort: Dude, if you don't WRAP IT UP each and every time, YOU are the one not being careful enough. This is out of your hands. However, and I'm channelling Bortimus Prime's Machiavellian Advice here, if you become suddenly incredibly non-supportive you may find that the abortion you want will look better and better in her eyes. You, not so much, but you're young and can find some other girl, right?

Locavore hates gift of out-of-season apples: You're within your rights to disdain the carbon footprint, but why not call the company up and just stop the shipments?

My wife nitpicks my childcare skills: Do what Prudie says, and then say, "Plus you're screwing up the kids doing that in front of them, and undermining me, and someday they'll manipulate me to their side and it'll be (# of children plus dad) against one."

My wingnut brother is asking me for state senate campaign money: Do NOT give him money or you will never hear the end of it. Astronaut is the donor in this family, and his phone rings a bajillion times a day from campaigns, PACs and charities. Plus you think he's a freak, so don't!

GWM: You are so right, bucko.

I hate "gifting:" This is the nature of the English language. Roll with it, even though it is clunky and unnecessary.

It's called parenting: Yeah, but his wife is treating him like an incompetant babysitter, so why not take on the language of the miffed?

Got Girlfriend Pregnant defender: I'm also going to add that we can't be sure it was a "whole lotta sex."

1 in 8 ppl on Food Stamps: Damn, that's a lot. If you can afford to bitch about NZ apples, you can afford carbon credit offsets, no?

From My LOLcats

2009-11-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

Dir Proody,

I iz in heet! But mai boifren, he no want to mate wif me no moar. He say Ceiling Cat watchin' us, tell him to stop mating wif me. But I WANT.

Whut I do nao?

-- Hot poosy

Dir Hot,

U fynd a new boifren, wun who not listen to alleged cats in ceiling.

Dir Proody,

I wurk wif a byooteeful leddicat! She yung and sweet as Fancy Feast. But she snort laik a Pug when she nervuss, which is a lotta teh tyme. Hao I tell her to stop sounding laik dawg?

-- Ticks R Bad

Dir Ticks,

U shaym her. Tell her, "U sound laik Pug! U shut up nao!" She will be too nervuss to ever speek again.

Dir Proody,

Mai daddicat he so sad! Lose his job becuz his boss eevil! EEVIL! Kreechur sent from Basement Cat fur shure! Daddicat absolootlee, positivelee had to qwit his job. Nao he pore. Pore, pore daddicat, alwais sufferin' frum the eevils of other cats.

So he ritin' a resume nao, an he sai he want me pretend to be hiz old boss. This not sound so good. But I am good kitteh. I do this for heem?

-- Good Kitteh

Dir Kitteh,

Okai, furst thing I think is, hao callz u miss not be immeedeeatly notissed as not boss's number when ur voicemail kikz in? Or duz ur daddicat think having Mr. Cat Jr. as a past boss will fly? Whut kynd of dumb sitcom iz this??? R U cat, or r u peepul?

Daddicat shud have Thunderdome-style match wif all other appli-cats fur the job. If he come owt alive and triumfant, he get job.

Hao u think I gots to be Proody?

Dir Proody,

Mai naybors, they be fighting all the time! Screaming, yowling and crashing of things coming through walls at all hours of teh nite! Also, they haz a kitteh!

If I call coppicats, will the mean tomcat next door hurt us?

-- Scaredy cat

Dir Scaredy,

Call teh coppicats. I kno, I kno, we are cat, we fight. But family cats shud get along! (see here, starting on bottom of p 95) Coppicats be coming wif ther spraybottles, mayking heem behave, and that a gud thing.

From My Orbit

2009-11-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

As usual, original letters can be found here.

LW#1: Okay, first thing I think of when someone's behavior changes dramatically and they attribute it to God is mental illness. So you may want to get that checked out.

I understand you are looking for a rational argument to persuade him to boink you, but when God enters the picture, you are not able to get one over through reason. God is about faith, and often a person's concept of God comes down somewhere between the way they were raised and how they view themselves. That is, you can't talk back at this God character. Especially for someone who has had an intense religious experience like being saved, and uses that as the basis of his faith.

In the meantime, you're living in a place with a guy who is taking away something you consider crucial to the relationship your have and your own health. For a few minutes, stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself. Is he (or He) going to declare new unilateral rules for you in the future? Can you live with that? Can you love with that?

Another thing: Stop saying you find his impositions "somewhat hurtful and offensive" and start owning your anger at him. How can any woman not find sexual rejection hurtful?

What I'm saying is that if he is going to be selfish and hurtful to you, you need to start protecting yourself. You need to start looking at him with open eyes and weigh him objectively instead of reflexively defending him, even if it's in the privacy of your own mind.

If your BF is sound of mind, I would start making plans to find a new place to live if I were you (and if he is in his mid-20s and is beginning to show schizophrenia, I would say you need to think long and hard about what living with someone with schizophrenia is like, and I do mean learn what it is like). His willingness to do this to you, coupled with his inflexibility, does not bode well for the future.

LW#2: OMG this little girl snorts? Like a pirate?

So what?

Okay, look, someone who actually likes this poor kid needs to step up and mention her snort to her, since obviously none of you are ever going to find it a cute little habit that an otherwise "sweet and lovely" and presumably competent, young woman has this tic.

Please, find someone in this office who is kind enough to mention this silly thing with compassion and help this poor kid find a way she can take control of her weird tic and propel herself to business success without crushing her (you know, like prompting her to do breathing exercises or visualizations or maybe do a run-through before she presents and, hey, how'd she get through her job interview?). Someone with "mentor" written all over her. And have her do it when they are alone in the bathroom or something.

LW#3: What a dumb thing to do, on your dad's part. Are you sure his griping about his boss was not somewhat unjustified by this completely unethical thing he's doing?

I mean seriously, this is the sort of thing that can be checked out and could lead to his being fired (assuming he's hired) for lying on his resume. Boom! Two burned bridges! Two bum references he can't use!

But more than that, this is not cool at all. He is risking career suicide in desperate bid for employment.

And it may be for nothing. Many, if not most, companies have a policy of not saying anything — negative or positive — to people who are asking about job candidates for fear of liability. They just confirm the dates of employment. Your dad should call his company pretending to be a person asking about his job candidacy (or have a friend do this) and see what happens. This is actually okay, because it's gathering information, even though it may also sound shady. Think of it this way: What are the repercussions if he does this? Virtually nothing. What about lying on his resume? Huge.

Or give a coworker the reference spot.

Tell him no, tell him it's wrong and tell him to look at the Internet for resources about dealing with burned bridges on his resume. Tell him about what I said above (the two references being bad if he's caught out) and tell him you're starting to think his employment problems may be self-generated and he needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.

But do it nicely. Firmly, for sure, but nicely.

LW#4: Call.

Just call.

He is a domestic abuser, and he needs to be reported before his wife or child ends up in the hospital, or worse, the morgue.

He is too chicken to mess with anyone except the woman he has trapped under his thrall. He will be terrified of you and everyone else knowing his dirty little secret, because you have open eyes, resources, and the ability to call the police (and the landlord!) on him if he so much as looks mean at you.

And he may not hit the baby now, but that baby is going to grow up in an excrutiating dynamic that will warp him or her.

A few times getting called on his crap, this man will either get the help he needs to turn over a new leaf, or his wife will get the attention and resources she needs to leave him.

People don't get involved in what goes on "behind closed doors." But they have taken their drama public and made you complicit in it.

From My LOLcats

2009-11-21T16:58:00.000-08:00

Dir Proody,

Mah boifren haz a family, and they taykes a Christmas pitchur every year. This year, they sai, "U GET IN TEH PITCHUR." I am laik, not in teh family an I won't haz ther last naymez and in their pitchur I DO NOT WANT. So filled with angur an teh RAYG!

Whut I do nao?

Unfotojenik

Dir Unfotogenik,

Did u kno that unfotogenic meanz the camera, it duz not laik u? Did u kno ur boifren's family, u du not laik them? Becuz they are about to kno it. And mebbeh they not laik u so much when they lirn. And if boifren still poses for pitchurs, he mebbeh syde wif hiz family. Just sayin'.

Dir Proody,

I marry Mr. Rite! But I was in hiz computer, findin' pron. Of his stepdaughter from a preveyuss leddicat!!1!11! He say it okay, he taykin' secksy pitchurs for her wedding dai! I say, but teh wuns where she nekkid? He say it okay, too, she never taik her clothes off, he do that in teh Photoshop.

Everything is totally kewl nao, rite?

Mrs. Rite need aid

Dir Mrs Rite.

Look, I kno we non-purebred cats can haz some trashy family entaingullments (literallee! We maytin' by the trashcans in teh alley!), but dis wun here, dis weerd. Cats shud not be photoshoppin' owt clothes. We shud be photoshoppin' in invisibul sandwiches.

Dir Proody,

I kno a tomcat who is lookin' fur a dayt. I wantz it! He haz a cancer, though, and I kno he gonna die becuz I work where he get a treatment. But I lovez him! And love, he wantz it becuz he is on Tomcat.com (ed note: not a real site as far as I know, but I'm not checking it out!) juss laik me!

I can haz date with Pet Sematary?

Leddicat, u du whut u want, but mebbeh u consider why you want heem so bad when u kno terminal cat is terminal?

Dir Proody,

Mah boifren and I want to haz family over for Turkee Day. Hiz parents be meetin mai parents, lotsa laffs and gud fud. But hiz dad invyte Uncle Krazee (dis iz heem). He be seein' invisibul federalees, invisibul illegul aleeyens, invisibul black helikopterz and visibul black prezident. All of which skare him so he carry big gun in case he get oppurtoonitee to shoot something he think attack him. Haoever, I think mebbeh he think we attack him by tooning owt him being a wacko, or konfrunting his delooshuns, or even jus bai being neer him. I no laik guns, hao I get him not to come?

Gunshy

Dir Gunshy,

There iz no shame in being gunshy. I myself prefer ninja-style slotter. It ur rite to not haz guns around, but it naice thing to let crazy cat come around family wunce a year. Daddicat haz eye to keep on brothercat, so mebbeh you move big fancy meet-n-greet dinner to non-holiday weekend for ackchooal meeting. Dis wun, it iz a Mulligan.

Pee Ess: Sorry ur family will be learnin' ur boifren haz a crazee uncle. U mebbeh got a crazee relative u can invyte to balance everything owt?

From My Orbit

2009-11-19T09:48:00.001-08:00

As always, original letters and advice are here: http://www.slate.com/id/2235694/

LW#1: Dang, grouchy, why are you such a stick in the mud? This is what they've always done, it's kind of cute, and I don't think the fact that you're not changing your name to Smith (like you future BIL did? Come on!) lets you off the hook.

Families do cheesy things together. That's how they bond. Obviously, you get this, in that your "future family" will have basically this exact same cheesy portrait situation. And when the time comes, you can do this and have your own Christmas card that you write the letter for, even as you continue to pose with the in-laws. So why are you being such a bad sport now? Why is this such an anger-provoking thing for you?

I wonder if you're so sick about this because you don't want to be a part of this family. At all. Because this is not umbilical-attachment behavior on your future husband's part, this is just one of those things that comes from having obligations, respect and love to and for other people.

LW#2: This is intensely, deeply weird, and I would not consider this man Mr. Right any more. Beyond photoshopping his step/daughter to look nude ("Photoshop. Yeah, that's the ticket!"), taking lingerie pics of her in the first place, even for her wedding day, is straight up not the kind of thing people want their fathers to do/want to do for their daughters.

You know what you have to do.

LW#3: Well, if there are any professional reasons you shouldn't try to date this guy, then I would hold back. But if you're not a fake letter, and you have developed feelings for this guy, and you're willing to expose yourself to loving him, nursing him as he gets ill, and ultimately losing him, that is your business. You don't have to treat him when he comes in, right? Some other nurse could do that.

So sure, why not send him a message that says you've noticed him, and here's how and if he's uncomfortable no big deal, but you totally dig him?

But before you do that, please take a step back and ask yourself, "Why do I want to pursue a relationship with someone who I know is this ill, who stands across a HIPPA barrier from me, and who I will spend time watching die?" Are you often attracted to men who are, in some ways, doomed, or unavailable to you?

LW#4: This is a situation where the father should talk to the brother, and, if he does not get a "Yeah, I can leave the howitzer at home, and I'll be on my best behavior" answer, should disinvite the guy. And if he gets that answer and Uncle Festus comes, but has the usual behavior and is concealed-carrying, he needs to escort him away post-haste.

Also, if your BF's dad is going to not understand the purpose of getting together to meet your immediate family and strike up some friendly conversation and bonding, and is going to do the "let's invite crazy Uncle Festus" thing on a regular basis (getting married anytime soon?), he's going to have to be watched.

Not that what he did is particularly bad. In fact, it's kind of a positive sign for you as you get closer to making him your FIL. He's a compassionate guy. That sort of thing trickles down, apple-from-tree style.

I get why he feels bad for Uncle Festus. Who among us does not have some variation on an Uncle Festus in our family? Someone who is outcast from the rest and unsocializable, someone who has done something, perhaps something unforgiveable to half the family, yet because Uncle Festus is so lonely and sad-sacky, and possibly mentally ill or brain damaged, there is always a brother or something who works to include him under the rubric, "this is my brother. I have to take care of him."

Yeah, but the father will have to become his brother's keeper. And if this is going to get in the way of meeting your family, then maybe you should pick a non-holiday for a Mulligan, if that becomes necessary.

Attracting men is hard!

2009-11-18T11:30:00.001-08:00

Hello Space Cadet!

The Fray has always been my favorite part of Dear Prudence, and I'm thrilled to see you all setting up shop for yourselves. It's nice to see a little corner of common sense on the internet.

I've been following the talk about the last week's "Plain Jane" and it's been getting me thinking. And the thinking has made me decide I could use some advice myself:

I've been single for longer than I care to admit. Since I'm writing in for advice, of course, I'll admit it: I last had a date around 2005 (it was a first date, and there wasn't a second), and the last time I had something resembling a boyfriend was in the 20th century. I've had lots of male friends, but they've never seemed interested in dating. I grew up with a brother, and I admit that most of the time when I'm hanging out with guys, I relate to them in a way that's more "one of the guys" than girl-flirty. I like to joke around, talk about music and movies and generally "hang out" rather than flirt. And I don't think I'm unattractive — I don't fit the "typical" standard (I'm a little overweight thanks to an oh-so-fun endocrine disorder, but I dress well and I'm good with grooming and stuff), but I'm not Phyllis Diller, either, and I'm a warm person who is genuinely interested in talking to people, and I have a good sense of humor (I know, self-reporting isn't terribly reliable, but let's run with it, ok?).

I'm a grad student now in a state far from home (MFA in creative writing, if that matters to anyone), and have been here for about a year. I've met wonderful people, mostly in the same program, because finding time to socialize in grad school is...well, let's go with a range somewhere between difficult and impossible. I have a good number of friends, or at least friendly acquaintances, a good number of whom are guys. I've hung out with them on various occasions, usually involving bars because there's not a whole lot else going on around here. I didn't come to grad school to find a man, but I didn't come here to take my nun's orders either.

So my question, I guess, is twofold: 1. Why don't guys find me attractive (wah wah wah, I know)? Is it that they don't see me as available or flirtatious or what have you? How on earth does one telegraph that kind of interest? 3. How does an insanely busy grad student who is also teaching two classes get a romantic life?

Thanks in advance!

There appears to be a crisis brewing for available women. The original Plain Jane is one of a throng of millions of competent, well-adjusted women who for some reason feel the need to find out what is wrong with their body or personality that is preventing men from swooning over them.

I am going to stipulate that you are doing everything just right. Your dress, your looks, your behavior, your non-girlyness, I'm going to say, this is you and who you are is just fine. It's not like adopting a mode of flirting that is uncomfortable for you is going to 1) look natural or 2) attract a man who will necessarily appreciate the rest of you. Right? You are who you are, at your core, and while there are parts of your personality that are probably still plastic enough to adjust to living with a partner or what have you, you are, for lack of a better term, pretty much who you're going to be at this point.

It's just about finding someone who likes and accepts you for that core "you" at this point.

And let's not forget: YOU need to find someone whose core "him" is acceptable to you.

And also: figuring out who someone really is can be easy (most people are pretty much who they are all the time at either low or high volume. People seriously will tell you who they are, it's whether you care to listen to it that matters) or hard (everyone knows someone they thought was cool who later turned out to be psycho but possibly only after painful events had transpired. Alternatively, everyone has had the experience of discovering someone they thought was kind of meh was maybe more than they thought).

So Phase one for getting a date: Put out that you are out there, looking, to the people you talk to. You say you have male friends? They aren't necessarily your main target to receive the message that they should put the moves on you, but hey, if that is what they walk away with and it's agreeable to you, gravy! Ways to do this without eyelash batting include: 1) bitching about your love life, or lack thereof. Let the person you are talking to know that you are SO on the market. 2) bitching that you don't know how to flirt (this can, in its own way, be flirty). 3) Asking to be set up, in the context that this person you are talking to knows you, your habits, your likes and dislikes, and might know someone with a meshing personality. (I think, "I didn't come here to take nuns' orders" could count as excellent flirting, BTW.)

Phase two: The Internet. I know, I know. BUT! I know a couple of Internet dating royalty. This guy, the king, I'd say, very wisely said that with the Internet, you have a lot of options to explore, can narrow those options down, and can date a bajillion people in short order. The queen said she'd look for what she found interesting — regardless of what the guy *said* he wanted (self-reporting is unreliable, right? Someone's interest is aphrodesiacal) and send men a message. While there's something to be said for an easy, committed, friend-to-lover relationship, there's also something to be said for having people want to date you, for the excitement of the new. That's why "spicing up your marriage" is in every single Redbook ever.

I suppose that prior to Phase One there has to be a kind of recognition of the desire to date. Like, with Plain Jane, she was all, "I dunno that this scene is for me." And she didn't mean flirting, she meant getting with someone. I know a lot of people like to explore thier own motives and psychological nooks and crannies — and there are cases where this is warranted. But I've spent enough time single to know that there is an unhealthy thing that can happen in your head when you are pounding away at the same questions. There is healthy self-awareness and there is unhealthy beating one's self up with questions, speculations and everything else.

In short, instead of thinking about who you are and what it is about you that is a shortcoming, focus on who and where you want to be and start acting like it. You want to be a writer? You gots to produce words. You want to be a dater? You gots to get out and do that. Both writing and dating are hard, and the real work is not the initial outlay, it's the editing and the exploration of another person, if that makes any sense.

Phase three: Project Me. You know how I said visualize who you want to be? This is part of that. You want to learn to knit or do more knitting? Join/start a stich and bitch. Go to campus events. Lots of them. Lectures, brown bags, plays, etc. Most of them are more interesting than you'd have guessed. If you want a literate guy's arm to hold, you put yourself around literate people. Capische? You find out who you are at your best, what talents you are strongest in, and you put yourself out there and do it and impress yourself.

Phase four: Actual date. Just be you. Don't oversell or undermine yourself. If you're not interested, then whatever. If he's not interested, don't worry about it reflecting on you, it's just a fact of life that some people won't click or share different dreams and it's better to recognize it early on and move along than try to make it work perfectly. If a guy won't have a second date with you, recognize it as a favor, not a black mark on you. If you're interested, make sure you communicate that: "You're pretty interesting," seems to work. Honestly, if you're getting along like hot cakes, this is the best that flirting has to offer.

Anyway, I have been yammering on a lot now. I just think the world would work a lot better if people, women mostly, would accept that they are who they are and there is only so much reinvention you can do. A pair of red heels will not fundamentally secure the kind of relationship that the discriminating dater is after (although they may be really cute!). Attention? Maybe.

I realize I have skewed my advice here, but it also applies to menfolk. No matter what your gender, it takes a little self-awareness, initiative and luck (and social skills). It takes effort. But so does getting a job, buying a car or home, travelling, saving for retirement, planning a party and having pets, so if you can do any to all of those you are way ahead of the game.

Now, mature, self-realized people of the world: Go Forth AND DATE!!! We need your genes and superior parenting skills out there!

From My Lolcats

2009-11-17T10:10:00.001-08:00

Dir Proody,

I iz an ugleh kitteh, but don't wurry! I likz mah butt and stayz clean. I iz not act laik purrshun kitteh! To teh menz, I iz indifferent. Hao I rate maiself so I kno hao to act?

Adequate Alsayshun

Dir Alsayshun,

Hao u act is hao you act. It iz related to ur inner byootie, not ur owtsydes. Also, ur brain wiring. Wai teh eff shud u decide hao to act based on ur looks? U R CAT U DU WHUT U WANT.

Dir Proody,

Mah Sistercat-in-law, she throw a TURRIBULL thanksgiving! She kill all the indianz! Put fud away when we want moar! Leevs the TV on and woant let nobuddy on top uv it! Hao I throw own party this year wifout her killin me?

Partycat

Dir Party,

U do it, u big dummy. Then u take pikchur and u send it wif capshun that say: "UR PARTEE, I FIXED IT."

Dir Proody,

Mah boss is so gud! But hiz wifeycat is robbin' the inshurants companeez! Whut I do nao?

Teefies r kleen

Dir Teefies,

Ur boss, he iz not so gud. U get other job, get relevant dokumenz, u tell sumboddy about dis stuff.

Dir Proody,

I go to cat funeral — lotsa howlin and wailin! So sad! We all be getting sooper crazy wif the grief! It laik Mephistopholes die! Old man cat pass owt! I iz medicalcat, I fix him! It crazy! Then on wai home, hubbicat say, "sum fyooneral, huh?" and I go, "Yes!" and I blow up wif wurds! And emoshuns! They is pouring outta me like I iz vase and I got pushed off the table! An hour layter, he say, "Batcat is up." He wuz listening to the game the hole time! Why he do this to me? Hao I kill heem?

Emoshuns, I got em

Dir Emoshuns,

Teh menz can only tayk five to ten minuts of emoshuns at a tyme. U overstayed ur limit. But if this is important to u, poison his Purina. Next tyme u go on rant, mayk shur the radio is off. Then nobuddy haz to die.

Beyond vibes

2009-11-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Space Cadet!

I've been a fan of your "From My Orbit" columns. You have so much wisdom, and I'm confident you can help me:

I have a 16 year old daughter who dates 15 year old boy. My daugter & I have a pretty good relationship, she share things with me (something I've never done with my mom).

Well, she wrote me a note the other day telling me that she wants to have sex with this boy. Just to let you know, we've talked about sex before, I mentioned that I expect her not to have sex until she's 18 (& moves out). I presented all obvious reasons to wait - physical & emotional. This boy she's dating is very decent and intelligent, but he already had sex with his ex-girlfriend & of course, he wants more (and she wants it too now).

Please help me to present more arguments on the emotional side, why at this age they are not ready for sex.

In the meantime, I mentioned that if she wants me to schedule a visit to ob/gyn to talk about birth control options, I'll help with that. I'd rather prefer her having safe sex than me being oblivious to reality. But the truth is I want her to postpone it, she's only 16!

One more thing: I wouldn't want her to be on a pill, because we have very strong breast cancer history in our family, but you know how are teenagers and condoms...

Your advise will be very much appreciated!

Oh, don't start in too early with the appreciation! Because I'm going to tell you something: Your wishes for your daughter, while they are noble, are not going to be able to dictate what she ultimately does. As soon as you present an "argument," you have essentially set yourself up against her.

And that's not what you want to do. You need to be on her side. See, boyfriends come and go, but moms are forever. You want to be in a place where, even if she does something that she knows you aren't for, she can still come to you.

You already are in a good place: You want the best for your child — safe sex over unsafe sex, if sex is what it comes down to. You're willing to make an appointment for her to talk about birth control options with a doctor, and you're willing to get her The Pill (they're a lot better these days with the low-dose hormones than they used to be when it comes to cancer — smoking is the big no-no). You are in a place where you are facing reality. That is very good. (If you think about it, if you wait until she's 18 and moves out, she will have to go through all this on her own with the Pill and the doctor appointments. I know, I know, the chorus of "she's an adult then!" will ring up, but hey, how mature are 18-y-os in general?)

I get the feeling that you have laid out for her your expectations/wishes. Have you talked, really talked with her about the emotional side? I don't think I have any more wisdom there than you do. I think we're both aware of how much more intimate a relationship gets when sex (or even nudity) comes in. I think we've both had experiences sleeping with people that maybe weren't worthy of it, and not necessarily knowing that at the time. I think we've both dealt with what it means to be a sexual woman for ourselves in an age when women are supposed to be sexual for everyone else and vice versa.

In sum, there is a lot of noise out there about sex, and your job as a parent is to get your daughter to tune into the signal her own body and brain are sending her.

Instead of telling her the circumstances under which her virginity may leave, ask her about what *she* wants, and what she thinks having sex will do for her. It's so uncomfortable, but she may talk herself into that signal, and realize she may be feeling like she should do it because all her friends are and she doesn't want to be left out. She may really be in love with this 15-y-o boy, and she may really feel ready, too. She may realize she's just ready for a vibrator, which, as I've pointed out before, is a lot more trustworthy than any boy.

The thing is, having sex won't automatically change her or her character. But it does put her at quite a few physical risks and in a place where she is very vulnerable to this boy. She can't just weigh the odds (teens, it has been shown in surveys, will say it is rational to play Russian Roulette for something like $2 million, even though there is no rational reason on this Earth to play it — they don't understand odds) and game theory this out. She has to know that the boy who she is going to sleep with is doing it with her for the right reasons. So you may want to ask about this ex of his and what happened with her, and where she sees herself with him.

You can also tell her that if she's not ready to buy condoms, she's probably not ready to have sex, either. It's pat, but it's true.

The other thing I'll say is that in this day and age, virginity is looked on as something like a stigma. There is a lot of condescension to virgins. It may be that in this day and age, there is something to be said to losing your virginity to a boyfriend you really care about rather than waiting for an arbitrary age, or worse, feeling like you have to get it over with by a certain point. Once it's gone, the pressure is off for pretty much ever after.

My next piece of advice to you is when your daughter indicates that she's sexual, you let her have that space in her life to herself. It's not an area that you're responsible for. You love her, and want the best for her, you can help her cultivate an understanding of "the sexual life" but not necessarily her sexual life. As long as the rest of her is thriving — good grades, happy, active in her school/community — there's not really a reason to freak out about that part of her life.

Good luck! And big hugs!

From My Orbit

2009-11-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

As always, originals can be found here!

LW#1: Oh dear lord tell me you are a fake LW. Please tell me that.

I really hate people who say they aren't sure if they're attractive or not. By what standard are you measuring yourself? The standard where Megan Fox is at one end and Phyllis Diller on the other that is basically a measure of whether you are up to code in the beauty standard department or the one where personality is involved? Because those are two different things.

Also, don't take this wrong, but ugly and plain people hook up All. The. Time. I have babysat for their kids, in fact.

Even Froggy went a-courtin'.

Okay, and the other thing I object to is your thinking flirting is "wrong" for the "unattractive woman." Flirting is *human* not for a special class of beauty code compliant women and men! But I'm giving you slack because you (and maybe your friends?) seem to think all flirting entails is sexyface and leg-touching and suggestive licking of ice cream. If you do it right, winning a game of Trivial Pursuit can be flirty (well, it works for me).

So moving on, your friends tell you to telegraph your interest, but you think the plain ugly ducklings of the world should shy away from potentially appearing as if they have needs or rights to join the great game of courtship. Eff that noise.

Maybe an attitude, wardrobe, hair and makeup adjustment won't make you think you're more attractive, but I think someone needs a little perspective and maybe a brow wax when I read your letter. Oh, and there's no "objectively attractive." My husband thinks I hung the moon. He also doesn't see the appeal of Angelina Jolie. A relative of mine married her cousin, and he had worked for Greta Garbo. His comment on his wife, "Yeah, Greta was all right, but my *wife,* (insert sigh) she is really something." If you ever saw a picture of this woman, you'd not be wrong to think, "ORLY?"

I also think you need to figure out why you're so anti- putting yourself out there. Yeah, someone turning their nose up at you is not fun (it has happened to the hottest of us), but it's part of life and ultimately they're doing you a favor. You never get to fail in love with your "I'm too middling to mate," but you never get to fall in love, either.

Don't dress it up as your checking your genes out of the human swimming pool for humanity's sake. You are as deserving of love and sex as any other person out there, and quite possibly more. You don't have to act like a Stepford robot, but you do have to put yourself out there.

LW#2: Go ahead and do what you want. This woman has hosted seven *terrible* Thanksgivings by ANY standard, and you need to introduce some balance. Just tell her, "I feel bad that you do this on your own every year, and I want to give you a year off." If she objects, say, "It'll be different, sure, but there'll be a lot of fun people there, you'll have a blast."

If she's a control freak (and with the insta-clearing she sounds like one) she may feel offended. But you know what, you can't control that! And you shouldn't let that control you!

So go for it! Thanksgiving is the best of all the holidays, because although there are expectations there are no gifts and there IS stufing/dressing! There is no reason it should be awful for you! Exclamation point!

Plus, you'll be having too much fun to be worrying about her if she stays home and does her rigid thing with the weird TV-blasting in the background.

Also your husband? He needs to be the buffer of his family's wrath, if that would actually come down on your head. Just sayin' he has a role in this.

LW#3: Oooh, bind-o-rama.

This is a real problem.

Okay, first, start looking for another job. Because this is for sure going to impact your employment, either if you talk to your boss or if you send an anonymous letter to the insurance commissioner or the company.

Second, I would make sure you knew this was happening on a broad scale, and had documents xeroxed or whatever, before you acted. I mean, seriously. And I would not approach the boss about this, because you don't know what is happening with his awareness.

Third, I'm sorry this happened to you. Perhaps it's my own personal work experience, but there is not always satisfaction or justice in doing the right thing for the right reasons. And in this economy you may just want to keep your head down and do your job and get an escape hatch before you blow the roof off, because I'm telling you right now, what you're setting yourself up for is possibly a world of suck.

Oh, and forget Prudie's weird decision to drag in the healthcare debate. I'm pretty sure we won't have dental, anyway. And this isn't about "medical waste," this is about fraud.

LW#4: OMG.

Either your husband is a long time insensitive jerk and you came to a point where you had to ask the Internet Lady if this is too much, or this is a one-time thing.

Some people can't handle emotional stuff, painful emotional stuff especially, very well. The funeral was obviously a big deal, and he'd probably overloaded his circuits if he's one of those people. Your circuits were certainly fried, and the way you cope is to talk about it. The way he coped is to bury it.

Men are masters of the non-reaction reaction. They're basically told from birth to be pokerfaced at all times unless they need to bluff. Seriously.

On the other hand, if he routinely brushes you off and tunes out your coping mechanism of talking it through, he's a deeldoh, as the LOLcats would say. And, special to the Internet Lady, if he tunes you out for a ballgame during a genuine emergency, he's a vurry beeg deeldoh.

From My Lolcats

2009-11-08T11:06:00.001-08:00

Dir Proody,

I am a kitteh. I luv to talk to mah mommicat! We talks abowt everything! So I wanna get a jackrabbit. No, not as prey, as goodtime jiggly wiggly toy!

I tell mah mommicat dis, ryght? I needz her help in figgerin' out the ins and outs of usin dis thing, ryght?

Kitteh wants to hump, but not a boicat with a prickly pecker

Dir hump,

Teh centers of ur womanly pleshure are not that hard to find. Particularly with a jackrabbit. Mommicat and u may laik to overshare, but mebbeh u need to start keeping some things from her, for both ur saykes.

Dir Proody,

I get married soon and I wantz the kittehs! Mah boifren, he may or may not have nootikuls, he is not so shur. In theory, dis no bother me becuz I want mebbeh adopt kitteh or try a sperm bank (i.e. go to the alley). But in reality, I be telling heem, "U go to doctor! U tell me if u be havin' the nootikuls!" He say I iz crazy! Iz I crazy?

All Ball, all the time

Dir All Ball,

Chill the hell owt. Dis sort of scenario is eggzacktly why we haz the catnip. U want spend life with boifren? Do that.

Dir Proody,

I basically tryed to kill mah daddicat's second wifycat and bebbeh when I wuz a kitteh. I am getting married now and am not a psychokitteh anymore. Hao I get heem to pay fur mah wedding nao? Or just furgive me?

I seen the lyght

Dir Lyght,

U let them stay as far from u as they need to until u are proven to be a gud kitteh and not a bad kitteh. Mebbeh they come see u if u let urself get wrapped in a naice thick towel?

Dir Proody,

I wurk with a man who hayte me. He be leavin' his sox all in the litterbox and maykin' comments. I iz awesum wurker, but mah boss, he no do nothing! Whut I do?

Reddy to pop

Dir Reddy,

U pee on his sox. Spray his desk, too. Mebbeh u come up all silent behind him laik ninja and breathe a little on heem and he turn around and u go, "HISSS" wif all ur teef showing, mayk heem poop his wurkspace.

Or u kill ur boss and get hiz job and then u fire the sox-wearer fur his unspeakabul krime.

From My Orbit

2009-11-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

People, before we get started you have to see THIS. ALL CREDIT TO IPHEGENIA GOES SHOPPING!! MUST CREDIT IGS!!! Also give her four cheezburger.

As always, original letters here.

To the teen LW who wants to get a vibrator:

Okay, I'm going to have to assume you exist, even though that makes an ass out of me. I'm quite certain you're actually a 40-y-o man with a lot of Robotech action figures, excuse me, mecha, in your apartment, excuse me, mom's basement.

So you want to dance with the plastic paramour? Start something with the synthetic sybarite? You're only 16 and you're into advanced masturbation techniques here. Plus advanced shopping and/or mail interception skills.

I assume if you're smart enough to figure that much out and can bring one into the house and successfully sequester it, you can figure out how to use one without Prudie telling you. (P.S. ew.)

However, you want to know if you should bring your mom in on the "I'm graduating from Rosie Palms and you might hear what sounds like a hornet's nest in my room but don't come in because it's not a hornet's nest" discussion.

No.

I think it's really awesome when people are able to talk with their parents about certain things, but when it comes to sex, it's one thing to tell your mom about your emotions, hopes, expectations and ideals (or, come to think of it, problems, fears, potential pregnancies and STDS), but a certain curtain should be drawn over the actual, you know, things that happen physically. Because there are a few things parents and children should not know about each other. Girlfriends are a different story, as are the people you will eventually have sex with.

I know, you're close to mom. But you're at an age where it is natural for you to develop your own, separate identity from her. Speaking as someone who has a mother who loves her very much and knows a whole lot about her, and in moments of anger is not afraid to use her long memory to pull up some long-past situation to use against me to shut me down when we argue even if it's not relevant, having a private sexual identity can be a haven and a huge relief.

Keep the lines of communication open. But, you know, sometimes semaphore is about as much as you need to let on.

To the LW with baby fever:

I understand that you want to know if your man has swimmers or not, but if you know he is the one for you forever and ever, I'd lay off. You may be sublimating your fears of the future into this issue which, as someone who is willing to consider adoption and sperm donation, you know is somewhat moot for you anyway.

Okay, I usually don't get personal in my writing, but there was a month a while back where, while I was getting up to pee at 3 a.m. (like you don't), I'd have these horrible thoughts of death, loneliness and the nursing home. It was every night and it was awful, and it sprung from my fears about getting old, sick and feeble and, worse, knowing that I am with someone who I will watch grow old, sick and feeble IF I'm lucky! But you know what? I told Astronaut about them, and I'm late-night-worry-free now. I mean, the worries still exist, but they're conscious now.

So figure out what you're really freaking out about, then get it out in the open. Look at the wide-angle view of your relationship with your honey. Life has no guarantees in it, but it'll be a lot happier for both of you if you stop freaking out about the things you can't control.

To the LW who was a toxic teenager:

Your father hasn't seen you for half your life, an important one where you change a lot. You must have been hell on wheels.

Look, it's his privilege to decide if he can expose himself to you again, make himself vulnerable, without risking getting really hurt. The onus is on you to prove that you're in it for the right reasons.

I wouldn't expect your dad to jump at the chance to be at your wedding, but there's no reason you can't keep reaching out to him. Send him pictures, send brief notes about how you're doing, keep apologizing and reach out to your uncles and other family members who can vouch for you (but don't ask them to pressure him to see you).

You made some serious mistakes. You have to try and make good on them.

At the same time, your father may not want to reestablish contact. Keep taking heart in the fact that you were able to survive a really bad time, with really bad influences, and come out intact and with perspective. Ruminate on that as often as you need to.

To the LW with the passive aggressive sock dude:

It's not about the socks.

OMG it is SO not about the socks.

I know you recognize them as a protest against you, but you need to stop trying to get rid of the symptom. You need to cure the disease.

Let go of the dirty socks thing and the toilet seat thing. Start documenting everything he does that is not quirky but IS job related. Nasty comments go in a special diary with the time and date noted. Once you have about 10 days worth of smart remarks, you go to your boss with a copy of what you've noted down. You tell your boss you are a terrific worker, but you'd probably be better if your office mate kept his disrespect to himself. You specifically mention the words "harassment" and "hostile environment." As in, "I do not appreciate this harassment and I feel it creates a hostile work environment."

Oh, ignore Prudie's "superior attitude" comment. Sure, you've probably pissed off the boss about piddly things (yeah, I can pun too), but no one should have to put up with someone who is being a jerk at work. It's the boss's job to make sure everyone is working smoothly together, this should not be that hard for him to crack down on. You may also have an Employee Assistance Program you can call and talk about solutions to the sockman. They may have better ideas about who to go to and what to do if the boss is not doing what he's supposed to do.

From My Lolcats

2009-11-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

Dir Proody,

Mai boifren! He is sooper awesum! But! He hold me down and tickle me and I DUZ NOT LAIK. Maik me mizerabul. Hao I maik heem stop? Did I menchun he iz awesum?

Tikkling bad

Dir Tikkling,

He not awesum. U kill heem nao.

Dir Proody,

Mai mommicat, she soburr nao. Yay! But she not rememburr when I was kitteh. She say, "Wai we not go out? Have naice lunch at Denny's? Talk about ur high school years? Becuz I don't rememburr them? I wud laik some memoreez of those dais for mai burthdai." At furst, I think I write her about those dais, when she kuvvered in vomit and peeing on kitchen floor whyle "Uncle Festus" "axidentally" "fall asleep" in mai room, or tyme when I tell her, "U no come to school play!" but she come in haff-way thru, get on stage and drunkenly sashay and sing "I am Poor Buttercup" but we iz doin "Cats!" But nao I think, naw, don't want to go there at all. Especially in Denny's. Whut I do nao?

"Memories, all alone in the moonlight," it wuz ruined

Dir Memories,

Furst u get reservation for better restaurant. One with eggs benedict. Then u sai, "Mommicat, going there? DO NOT WANT." If she purrsist, u sai, "It was bad and will maik u cry, and this ur burfday. Aren't these eggs benedict delishuss?"

Dir Proody,

I am single. Mai frends have leddicats and boifrens who I don't know and don't particularly care to know. Hao I have dinner party for mai 10 friends only in mai small apartment and not the other cats?

Looking for etti-cat

Dir Etti-cat,

Here's whut u do: Invite everywun to the neighborhood fence and u all dig in garbage cans for dinner (yummy) and hang out on fence. Problem solved.

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh. She is adopted! I beleeve very strongly in open adoption, so I want her to meet with her bio family, from whom she was tayken at age 5, for her benefit. Nao, at 12, she say she no want to meet them anymore! But I say it good for her! Whut I do nao?

Did I mention I adopted a kitteh?

Dir adopted,

At 12 they stop wanting to do whut u want them to do. Normally, this is bad, but in this case, I maik exsepshun for the kitteh. Bio family probably not lotta fun, possiblee a lot more off-kilter than she wants to be associated with. Whut can I sai? There are sum crazy cats out there. Let her off the hook.

Special to a woman in a nuptial nightmare

2009-10-31T17:07:00.000-07:00

Dear SpaceCadet,

I have a semi-close friend (who was once a very close friend) who recently got engaged. Before her boyfriend even proposed she asked me to be her maid of honor. I agreed and knew at the time they didn't want a long engagement. Since she's become engaged she is adamant about having an early January wedding ... like, January 2, 2010. She will be finalizing the date this weekend after visiting a few wedding venues.

When she originally told me about her choice of dates, I gently suggested that she reconsider because of difficulties with finding vendors, the inconvenience for guests, the cost of travel and lodging during the holiday season, etc. She responded to that suggestion by basically saying that she thinks most of her family can make it and that nothing else mattered. The issues for me:

1. she lives several hours away in a city with limited lodging which is likely full now because it's also a college town.
2. I don't know that I can afford to be a maid of honor that soon after the holidays, nor do I think I will have the time to perform my maid of honor duties between now and then.
3. I think she expects that I'll spend my New Year's Eve with her before the wedding, and there's nothing I'd rather do less.

I don't know if I should tell her now that I cannot be her maid of honor if she finalizes that date, or wait until she tells me that date is set in stone before I make my case. Am I being unreasonable?

For what it's worth, our friendship has been strained ever since she started dating this guy and she was a less than gracious host when I visited her (upon her request) a couple of months ago. I know that if I back out it will be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship and I am prepared for that.

What should I do?

Thanks,
Maid of Inconvenience

p.s. - I am a huge fan of your Prudie letter responses...you are so clever!

Dear Maid,

Flattery will get you EVERYWHERE, lady! I mean that!

Okay, look, I hate calling women bridezilla. I think it's degrading, sexist and gets knuckleheaded men who aren't helping plan a very stressful and elaborate life event off the hook. But then I have to get a letter like yours and I think, "Jesus Christ our Lord and Shepherd, be a credit to your pre-married woman state will ya?"

I also have to laugh at her. She "recently" became engaged and immediately fixated on a January date, which is coming up in two months. Ha ha ha! You aren't joking when you talk about accommodations, vendors and everything else! LOL to the moon and back! She is totally hosed! The Saturday, nay, the day after a holiday? Which is a holiday wherein a lot of people get married? Which is also coming up in less than four months? Within, I am sure, a budget?ROTFLMAO!

So, you see, your spending New Year's with them at all may not even be in the cards. She may fall flat on her face getting the big three (venues, catering and services) to come together, forcing her to push back the date.

The advice to glean from that last paragraph: Don't remind her how hard it's going to be or say "I told you so." Just see if she can meet the challenge of getting the basics down. And if she's a picky little lemonface, who wants Barbie's Dream Wedding with ice swan sculptures and flight harnesses so she can swoop down the aisle like Peter Pan, or just has a particular band in mind, she may back down in the face of finding Her Amazing Day impossible to get right within her limited time.

Okay, so let's assume she DOES, somehow, pull off the major players for the wedding and she's NOT picky. She still has to get her guests on board.

Of course, she's saying as long as her family can make it, nothing else matters. Uh-doy! What about HIS family? Are these guests nearby? (Update: Maid of Inconvenience says, actually, yes, the whole family is within a day's drive.)

Well, it looks like if she's not going to be too picky about the wedding and only cares if family can make it, that you may in fact be screwed into going to this wedding and hanging out with them on New Years.

See, here's the thing: You agreed to do this duty. And if she's truly going to have a very short deadline for her wedding, she will likely not have time to find someone else.

But there's an up side to all of this. Although she is taking on some ridiculous planning challenges, and although right after the holidays is kind of a sucky time to put more eating and celebrating and money spending on anyone's agenda, she seems kind of flexible in terms of what she expects out of the experience itself (like, maybe she won't expect you to spend as much as you think you'll have to). And, if you think about the New Year's holiday, it is one where people could drive out on Friday, see the wedding on Saturday and head home on Sunday without needing to take time off.

If you look at it in this light, she's actually ... kind of okay.

But what it comes down to is this: There are her problems, which are all about, "is this the wedding she wants to do?" and there are your problems, which start off sounding like, "this is a crazy idea, I'll be broke at that point" but end up sounding like, "I just don't really like her enough to do this for her."

I think your real problem is you just don't like her enough to have made a commitment that would inconvenience you. You don't even have your arms completely around the level of inconvenience it's going to be and you're already tripping balls. I mean, you are going fetal thinking about hanging out with her for New Years instead of your real friends, right? How crappy does it make you feel that there's someone relying on you for her special day, and you're upset you can't hang out with people you'd rather hang out with the day before? A lot, I bet.

So here's my advice: Figure out what the damage is likely to be before you react. How much money does it look like you're going to have to spend? How much travelling are you going to have to do? Any time off work? Because you need to know her expectations before you lay out your parameters.

See, you do have an out. And that is the incredibly short time period in which you have to prepare. You get to tell her, as soon as she has an idea where her wedding is going, and if it becomes apparent that it is too rich for your blood, that you are happy to be there for her special day, and are grateful for the special role she wants you to play (grit your teeth if you must) but you made something of a mistake when you agreed to be the maid of honor, because you thought you'd have more time to save up and plan than the two busiest and spendiest months of the year, and you're worried you can't meet her expectations. Is she willing to lower them in consideration of your circumstances?

(i.e. maybe you won't have to throw an elaborate party for her, maybe the NY bash will suffice and be kind of cheap for you because it'll be you, her, two cousins and a sister and no male stripper because they're all booked/out on break, i.e. maybe you can wear whatever dress you want or she'll have cheap ones for you, i.e. no shower possibly.)

If she's reasonable, and I really hope she is, she'll recognize this and her expectations for you will be lower than the other poor MOHs out there. If she isn't overcome with materialism and tradition (and she seems kinda free and loose there), she may be able to have her family help take on some of the roles the MOH usually fills, mostly I'm thinking of the bridal shower here.

But the most important thing to do when you talk to her is admit that you are concerned about your own limits getting in the way of her having the wedding experience she wants, and surely she's aware that her timeline is pretty much determining your limits at the moment, and surely she can work with those limits as much as she's working with a shortened timeline.

This way, (if I've been giving her too much credit and her ungracious hosting turn is her new identity and not a one-off) if she's pissed off and angry and the friendship falls apart, it's because she's being a bitch, not you. Don't you be the unreasonable one by criticizing her choices as unilaterally unreasonable and ridiculous, even if you think they are.

The idea is that she gets to make choices, and you get to make choices, about what you're willing to do for each other in your friendship, in the name of history if nothing else. Besides, breaking up a friendship because of a wedding? For either of you, that's not a good way to go. If nothing else, it's a cheesy cliche.

I'm sorry this friendship seems to be petering out, but your best bet is to let it die a natural death and not let the wedding turn into drama that stomps it flat. I know that there can be a kind of temptation to utilize the wedding as a kind of weapon that way — you sound kind of at the end of a rope here in putting up with your old pal ("I am prepared to do that" is pretty ominous backing-out talk) — but don't leave in a swirl of anger. If you are forced to back out, make sure it's a mutual thing, where both of you agree that you shouldn't be MOH. Sure, that may kill the friendship, too, but in a totally, totally different way.

Also, I hope for her sake if she does decide to hold this thing in two months that everyone who wants to book a room can book a room.

I think the takeaway advice for you, and all the other readers here too, is that in the future, "Don't agree to be the maid of honor to someone who you'd rather not spend New Years Eve with."

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to make sure I covered what I wanted to say. You have choices and limitations, she has choices and limitations, and either you're going to be able to work around them as friends or you won't. My way, friendship gets one more shot, and stability gets a chance.

Good luck!

From My Orbit

2009-10-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Of course, the original letters can be found here.

LW#1: There is seriously a formula to at least one letter each week, and it goes, "S/He's great, BUT." You are apparently that LW, who, after literally years and years of advice columns, has not gotten the message. The message is that the "but" is something you'll either have to learn to tolerate or decide if it is worth breaking up over.

Sometimes these "buts" are things like, "he is getting fat." That sort of "but" reflects on the LW. Others, like, "he plays footsie with his sister," are a little more ambiguous, like, "You see this as a red flag but you're engaged anyway?"

You, however, have written in with one about a guy who violates your boundaries. Daily, even! You tell him you don't like what he's doing, and he tells you obviously you're wrong because you're laughing. Let me walk that back for you: You are pinned under him, he is doing something you don't like but to which you have an involuntary reflex, and he's telling you you must like it. Moreover, he's telling you that once you "master your mind" you "won't panic" when he does it, and he is going to do whatever he goshdarn pleases.

This is not a good dynamic. And written like that, it sounds kind of rapey, doesn't it? At the very least, he's giving you a mind(freak).

Just that what he's doing is a violation. And although you haven't said how long you've been with him, if he refuses to get that what he is doing to YOUR BODY should be at YOUR WHIM then he is either due for a dumping or a serious session of counseling.

What he is doing is flat-out unacceptable. And you need to accept that.

LW#2: Wow, fun birthday celebration. "So those years I was checked out in an alcoholic stupor, what was on your mind then, sweetie?"

Yeah, this is one of those situations where she probably doesn't realize the import of what she's asking. Chalk it up to years of brain cells marinating in Night Train (or whatever her booze of choice was). She probably realizes intellectually that those years were rough, but hey, being kind of insensitive and selfish are personality traits one kind of needs to be a totally checked out mom. (As of now, she sounds like she's still a tiny bit checked out. I mean, seriously.)

For now, you can probably just say, "Mom, that's a lot of history, a lot of pain, and I can't imagine hashing it out with you at all right now, much less at some lunch in a restaurant." I wouldn't get into it or get dramatic with it, I'd just state it as fact and move on. If she feels the need to know more, or let out her feelings, she can do that with her sponsor.

Honestly, you don't owe her anything of the past. She owes you her respect.

Good luck!

LW#3: Once people partner up it is really hard to not invite their partners. And when they have kids, sometimes those kids will come along, too.

No, really.

The only way to have a party without partners is to specifically have a gendered occasion. Seriously. "Girls night y'all!" "Boy's night in hizzouse!" So if you can swing that because you and your friends are one gender, you can do it.

The other possibility is that you make this a non-sit-down affair and use your table as a buffet and everyone hangs out in the kitchen, dining space and living room and meanders. Move the chairs out to the living room, etc. Then it isn't the table that is the problem.

Besides, 10 people for a sit-down dinner is too many.

Also, to address this: "I'd just hate to forgo inviting friends I'd like to see in order to make space for significant others who aren't significant to me."

If these people are significant to you, their partners are now part of their lives and you should make an effort to make them significant to you. If you don't, you will find yourself losing significance to your friends. Just a thought.

LW#4: You did something few people do, and you are handling it in a way fewer still could manage. You are awesome.

But now it's time to listen to your daughter, and let her needs and feelings guide this process. That's what open adoption is all about, right? The affect of family meetings in concept and in reality are two totally different things, so worry less about what will happen if you don't adhere to the concept for its statistical and theorhetical benefits instead of what is happening's effect on your daughter.

Just a reminder

2009-10-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

I do free personalized and anonymous advice responses for those in dire straits, up a creek and in a whirlwind of confusion.

If you are in a pickle, feel free to write to me at frommyorbit(at)gmail.com. All replies will keep your identity anonymous, just in case you didn't see that up there.

My motto: Make it someone else's problem.

Advice on the fly

2009-10-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Read originals here

Some of this is a little snarky. Can't help myself.

LW whose fiancee wants her own room: Yeah, this wedding thing is her bid for freedom, isn't it? I can't imagine this will work out unless she has an independent life of her own first, so she can appreciate being with you the way all spouses should appreciate their spouses.

LW with an uninvited guest: If this is really a burden for you I kind of feel for your kids. You are cooking/preparing for 8 plus kiddos, somebody can budge up and I doubt you'll run low on nosh.

LW with the fat family: This letter is a total made up joke. Nobody's notorious for going to other people's houses and breaking furniture! All the same, I liked this because it reminded me of the show "Ruby: The First Hundred Pounds" and the "I'm Rick James, bitch!" sketch where Dave Chappelle goes, "I'm GRINDIN' MY FEET IN YO COUCH, EDDIE MURPHY!" (on the ruining furniture tip) and I highly recommend you watch the Ruby show and everyone else watch Dave Chappelle.

LW with nasty bf father texter: When I get dirty texts from unknown numbers (and it happens a lot more than you'd imagine (sike)), I generally text back, "I think you have the wrong number." And the sexting ends. Well, in my case it's mostly, "u want 2 meet up l8r?" and it's clearly intended for someone else. But now you know, I don't see why you wouldn't tell the bf. Because if he decides to dump you over it, he is doing you a favor!

LW with weird biodad: You are a grown-up and he's a freak and no wonder your biomom is not with him. Treat him like radioactive muck — useful for some things, but kind of toxic to be exposed too long to. And DO ask about him to other people.

LW with the shady husband: There is no other reason. Demand to watch him get on FB and let you tool around his profile, etc., with him right there. If he can't be upfront about his online life like that, then it is time to call a private investigator and cadging money out of the joint accounts.

LW who hates "no problem:" Get over it, buddy.

LW who has her own room and so does her husband: Jeebus, I could totally have guessed you were from Seattle. What sort of group living situation forces this sort of future own-room-having? That sounds traumatic!

LW with the immobile MIL: (Let your husband) Tell her the truth. Learn to be an adult who faces challenges and doesn't let them build up. Be amenable to ideas (hers and your own and your husband's) about how to help her with her immobility so she CAN babysit. Perhaps with someone else around?

LW who converted: Don't say anything till you're out of the house, if this is what they're like. Also, don't get caught. Also, if you are, let your parents think it is a phase. Is this satanism perchance you've converted to? I know paganism has a bad rep with certain religious types, but I really hope you're going whole hog in your quest to make your parents angry.

LW with the breast cancer friend: Do it this last time and next time make sure you ask what sort of charges you can expect. You may also want to say that while you have gone pink, bigtime, your friend's energy for the cause is getting in the way of her ability to interact normally and it feels like a shakedown every time you see her. If she is your friend, she needs to know that she's acting outside the bounds of friendship.

LW whose bf has not cut the cords: This is your future, and if you think you can't see it working for you you had best come up with some other plan. Yes, you can talk with him about spending time with you, but he sounds like he's in deep.

LW who has a chubby hubby: I'm sure you're finding out how well shame and disdain work for motivating a person to lose weight with your shrewish comments (ie they don't or the whole of America would be teensy). So cut that out. And ask why his looks are so important to you. And then start communicating with him about committing to a healthy lifestyle and back it up by cooking and taking him out for bike rides and hot yoga classes.

LW with the cheater friend: Well, looky here, you don't want to make assumptions about what was going on in that relationship because 1) it's not yours and 2) it's not so much your beeswax. But 1) no action happens in a relationship vaccuum, this stuff always spirals out and 2) people who are dicks lose friends. Really, what it comes down to is: Do you like him?

LW who thinks "no problem" nazis should just chill: A BIG KISS ON THE CHEEK TO YOU! I like that you overthought this thing and shared.

From My LOLcats

2009-10-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

Dir Proody,

My boifrend and I getting married! But he haz an incest with his sister. I think. They talk about teh secks and also play footsy so I think mebbeh they not just be talking about teh secks.

Marriage will mayk it beddur, riyght?

-- No Like 3somes

Dir No,

Well, first u mite haz an incest on ur paws if he is boinking her. Iz he? Becuz we cats are not so suttle in the arts of luv u shud know this. Hopefully they be usin' proteckshun becuz sibling-sibling litters r not so gud! Nao, if ur problem is just that they are rilly close ... as in, he laik to talk to her moar than u ... u are going to hafta decide if that okay or if u hafta be numero uno

Dir Proody,

I haz a picture! It me! From back! All u see iz mah gud bits. It calico laik me, so I am shure peepul will visit, see it and say, "That u? Woo woo woo!" Then I haz to explain! And whut if mah boifrend see it? It painted by old boifrend! Who saw me newd all the tyme! New boifrend will know! Whut I do?

- Pussy in the picture iz me

Dir Pussy in the picture,

Eat lots of catfud. Get verry wyde. Hang up picture. No one think that u nao. Hyde seekret at all cost, obviyusslee.

Or do whut I would — OWN THAT SHIZZ

Dir Proody,

I haz a kitteh! She little. She great. But she haz a kweshchun! About her daddicat! Who is a tomcat and duzzint want to see her, only sends munny (so killing him only dry up the source). I so suprized she be asking about her daddicat I say he dead! Help me recuvver this fumble.

-- Never thought she'd ask

Dir Never,

In ainchent tail, a frog ferries a scorpion across a swollen river. Once across the river, the scorpion, he sting the frog, who with his dying breth ask, "Why?" Scorpion say, "I'm a scorpion, bitch! That is why!"

My point is that some beehayvyoors are prediktable. More preediktable than a scorpion stinging. Laik asking about daddicats.

Tell her the truth. Duh. She cat. She can take it. Onlee thing cats not take is lies.

Dir Proody,

My mother in law is old, so I take her to store! But she eat little byte of cat chow here, little nibble cat chow there. I say, "Leddicat! That is steeling!" But she look laik cat hoo ate a canary. And she no care and tell me to put a sok in it. Whut I do nao?

-- Bad cats bad cats, whatcha gonna doo?

Dir Bad cat,

Mmmm. Canarees. Deelishuss.

Let kops catch her, tayk her to back room and taze her. That will show her old sorry theivin cat ass. Justiss is krewl sometymes. But if she die whyle they taze her, u go to court, get big settlement! Justiss, it is also kind!

Ice cream-crazed office drone needs help!

2009-10-23T10:25:00.001-07:00

Since I don't have the adult-content warning, I'm going to have to censor this letter. You wouldn't believe the power-trip I'm on about it, either! ;)

Dear Spacey,

Lately when I'm at work, and not daily, so I can't just pack something with my lunch, I get a strong urge to (have an ice cream cone). I mean REALLY strong. Like, if it weren't for having a smidgen of self-control I would have propositioned my smelly boss, strong. I have no attraction to him at all, but the urge is so strong and his is a somewhat available (ice cream cone), what with being unmarried, so that's why I put him forward as the "I would have propositioned him" person.

There is one guy at the office who doesn't technically work for my company who I wouldn't mind at all propositioning, except I'm pretty sure that there's no interest there on his part, and I wouldn't want the workplace to become awkward. And to be frank, I'm not a fan of dipping my pen in the company ink in the first place.
So the question, do you have any suggestions of items I could keep at my desk to assuage my oral cravings that would also be discreet enough to be UTILIZED at work? I am losing productivity to these urges, and that isn't good.
Any advice you can give would be appreciated!

Signed,

Loves a good (lick of an ice cream cone

Dear (ice cream) lover,

You raise an interesting philosophical question: Are the smelly people among us actually interested in other people, or do we just assume they might be because our regard for them is so low we can't imagine they'd turn us down. Do you notice your non-colleague's lack of interest because he smells like Unicorn sweat and huckleberries with an undertone of manful musk? Or do you not notice your boss's potential lack of interest because he spreads the Funyuns and Foot funk?

If I were you I would abandon any thought of pursuing the boss, both because it's not worth it to your career and your self-esteem and because, if he's really smelly, that pretty much means he deserves to have (ice cream cone eating) favors withheld until he learns to spend 20 minutes away from the Lord of the Rings fanboards (which is where he's leaving his ice cream, probably hoping for this Hobbit prequel or whatever) in the bathroom acquainting his smelly bits with a bar of soap.

Anyway, that's advice for him. Now for you: Get out of the office. Get some hobbies. Pronto. You need to meet a new pool of dudes whose ice cream would be new to you, and who could share their ice cream without it causing office drama. I believe this week or last was national volunteering week or something. Surely there are a few pamphlets about volunteering left around the office, or old newspapers with press releases about how you can Make A Difference. You may as well use your craving for "ice cream" for good.

Tip: Find out what volunteer organizations have a lot of high school seniors come to them to fill community service requirements. Put on your best leopard print blouse and use the word "cougar" a lot. Or be honorable and ingratiate yourself to the little old ladies who populate every volunteer-run non-profit. They have a burning desire to see people married and will do almost anything to make sure you get hooked up with someone, and then you will have an outlet for your needs on the regular.

Oh, and while you're at work, bring popsicles or gum or Barbies (chew on her delicious, delicious feet once and I dare you not to chew on them again).

Also, keep your own hygiene sparkling and pristine and you will reap the rewards!

Good luck!

Space Cadet

From My Orbit

2009-10-22T09:23:00.001-07:00

As per usual, see original letters <a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2233031/">here.</a>

LW#1: Can you count the red flags with me? "Several times, he's called me by her name." What is the context? In the sack? When he's annoyed with you? Context determines whether this is a red flag or just the fact that you're getting so close to him he confuses you with family at family-style moments (i.e. like how my parents called the dog by my name and my brother's name, or called us by the dog's name on occasions where one of us was being exasperating).

"At the last family dinner, he was playing footsies with her under the table." Okay, I'm going to count this as a red flag. By the time you are old enough to get married, you should cease with the clowning, especially "Deliverance"-style clowning, at the table.

"If I were to bring this up, he'd be upset" Now THIS is a red flag. Actually, this is basically the only red flag, when it comes down to it.

All the creepy footsie and inter-personal knowledge they have of each other are boundaries they have set and are comfortable with (and what exactly is wrong with being married to one's first and only significant other? While it wouldn't have worked for me, it does work for others). What is weird is that apparently he can't talk about this with you.

Why? I assume you're a little judgey when you try to broach the issue. You want to know if he's "normal." But his "sensitivity" is another red flag. Yes, this is uncomfortable ground, but you two are getting married, and a host of uncomfortable realities await you in marriage-land. You think this talk is uncomfortable? What about you living with your uncertainty for the rest of your marriage? What about him resenting your feelings toward his sister? If you really love and trust each other enough to spend the rest of your lives together, this is something you should be able to be honest about with each other.

But what I want to know is why the two of you are getting married if you, for your part, are wondering if there's something incestuous about his relationship and he, for his part, thinks you hate the sister he is so fond of. This seems like a very intimate and negative dynamic to be merging a family with.

If what you're really worried about is that he is closer to her, more able to freely talk with her. than you, then that may be its own problem.

Before you get married, make sure you're on the same page about who comes first to him. It should be you.

LW#2: I guess Prudie has no idea what an "open-style" house is, where all the walls are open to eyeballs. Sheesh.

I am guessing that there is a high enough level of detail to make you a little antsy about "just anyone" seeing this picture. So don't display it. Wait until you live somewhere else, or you don't care anymore. Or just until you can learn to lie about it.

If the picture is really hot, though, there will be a day where you'll be telling people, "That was me many years ago." Seriously. Take the Golden Girls route then.

I don't really understand what you're asking for. Do you want to be told not to be such a prude or that you should go ahead and lie about this painting? Do whatever you want, this is your life.

LW#3: Well, there are developmentally appropriate ways of dealing with this (that do not include lying to your kid) and I'd suggest you'd get in contact with the kinds of resources that will help you learn what they are so you can get out ahead of this situation you've created.

I would suggest talking with a therapist who is used to this sort of thing or heading to the library/book store pronto, too.

Another thing: You knew this day would come. You know there are other questions that will arise in the future. They all have answers that are painful, awful, sad and you have NO idea how, exactly, they will affect your girl. But here's the thing: You have the advantage of foresight. You can start making a plan about how you want to talk to your daughter about this. You can start practicing now, before she puts your back against the wall someday and you say some other untruth (or just plain stupid thing).

I can't help you with what you've already done (though Prudie's advice is sound enough), but I do know that kids not only like the truth, they NEED it, especially from people they trust. They also don't handle things the way you might think they would. The mind of a little kid is a really different place, and we adults tend to forget that. Always be truthful to her. Always, always be willing to answer any questions she has.

Good luck!

LW#4: If this is a new thing, it could be impending dementia. That is something to be paranoid about.

In the meantime, if you REALLY want to be scrupulous, get whatever she gets (candies, grapes) put them in separate bags and pay for it at the register and then say, "We won't be needing these, this is me paying for what my mother ate." That should embarrass both of you pretty bad.

Also, any security guard that will bust an 80-y-o woman would probably not actually arrest her, but give her a shakedown in the back room she'll remember for a while. I suspect she'd be given a pass, though.

You could also tell her that what she does embarrasses you and makes you think she needs to be put in a home.

No, seriously, I wouldn't worry about what your mother is doing. It's freaky, sure, but it's probably easier to freak out about what is probably a symptom instead of the core problem, which is probably neurological and not moral.

But I suppose the kindest advice is to tell you to a) take her to a doctor and b) if she's just becoming a little sneak thief in old age, tell her what my mother told me when I, at a very young age, contemplated eating a Brach's caramel: "How much money is your integrity worth? Five cents?" (Little did she know she was setting me up to do an integrity cost benefit comparison in the future because I was a bit literal-minded, but really, is your integrity worth the price of grapes and candy?)

2009-10-20T20:56:00.001-07:00

This is just a reminder, the alien gives it away for free. What? Advice, silly!

Send your queries to frommyorbit(at)gmail.com, and I will guarantee
you anonymity if not a) the response you were looking for, b) the
perfect solution or c) the ability to really straighten out your life.

I promise to neither be as opaque as Cary Tennis nor as old-fashioned
as Dear Abby. But it helps if you have a clear question to ask and
remember that carriage returns, proper use of capitals and spell check
are your friends.

Bonus: I'm more likely to answer you than Carolyn Hax on her Friday chat.

From My LOLcats

2009-10-19T20:44:00.001-07:00

Dir Proody,

A seekret luvver, I had one. A professor. Nowun knew our seekret luv, which occured in classrooms, broom closets, sleazy motel rooms and behynd dumpsters. All my frends kno is I had a "romantic attachment." They not kno it a deeldoh 4 pegging him all nyte long in backseat of his '82 Volvo while I spank heem wif the leather-elbowed sleeves of his corduroy jacket!

Whut I meen to sai by all this is: He wuz kinda mai only luvvah in college. So I can't rilly cop to the experience. In order to protect the guilty, I have been marketing maiself as pretty innosent. So to the surprise of my current boifren, whyle having a purely theorettical talk about wais we mite give each other pleasure, I mention the Christina Ricci. "Whut kind of slutticat r u? Myte u have had *gasp* a luvver in the past?" If I sai it troo, all will be destroyed -- his career, mai fyootcher, everything!

Whut I do nao?

-- Drama in the morning, drama in the evening, drama at suppertime

Dir Drama,

I think u haf to break up wif ur boifren so the next guy won't be so suspishuss of ur wyld and crazy sex lyfe. Are u not bored pretending to be innocent?

Also, wai u can't sai u had a luvver? U kontemplate spending lyfe wif a boifren, whut else u want to hide from heem?

Besides, u out of college, should haf had about three litters by nao if u r not spayed, rite?

Dir Proody,

My kitteh call mai mommicat in law "nana." Mai brother in law haz a kitteh, calls mommicat in law "grandma" and this other, unconnected to me mommicat in law "nana." He sai if mai kitteh call nana nana, hiz kitteh be comfyoozed.

My kwetchin is, do I kill heem for being a pinhed, or this other mommicat in law so there can be only wun nana?

-- Daddicat

Look, if both of them go bye-bye I don't think anywun will feel the pain. Myte be awkward to explain to wyfe, but if u mayk shur she on phone with bruther about this ishue u mai end up having a getaway driver.

Dir Proody,

My boifren iz in a good college. Hiz bruther is looking at good colleges. But his new stepcat is telling hiz daddicat, "Wai we pay so much of ur monee for elaborate edjookayshun when we could spend it on me and mai needs for rhinestone collars, fancy feast and squeaky tois?" Boifren wants me to say something.

Whut I do?

-- Not even reelayted

Dir Reelayted,

Don't tuch this mess with a ten-foot aardvark. Stay sivvil, but it up to ur boifren to talk to daddicat about his inkredibbly plezent new wyfe and hao she will dryve his kidz awai from him and probably drayne his pokkets. Or he could do battle wif her.

Dir Proody,

Long storee short: Wedding.

-- Fleeced

Dir Fleeced,

Get in line. Sine mai petition, "For the abolishment of wedding seramonies and the establishment of mandatory elopings. All partees forbiddun, too."

From My LOLcats

2009-10-19T20:18:00.001-07:00

BONUS LOLCAT ACTION, LOLCATS NOT SEEN FROM LAST WEEK DUE TO FRAYPOCOLYPSE INSANITY!!! EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT TO SPACE CADET !!! ALTHOUGH IT IS TOTALLY A FAIR TAKEOFF OF THIS DEAR PRUDIE COLUMN.

Spayss Kadett, U needs to nock off dis all-caps krap. - Proody.

Dir Proody,

Let me prefass dis letter wif a bald fakt: I be havin' a hyooge ding dong. It mai burden, it mai kwaiyet pride. Mai wifeycat, she laik mai ding dong, which is the size and shape of a prickly pear. So she be tellin' all her leddifrens all the tyme about the hyoogeness of mai amayzing ding dong. I ask, "I can haz privacy?" But she say all must kno of amayzing plezhure power I possess. Embarassment, I gots it. Hao I tell hir to stop with the overshare so she ackchually stop?

-- Catsanova, but married

Dir Catsanova,

Ur wyfe, she kno u go outsyde wifout pants, ryte? U r cat. Well, anywai, whut u do is when she start in on hao u have enormuss ding dong, u sai, "Yes. And I will be out on the fence in two more drinks, yowlin' for love. Hint hint." Impress ur wyfe with ur hyooge sense of hyoomer.

Dir Proody,

Mah kitteh won't wear hiz jacket. He fyte laik ninja to no wear it. Hao I win battle over little bebbeh kitteh?

-- Cowed

Dir Cowed,

Yes, the bebbeh kittehs, they are far moar wily than we gives them credit for. Here is a tip: It tayks 2. U or ur wyfe, pick up kitteh by scruff of neck. Kitteh will go limp. Then the other parent put on the jacket.

I think cats in clothes are pretty tackee, tho.

Dir Proody,

Mai daddicat alwais so good to me, buying me things. I ask, "I can haz cheeseburger?" He get me cheeseburger. Naice one, too, with BACON! I ask, "I can haz college education?" He get me naice one of those, too!

But nao he broke from buyin' all those cheeseburgers. Mommicat tell me and it a big seekret. I young but doing okai. I give him and mom money nao? Hao I do this wifout him knoing?

-- dutiful kitteh

Dir Dutiful,

U need to be tellin ur mommicat that there are some seekrets u no keep. This wun of those seekrets. He need help, need a headshrinking cat. Need a plan of ackshun. Need love and support. But not need monee till he get some inishul help.

Dir Proody,

I break up wif boifren the other day! We so wrong together. But I want to be frends wif his mommicat. She wai moar awesome than him. Is this kewl?

-- Laik hiz mom

Dir Laik,

It not wrong to fall under sway of a Cougar in a lezbionic wai. It all good. Might maik for weerd family sichuashuns, if she's into u.

I have email in the rocket

2009-10-15T17:31:00.001-07:00

It is frommyorbit@gmail.com.

I will read it all, whether kind or mean, advice-seeking or pedantic grammar advice-laden. Why? I am a fast reader, an observer of humankind, and also something of an attention-seeker.

From My Orbit Oct. 15

2009-10-15T17:25:00.001-07:00

Original letters can be found here.

LW#1: Okay, not that it's any of your boyfriend's business whether or not you've had "another partner," but if you said you had, but not who, would your boyfriend care and why? Did you market yourself as a virgin to him? Because other than that (and potential STDs), the romance you had is your own business.

If you think, after a year of dating, that telling your boyfriend you had a sexual relationship with a man who is now your current grad school adviser, that your bf would get him into trouble, then maybe this bf isn't all he is cracked up to be. I will also add that this prof is probably not all he is cracked up to be, either. He shouldn't have slept with you as a student, and he knows being your adviser is pretty sketchy to boot.

LW#2: I thought the grandma's nickname was of the grandmother's choosing. Make "My Nana! My Grandma!" pick a side. Maybe she'll be granny. Or Mee-maw, if you're southern.

In the meantime, your brother sounds like a moron. If you think he's upset over his kid being confused by nana v grandma, do some Piaget-style experiments where you have two different glasses with the same amount of liquid in them. The glass that is taller and thinner will always appear to have more to this kid, even if you pour liquid from the smaller glass into the taller glass. I did this trick with a 3-y-o cousin one time and my uncle about climbed the walls trying to make her see that there was the same amount of milk in each glass. But it was something she just could not see at all because that is how a kid's brain works. Good times. I think she's a National Merit Finalist or something this year, so you know they grow out of this stuff.

LW#3: The stepmother sounds gross, and if I were in your shoes I'd keep my mouth shut about her and have the bf do the same. Trust, there are probably already arguments in the house between her, the brother and the father about how much money is going to be spent on the brother's education and how on the hook daddy is for his other two kids. Instead, be someone who encourages the little brother to do whatever is right for him.

People like the stepmother, who may not have revealed her whole self to her husband, considering the suddenness of their nuptials, will eventually out themselves as selfish pain in the asses. Her bitching about money will surely not end here. The father will then have a choice: Does he want to become part of that selfish, me-first attitude and they can be a miserable, icky couple together? Or will it bother him enough to ditch her?

LW#4: Jesus. They made a buck off a bachelorette party? 60 of them per person? What kind of sociopaths are they?

I suppose if you want to call them and say, "Hey, people are talking, and I suggest you either provide itemized reciepts or the cash everyone feels they deserve back," you can. After all, you live out of town, you don't really know them or have to deal with them. Just saying, "people are talking" has a kind of electrifying effect on the conscience.

Even if you can't get your $60 back, these women will have to deal with being known in their own circle as greedy little orcs for the rest of time (and when word gets back to the bride, as it will, they will be the ones who put the tarnish on her wedding). And that seems to be a special kind of punishment not worth the takings, doesn't it?

Also, this seems like it could be a really good episode of Judge Judy. Think about it.

Hello Earthlings

2009-10-13T21:13:00.001-07:00

So I've managed to flag my own blog as having objectionable content. That surely must be the result of my spacecomputer's strained compatibility with this playground you call the interwebz.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a xenopologist from a distant star system, sent by my home world's scientific community to do a lengthy observational study of your ways. The idea at the time was to better understand what your species had to offer ours, what resources you could bring to bear on my home planet's thirst for knowledge and wisdom.

After years of unceasing surveying, studying, interaction (in disguise of course) and listening, I have come to the conclusion that humans *need* more help than they can offer. And while I am but one representative of a planet that strives for compassion, peace and truth, I believe I can offer you some guidance, should you be in need and not afraid to ask.

Fear not, I am not from a race like the Vulcans, or a robot. My people have emotions, and we very much take them into account in our wisdom-sharing. Logic is not always our highest value; the absurd is certainly appreciated!

In the meantime, I will probably be answering letters sent to other, less-green-skinned advice offerers.

Oh, yes, there is something your people have to offer the universe. I can't believe I nearly forgot: LOLcats. I like them so much I occasionally cast human situations in their voices.

If you like what I have to say (or not) please let me know in the comments! I do this because of YOU. And my absurd love of getting comments. Really, it gets kind of lonely up in the rocket.

From My WHAT?

2009-10-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm doing this. The Fraypocolypse purge forced me. Well, not really since I don't cuss so much. It's a choice.